Snake Eyes sucked a lot more than expected.

 I watched the movie a couple of days back. This rant began low tech with me scribbling notes on a CVS receipt... so I'm translating the notes. My train of thought is hard to follow, even worse when I forget the keys on how to decode it... (My college notes are a nightmare)

The film sucks ass. It's bland, generic, and it takes a massive dump on GI Joe that it makes The Rise of Cobra look good.

Yes, Rise of Cobra is a MUCH BETTER movie than this.

 Horribly miscast, piss poor story and it makes no sense for GI Joe... not to mention it's cringy as hell. They even have a cringy Girl Power pose with Baroness and Scarlett, who are barely in the movie, and Storm Shadow's grandmother. This is quickly followed by a Boys Rule pose with Storm Shadow, Hard Master, and Blind Master. Or the scene where Snake Eyes is testing his loyalty against 3 CGI Giant Anacondas. How about flying Ninja Granny?

Bad choreography that attempts to make Golding look good. Another issue is a that there is too much face and talking from Snake Eyes. But the story, man, that's the worst part of it. Joes and Cobras have been at this game for over 20 years. So this means that Cobra Commander must be 40+... The only Cobra member we meet is Baroness played by 32 year old Úrsula Corberó. Putting her as a recent addition to Cobra. On the Joe side of the equation we have the mysterious 40+ Joseph Colton and 29 year old Samara Weaving playing Scarlett. Which, again puts her as a newer recruit by her age alone. How can this be a fresh start to GI Joe since we've missed 20 years of action?

Speaking of Snake Eyes: He's the bad guy in this movie. Storm Shadow is the victim here. The honorable foreigner, now Asian, because a white man ninja is cultural appropriation and only Asians can be ninjas, apparently... is a dishonorable conman who tricks Tomisaburo Arashikage, an ally of GI Joe, into inviting him to his family's estate. There Snake Eyes is supposed to steal a Magical McGuffin and deliver it to a traitor to the Arashikage, an ally of Cobra. Snake Eyes's treachery cause Storm Shadow to lose his position as heir of the Arashikage and he vows revenge on Snake Eyes... So, this leads into Storm Shadow Joining Cobra? How? This doesn't make sense!!

If you have to watch this Abomination at the movie theater, I feel sorry for you. Don't even bother downloading an illegal copy of it, it's not worth it. Hell, if they played at the electronic section of your favorite Big Box store, don't even bother watching it there. If a person says that this is a good movie, resist the temptation to punch them in the dick. They are lying and they want you to suffer the same thing that they suffered by watching this abomination.