Jan 1, 2010

In 2010 a new moon eclipses the EPIC breaking FAIL.

That's right kids, I'm starting the New Year with the rest of the infamous Twilight "saga"...
No holds barred, Three stages of HELL Championship match!!! (Might need to split this article, but I don't wanna overtwilightize my blog... CURSE YOU STEPHENIE MEYER!!!)
Let's begin with a quick recap of Twilight:
Klutzy Bella Swan, (a Mary Sue character.) meets and falls in love with the "mysterious" Edward Cullen (a "Vampire" More like a poisonous fairy.) He "struggles" between loving her or drinking her blood. They fight an evil "Vampire", by fighting I mean she faints, bleeds and Edward does everything else. They go to prom.
To prove that I'm not making this crap up...
S. Meyer:Some parts of Bella's experiences are modeled after real life (my life, to be exact) in order to ground the fantasy aspects of the story in solid reality.
In this particular case, I modeled Bella's move to Forks after my real life move from high school to college.
See, beauty is a lot more subjective than you might think. In Scottsdale, surrounded by barbies, I was about a five. In Provo, surrounded by normal people, I was more like an eight. I had dates every weekend with lots of really pretty and intelligent boys (some of whose names end up in my books). It was quite confusing at first, because I knew there was nothing different about me.

And people dare to say that Bella is not a Mary Sue...

Now for the sequel. New Moon...
Everything is going great in Bella's magical world where "vampires" Sparkle like a million diamonds with smooth granite like skin. Edward still has such beautiful golden eyes and his body is so luscious... but Bella's birthday is coming up. OH NOES!! Bella is getting older while Edward isn't! Bella feels depressed about her birthday, but the Cullens celebrate it and overreact to a paper cut... (since they are "vampires" and all that.) So Edward's plan:
Dump Bella... Seriously, he dumps her in the forest and has his family move away form Forks. Yikes!
So now Bella is depressed and feels like her life is empty. Her friendship with Jacob Black (a minor character in the first book) grows strong. Bella discovers that she can hear her beloved Edward (who dumped her in the forest) whenever her life is danger. (Bella has a Spider Sense that looks like Mr. Sparkly.)
So what does Bella do:
A- Avoid dangerous situations, since it means hearing Edward's voice.
B- Move on with life and become Jacob's girlfriend.
C- Jump off a cliff.

The correct answer is: C. Jump off a cliff. Yes Bella develops a suicidal instinct just to hear Edward's voice. She jumps and Alice, (The Cullen's personal premonition "vampire") sees this and thinks that Bella is sleeping with the fishes. Edward thinks Bella died and goes to commit suicide in Italy. Oh yeah! Jacob is a Werewolf... (or his Wolf gene kicked in and got a super grow spurt... *cough* X-men! but more on that later.)
Alice discovers that bella is alive and that Jacob is a Werewolf (Vamps and wolves don't mix) so Bella and Alice go to Italy to save Edward (who dumped Bella in the forest). Bella stops Edward from Sparkling in Italy... They are forced to meet Don Corleone... I mean The Volturi (They're like The Godfather of the Vampire World), because Eddiekins is on trial for the second or third greatest crime against Vampire code...
So, There we meet the thing that Edward fears the most... no it's not living in a world without Bella (as the Twihards want you to believe.) It's...

Dakota Fanninng in a Little Emo Riding Hood costume. (She can torture you with her mind.)
So, the Corle... Volturi are amused by Bella and her anti mindprobe powers... (The truth is that Bella has nothing inside her head... that's why Aro couldn't see a thing) Since Edward didn't actually Sparkle in public, he is forgiven, but he has to kill Bella or make her a poison fairy. Miss Premonition machine intervenes and shows a future in which Bella is a "Vampire" so everything is forgiven and they are let go. Oh yeah! Bella forgives Edward for dumping her and all of the crap that she went through... like it never happened.
Notice the Quidditch uniform worn by Edward Cullen in the pic...

Eclipse... not the car or the gum... the Twibook.
Let's get it on with Eclipse... not in that way...
Bella wuvs Edward and he wuvs her too. He wants her to go to college. She wants to skip college and become a vampire... He wants to marry her, she wants to have sexual intercourse with Edward, but there's Jacob and his feelings for Bella... and an army of recently converted vampires that want to kill Bella. Edward and Jacob get to "fight" for Bella and they get to FIGHT the "evil vampires" for Bella...
Edward and Bella decide to get married and Jacob runs away.

Not much to say about this book, other than IT HAD THE BIGGEST FIGHT IN ALL OF THE TWILIGHT SAGA AND MOST OF IT IS OFF PAGE! OH yeah! IT shows us the silliness that is "imprinting" by having Quil "imprint" a two year old... IT sounds more like S. Meyer is saying that the Quileute are a bunch of furry pedophiles. (Do the Quileute scalp? if So Stephenie Meyer would be on top of their list...)

Now the last book on my list... Breaking Dawn but Before I start on this a few quotes from a Q&A with Stepehie Meyer...

On Edward being abusive:

Stephenie: Yeah, yeah, OK. There's a lot of stuff online that has, honestly, broken my heart recently. It is difficult to read things that take such a negative spin on something that is very personal and also makes a lot of sense inside your head. I think it's, I have a hard time with that one because to me you have this kid, sure, he's a hundred and something, but at the same time he's also seventeen and it's the first time he's been in love.
But he has only the best of intentions pretty much at all times, and to think of him as either mean or controlling or having any kind of neg- wanting to impact Bella's life in a negative way is really not how his character is

So, Edward is NOT Abusive or controlling?
-He is always hovering over her wether she's awake or asleep.
-He's trying to break her privacy by reading the minds of those around her. (He desires to read hers as well.)
-He manipulates her constantly to get his way.
-He deprived her from contact with her friends (especially the Native American kind.)
-He loves her almost as much as he wanted to kill her (he's a "vampire")
But he LOVES Bella... Isn't there a saying about the path to Hell is paved with good intentions?

