Amazing Spider-Douche 2 is coming among other things.
As always, it's a new year, so Time to do some renovations.
First let's start with a Review... A Review of a very SPECIAL SPECIAL...
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| The guy in this pic already reviewed it, but you probably know that. |
So, we start with the Classic Special... You should have guessed which one I was talking about...
The Star Wars Holiday Special...
So, the Special starts with Han and Chewie trying to reach Kashyyk for Life Day (The Star Wars Universe version of Christmas)
then the Special Starts... without the official yellow letters... BOO!
Holy crap! The young Mark Hamill looks a bit like Miley Cyrus... Harrison Ford as Han Solo... I thought he was bored out of his *expletive deleted* mind. Carrie Fisher as Leia. I'd make a joke about her being high here, but it would be considered tasteless... Even though she looks like she IS High when they show her face while she nods. Anthony Daniels returns as C-3PO (nothing new here.) Peter Mayhew as Chewbacca. R2-D2 as R2-D2!? Aw Hell No! No love for Kenny Baker!? That's Bull!
Hell! They go out of their way to mention Mufasa's voice as Freaking Darth Vader, they can mention James Earl Jones' voice, but not Kenny Baker!?
Ugh! Chewbacca's Family... Why am I doing this again?
BEATRICE ARTHUR!! That's why! (BTW I am wearing a Deadpool mask right now... Cause, Bea Arthur...)
Art Carney, the Inspiration for Barney Rubble is in this too! The rest of the cast is being shown and I'm already wanting to stop this review... This isn't my first encounter with this special, but its reputation precedes it and I'm feeling it!
So, NOW we're on Kashyyk with Chewie's Family. (I'm not going to use their real names of Malla, Itchy and Lumpy because they are stupid)
These Wookies live on a decent pad, for a bunch of Tree dwelling beings. Kinda reminds me of The Sims... menial household tasks done by people who I can't understand at all. Wait! Chewie's son is contemplating suicide! (Not that I blame him) Now Mrs. Bacca and Popbacca are crying over a pic of Chewbacca.
Popbacca puts on a holotape so Kidbacca can be distracted by a man in tight green spandex doing some sort of interpretative dance with his mutlicolored circus act... It's not bad for a TV Variety show, but it's very WTF worthy for a STAR WARS anything!
Mrs. Bacca is depressed because Chewbacca hasn't arrived, so they begin to pester Luke via the SW version of Skype, who is fixing something with R2. Luke almost burns his ass and his face while talking with the Baccas. He also flirts with Mrs.Bacca. See, what I mean, these wookies are Hi-Tech!
So, the Baccas now Pester Art Carney who is busy with an Imperial Soldier. We even get a painful pun about Han Solo.
Not sure if that Darth Vader scene was new or reused movie stock footage.
Now Mrs. Bacca is watching a cooking show. UGH!!!
Oh look! Han is back and there's reused movie footage, yay!
The Empire has declared Martial Law... OH NO!
Art Carney shows up and brought them stuff... Like Santa! Kidbacca gets a toy. Mrs. Bacca gets
some sort of tool for housewares. Popbacca gets porn!
Kaleidoscopic LSD SPACE PORN!! But not really porn because A) Star Wars and B)70s Television Christmas Specials lack porn... What's with the weird swimmers? LSD...
Gah!! Seems like Chewbacca's dad had a weird Wookie orgasm or something...
And Chewie's dad gets off with Musical Numbers... (Don't let him watch High School Musical or else the cops will come a-knocking!) This Musical Number almost feels like the Bastard Child of a James Bond and a CLASSIC Doctor Who Opening...
Uh Oh! Now 3PO and Leia have shown up... They're skyping the 'Baccas. Obviously, English to Wookie convos are a pain in the neck, so Leia asks Mrs. Bacca to bring the next human available... Thank Goodness, because I was getting tired of the Wookie talking and C3PO translating to Leia shtick.
MORE REUSED FOOTAGE!! and some Han and Chewie... Y'know, maybe if we spent more time with Han and Chewie instead of watching LSD Porn with Chewie's dad, MAYBE this would be easier to watch.
I figured out who Kidbacca looks like... A Furry Version of Zack from Zack and Cody. Now that Disney owns Star Wars, here's hope for a new show: the Suite life of Zack and Wookie!STORMTROOPERS oh crap!!
The Storm Troopers have reached the Bacca Residence...
The Empire seems to be looking for the Other Male Wookie of the residence, so Art Carney comes to the rescue. He tricks an imperial soldier with another holographic musical number. The guy is singing to a light microphone?
The instruments look too Earthly... I mean, at least the Jizz Wailers had more alien instruments...
Hell, the players look TOO Earthly. Couldn't they at least give them antennae, pointy ears, gills on their necks or anything to make the band look alien?
