WARNING! This review MAY BE bordering on NSFW territory... Especially some of the links!
We start in Eternos where it's snowing and we have EXPOSITION! From Marlena and Randor.
We have Mattel Mandated Product Placement for: Fisto, Snout Spout, Sy-Klone, Glimmer, Flutterina, Peekablue, Bow, Castaspella, Stratos, Ram Man, Frosta, Teela,Kowl, Queen Angella, Mossman AND Perfuma.
OK to be fair, Those are the characters showing up that had toys... Since they HAD toys, they'll be called MMPP(Mattel Mandated Product Placement)... Cause in a way they are, cause seriously, What kind of King and Queen are Randor and Marlena that they make their guests decorate for Adam and Adora's Birthday!? Especially since most of these guests are queens and princesses themselves. (also Broom looks like he's enjoying it...) One More thing: Why in the name of The Sorceress is Peekablue painting Stars on the Palace Walls?
Randor says that they've been doing this FOR DAYS!! What kind of Host makes their guests decorate for a party FOR DAYS!? Marlena Remembers Christmas...
Randor conveniently asks if this is an Earth Holiday... which the Queen's reply is A VERY SPECIAL Earth HOLIDAY! Every time I hear A VERY SPECIAL_____ all I can think of is
We cut away to Orko, Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms... (another MMPP) who are working on a Sky Spy... Well Man-at-Arms and Adam are working on it; Orko is just spying. The Sky Spy is a rocket ship that will be used to Spy on Skeletor... Like an 80s version of the 200x Doomseekers, but big and clunky, so 80s! Orko Drops his book at the base of the rocket and sneaks inside; he also plays with the controls. Predictably he launches the ship into Space. No one knows Orko is inside the shuttle while Adam and Duncan can't turn the ship off. For a spy shuttle not having a camera to see who is piloting it, well it's a stupid move.
OPENING CREDITS TIME! She-Ra Theme crossed with Jingle Bells cause Christmas and now SKELETOR!!( MMPP) shows up with Two-Bad (another MMPP) trying to figure out what is that "Unsuspecting Rocket" that is flying around. Skeletor threatens Two-Bad as they try to catch the Sky Spy.
Meanwhile back in Eternos. Adora shows up at Man-at-Arm's Lab and Adam Raises his Sword...
He-Man Finally shows up! 4:18 into the movie... He leaves on a FLYING Road Ripper... (MMPP for both He-Man and the Road Ripper) but why is the Road Ripper Flying? He should have used a Sky Sled from the Battle Ram... Of course, Obvious MMPP!!
He-Man Reaches Skeletor's Ship and we get another set of MMPPs! Webstor, Rattlor, Spikor, as well as Skeletor and Two-Bad. Who are chasing the same Orko that was in space, is no longer in space... He only went to Space for the credits and returned to the planet. He-Man shows up to save the day until he gets attacked by Mechanical Tentacles but they call them forcebelts... The Tentacles ensnare He-Man...
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| I've seen enough Hentai to know where this is going... |
Where was I? He-Man and She-Ra are chasing the ship in Outer Space... No Space Suits required... Not even Sword to Space Helmet or nothing. Orko goes into Hyperspeed and He-Man and She-Ra give up on the chase... "Good thing no one was in there"... Wait, if no one was in there, why the hurry to chase the heck out of the ship? Cause they don't know Orko is in there...
They HAVE A FINDER BEAM... to locate the ship... A FRIGGING FINDER BEAM... Seriously!? Orko goes to an Icy Planet that Filmation tried super hard to hide the fact that is Earth.
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| More or less... The severe Ice Storm attacking The Entire Planet is blocking my view of the Caribbean. |
No ****ing way! Orko's magic WORKS ON EARTH! The kids were looking for a Christmas Tree until they got lost... Why don't they get their Christmas tree from Mall Parking Lots like Normal People do? What kind of Irresponsible parents lets 2 kids alone in the woods to look for a Christmas tree... Also, why are they following a Floating Stranger into his "ship"? Better get their Parents, a Teacher, a Counselor, a Doctor, a Minister or a Rabbi cause this is going into terrible territory...
Back on Eternia, Man-at-Arms is about to use the FINDER BEAM when Queen Marlena, Teela and Adora bring PLOT DEVELOPMENT!! Remember the book that Orko dropped next to the rocket that Launched him into Earth? It somehow did NOT get scorched by the Rocket... and is what tells everyone that Orko was inside the Ship... then Man-at-Arms
Back on Earth, Orko takes the kids into his "Sky Spy"... Now that I think about it, how did those two kids cut down a "Christmas Tree" without an ax, a saw or something sharp? They now Explain Christmas to Orko. They do the whole Presents bit and tell him all about Christmas and before any Religious content is mentioned *cough* birth of Christ *cough* we're back on Eternia and Marlena discovers that Orko is on Earth. The very same Earth she has not gone to in years, where she's got relatives that have been going to an empty grave for years... but back to the Movie. Teela seems upset that she may never see Orko again. Man-at-Arms attempts to comfort his daughter by claiming that he has a device to bring him back, but he needs a component that DOES NOT EXIST ON ETERNIA!! OK what the FUDGE!? I mean that's a bit of a Jerk move by Duncan or it's a way for Filmation to do some more MMPPs. Mermista is mentioned, so it WAS an excuse for more MMPPs...
