Mar 4, 2015

bad Twilight fanfiction is bad...

Well, I caved in to peer pressure and went to see Fifty Shades of Grey...  (If read that way you'd think I need some new friends.) Was it bad? Yes. It wasn't Tommy Wiseau bad, but simply bad. The movie had nothing that could redeem it. Not even Danny Elfman's score.

The movie is basically a rehash of the first Twilight, minus vampires, or any real conflict. Seriously, if you've seen or read Twilight, you'll see a lot of similarities between Edward and Grey or Anesthesia and Bella.

According to S & M experts, the movie is dead wrong in how it depicts the lifestyle.

So, let's do a recap of the plot with spoilers. Not doing a play by play since it would mean watching the movie more than once. Also it involves rewatching this at a movie theater and I am already scarred for life... No joke, during the entire movie I heard a combination of buzzing sounds and stifled female moans that made me feel worse than the person who was sitting next to Pee Wee Herman the day he got arrested. Some women were actually touching themselves while watching the movie. Most of the audience watching the movie were women in the ranges of 35+ and one of the frisky ladies was in her 60s... Also the ratio of women to dudes was: 34:1. which meant I WAS THE ONLY GUY IN THERE... I could have been raped! I won't risk getting raped for the sake of comedy because Rape is bad, mkay!

So, the quickie recap... no pun intended. The movie follows Anesthesia Steele. (Real name Anastasia, but she is so dull and boring as a character that the name Anesthesia suits her better. Then again she is a Bella Swan store brand knock-off. Remember that this started as a bad Twilight Fanfic.)
She's covering her roommate on an interview with the mysterious Christian Grey, who is a poor man's substitute to Edward Cullen. The guy has a cartoony parody of OCD, hence the whole S & M thing... but that is getting ahead of ourselves. He is taken by plain jane Anesthesia that he stalks her, like a sparkly vampire, to her workplace. He buys cable ties, rope, and tape. (Do not buy NyQuill and a toy when you buy those items from WalMart. It's already pretty embarrassing having to explain that a) I'm a toy collector who likes My Little Pony
b) I have a cold and it's not letting me sleep at night
c) The tape and cable ties are for keeping my entertainment center organized
d) The rope is to make a rope chew toy for my mom's dog.
and it's even more embarrassing when they call the cops.

So, they meet, have some non-chemistry, he pops her cherry and then...

That would have made the movie more palatable. Instead he shows her the world's tamest sex dungeon that money can buy. All he had was a few cuffs, flogs, canes and riding crops.

He then proceeds in a very pro-anti-sex-third-wave-feminist manner to deliver a contract to engage in sexual congress, even though he already took her virginity without the contract. Now, the contract is for the kinky stuff, but that is the main conflict in the movie. Will she sign the contract for pretty much her soul because she is getting good sex from Bruce Wayne/Edward Cullen? We even get a meeting the parents scene here that echoes the meeting the Cullens scene. If we were to play a Scene ripped off from Twilight drinking game, we'd end up drunk.

She then tries some "S & M"stuff where he whips her in a less than half-assed way.
In the end she gets freaked out because he slaps her with a belt almost as  hard as a Latin American mother uses La Chancla.

and leaves us with a cliffhanger ending that screams SEQUEL!!!

Now here's the thing:
Sonny Crockett's daughter is a piss poor replacement for Bella. Half the time she spent trying to stifle laughs at awkward moments. Getting flogged is no laughing matter, yet she was cracking up. The acting felt almost Soap Opera-esque.

Do I recommend it?

 But, it's slightly better paced than the fanfic it spawned from.

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