Oct 1, 2014

Flinging Pop Corn at Miss Congeniality... uh 3?

Oh boy! These past few days without internet have kept me writing rants that I could not upload. So here's the first of the Nefty's House of Rants Internetless Rantathon! Rants that were supposed to come out in September have been moved to October... Damn the Patriots! or is it the Patriarchy?

It's been a while since I've done a Play by play rant for  a movie. This time I'm doing Miss Congeniality!
Before you jump up and do a happy dance, it's not THAT Miss  Congeniality. What I was meant to say was Miss Congeniality but  replacing the Pageant with College and Sandra Bullock with Hannah  Montana. HEY! move your pointer away from the close button!! Hey!  Don't go pushing back either!
I haven't ranted about Miley in ages, and the movie was incredibly  cheap! Let's find out why it was on the bargain bin of a dollar  store. Before I officially start, I want to point out that I wrote this as I saw the movie for the very first time. So, you're getting my thoughts on the movie as close to real time as possible. The only filtering that I'm doing is translating my thoughts into English and removing some swearing.

So the movie starts with a stakeout.Miley is some sort of Secret  Agent working with her dad... (Sadly, it's not Billy Ray Cyrus).  Doing the obvious hotshot Kid Protagonist move, Miley follows the  targets a bit too close. Awkward elevator scene... Followed by Bad  accents by Miley. Hoo boy! I'm only 1:57 into the movie and I want  to facewall. Look out! Here comes the Spider-Mile! Now it's  Paparrazi Miley who got busted during an implied threesome. Dude  chases her with a riding crop... Oh my!
Miley running up the stairwell followed by bathrobe Senator with  riding crop to the roof...(Roof, Molly... Are these subtle drug  references?) Saying Miley is beneath the Paparrazi? Riding crop  Senator asks for Camera and she gives it to him... NOT! Nifty  Camera yo-yo trick!
Miley beats him up with the riding crop (another Oh my!) to  escape... into the Intro! with a Blondie Song... You have Miley  Cyrus in your movie and you use a cover of a Blondie Song... NOT  SUNG BY MILEY!? WTF! Also, obvious stunt double riding the bike in  the intro.
Miley P.I. is now snapping pics at a diner... Dude comes up to  Miley and tries to chat up with her. Guessing he's a Fed trying to  recruit her. Miley refuses and he rats her out... and I was right!
Sexist joke and possible jab at Miss Congeniality and we get some  background info on Miley's character. Her mother died when she was  young. (Why does every Miley character have a dead mother?) and  Miley takes a jab at Aikido... A certain self-proclaimed god will  not be too happy about that.
Obviously, as the hotshot kid protagonist, Miley refuses the  offer. 
Oh gawd! Badly photoshopped pics fill Miley's place. Yes, I know  the character's name is Molly, but Molly sounds like a slurred  Miley. Race results paper in the trash to further show her dad's  gambling problem are what will convince her to do the FBI thing.
Miley's dad was busted by Miley showcasing her "Detective  Skills"... Move Over Batman, we have a new World's Greatest  Detective!
Like I said, she accepts the offer because of that. OK, all we  need now is Michael Caine... And we like, got, like a totes not  Michael Caine. So we got this Bizzy lady and this Gay Hairstylist  stereotype transforming Miley into something else. No, I will not  go for the Hannah Joke. That's too Obvious.
Batman joke? The new World's Greatest Detective pulls off a Batman  joke? Is this movie trying to keep me out of a job as a ranter?  You can't make fun of yourself movie, that's MY JOB! (The pay is  horrible, but the experience is liberating.)
Miley is now Brooke Stonebridge... At least they didn't call her  "Girl Name First Name State Name Last Name". You knew that the  Hannah Montana Reference was supposed to come sooner or later.  Dammit Movie, stop trying to steal my jokes! Looks like I got a  new soundbyte for my phone. Miley cussing!
We're in Nawlins now! Brand new chick playing in the background...  Miley is now a "Brand New Chick!" I haven't seen such Subtlety  since HideoKojima tried to do an anti-nuke message!
Miley tries holding back urge to punch a douchebag that was  attacking a girl. Damsel snaps back at Miley for trying to defend  her.
Holy Lesbian bad interptretation Batman! This whole Sasha intro  was a bit awkward. Croatia? Is this an implication that She may be  related to the bad guys? Miley meets her target and kinda makes it  seem like she knows her from way back. 21 minutes into the  movie... Sometimes I ask myself WHY do I do this? Holy secret  Attache Case, Batman! Kelly Osbourne doing a Southern Accent!? Why  movie, Why!? Ah, nice joke at the New ID name's expense. Really?  Miley blew her cover with Kelly Osbourne right out of the bat.  Luckily it was taken as a joke. This is WORSE than Miss  Congeniality! Why do I keep torturing myself!?
Miley gets a Girl boner for a bike she sees. Nearly blows her  cover, again... Sorority girls walking around in their underwear  talking about what they want in life. (sounds like a golddigger  convention.)
You called, dahling?
Miley, once again nearly blows her cover by talking  about guns being the thing she wants the most. Must... Resist...  Urge... to make... Redneck... Jokes! Did I hear a Stolen Dildo  reference? Idiot girl is idiotic.
Bunch of Spy cameras in a Sorority house... The FBI is starting to  look way more perverted than the F.emale B.ody I.nspector shirts!
 Miley's  Bodyguard instincts kick in when she sees some shadows by the  window. Betting it's a false alarm to make her look awkward.
Wet Sorority girls in white dresses...
Finally some possible action, with Miley tailing her target.
Holy Smokes! The Target, daughter of an accountant associated with  the mob is taking a class on the RICO act. Once again, Miley  almost blows her cover. Am I the only one who laughed about this  for the wrong reasons? Mostly based on what my brain is trying too  hard to turn into a Hannah Montana Reference. 

