Do you hate Mariah Carey?

 Only near Christmas... yes, it's because of the song. Well, Netflix in their desire to tell me to fuck off for not loving or hating Kevin Smith's take on MOTU, for hating Noelle Stevenson's bastardization of She-Ra. And pre-hating the bastardization of Cowboy Bebop... we can blame that it looks like crap, John Cho and Daniela Pineda being horribly miscast, and did I mention that it looks like a low budget pretentious student film? Well, Netflix decided to give me an early Christmas present with Mariah Carey's All I want for Christmas is You: the animated movie, where Mariah Carey doesn't voice Mariah Carey, because she's not an actor... yet she keeps getting roles for no reason 

I am watching this out of my own free will, mostly because I need something to rant about and a movie based on a obnoxious Christmas Song made sense... Sorry, Johnny (my Bestest Friend from High School,  a HUUUUGE Mariah Fan) but I must make fun of your idol... she started the war against Christmas with her auditory torture. I'm surprised that the friends of The Culinary Institute of America didn't use this song to torture terrorists.

Let's start with the movie, shall we?

Young Mariah wants a dog, but her parents are against it. She ends up making a deal with her dad to dogsit a dog who is a little Taz wannabe. If she succeeds at taking good care of this demonspawn pup, she can get the bichon/poodle hybrid she wants. I'm willing to bet that she'll have a lot of issues and will bite more than she can chew and in the end will choose the Damien Dog over the Poo-chon...

But I got to keep watching. 

While we don't have to hear Mariah acting, she's still the narrator and provides the soundtrack...  Why am I even doing this!? I know I hate myself, but damn! This punishment is too cruel even for me!!

While it isn't a good movie even by the "it's for children" standards, but it doesn't seem more harmful than your average kid's show on Disney Channel or nickelodeon. The only loathsome thing about it is Mariah Carey.

1hr 13m is when hell begins... and right after the title being referenced, the waterworks began... Mariah was going to search for her missing demonspawn when all her friends, teachers, etc. joined her to search for the dog.

I dunno why but I started crying there. Then the song restarted and the tears began burning with rage... it's an innocuous flick for kids, but a torture device for Adults... I kinda want to kick the producers in the dick...

Wait, please tell me this isn't the same Mike Young from Mike Young Productions... one Google search later... The dick kicking shall not happen, because of 200X... but any other cinematic or television abomination will not be forgiven... wait, Splash Entertainment formerly Mike Young Productions is responsible for Norm of the North!? I guess I need a Poing Super Combat fist to punch people in the dick! Fuck Norm of the North! Fuck this movie, and Fuck Mike Young!!