Guess what I'm going to review now. At least he was generous enough to get me the one with the Bandanas... That way If I LOATHE the movie, I can still use the Bandanas as nods to the good TMNT stuff. Oh great! Even the Badanas are crap. You only get two, but they're "reversible" Meaning. Put it in Mikey mode and when you tie it, it'll look half red, half orange. Same thing with Leo's Half blue, Half Purple.
Let's DO THIS!!
Anyone has some Moonshine? I think I'll need some of that to clear my head.
Not even one minute into the movie and I'm screaming BULL! Turning this into a play by play, because Spoiling a crappy movie will save you from watching it.
They are not "destined to protect New York!" Their Destiny is not even to avenge Hamato Yoshi... They are a Cosmic Accident, not Destiny. I'm not even through the intro and I'm already seeing red flags!
Non-Ninja Foot Clan is lame!
Paramount Pictures engraved in a Samurai Sword... Take it away Lex!
comic book-style credits crossed with people playing Fruit Ninja in real life... I have to admit that it's kinda cool.
I think the Narrator is Splinter, but he sounds so not Japanese, so I'm not sure... I miss the late Mako!
Ugh! Megan Fox! I will only say that I never liked her as an actor. I think that even Kristen "Needs to take a Laxative" Stewart would have done a better job than Megan Fox.
Really? Megan Fox flapping her arms in a trampoline? Please, tell me again how this ISN'T a Michael Bay Movie?
Script puts Megan Fox on the scene of a crime, where the Americanized Foot Clan is stealing chemicals. Something is Striking Hard and Fading away into the Shadows. Not Michael Bay won't allow us to see the Shreks clearly. Wait are these Shreks using Gamma Radiation? They are tossing Cargo Wagons at the Americanized Foot.
Megan Fox was only able to take a picture of some kanji? Now we get to see Whoopi Goldberg (Double Social Justice Whammy, a Black Woman playing the Role of a White Man) But Whoopi's internalized misogyny doesn't help poor Megan Fox who is oppressed by her male coworkers and ridiculed when she comes with very little evidence of the Shreks stopping the American Foot.
11 minutes in and se see Eric Sacks... Which is an obvious Americanization/Bastardization of the name Oroku Saki. Now we see a Japanese Shredder and a girl I must assume is Karai... So this must be one of those scenes added later on after the backlash against White Shredder.
Foot clan Rising, Own the City? what the hell is Nippon Shredder talking about?
Now, White Shredder is talking about a tragedy that happened years ago. (Betting it has something to do with April's father.) blah blah blah
Now we have Megan Fox running into a disaster. (People are fleeing, she is running towards it. then again, that kinda describes her journey with Michael Bay!) NOW we get a glimpse of the Shreks.
Megan Fox hides behind a Litter stops here sign... Potential joke in the making, but that would be my soggy knee stick. She gets Captured... Which to be fair, Banana Jumpsuit April often got captured. they're surrounding the Hostages with C-4? These guys ain't Ninja? They're TERRORISTS!!
so, the Shreks show up and kick some shell, but are barely seen because of Low Budget Michael Bay emulating his master and not letting us see the Turdles.
Is it wrong to have smiled when Raphael slammed Megan Fox into the rooftop?
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| I will not make fun of Megan's Thumbs. |
Raphael has a Batman voice (nod to the Nightwatcher?) and did Michelangelo made a Boner joke? Bay influence deniers, tell me again who this ISN'T A Michael Bay movie?
Johnny Knoxville as Leonardo DOES NOT FREAKING WORK AT ALL! So Megan Fox faints and the turdles kidnap her. While the movie has been crappy so far, there have been some similarities with the 1990s movie. Fight at a subway, wonder what else they'll do? Y'know... It's gotten real annoying and it's only been done twice. Stop it with the whole Megan Fox is hot and Mikey wants to give her the secret of his ooze.
A Fart joke... Do I need to say it again? This has Bay written all over it!
Ugh! They're using the IDW origin as their base... BLEGH!
Reference to the horrible Christmas Album... OK movie, I'll give you that one. Ugh! I hate Splinter's voice! BTW it almost seems like this Splinter is a bit of a dick.
Now we have Megan Fox trying to explain to Whoopi the TMNT. I have to admit, the scene was funny. No! This turd isn't supposed to be fun... I Must hate it with a passion hotter than 1000 suns!
So, now the Fantastic Megan Fox is going to visit White Shredder.
Splinter is torturing his sons, because he is the All Star splinter... Pizza Hut? on a TMNT Movie? Psh! Everyone knows that Movie Turtles eat Domino's... Videogame Turtles on the other hand, those are Pizza Hut fiends! and now the Turtles must kidnap April O'Neil... I guess an Origin told by Splinter will follow that.
Heroes in a Half shell... OK, now the movie is trying too hard to throw bones at old school fans who mock the T.A.I.N.T.
Now April is at Xavier's School for the Gifted to visit Not Oroku Saki. We got THE WORST POSSIBLE line in this movie. April's arrived a little early this year. I feel bad for all the Aprils in the world who have had to suffer receiving that lame comment.
No White Shredder is aware of the existence of the Shreks.
White Shredder is a Japanese American, so much for Eric Sacks not being Oroku Saki. He tells her a magic cure-all story and the Ooze being that McGuffin.
Donatello hacks Megan Fox's Computer and requests a meeting. (Kidnapping scene)
Michelangelo drinking orange crush and he kinds looks black... Racism using the comedic character? That's so Bay-like!