World's greatest Detective keeps blowing her cover.
Miley gets caught snooping on her Target's room, but luckily it  was just a dumb sorority girl... No match for the World's Greatest  Detective! One call from the Bat Phone and Miley has a rendevouz  with the Fed dude, who informs her that Bizzy was killed. Not to  mention a warning for Miley to get serious.
Idiot Girl scares Miley by waking her up with pots banging, but Miley pulls out a gun on her before realizing what was going on! (Seriously, how many times has she blown her cover?)Miley tells Idiot girl that the gun is not real, so Idiot girl aims gun at Miley and threatens to bust a cat in her ass. Just replay the Twilight groans from earlier...
Miley, once again tries to help Idiot girl to deal with her Douchy boyfriend... It doesn't work... Miley beats up a douche, Batman Style while listening to another dude hitting on her. (I think it was bike guy, but since I'm not too into the movie I could be wrong.)
BatMile is doing Detective Work when she notices The Target talking to her Professor. The Feds call Miley to meet up at a Church. The Feds tell Miley to date Bike guy. This leads to a semi-awkward conversation that gets the best line in the movie!
So Miley and Mr. Amazing Balls go on a date to a Jazz Club in the French Quarter. Looks like the writer's trying to force the relationship to blossom between Miley and Mr. Amazeballs. I'm pretty sure the whole She's undercover and living a lie may put a damper on that when revealed. Cause we know that's totally going to happen.
Now they are preparing to sell a bunch of Stuffed Toy Lobsters.WHAAAAAAAAA? Idiot Girl is a Chemistry Major!?
Lobster Miley looks WAY Better than 2014 Miley! But they're not selling stuffed Lobsters, because the girls from the rival sorority are washing cars... Because PATRIARCHY!! Idiot girl doesn't realize her boyfriend is ogling at the AAA girls.
Now Miley goes back to her Paparazzi roots and catches the Doctor and a student... Blackmail time! The Possible villain is pissed that Miley single-handedly saved their sorority by selling ALL of the stuffed Crawfish toys... (I was wrong to call them Lobsters. I just needed an excuse to postRock Lobster, alright?) So Most likely to be the villain gives Miley her Bracelet. I smell a "Oh Noes! Somebody stole my bracelet" ploy to get Miley kicked out of the house! It's so predictable!
And there it is! Now Miley is a pariah in her sorority. Once again, the movie steals my chance to make a joke at its expense. Damn you dude with the amazing balls! (and that sounds so wrong when coming out of my mouth.)
So, possible villain leaves and Miley lockpicks into a room. Finds something and kinda gets caught by an Osbourne.Miley confronts possible villain. You know, I'm starting to think that she may not be the villain... but who's been under our faces all along and I've mostly ignored? I'm calling it now, the Villain is Kelly Osbourne... Saying it because she shares her last name with the Green Goblin.
OK, neck massager = vibrator joke is getting old! So all ended well on the whole disciplinary meeting thing. Target tries to leave and Miley tries to help her out, but she ends up chasing the target in her car. She tails her to what seems to be her professor's place, who happens to have a gator as a pet? Who the hell has a gator as a pet?
Miley begins to tail the Professor. Interrupted by the Feds! Apparently The guy with the Amazing Balls is not who he claims to be... Well, that helps the relationship with two liars! Now at the celebration for winning the trophy, Miley has to track down Amazeballs. She catches Idiot Girl's boyfriend making out with another girl. She sends the picture to her. Miley sees Target leaving, but she is blocked by Amazeballs. She tries to "sex it up" with Amazeballs, but I'm guessing it's a distraction to go after Target Girl. Damn! Miley IS the God Dmaned Batman... ONE PUNCH! She steals Amazeball's bike and goes into the bayou to the Professor's place. She hands over snacks for the gator.Prep Time, more proof that Miley is Batman! Wait, Miss Jiu Jitsu got her ass kicked!
Surprise! The Feds were not truly feds?
Mind was freaking blown! Now Miley is gonna go and do things right? The Real FBI is on the case, but Miley being the Hotshot protagonist, believes that the feds are not up to snuff to complete the job. Of course they decide to allow Miley's little plan to be executed. Damn those undercover feds are incredibly easy to spot. They're just one notch under wearing signs that say "I'm a Federal Agent in disguise"!
And the bad guy proved to be smarter than all of them... or did he? I'm smelling a Miley trap coming. So, bad dude takes Miley and the Target to where the Ledgers he was looking for are located. Sweet Nibblets! I was right! Amazing Balls had to screw things over... So, bad guy starts fighting with Amazing balls. Ooh! a jab against the Jo-Bros! Miley pushes bad dude out the window who threatens her to blow up the car with the Target.
He blew it up! Daddy to the rescue! Explanation of Miley's plan for those of us who missed it.
The real FBI tired to recruit Miley, but she refused. Instead, she has her father reinstated.

2 Months Later!!
It all worked out between Miley and the guy with the Amazing balls! Dang it! It wasn't an Osbourne behind the Conspiracy... DAMN YOU NORMAN!!

OK, so my thoughts... It's not HORRIBLE. It's mostly predictable. I still can't believe I did NOT SEE the plot twist coming. I did have a few chuckles during some scenes. "Your balls are amazing" was the only scene where I laughed out loud. To be fair, the movie is a bit more enjoyable if you watch it without trying to nitpick the hell out of it.

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