As always the question is: CAN WE MAKE BEAR DRINK HIS OWN PEE?
So the interactive movie starts with Bear upside down tangled in his parachute hanging from a tree... and he has amnesia. It's up to me to keep Bear Grylls alive. A feat that I failed miserably last time AND when I played the actual PS3 videogame. Oh Bear prepare to die multiple times, because either I suck at this, or I enjoy killing virtual Bear Grylls... Let me grab some Medalla Light beers, because it's the closest thing I have to actual pee and let's get cracking... I won't do a play by play here for obvious reasons.
This Amnesiac Bear Grylls is bullshit. He needs me to choose for him, but somehow he remembers how to not only make a firebow, but how to use it. Using a parachute to make a makeshift tent, but somehow he can't remember that
This selective amnesia is pissing me off. But the one thing that's pissing me off even more is the lack of choices. In one option Bear finds a rotting carcass. Bear talks about skinning the animal or taking food, while being careful about whatever killed the animal. He does both without my input. One choice had Bear being chased by a wolf. I had to choose between the forest or the Hogh Ground.
I was hoping that the High Ground would've meant game over, but it actually worked! Even if you pick forest, Bear ends up at the High Ground... QUIT ROBBING ME OF BEAR DEATHS, DAMN IT!!
I got Bear to step on a tripwire and he didn't die... He came out the tunnels wearing pubes on his chin as if he had been trapped in there for "weeks" no water and a roach as his only meal.
Bear Death Tally
///
Death 1: Froze to death because no shelter.
Death 2: Mauled by a Furry whose Fursona is a Bear.
Death 3: Fission Mailed, Pilot died.
I rescued the pilot, who happens to be a black guy that looks like he does whiteface... it's supposed to look like he's dirty from dust and that he has a few cuts that made his lips bloody, but it kinda looks like a bad geisha make up.
What's this!? There's an extra movie!? I have to save some animals... Maybe this time, I'll drink my own pee! I'll be doing something close to a play by play because this movie is 7 months old.
This one starts with a promise of Bear Grylls getting mauled by a Lion... which we know it's false advertising. Apparently, the animals from a reserve escape and only Bear Grylls is Bad Dude enough to save them and then have burgers with President Biden... before some people get butthurt by mentioning President Biden, it's a 2021 spin on Bad Dudes, who had burgers with President Ronnie after saving the world from the evil ninjas. Apparently, this Bear Grylls CYOA movie slipped through the cracks and I either didn't know about it or heard about it and forgot.
3 missions:
Rescue the Lion
Repair power grid
Rescue the Baboon
I pick the mission order and Baboon comes first... Just ask Topanga... yes, I made a Boy Meets World reference
First choice: eat fruit or eat a grub...
Since Star Wars didn't fail me last time, I'm going with Hakuna Matata...
This led to my death 2 choices later... waiting for rescue in Great WHITE Shark infested waters.
OK one retcon later and some different choices made me have bear make a raft out of garbage to traverse the GWS infested waters... I survived!? You can also make a grappling knot called a Monkey Fist and climb the cliff...
Caught the Baboon and now either the lion or the fence. Apparently the fence was sabotaged...
OK... animal preserve, electric fence sabotaged, incoming storm... where have I seen this before? I swear I may have read this in a book... Hell, I might even own toys from this... I just can't quite put my finger on it...
Yes, Jurassic Park... Bear Grylls is ripping off Jurassic Park and not putting the cool parts in.
Let's move on to Mission 2: The Lion Sleeps Tonight!
Right out of the bat I must rescue a researcher from the Lion...
Choices:
-Confront the lion to scare him away.
-Sneak through the back and rescue the researcher...
What to do?
Bear saved the dude and found a carcass...
Oh come on! I used myself as lion bait and didn't get killed!? Well Mission 2 complete. Time for Mission 3: Hold onto your butts!
Bear got attacked by a Leech!! Hopefully we can eat it for revenge reasons...
We can! Either I swallow or I chew it... like in a porn movie, I told Bear to Swallow... the Leech stuck to his throat, but Bear managed to pull it out. Now he's battling a Constrictor... Finally! A dignified place for Bear to die!
One Rewind later! Bear attempts to drown the snake and it leaves him alone.We reach the tiny relay box and I give Bear the wrong sequence.
Fission Mailed... REWIND!! You are no good, you are no good! God, all the things that you do in front of me!!
Let's do it correctly this time. MISSION COMPLETE! Now we return home... Wait!! Elephants are missing, probably poachers...
Mission 4: Operation Dumbo Drop...
Bear found Elephant poop...
-Elephant... poop?
Yes, Snake, elephant poop... we rememver the last time he found Elephant poop...
-Colonel, what the hell!? He drank elephant poop juice!?
Yes, Snake, he did...
-Not even Big Boss was this disgusting, and I read about all the shit he ate on Operation Snake Eater!
Shall we move on? Holy SHIT!! IT'S ANOTHER LION!
-A Lion!? You Lyin'!!
Choices: under the truck or climb a tree...
Obi-Wan says that it's over once one has the High Ground...
-Didn't Darth Maul have the High Ground?
The High Ground is a Lie!!
You have to go under the truck, weave in and out of it until you can stuff the lion in the truck!
Now we have a zipline or climb down then up a cliff... I want this nightmare to end, so Zipline would be the best choice... but sometimes the obvious answer is the wrong one... that zipline can be super old and break halfway through and we end up with a dead Bear... he can climb, we've seen it hundreds of times!! Climb down then up it is!!
Fission Mailed! I should've ziplined, the elephants are dead and it's Bear's fault!!
We use the Zipline and hide the elephants from the poachers... Muy Bien! Very Good! Esto pide una celebración! This calls for a celebration!
Bear Death Tally
Death 1: Shark food
Death 2: choked by a nope rope!
Death 3 Mission Failed, ruined electric fence.
Death 4: it's the circle of life. The High Ground is a. lie
Death 5: Fission Mailed, all I had to do was get on the damned Zipline...
Everyone knows that man versus Wild was fake as fuck... but these movies make the show the most realistic thing in the universe.
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