Mar 18, 2024

Gongaga: where the OG's story goes to die again... a FFVII (Re)Birth by Sleep rant

I met a Swan from Turkey. Then everything went to shit. Nomura went full Kingdumb Farts here. Side mussions have boosted ny relationship level with Red XIII way too much. Yuffie is catching up way too hard... I need my date with la Senatrice Lockhart... Hell even kebab girl would be acceptable. I don't want no talking dog best friend... that's Barret's thing!

So, I met  Cissnei and she confused Blond Zack with real Zack. I was an asshole to kebab Girl after she spoke to Zack's parents. The game didn't let me tell then that I abandoned Zack's corpse after he made a Swiss Cheese impression in a meeting with ShinRa. So many problens would be solved if I could just tell them that. But for sadder news:
There is no Tankceratops... First they killed Mukki, then they fucked up Palmer, now TANKCERATOPS is non-existent. BUUUUUT we got our first glimpse at WEAPON... I laughed...

My brain when it saw Weapon... I know it's first appearance was at Corel, but it doesn't stop being funny...

But the fun went to shit because accompanying Begula Weapon were... THE WHISPERS with all their Kingdom Hearts Bullshit possible. Now I kust locate an airstrip in Gongaga to reach Cosmo Canyon... Palmer is MOST DEFINITELY NOT getting isekai'd by Truck-kun. All that's theoretically left is Cosmo Canyon, Nibelheim, Temple of the Ancients and making Kebabs... it's been a weird ride and I guess that around 2028-29 I might be playing the equivalent of Discs 2 and 3 on PS6.

Mar 17, 2024

Gold Saucer Blues: a Final Fantasy VII (Re)Birth by sleep rant

 We are going to the gold saucer! We are going we are going to the gold saucer! -Yuffie FF7 MACHINABRIDGED

Gold Saucer is ridiculous! We have a grandpa with more Muscles than a pillar man
Notice how Cait Sith has the powerto change people's clothes... and he wastes it on the underage character... pedoReeve confirmed.

Also, notice how Yuffie isn't hypersexualized, but Dio is more eyecandy than Italian Senator Tifa. Yuffie even faints as she sees Dio's Liefeldian package. 
He really needs to get that inguinal hernia checked...

I love Gold Saucer the park... I hate this chapter. They fucked up Dyne. There is no mystery as the game already spoils that the Gold saucer murderer is Dyne. In North Corel, they spoiled Barret's guilt via flashback... something that happened way later at Corel Prison. 

Then they made the Chocobo manager Ester (now Esther) who in OG FF7 looked like a 30-something trying to look younger into a 14-ish year old girl that sounds like Aerith and ALSO has a thing for Cloud. I actually didn't hate Chocobo Racing here, but still I'm derpived of weirdo beyond spinster crazy chocobo lady to a  weird crazy chocobo teenage girl who wants to jump on Cloud's Buster Sword... Also, I don't think I commented this, but they gave Chole a bit of an aging spell and a glow up. In the OG she looked like Marlene's age, now she looks like she may have gotten a pair of periods under her belt and is waiting for her parents to take her to church. Hell, even Choco Billy got an age up.

So, the whole Barret/Dyne thing was radically changed and the game gave Dyne a dramatic hero death... then we fight Palmer. Rebirth did Palmer Dirty...

Instead he fights in a toad Mecha that we fight normally and in a mini game... Also, Roided out grandpa fights Andrew Tate

Now unto Gongaga where I hope Cloud can fuck up and rub salt on Zack's parents'wounds... also TANKCERATOPS!!

You better be on the game... or else I will Rant!!