Especially for reclusive folks, loners, and others who avoid social situations. I'm not a hermit, since I have to deal with people at work... I rarely interact with my neighbors, my unorthodox schedule being a perfect excuse to reduce the time of the interactions... They're really nice people, but it's just that People drain me... guess the whole introvert stereotypes are true... I'm not 100% introverted, because when I feel comfortable enough, I can let loose and unfortunately, a bit overwhelming and obnoxious with my bombastic demeanor... but even then, I need moments of isolation to "recharge". Whether it's sitting on the toilet, or finding a corner to vibe, sulk, or whatever it is I do when I'm on my own depending on my mood. The thing is, that as much as I crave social interaction, I also despise it.
I try to get out there and socialize more, but at the same time, I hate it, because it means dealing with people... at one time I even admired Hikkikomori mostly during the time that my Mom's health was at her worst, since that meant working odd jobs online and from home and social interactions kept to a minimum. I took a sabbatical after college and essentially became a NEET for a while. That's when I realized that I was suffering from depression and learned how to become somewhat functional to hide my weakness... well that was long before Mom's sickness surfaced and sent my life deeper into depression.
I've decided to never have children, due to my understanding of it being a huge responsibility, one which I DO NOT WANT. I could be a decent parent, but I'd rather not put that to the test. So, where am I going with this. I've lost my Godmother to health complications and she also had Alzheimer's disease. Meaning both my Mom's and my Dad's side are prone to it...
To say that I'm scared is an understatement... while I'm Functional despite my depression worsened by the loss of my Mother, knowing that I'm in a position with higher risk of suffering from Alzheimer's disease is downright terrifying. Some would say that this is a sign to shake off my fears and become more social out of desperation. Thing is that my Depression and my code of honor say that I cannot become a burden on others. I could counter with "family" memes or with the Magic of Friendship... no.
What this means is that, BECAUSE I prefer a more solitary lifestyle, I MUST take care of some affairs sooner than later, like choosing Cremation or Burial... I'm going to choose Cremation and have my ashes spread at the same place as Mom... I was her little sidekick in life, so I shall be in death. I don't want a funeral service... so bag me, shake me, bake me, and scatter my ashes following Mom. Scatter my ashes into the heartless sea... only then I will see a face that I long to see...
I'm supposed to have this done formally or something, but I'm not freaking Batman who has planned what Gotham will do when he's gone. This is just an informal way that "shouldn't be misplaced" in case of my (un)timely demise.
Why am I posting this on my blog? Again, my blog. Things I like, things I hate, things that catch my attention are fair game for my rants... right now my own Mortality has caught my attention. Knowing that I'm getting older and I'm long past the point of no return has put things in a different perspective. I'm no longer protected by the "invincibility of youth". I'm within the age of mid-life crises. It's at this moment in time where part of my brain says carpe diem and the other part is basically terrified of the entire universe since everything will try to kill me...
I know this is, like, a major downer to post so close to Christmas comma but Christmas is often a time that people with depression have their negative feelings exacerbated.
I'm just trying to be responsible to an extent and to have multiple avenues for delivering my last wishes... for at least the whole funeral rites...
I want no wake. I don't want people crying next to my corpse for days. A simple church service shall suffice. Then a small family gathering to scatter my ashes in the same place as Mom... just take a radio and please play the following as they prepare to scattwr my ashes.
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