I've been watching too many shitty Christmas movies and it's not even December... now I found the possible crowning achievement in Christmas Bullshittery... a Sequel to Jingle All the Way, No Arnold, No Sinbad, but Larry the Cable Guy and Santino Marella... als Brian Stepanek is in this... oh boy, do I smell a Stinker? This smells like a Live Action adaptation of Cowboy Bebop. I suppose WWE had their fingers all over this since it has Santino Marella in it.
So let's as Tow Mater would say, Git' Er Done!! The original Jingle all the way isn't a good movie oh, but it's one of my cinematic guilty pleasures... PUT THAT COOKIE DOWN!! NOW!! And I know the sequel is crap because, straight to video, Larry the Cable Guy, WWE, and a much smaller budget than the original, but since I'm doing bad Christmas movies...
So, Mater has a kid and I'm not going to make fun of the kid's bad acting, but it was a lot better than Anakin Skywalker's... not Jake Lloyd, but Hayden Christensen's... I hate sand it's coarse and gets everywhere... oh, Brian Stepanek is the bad guy... then what the fuck does Santino Marella do? I know what you're thinking how do I know that Stepanek is the villain? Well, he's rich and his name is Victor... How many rich people named Victor do you know that are good? The only Rich Victor I know wears a green skirt and a suit of armor... it appears that Stepanek
(I originally was going to go with the Maintenance guy from the Tipton Hotel, but since no one remembers The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, no one would remember Arwin, the Maintenance guy) is a bit jealous of Mater's relationship with the kid, so he's trying to use his affluence to overshadow her dad and win her favor.
Ah Santino is Mater's sidekick... Seriously WWE? YOU GIVE ONE OF YOUR SUPERSTARS A MOVIE AND HE'S NOT EVEN THE PROTAGONIST... The movie takes a swipe at KMART... due to past interactions with the Sears Holdings Corporation, I must say that the comment was not cool. Also cliché Christmas lights short circuit. I know I know that I shouldn't be too hard because "it's a kids movie" but it bugs me. Why must these overplayed gags be used to the point that even kids find them boring? OK the hauling snow in a non refrigerated truck and ending up with a truck full of water gag was ALMOST funny... OMG I'm sooo jaded... oh, so now here's where the movie begins to Jingle All the way:
Dere Santa for Kris Mas I wa nt my fam ily to get hera sone Luv, Noel
This begins the Jingle all the way part of the movie... what the heck is a Herasone!? Now Stepanek uses one of his employees to stalk Mater... Oh, apparently, Herasone is Harrison, which is a talking bear, because little girl... at least we won't see Mater dress up like Tuhbo Man or something like that...
Oh, Stepanek sent his subordinate to scalp the bear... I was hating the movie before this scene now I absolutely loathe it. Wait... the kid keeps playong what CinemaSins refers to as The Pronoun Game... I'm starting to feel that the Bear isn't what she wants.
And Mater stole from a charity drive after botching a mechanical bull contest... this movie went dark for a moment there... he even dressed up as a fat Billy Ray Cyrus to steal it... there goes my Halloween 2022 costume idea. He even meets with a scalper who happens to be a toy store employee... worst kind of scalpers... hating the movie even more... so he meets the scalper in an abandoned junkyard at midnight like some sort of drug deal.
It feels like this movie has gone for hours and it's only been 67 minutes, so Mater discovered that Stepanek was behind everything. Stepanek's employee breaks down and exposes his boss's plot. Meanwhile Stepanek ans Mater are locked in a warehouse and are fighting with the teddy bears... they end up escaping the warehouse Shenmue style... send a full of Zack Morris type of scheme and claimed that the Bears were about to be given as a present at the tree lighting ceremony. That fixes Stepanek's reputation and then they celebrate Christmas together but the kid is disappointed with the present because she didn't want the Bear. She wanted her family together as one... ugh! Finally it's ovah... veredict: it stinks, but it was somewhat entertaining. More like a car crash than a trainwreck. My main issie is that the original had such a big climax with the Christmas parade and the jetpack, but this one's climax was small and "personal" between Mater and Stepanek. The movie overall felt very disconnected. The archnemeses rarely interacted with each other, unlike the first one.
Underwhelming, that's the perfect word to describe Jingle All the Way 2.
I'm sticking with the Schwarzenegger one...
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