On Vampires and Sparkling :

Stephenie: Why would they explode into cinders in the sunlight? It just made sense to me that there would be a reason for staying out of the sun, maybe not something that drastic, and then I want to write about pretty things, you might have noticed that.
I didn't know the rules to not follow them, but I didn't feel any compunctions to keep up with the genre because I was just doing it for me.

She wants to write about pretty things like, Native American Pedophiles, Bella Swan's interests in necrophilia, the marvelous way in which Bella's parents let her do whatever she wants? (Especially the daughter of a small town police chief?) Oh wait she was writing this for herself... (Glorified fanfiction with a Mary Sue main character... duh!) She didn't know the vampire rules and she chose to write about them? I think I should dig more into this...

Stephenie: how I came up with my vampires, and because I didn't read all those old stories, I still have never read Bram Stoker's Dracula, I will someday when I get done writing this, I didn't have all the rules to work with, and then I don't really like horror novels, so I wrote more from my roots, which is like superheroes. Which is more my thing. So that's - I just kind of made it up as I went along. It's a lot more fun that sort of following other people's rules, so sure.

Ahhh. So she's a Superhero fan... (She probably likes Batman cause she made a reference to Bruce Wayne and his young ward Richard Grayson in Breaking Dawn. More on that later.) Instead of writing Books with "Vampires" why didn't she write books about Superheroes?
(Well her fighting scenes suck, no pun intended. She just kinda makes it up as she goes along. She's got the Hyper powerful Mary Sue character problem. She sould join Marvel's Spidey braintrust... She'll fit right in.) Or write about the years that Edward was playing "vampire" Superhero, by killing the wicked and saving the innocent.

Now I can't avoid it for much longer... The Conclusion to Bella's Story: EPIC FAIL!!
Sorry... Breaking Dawn

Bella and Edward get married. They go to Carlisle's private island and the break a headboard and some pillows by implied sex. Bella gets pregnant(How do Vampires get a boner? How can vampires impregnate women since they are DEAD?)

Stephenie: In the novel, I only mentioned a few of the many legends I read through. One that I didn't mention at this point was the entry on the Incubus. The unique feature about that legend was that the incubus could father children.

So, She's now mixing creatures here...
Main Entry: in·cu·bus
Pronunciation: \ˈiŋ-kyə-bəs, ˈin-\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural in·cu·bi \-ˌbī, -ˌbē\ also in·cu·bus·es
Etymology: Middle English, from Late Latin, from Latin incubare
Date: 13th century
1 : an evil spirit that lies on persons in their sleep; especially : one that has sexual intercourse with women while they are sleeping
Main Entry: vam·pire
Pronunciation: \ˈvam-ˌpī(-ə)r\
Function: noun
Etymology: French, from German Vampir, from Serbian vampir
Date: 1732
1 : the reanimated body of a dead person believed to come from the grave at night and suck the blood of persons asleep

So now Edward's an incubus and impregnated Bella. So Bella ges through an accelerated pregnancy. Jacob is angry about the dhampir in progress that is killing Bella. Now the Wolves want to kill the "vampires", but Jacob wants to protect Bella and becomes a lone wolf... Two more Wolves join Jacob. We get a gruesome scene for the birth of the "Demon Spawn" and Edward makes a C-Scetion with his teeth... Another of Stephenie Meyer's "pretty things" that she loves to write about; I suppose. Edward turns Bella and the Baby is growing at an accelerated rate. Jacob "imprints" on the baby... (furthering the Native American = Furry Pedophile "pretty thing" that Stephenie loves) Everyone is happy, Bella becomes THE STRONGEST, MOST COORDINATED "VAMPIRE" of them all. (SUPER MEGA MARY SUE POWAZ!!!1!) The Corleon... Volturi find out about the baby.

Renesmee... That is an actual portrait of the kid... Wait that the wrong Nessie... Whatever...
The Volturi want to kill Nessie (No Vampire kids allowed... The world does not need kid "Vampires"... I guess they saw The Little Vampire.), so the Cullens get a bunch of Vampires from ALL over the World to stand against the Volturi... (The ultimate Vamp Gang war... World "Vamp" War or something...)
This has to top the fight in the third book...
Nope! They talk... and talk... and Bella uses her super Mary Sue Powers to protect everybody from Dakota Fanning's telepathetic powers. The Volturi leave and everyone lives happily ever after.

I honestly cannot wait for the Breaking Dawn MOVIES (They're gonna split it in 2) That will make Dragon Ball Evolution look like a Masterpiece...

UPDATE: Someone pointed out that I forgot my ratings... and as I said I don't want to overtwilightize the blog. Here they are.
Twilight: 2.5
New Moon: 2.0
Eclipse: 2.5
Breaking Dawn: 1.5

Why? As I said on my twilight review: The books are easy to read, but they have this fanfictiony feel.
New Moon lost it's .5 because of the story and making Jacob Black into a Supernatural being... Can't Bella have any normal human friends?!
Eclipse is a 2.5 because it resolved loose ends from Twilight and New Moon, but sadly it left me hanging in the action department. Don't get me wrong, it has the most action on any Twibook, but most of it happens off page.
Breaking Dawn got a 1.5 because it was the END of the series. It was a huge letdown storywise and the flaws of Stephenie Meyer's writing are slapping you on the face EVERY SINGLE MOMENT... The switching narrators was a nice change of pace from plain ol' Bella's POV.

Saga"" Overall: 2.1 Just, don't bother with it...

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