♫Come on, come on come on♪ and end the freaking song already! I wanna see STAR WARS, not listen to music.
Finally some action!!
They grounded the Chewbakid to watch cartoons... The Animation is weird... It's not THAT BAD, but it's not THAT GOOD either, so It's meh!
BOBA FETT!! BOBA FREAKING FETT!! YES! YES! YES! This is one of the 2 things that makes this special worth something!! BOBA FETT IS IN DA HOUSE!! and I won't spoil this because it is the better part of the special. Even if the animation is a little lame (It was done by Nelvana)
Now that the Cartoon is over we're back to the empire trashing Kidbacca's room. They even broke a Bantha plushie!!
I have to admit that seeing Kidbacca with the broken Bantha made me feel sad. Kidbacca is now assembling a transmitter with a glitchy video manual. Again, PAINFUL TO WATCH!!
Now we've finally reached Tatooine. Do you know what this means, kids?
Bob, You'd better bring my Chimichanga because it's BEA TIME!!
Oh look! I figured out how to make the Yellow Boxes appear!
I've been wearing this Deadpool mask through the whole thing just for this moment.
We're on the Cantina and Finally, BEA ARTHUR!! Since this is the second best thing of the Special I won't spoil much... BEA ARTHUR SINGS!!!
Wade must be feeling REALLY HAPPY about this:
So, yeah... The closest thing to actual Star Wars in this special is Bea Arthur singing at the Cantina... Think about that... Sure, we've seen Han, Luke and Leia, but this special has been Mostly about the 'Baccas... We saw Popbacca having an orgasm while watching LSD Porn, Mrs. Bacca pounding some meat while watching a cooking show and last but not least we've seen too much of Kidbacca... Can you see where I'm going with this? If you can, then can you see why Kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
As much as I love the late Bea Arthur, It's been painful to reach this point in the special. Which is a shame since her part is the best LIVE ACTION part of the Special.
Kidbacca tricked the Empire with the transmitter. The sole Storm Trooper that remained figured out the trick and he's going to Kill Kidbacca!! How will the kid escape? Chewie and Han, of course... Finally, some DEATH!! Am I the only one who feels like Harrison Ford is phoning it in and he REALLY DIDN'T want to be there? (in more ways than one) So, Han Leaves Chewbacca to his family.
Art Carney returns (and luckily interrupted the Bacca Family reunion...) to save the day better than Han did. cause screw Han Solo, Art Carney is the REAL Hero here!
After he leaves, the Baccas take their lights and hold them high for Life Day?
Now they're in space wearing red robes and I'm more confused. All the Robe wearing Wookies enter a glowing orb. I suppose they don't die because Chewbacca shows up on Empire Strikes Back.
So everybody here (except C3PO and R2D2) are wearing these robes. Oh Look, Leia is not wearing a bra! Why is Luke in his Farmer Clothes? Wasn't he wearing his Pilot duds a bit earlier?
They are not part of the cult, so they don't wear red robes. Ford still doesn't want to be here...
Really? Leia singing!? They just HAD TO CRAM another song into this thing?
Holy crap on a hat!? I ACTUALLY MADE IT TO THE END IN ONE SITTING!? Nice Recap scenes from the first movie. They needed to remind us that this IS Star Wars after all.
How do I feel about this?
Let's see:
I could say that it violates the Geneva Convention, or that it made me dumber by watching it, but it would be a disservice. I need to understand the cultural context. Variety shows were the rage back then, so it made sense to make a variety show while tacking on Star Wars. Is it good?
Oh Hell NO! but it is understandable, WHY they did what they did. Since it did not have the budget of the movie, it makes sense that it was so passive. Sadly, it feels like the special was meant to be shorter, but executive meddling added MORE Musical numbers to pad it out and make it more painful to watch...
Suddenly, THIS doesn't seem so bad:
While, yes I DID Mention the Nostalgia Critic way up above, I had NOT Seen his review of the Special in order to avoid any other bias or outside influence on the review. I also did mention that this is not the first time I had seen the special. I tried to once before, but only found the Bea Arthur song, the Boba Fett cartoon and the Very beginning of it. So, this time I was able to see the entire thing... In theory it isn't THAT BAD. It's just the execution that was flawed. Focusing on Wookies was a bad choice. Again, I get it in the 70s, the variety shows with lots of musical numbers were popular.
so, if this Special had been made in the 21st Century then the special would be plagued with lame Reality shows like Here comes Wookie Boo Boo, Womp Rat Dynasty or The Bachelor Gungan Edition.
I can see why George Lucas doesn't want this thing to be released... But at the same time I could almost see a "Special Edition" of this with buttloads of CGI added to it.
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