Dec 7, 2009

Apple Holding is harder than it looks

Oh... Twilight, twilight, twilight... You have given us so much. Sparkling Vampires, an uninteresting Mary Sue main character, Native American Werewolves who fall in love with babies, Vampyr Baseball...

Also you've given us the Twihards. Oh my gosh! The Twihards... How can I put this lightly without resorting to the cliché swapping the h in hard for a T...

Ok Here We Go!!
I understand how the books and movies have an appeal with certain audiences. What I do not get is the borderline crazy grudges that the Twihards get with anyone who does not worship Edward, or Jacob... (More on Team Edward vs. Team Jacob later on.)

First of all, Twilight's target audience seems to be tweens and teenage girls. Yet Twilight has some dark undertones that are harmful for said audience.
Stalking: Edward does this pretty much in the entire series.
Pedophilia: Edward is about 100 years old, Bella is 17-19. Jacob is 15-18 and Renesmee is a newborn child.
Necrophilia: No matter how you put it Edward is DEAD!!
Bestiality: Jacob is a wolfman, Renesmee is (half)human... Two different species and Jacob wants to tap that.

Sure there is the positive theme of Abstinence, but that is overshadowed by the more disturbing parts!!

They are so beautiful...

Now the Twihards seem to be focused on how Beautiful Edward and Jacob are. They viciously defend their beloved Twilight to the point of making threats and some of them even act upon these threats of physical violence against people who do not bow down to the "awesomeness" that is Twilight.

Just do a Twilight search on youtube. The twihards go berserk whenever an anti-Twilight video shows up.
One group that I find disturbing is the "twilightmoms". As in grown up women who root for "Jacob or Edward". Can't they see them for what they really are... Monsters... Chick flick versions of monsters who seduce children...
Another creepy group is the male twihards...

Not all male Twihards want to be Bella. I bet some of the more obbessed ones have done this while listening to Decode and danced to their Life size Edward cardboards cut out.

This little feud is almost like having to choose between dying by a gunshot to the head or decapitation. Both are EVIL!!

Jacob: The werewolf who tries to get in Bella's pants by playing the BFF/Rebound guy, when that fails he takes a more aggressive stance, after that fails he goes for Bella's daughter... Furry-Pedo alert!!

Edward: He is a stalker. Overprotective, drove Bella into a suicidal streak after dumping her. Let's not forget that the guy is UNDEAD and old enough to be Bella's grandfather...
So Girls should dream of a sparkling pedophile stalker who will abuse them mentally.

These are the guys these tweens are dreaming of. Stephenie Meyer is one sick puppy. To think that all of this was spawned from a Dream...

Now for some Celebrities and their alliance:
Selena Gomez (Disney): Team Jacob (but She wants to choose both)
Demi Lovato (Disney): Both
AJ McLean (Backstreet Boys): Team Edward
Joe Jonas (Jonas brothers): Team Edward
Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan): Team Jacob
Miley Cyrus (Disney): thinks it's a cult and evil!!

Now for Fictional Characters and their sides on Twilight...
First on the List...
Lord Voldemort: Team Jacob (obvious reasons)
Prince Adam of Eternia: Team Jacob
Master Splinter: Team Edward
Squall Leonheart: ..... Go talk to a wall...(Team Edward)
Lion-O: Team Jacob
Dracula: Team Dracula. "Edward is a sissy creature not fit to carry the title vampire. He(Edward) sparkles like a fairy and does not drink human blood."
Solid Snake: I would've ****** Bella's brains out the first night in her room... Team Snake!!
Raiden: I sparkle, Edward sparkles so it's obvious who my guy is...

I had to ask fictional guys because Fitcional girls behave like real girls when Twilight is involved. I wanted to avoid catfights, especially ones that I could get hurt, because they involve superhuman characters...

In a nutshell, Twilight isn't awful, but it isn't good either. I do not mind it's fans (the sane ones), but what I despise is the TwiHARDS... As in the ones who are overprotective of this glorified fanfiction/ tween porn story. (I fear what will this rant do to the ads on the blog.)

Don't get me started on the whole Bella/Edward relationship is being mixed with the Kristen/Rob relationship... We all saw Benniffer I and how that ended up... I do not care if the actors who play Bella and Edward want to hump their brains out... Stop bringing that into twilight... Because between the "Bella looks liek a stonar and teh edwardzz must marry me!" and the "bella izz a stupidz hore for flirting wiht teh jacubzz" I don't care that Kristen may look like a stoner, Jacob looks like Sharkboy... Or Edward looks like Cedric Diggory... or that they are or aren't H-O-T-T!!!1!!! lol, rofl

Yup, Kristen Stewart looks like that stoner on the pic... waitaminute Kristen Stewart IS the stoner on the pic... Now we'll get Twihards getting high while waiting for their beloved Edward...

This inability to separate fact from fiction that many twihards suffer is scary.

Look at what Twilight fans have caused. People need to put signs on trees for them to back off...

Another thing that annoys me is that Twilight now has a spot on Comic Con. (Geek haven is now infested with Twihards. They ridicule the geeks and now they pollute their mecca. All because of Edward and Jacob...) Ugh! Now other panels must suffer because of the bloated mass of tweens and moms screaming for Edward and Jacob (they can't seem to remember that those guys they lust for are actors playing said characters...NOT the characters.) Some of them do lust for the actors, but I'm pretty certain that a High percentage does lust for the characters.

Thanks to twilight we've got tweens/teenagers and grown women waiting for their abusive Sparkling Peter Pan. STOP IT!! Learn to be independent women! It's fine to get a nice guy, but Edward or Jacob ARE NOT NICE... They aren't the bad boy either... They are MONSTERS who stalk and prey on the innocent. This is the opposite of Beauty and the Beast... There is no beauty within the beastly exterior... Only a monster inside the pretty shell...

Hopefully this will be the last article on Twilight for a long, long time. Don't get me wrong I dont' HATE Twilight, but I don't LOVE it either. The first book and movie are not THE greatest thing ever. They are rather bad, but bearable. The story has potential, but it is based on Stephenie Meyer's dream, so most of the story's faults lie in the author. The biggest problem that Twilight has is it's fandom.

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