Jan 10, 2017

Je suis Shinji

My French really sucks... I only know how to say: Hello, Cheese Omelette, Who cut the Cheese, Shit and I am Shinji... But this rant will be about my favorite Depressed Japanese Child who is forced to get inside a Robot he's supposed to get inside of. I've already mention the Second Dad of the Year with Gendo... The thing is that pretty much EVERYONE HATES Shinji...

But to be honest, I hate Shinji too... but for a different reason... I don't hate him because he's a wuss...

The reason why I Hate Shinji is because I AM Shinji, minus the surrounded by hot women, the killing aliens inside a giant robot, or Making Yogurt over comatose girls... but, yeah... I am... well, WAS Shinji. Weak willed, aiming to please others over myself. yearning for my father's approval, always running away from reality and trying to hide within myself in order to avoid feeling (emotional) pain, feeling like a perennial failure, no matter what I do (did).

My fears and Insecurities were the same as Shinji's. His reactions would probably be MY REACTIONS IF I WAS IN HIS SHOES... and yes, that includes the hospital scene from EoE...

Shinji is a mirror to our souls and the scary thing is that it shows us that we're no heroes... We're cowards. I didn't understand Shinji until a few months back. I kept postponing this rant, because it involved rewatching Evangelion and my state of mind last year would not have allowed it. While I'm still not ready (Mostly because it's expensive as hell to find the entire series and the Rebuild movies.)

J'├ętais Shinji, because I let myself fall in the grasp of depression and let misery comfort me, wallowing in self-pity and self-loathing. I am no longer Shinji. I am no hero, nor I intend to be one. I still have my fears and insecurities, but I no longer let them control me. I still struggle with my desire to please others and earn their approval, but it's not my driving force. It's a long road... but I have been fighting to become a better self. Opening up to others is still a bit hard, but being afraid of being hurt actually hurts in a different way. Seeking Help before the despair completely overwhelmed me, might have been one of the best things I've done.

After going through my issues and facing them, I have learned to appreciate Shinji, a lot more... Even if he's an avatar of all that I despised of myself.

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