Metal Gear Movie gets a Screenwriter!?

And a Director!?
*Breep Breep!* *Breep! Breep!*

Hello Snake! Weren't you supposed to be dead?

-Dead? No! All that FOXDIE Mutation killing me in a year is BS. Didn't you hear Raiden in Revengeance say I'm alive?

You're using a game with questionable canon as an excuse to say you're alive. Also Konami kicked out Hideo...

-They kicked out Hideo? Those Bastards...

By the way, they're making a fim adaptation of one of your exploits, (Most likely Shadow Moses) but we talked about that already.

-Tell me they cast Bella Thorne as Meryl... I miss Shake it up!

Uh, Snake... I know you like them young but STOP THAT CRAP! NOW!! *ahem!* As I was saying, The Metal Gear Movie has a Director... Some dude named Jordan Vogt Roberts... who has directed the following movies:
The Kings of Summer...
That's it! He's directed a few Funny or Die episodes and a few TV Movies.

-DAMN! At least they'll get a good screenwriter who is better known for his work on the Metal Gear Series as the sexiest voice in the Universe... Also &^%$ you Queefer Sutherland!

No, Snake, they didn't think of having David Hayter, a man who REALLY KNOWS his Metal Gear, and happens to be a Screenwriter. Not to mention that the movies he's done the script for have been better received than the movies written by Jay Basu, the guy they actually picked.

-I kinda wish we had gotten Michael Bay...

Wanna know the scary part? I'm almost wishing for him too!

-Wait! Today is April 1st! You're pulling my leg here! You don't pull the leg of a man who can beat Nuclear Capable Bipedal Tanks on a Weekend.

Yes, Snake. Today IS April 1st, but if you click on the link to the article. You'll see that it's a MARCH 31st article... We are screwed!

-I got to go! It's Mission time! I must assassinate a few Konami execs, Queefer Sutherland, Jordan Vog- whatever his name is and Jay Basu...

Snake... Don't that's what Liquid would do.

-No. Liquid would swing his right arm while doing over the top, hammy, gestures while chewing up ALL THE SCENERY on a long-winded speech instead of breaking their necks! But yeah, I get it. Don't be the bad guy.

I guess you'll call me when I get to do another MGS Movie rant...   

Life after the Neitlichverse: An Interview with Kyle Reccula

Welcome everyone to a hopefully new series of articles here at the House of Rants where we'll look upon characters heavily unused in the Neitlichverse take of Masters of the Universe. We'll sit down and hear their point of view on things. With that said, I'm your host, Nefty and my guest today, or tonight depending at the time you read this is Kyle Reccula, better known to She-Ravers as Bow: Special Friend who helps She-Ra.

"It's a pleasure to be here!"

So, tell us, what have you been up to?

"Well, The Horde was defeated and Adora went to Outer Space. That gave me a LOT of Free time so I pursued some noble activities as writing. I am a Best Selling Author and here's a copy of my book, Mastering the Friendzone: A Self-Help Guide"

I've actually read that book! I need to ask you, What's the B. Stand for, Bow?

"It actually stands for Beau... B-E-A-U, as in my middle name. It's a funny story, People think that I call myself BOW. For years I've been using my real name in battle. People make that connection BECAUSE of my Horse, Arrow."

Huh... Who would have thought of that. So, can you tell our audience about your book?

"Well, it's no secret that I've been called The King of the Friendzone by both Etherians AND Eternians. I've agreed with them, but based on MY Experiences of BOTH the PUA and the incel lifestyles are the basis of my book. Just because I spent years in the friendzone does not mean that I've never scored."

Hmmm! So, you're saying that the only true way to Leave the Friend  Zone is to Embrace the Friend Zone?

"Precisely! Understanding the Friendzone is the only way to escape it! Many people don't understand the Friendzone. It is not some Interdimensional Void where people get cast when feelings are not reciprocated."

Hmm... That makes sense. But can you elaborate a bit more?

"Sure! Without going deep into the book's content, because, I still need people to buy it. Got to pay a couple of debts I've gained during the research period... The problems with the friendzone come from the perceptions that people have from it and the people that fall in it. First: Not all men who end up in the friendzone are trying to get in your pants. I admit that I did try using the friend approach to try and get into some women's pants. Now that I have matured as an individual, I do NOT base my relationships on a 'would bang' scale. But sex is not the only thing that is needed for a fulfilling relationship.