Back on Earth we get the tail end of the Nativity Story with ZERO Jesus mentions... We get Santa, but not Jesus...
On Eternia, Adora decides to go alone to Etheria and we get She-Ra's Transformation almost 13 minutes into the whole thing.
We're back on Orko's Candy Ship... Sorry I couldn't resist... Now the kids are still talking about Non-Religious Christmas with Santa's story. And we're back to She-Ra on Etheria.
With Frenchmista... UGH! I don't hate the French and I don't hate Mermaids... but I hate FRENCH sounding Mermaids! and she tells She-Ra about Zee BeastMonster! Now She-Ra and Mermista (MMPP) go to Zee Wuins! Sheesh! Mermista reminds me of this every time she talks...
On Zee Wuins, She-Ra distracts Zee BeastMonster while Mermista looks for zee watercrystal.
She found Zee Watercrystal and she left.
Some Inbred Go-Bot cousins Wise Fwom they Gwaves who call themselves the Monstroids! (MMPP?)
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| the Real Monstroid is offended by these Things shown in the movie |
They're Terrifyingly BAD!! They left while She-Ra is trapped inside a giant bubble. She turns her sword into a Flaming sword to pierce the bubble!
18:19 We should be thankful that this isn't Anime, otherwise Bow would have died from a massive nosebleed... FYI Cold milk removes blood stains. I learned that from The Punisher videogame.
Now that my clothes smell like milk, we're back on Eternia where Man-at-Arms activates the Machine to bring back Orko.
Back on Earth... Seriously I hope this movie would stop jumping around and Who the Hell taught these kids Jingle Bells!? Now Orko has to protect the kids that are scared of the light from INSIDE the STRANGE ALIEN'S SPACESHIP that they willingly boarded... AND He effectively kidnaps the Children who'd probably be safer on Earth... Where their parents might be looking for them. Surprise! Orko is a kidnapper!
Luckily they cut away before we have to relieve Orko's "exciting adventure".
Finally some Villains! We start up with Horde Prime inside some sort of Asteroid rambling about some great power that may tip the battle against Good in Good's favor... Christmas. Horde Prime asks for someone to summon Skeletor and Hordak.
Back on Eternia, Orko retells his "Earth Adventure" To Marlena. The Queen is excited, but the Party Poopers are interested in knowing if they can be home for Christmas... Not cause Baby Jesus, but cause of Santa. The Queen and MAA give them the bad news that they're going to be stuck for a few days cause the Crystal that powers the Transport beam needs a few days to recharge... (Duncan is probably cursing himself silently because the Trollan Menace made it back to Eternia.) Queen Marlena proposes to replace Baby Jesus with Adam and Adora's Birthday Bash! Those kids swapped Baby Jesus for He-Man faster than Bow's nosebleed at 18:19... Now Orko pretends to be smarter cause he knows about Santa.
Horde Prime knows about Christmas... Probably becuase santa left him a buttload of coal and the smoke surrounding him is product of millennial coals burning... for uh, thousands of years? So now Hordak (MMPP) and Skeletor are going to compete against each other to squash Christmas.
Bow hits on a little alien girl and Perfuma tries to bring spring on Christmas, cause she's clueless about christmas until she makes Poinsettias and Christmassy plants appear. Then Bow sings Feliz Navidad... Nah! I wish!
Kowl and Orko dance to an awful song... Then Hordak shows up on a Flying sex toy...
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| This is Nimbus 2000 toy all over again... If I was a Time Traveler of course! |
So inside the Flying Sex Toy... this will do wonders with the ads here... We have Hordak Multi-Bot, Catra and Modulok as the MMPPs of the scene. The heroes decide to go see Peek-a-Blue for help... Back on Etheria The Inbred Go-Bots grab the Dildocopter... MOST Inappropriate image in all MOTU History... Beats the one where He-Man tosses stones that look like Procrustus's ball-sack. OK where was I? Inbred-Go-Bots take the Children from the Horde as THEIR Prisoners. Hordak and Co. Run away like little wusses.Now the heroes use Peekablue's vision powers... showcasing her powers (BUY PEEKABLUE!)
She states what we already know... except the part with the little robot people going to rescue the kids... The Manchines...
