Metroid Dread: The rant

 While I haven't beaten the game... @#$%^ Raven Beak, I've played enough to make a true blue review:

I've already talked about how the fifth Metroid game isn't really the fifth game because of the semi convoluted timeline that Nintendo has for Metroid. At least it's not the convoluted mess that is the Legend of Zelda timeline... sorry timelineS.

Trigger warning: Samus is a woman whose job requires her to be in top athletic shape.

Since this is a video game review I'll have to use the video game version of my ratings chart which goes to 10 instead of 5. I honestly don't think that the ending will make me change my rating because I kind of have an idea where this is going and Nintendo it's not known to give us an M. Night Shyamalan plot twist in their games. So, let's get cracking:

Graphics

Here the big N did a great job... sure, the Switch is underpowered compared to an Xbox One or a PlayStation 5, but Samus and company look like Late PS3/XB360 era game... on a PORTABLE console.

9.5

Sounds

What can I say here? I'm no music expert. The game music is masterfully blended to the environment to give an eerie vibe... especially the EMMI robots patrol theme. The game has voice acting, but so far only Adam is speaking English... Samus speaks in Chozo language, mostly because she's speaking to Chozo and it would be weird to have her speak English to the Chozo.

9.0

Controls

@#$%^ YOU Nintendo with a @#$%^ing rusty fork sideways! This game is meant to be played in docked mode with a switch pro controller.  Also, there's no way to configure the controls, so be ready to hold 3 buttons to pull off some attacks. There isn't even an option to have the missiles or grapple beam to be toggled on or off.  A bad Switch Cramp can bring a lot of frustration when you die because of the awkward controls. The sad part is that they are super responsive but the awkward bottom placement add the tiny switch Joy cons make it's a lot harder than it should.

6.5

Gameplay

I suppose you might have played other Metroid games, if so, no surprise here. Travel through the area and get a power up. Backtrack and unlock other areas previously inaccessible to you. Once you're fully armed, beat the end biss and escape. The only difference is that now there are some unkillable bosses that will Insta-Kill you if they catch you... the EMMI robots I mentioned before.

9.0

Story

A bit of time after Metroid Fusion, Samus discovers that the X Parasite have been sighted on a remote planet. Being the only being that can actually destroy the X Parasites, Samus heads to the planet and gets her ass kicked by a Chozo Warrior. Now depowered, Samus must head back to the Surface and escape... Of course, she still has to eradicate the X Parasites on this planet and figure out what the Hell is going on with the Chozo who kicked her ass.

It's nice that they are branching out a little bit with the Metroid storyline but at the end of the day it still is the same formula. There's nothing wrong with that.

8.5

Fun Factor

Here is where I am torn apart. On what had the Metroid exploration and boss battles are incredibly fun... but the control scheme dance to suck out most of the fun because you end up having a bunch of stupid deaths because awkward button placement.

7.0

Overall 

Let's see, Metroid Dread gets a 8.25 as its final score. Personally I blame the bad controls and their ability to suck out of the fun from the game. I know some people will say "git gud" as a justification to criticize my rating... or that I need to play docked or get 3rd party Handheld grips.