Jun 6, 2016

I found the ooze's secret after stepping out of the shadows

You cannot watch out of the shadows and NOT compare it to Secret of the Ooze. Think about it: Shredder is back, he has two Mutated henchmen, there's a Vanilla Ice reference somewhere.

I had to call in an expert, 1991 me.
-So, young me, how did you like the movie?

-Whoa... Rocksteady and Bebop! Krang! Why was April a prostitute? Why is Baxter Stockman black? Did you see the part on the plane? the Party Wagon was shooting sewer covers!! And the Technodrome... That thing was scary! The turtles were a bit ugly though. I wanna see it again, then we get pizza!

-Maybe you should go easy on the pizza for my sake...

-You are aware that I'm a figment of your imagination based on yourself from 1991 and my tmnt knowledge only comes from the Fred Wolf cartoon? Also, you're using me to take a jab at Secret of the Ooze and find a way to justify that you enjoyed a Michael Bay adaptation of a property dear to you and he didn't "rape your childhood"?

-Make like the WWE and get the F out!!

Yes, I regret the words that shall appear on your screen. I enjoyed a Michael Bay TMNT movie. Dave Green did a much better work than Jonathan Liebesman.
The movie, sadly, is still connected to the first. Also, Tyler Perry. Not as annoying as Madea, but still annoying.

Let's do the good the bad and the Ugly: I'll try to keep spoilers to a minimum.

-The Action, seriously, the action. Flinging Sewer covers out of the Party Wagon was so Toyetic that it was ridiculously awesome. The Jungle scenes while fighting Rock and Bop for the McGuffin was duuuuuuuuude!
-The Humor... Sure some of it was cringeworthy, but when they got it right, it was funny.
-References... There was a Vanilla Ice Reference involving Ice Ice Baby and Not Oliver Queen.
-Stephen Amell: While not quite Casey Jones, my fear was that he was going to play Oliver Queen. He wasn't... His Not Quite Casey was happier than the sourpuss we see on Arrow.
-THEY CHANGED LEONARDO!! Well, at least his voice was changed... That means that Leonardo is no longer a Jackass!
-Rocksteady and Bebop! My Inner Child screamed with Glee! at the screen when they showed up... A lot of people cheered for Rock and Bop at the theatre.
-Shredder no longer looks like Megatron
-The Technodrome, N-word! It was gangsta!
-Movie ends with TURTLE POWER!! and a remixed version of the TMNT Theme combined with THIS!!

The Bad:
-Shredder was Barely there.
-Casey Jones barely did anything... or looked like Casey Jones... He looked like a happier Oliver Queen
-The Humor... I said it was hit or miss, so the Miss Part was bad. Also, thanks for reminding us of the Christmas Special!
-Krang... He sounds less like Krang and more like a Screaming Robert Barone...
-Baxter Stockman... Not the Character, just Tyler Perry...

The Ugly:
-The Turtles still look like Shreks
-Megan Fox. There was a smidge less of her in this movie, but still, Megan Fox... No jokes about using the Purple ooze on her Mutant Thumbs, I promise!

The movie has a few Bay-isms, but compared to the first one, this one feels less like a Bay Movie than the first. It feels like a parallel dimension's take on Secret of the Ooze... Had the Turtles looked more like the Turtles instead of Shreks, and Megan Fox replaced by a competent actress, this movie would be a lot better... It's better than its predecessor but, I can't LOVE this rebooted franchise, due to Bay and the horrible redesigns... But you totally have to see it!

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