Dec 7, 2009

Stealth, Misdirection, Assassination... Ninja Time!!

Ninjas. The silent assassins from Japan. They are a huge part of Popular Culture... Unfortunately they've got a bad rap.

Thanks to this obnoxious, loudmouth, non stealthy bright colored clothes wearing brat, Uzumaki Naruto. Who happens to be a ninja... Ugh!
Ninjas are awesome! They are everywhere! From Toylines like GI Joe (Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, Kamakura), or He-Man (Ninjor). Videogames like Street Fighter (Geki, Vega, Ibuki), Final Fantasy (Shadow, Yuffie), Ninja Gaiden (Ryu Haybusa). Also they are in Comic Books like X-Men (Shadowcat, Elektra), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (The turtles, Splinter, Shredder, The Foot). They obviously appear in anime, Ninja Scroll, Naruto, etc. Ninjas are here to stay...

Back in the 80s Ninjas were very Popular...

See I'm not kidding we even got an American Ninja...

But the Ninjas always get their revenge... Believe it!!

Even the Immortal Connor MacLeod has some ninja troubles from time to time...

Now Ninja Assassin revolutionizes the Ninja movie genre by adding tons of CGI blood and gore effects. I am not here to talk about Ninja Assassin or any other Ninja movie. This was just a little background info on the silent but deadly ninja's role in movies. Now without further ado I give you the Top 10 movies that would've been better with Ninjas:

10)-Jurassic Park: Sure the movie had mutant dinosaurs and a bunch of scientists trying to survive the rampage of these prehistoric creatures. Add some killer ninjas trying to steal the secret to Hammond's Dinosaurs and you've got an action packed movie that makes Michael Bay look lke a director from those Livetime movies.
09)-Jaws: A great white shark terrorizing a beach town. Seems ok, but all the deaths happen on the water. Throw ninjas to the mix and we'd have an amazing epic between Nature's best Aquatic Predator vs, man's best killing machine. Suiton no Jutsu might not be enough for our Japanese assassin.
08)-Terminator Salvation: The movie wasn't that great. I already said that in a previous article. Having ninjas battling Skynet would've been 1000 times better than seeing Bale barking over the radio and moping while listeningto Linda Hamilton. Also the Ninjas would've turned that Marcus chump into scrap metal in the first five minutes of the movie.
07)-Any of the _____ of the dead movies: Ninjas + Zombies = Pure win... especially if you get Zombie Ninjas!!! (I'm getting tired of the zombie hookers.)
06)-Titanic: I know that in the real Titanic event there were no ninjas, but if Michael Bay can make the Americans win the Pearl Harbor Battle; having njas on the Titanic isn't that farfetched. The ninjas would've killed the Iceberg long before the sailors would've seen it. Hundreds of lives would've been saved on that night if ninjas has been on board.
05)-Silence of the Lambs, just imagine a Ninja Buffalo Bill...
04)-The Chronicles of Narnia: If the ninjas had been there instead of those kids, Aslan would've not have needed to play Jesus and die.
03)- Rocky V: Sure we wouldn't have had Rocky Balboa but Rocky 5 wouldn't have sucked as much.
02)- Scarface: Ninja Tony baby!! I guess that's the movie version taht the gangsta rappers must own... the one where Tony wins.
01)-A Walk in the Clouds: The ninjas would've saved the whole grape farm without losing a single grape...

I know what you're thinking no Twilight or Hannah Montana in those lists!?
Of course they would be better with ninjas, but I decided to use other movies that neede ninjas lot more. Now for the top ten movies that not even ninjas could save:
10)- Three Ninjas movies: Kids and Ninjas do not mix. No matter how anime makes them cool.
Th first movie was ok. It was a blatant rip off of TMNT and Home Alone. They even announce it proudly on the movie's cover.
09)-Surf Ninjas: Once again, Ninjas + Kids = Not good. Also being a mega product placement advertisement for the battery guzzling Game Gear is not good for a movie.
08)-DoA: Not even the great Kane Kosugi could save this movie from sucking... Mostly because the movie is just an excuse to show some T&A without showing T&A.
07)-Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li. Bad plot, Bad acting, bad casting. This movie is just bad... A bishonen is supposed to be beautiful. Taboo is not a bishonen...
06)-Mortal Kombat Annihilation: Having all of the MK ninjas didn't save this movie from sucking. Nightwolf and the Animality helped a lot on the suckitude scale.
05)-Dragon Ball Evolution: Mai being a ninja that could shapeshift was the first wrong in the multiple wrongs that never made a right in DB:e
04)-Elektra: The Daredevil Sequel without Daredevil. Reviving a dead character works in comics... in movies not so much. Taking names of Marvel characters and placing them on compeltely different characters a good movie it does not make.
03)-TMNT: The CGI pseudo sequel to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies. It wouldn't have sucked if the plot had followed, say, THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES instead of drifting off into a plot of catching 13 monsters and some stone generals...
02)-American Ninja sequels: They just got cornier to the point of parody... but then again Ninja movies are not known for their great story telling.
01)-Enter the Ninja (Revenge of the Ninja and Ninja III: the Domination): Just watch this clip form Revenge of the Ninja:

Alright most ninja movies from the 80s are cheesy, but I've said before that I'm a sucker for martial arts flicks.Thats why I keep looking for new Martial Arts movies... Now I need to find Ninja Cheerleaders... (Ninjas, Strippers, George Takei... enough said)

Eh... This ninja's better.

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