Dec 6, 2009

Pale hands holding an apple the movie

As promised part II of the Twilight Review... This time I'm tackling Twilight: The movie...

Now that we've got the background music, Let's begin:

Remember in part one when I said that the apple holding made it to the movie... Around the part where I was making fun of the cover? Nope? Well here it is.

The Twilight movie in a nutshell:
Hyper simplify the Book, butcher the books best moments (and my favorite lines.), change the plot and pacing (partially), add a bit more of action that the book lacked... (probably to keep awake the Twihards' boyfriends, brothers, male BFs who were dragged to see the movie.) Unlike the book the movie takes a bit longer to spoil the truth behind vampires...
To find the secret in the book all you had to do was look at the back of the book... (which you would normally do to check the price of the book.)
The following is a quote from the back cover (and an excerpt from the book itself)
About three things I was Absoulutely positive.
First, Edward was a vampire.
Way to go Back cover... The secret thaty takes over 100+ pages to discover, spoiled in the back cover...
That's like having on the back of the Saving Private Ryan DVD the following message: TOM HANKS DIES!!
Or how about renting Psycho and right on the back cover... Norman Bates is the killer. Thank you Blockbuster video for ruining that movie night...

Now back to the movie.
It grinds my gears that the movie ruined my favorite scene of the book. I'll quote the book's second and ninetieth page: Red font is Edward because Red is Vampirish and Bella will be blue because Blue ryhmes with Mary Sue and that defines Bella perfectly.
"Please tell me just one little theory." His eyes still smoldered at me.
"Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?" Was he a hypnotist too? Or was I just a hopeless pushover.
"That's not very creative," he scoffed.
"I'm sorry, that's all I've got." I said, miffed.
"You're not even close," he teased.
"No spiders?"
"And no radioactivity?"
"Dang," I sighed.
"Kryptonite doesn't bother me, either," he chuckled.

The movie version falls flat compared to the book. Another part that I felt that the movie screwed up was the meadow scene. Why? Probably because in the book that scene wasn't too strong (and is the most important scene in the book, the onewhere Edward shows off his radiance.)

"Liek where izz teh sparkul?"
"CG effect... duh!"
"Liek teh Rob Pattinson duzn't sparkul liek teh Edwardzz?"
"Nope. Now leave me alone!"

I've rambled a bit and went a bit out of my way to add a "Vampires and Rob P. don't sparkle"
Now back to the movie. The movie has the same problems as the book. (Bella being an uninteresting Mary Sue type of character, Edward being Too Flawless, the very simple plot.) but by changng the pacingit feels a bit better. The appearance of the "evil vampires" is not so out the left field in the movie than it is on the book. (get it, left field, Sparkling vamps play baseball... Ah I kill myself sometimes...) The movie shows them early on as a threat. Another thing that grinded my gears about the movie is the Stephenie Meyer cameo.

I know what you're thinking...
"But Nefty, aren't you one who goes around praising Stan Lee Cameos?"
Yeah! But there is a difference. We don't see Stan Lee dressed up as Spider-man or the Fantastic Four. Although Stephenie Meyer isn't dressed like Bella, little sparkling vamp loving Bella IS an idealized version of Stephenie Meyer. (I covered that in part one. I'll refresh your memory just in case.)
S. Meyer Vs Movie Bella Swan:
-unpopular girls in school
-both have vegan tendencies
-both dream of Edward.

In the movie cameos Stan Lee isn't writing comic books, while Stephenie is probably leaking Midnight Sun online in order to gauge her own popularity... (looks like someone is trying to out Ego Steven Seagal...)
"But Stan Lee's had multiple cameos in multiple movies?"
True, but; How old are Stan's works? 30 to 40-something years.
Twilight's just 3-4 years old. It would be like J.K. Rowling making cameos in all of the Harry Potter movies.
The thing that angers me the most is that the True action of the scene is happening ON THE BACKGROUND while Stephenie has her Cameo.

In a scale 1-5, getting a 1= Uwe Boll is ashamed of your failure and 5 = one of the BEST MOVIES EVER!! Twilight gets a:
Not the worst movie ever, it's kinda bearable, but it's mostly bad chick flick fluff. (I'm partially immune to fluff... I can watch Jem, My Little Pony, Rainbow Brite, AND the Care Bears if I survived Twilight. Book and Movie)
As a Vampire movie: Twilight fails off the scale... - 5
Part 3 the Phenomenom... Twihards vs Haters, Team Jacob vs. Team Edward, Midnight Sun, the whole enchilada...

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