Orko learns to accept guilt... Dumb kid says that it WASN'T his fault... Uh, you've visited 2 Alien planets unwillingly CAUSE of Orko... Of course it's his fault! Meet the Manchines... They kinda look like the inbred-cousins of Doctor Light's Robot Masters... I'll not say anything else about the Manchines... Just watch until they get captured once more. Dammit He-Man! you should've let them be captured!
(It's no secret that I hate these Earthlings) She-Ra swords to Lasso the heck out of an Inbred Go-Bot, while He-Man beats the robo crap out of the Inbred-Go Bots! More Manchines (ugh!) show up and kill the Inbred Go-Bots. the kids fraternize with a Manchine dog as skeletor kidnaps the children... (and the dog)
Orko delivers bad news... (Well, Orko IS Bad news)
She-ra tries to follow with Swift Wind, but the Horse is captured in a Horny cage.
Apparently, the dildocopter was no longer useful, So Hordak got the Hordakjet and shot Skeletor in the back of his Sky Sled (MMPP) so he would crash with the children. Skeletor fights back with a laser beam cannon hidden exactly where Hordak shot him. They Crashland in the snow (cause conveniently it's WINTER EVERYWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE!) Skeletor got away cause the Power Twins were too busy freeing Swift Wind... One horn at a time.
Now Skeletor urges the kids to hurry cause Hordak is coming, but they're freezing in their winter clothes... while Skeletor is nearly naked and not freezing. Skeletor gets a quick low-down on Christmas until the girl died... I mean fainted. Skeletor makes them More winter clothing and she revives. Skeletor wants to kill the dog cause he's evil but has a change of heart cause his Heart grew three sizes that night.
Dog licks him cause Dogs love bones...
Skeletor is a bit too into this Relay licking him... He goes heroic for a moment there as he dispatches the Snow Beast. He then turns Heel once more and tells the kids he's still delivering them to Horde Prime, who's conveniently showing in the Hordeprimejet. The Power Twins show up as well. The Horde shows up (cause Mattel has to promote those Horde Troopers and Multi-Bot toys) a 3 way battle for the Children starts... except that the Kids were walking STRAIGHT TOWARDS Horde Prime as Hordak redundantly points out. Relay makes out with Skeletor as the Twins fight Horde Troopers... and get captured by Hordak.
The kids are doomed... Dammit! Skeletor changed sides again and forced Horde Prime to crash...
Horde Prime is about to Kill Skeletor, but He-Man and She-Ra tosseed Prime into Space.
He-Man can't believe it... Neither can't I but Skeletor is being good! He doesn't like it... Luckily for him Christmas only comes once a year! Hahahahaha!
So we're at Eternos and Snout Spout puts the star on the Christmas Tree... We see some Widgets, a Shirtless bee-Man, Lizard Man, Mekaneck(MMPP), Zodac (MMPP), Stratos eating Chicken legs... (I find it funny in a twisted way), Man-e-faces (MMPP) A pissed off Cringer... Oh look! They invited Zee Petite Mermaid... and that ABOMINATION (**** You Loo-KEE!) I see Sea Hawk's Mouse (and Sea Hawk, who did NOTHING in this movie), Dree-Elle, Yukkers, Ram Man Mossman and Fisto (the last 3 being MMPPs)
Santa gives a Flying belt to those 2 idiots... with no instructions... Does Santa hate them too? They're not sad cause they're leaving Eternia... "cause they miss their parents". The little girl did something intelligent for once. Delivered Relay so she wouldn't kidnap an alien being. They say their goodbyes as the children leave Eternia (possibly forever)
They reached home where their mom and Mario? were waiting for them... Methinks they're adopted or somebody may not be a parental unit of one or both children... Kids tell the truth, but as always, the parents don't believe them. The parents send them to bed as the kids fly to their beds... As Man-at-Arms spies on them... Also Adora ruins Christmas for a bunch of kids... Now we have not only replaced Baby Jesus with He-Man, now we replaced Santa as well... and they wish us a Merry Christmas!?
Why I oughta... Ooh! Moral time!
Not everyone celebrates Christmas and it's more important than Presents... It's a time of love, peace, caring and happiness...
End Credits... with an instrumental version of the Annoying Song...
How can I rate this, since I pretty much destroyed the entire thing. Sure I got it at WalMart for $1... So I can't expect much. It was a bit preachy while trying not to be. Most of the time the movie made NO SENSE... An invention that uses a Power Source NON-Existent in your own planet!? Why is Christmas so Threatening to Horde Prime? Why was Skeletor so aroused when the dog licked his face? Why did the Monstroid invent Planking?
I know I've crapped on the movie and I HATEHATEHATE the kids, but I have a soft Spot for this movie.
It's a 4/10, but I REALLY LOVE this awful movie or is it a 2 part episode?
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