There are actually guys out there that fall in love with their friends but the idea of having sex with their friend doesn't cross their minds. So, basically you have Nice Guys and (expletive redacted) Pretending to be Nice Guys. With that said, we can't be thinking that our Nice friend is trying to get into our pants by being nice. Sometimes the Friendzoner could be evil."

Whoa whoa whoa! Hold it right there, Bow! I need to point out to our audience that no misogynistic rants will be allowed in here.

"This applies to everyone. I only used the term Nice Guys because of the stereotype that only men get friendzoned. Women get zoned too! Also. gender neutral terms are not my forte.

As I was saying. The Friendzoner may simply care about this other person as a friend. Let's use a concrete example: Adora. I'm her MBFFWINGBIOOTG! That is Male Best Friend Forever Who Is Not Gay But Is One OF The Girls! Before I embraced the Friendzone, this frustrated me a lot. Now, I host Tea Parties for Adora AND Friends! We even have sleepovers, where they talk about boys and I give them the guy PoV on the situation. She's happy, I'm happy. If she's in danger I'm there Faster than Mr. Ascot, even if that (expletive redacted) gets all the credit. She didn't string me along. She was clear from the beginning that our relationship would not move beyond friendship. It DID. I'm her Special friend, BECAUSE I'm like a Male Female Best Friend. I CHOSE TO BE THERE FOR HER AS A FRIEND. Eventually, I learned to move on, but she is still MY SPECIAL FRIEND.

But I went on a tangent there. There's the good friendzoner who clearly puts the cards on the table and doesn't try to use you. The EVIL Friendzoner is the one that KNOWS how the other person feels and uses that to their advantage. Like say... Rarity!

Oh look! I can do the Pic summoning on cue too!
*ahem!* Rarity abuses of Spike's feelings towards her as she uses him as her own personal slave. Do I need to point out how she made him give up that delicious (to him) Fire Ruby in exchange for a measly kiss on the cheek? Well some people are like that in real life.

Learning to Identify your place and the other person's role is how you truly can get out of the zone."

You mentioned something about the PUA Lifestyle... Could you elaborate on that?

"Sure, I can! When I decided to NOT BE A DOORMAT, I immersed myself in the PUA literature. At first, my pickup Artistry was failing due to a poor choice of a wingman. Sorry, ol bud, but that's the truth."

Ouch! Throwing the Ol' Know-it-Owl under the proverbial bus! Also, don't trust Trollan wingmen either. Now, I must ask. If the PUA lifestyle was helping you get laid, why did you stop?

"Because, I need something more fulfilling than sex. I said it before, but I'll say it again if needed.
Sure it was easy to go to Frosta and 'Neg' the hell out of her. with things like saying: Your forearms are reversed, or make a comment on Double Trouble's thumb face. 30 minutes of me doing the PUA game ended with me drowning in (expletive redacted)!! I pretty much (expletive redacted) the Entire rebellion."

Ooh! This is the Juicy part... And don't do the a Gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, because the cat is out of the bag!

"What? You're going to bring up that I did porn? It's no secret that I starred in many Porn movies."

No, but since you brought it up, EVIDENCE!!

A behind the Scenes still from Calamari of Lust: (expletive deleted) the Pizza Bow.

It was the only SFW pic I could find. I wasn't going to go on your Porn History, because, I don't care if you did porn. It's your body and your career. What I was going to ask was...

Oh wait! The Producers say that I cannot ask how would you rate the Rebels or Hordeswomen you slept with, because it would be "inappropriate".  So, Author, Adult Entertainment Star, what else has the Great Kyle Reccula done ever since Scott Neitlich made you unimportant to the lore?

"Been busy playing videogames. I could totally kick your ass on Injustice: Gods among us!"

Let me guess... You'll pick Green Arrow.

"Just because I'm into archery, doesn't Mean I'm picking Queen... I pick Aquaman"

Before I wrap this up, do you have any regrets?

"I regret not going with Adora to Space. I regret being tossed aside as an unimportant player. I HELPED TO FREE ETHERIA. I WAS A HIGH RANKING OFFICIAL OF THE REBELLION! What did Neitlich do? Skip the whole Etherian Chapter of the Fall of the Horde. Instead we got to meet Netta... FREAKING NETTA! And that Kay-La chick... Who by the way will be a hottie once she turns 18..."

Well, there you have it folks! Bow is a "nice guy" who will try to get into your daughters' pants. Stay tuned for our next episode where we Interview Castle Grayskull Man!