White Shredder goes to talk to the Post-Production Nippon Shredder about the Shreks. The Card that Sacks gave Megan Fox had a tracker... Seriously, who puts Trackers in their Business cards, ESPECIALLY made for people that they were NOT EXPECTING as visitors?
Origin Story time... told by Mr. Monk... and here's the Mandatory Eastman and Laird nod.
Quick question, who drops perfectly working Katanas and nunchucks down the sewers?
Wait... The Bandana Leo is wearing is the Karate Kid Bandana. Did they just dropped a slice of pizza on Splinter's head? Stop trying too hard to reference the BETTER TMNT movie, movie!
Tonight I dine on Turtle Soup... Now, referencing Uncle Phil won't save you from being crappy!
OK this whole Shredder Plotline makes even less sense than Hamato Yoshi's rat learning ninjitsu and escaping after Yoshi's death when fate intervened and made him a mutant. Now, Splinter learned Ninjitsu from a book... (just as silly as a rat mimicking a ninja and learning ninjitsu, BEFORE mutating.) Did the book had a special chapter on ninjas with prehensible tails?
Holy Crap! It's Megatron! And meh, Raphael gets hit by a bunch of tranq darts, while Splinter lays the Smackdown on Megatron. Also, Johnny Knoxville gets tazed... again.
Megatron is about to kill Splinter when Megan Fox stabs one of the suits key pieces with a sai. Finally she is useful! Now Splinter slams her into the ground to save her... and to appease the Megan Fox haters.
Splinter sacrifices himself to save the Shreks while Megan Fox watches. Megatron captures Leo, Donny and Mikey and then the American Foot bombs the lair.
Raph is believed to be dead, but he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him...
They left Splinter? If they needed beings with Mutagen in their DNA, why not take him as well?
Military vehicle fetish? Not in a Bay movie... That has never happened in a... Who am I kidding? This also has BAY written all over it!
Now the wounded Splinter begs Raphael to save his brothers. Megan Fox calls Vern and asks for his help. Do my ears deceive me or is that Careless Whisper in the background. Oh I get it! Vern wants to get into April's pants, so they have him listening to Careless Whisper as he talks to April!
Raphael hijacks the van (with Vern Driving...)
Usagi Yojimbo reference! White Shredder is monologuing.
Raph, Megan Fox and Vern crash the gate.
Newsvans are made of paper. Turtles are bulletproof.
"Take a bite out of the Big Apple" line? Will they have White Shredder tie Megan Fox to Train Tracks and give him a mustache to twirl? Since we're going with painful cliches and all that...
Raph vs Megatron... FIGHT!
Vern perfectly describes my issue with this Shredder perfectly.
WAIT! Raphael could barely dent the glass, but the Other 3 break it perfectly from the inside? Even with an Adrenaline shot, that's bull!
Wait! the Chopper left at full speed... This is all wrong! Liebesman didn't channel Bay here... This actually helps the Bay deniers!
NOW they notice they are Bulletproof? Raph was Bulletproof a few minutes ago!
Hot wiring/Keys under the sunvisor cliche... check!
Oh these scenes explain the Snow Battle in the Trailer...
Johnny Knoxville gets tazed... again!
Bo-jacking the car was cool. HATE the nerd glasses on Donny!
Shot of Megan Fox's ass... Nope! Nothing that the Bay wouldn't do here...
Michelangelo is using an SUV to surf an Avalanche... Cool image, I'll admit!
Knoxville + Tasers... WE GET IT, MOVIE!! HE WAS IN JACKASS AND GOT TASERED!!
Holy crap! That's almost the same plot as "Not really amazing" Spider-Douche 1 with the Lizard turning people into lizards via a tower switched to Shredder making people sick for money, via a tower...
Elevator scene wasn't as bad as I thought...
Cowabunga scene was glorious!! Way better than Booyakasha! COWABUNGA FOREVER DUDES!!!
So Shredder is kicking the Turdles' shells while White Shredder (thanks to the rewrite) is fighting Megan Fox and Vern.
What the Hell? Mikey comes out with the Plan and Knoxville gets credit!?
Vern beats White Shredder with a Telescope...
Meanwhile the Turtles are still battling Shredder on a rooftop (nod to the Mirage comics)
Clint Eastwood's Cowabunga was badass.
Megatron decides to take down the Tower but Megan Fox channels the little Shia LaBeouf inside of her and tries to bargain with Megatron, who knocks her off the building. Sadly, she didn't die. So Megatron tires again and the Turtles jump to save her... don't!
Megan Fox kills Megatron, not exactly Shia LaBeouf Style, but it kinda works as another Bay is ripping off himself by using his padawan, Liebesman.
Stop it with the whole Michelangelo/April shipping.
Raph is a softie... with a tough exterior...
Oh geez, Shredder touched the Mutagen... Super Shredder in TAINT2 Secret of the Ooze?
Get off my chest joke by Splinter? Another Cliche line?
Is that the new Paerty Wagon? Looks more like a Party Clown car... Nice nod with the TMNT theme song on the horn, but moive, you trying too hard!
Needless Baysplosion! Nope, not Bay!
Happy Together by The turtles? Really?
Wait, did they disguise themselves as a Billboard bra?
Now that I ruined the movie for you, here's the eview part of the rant:
Pic says the gist of my issue. The movie has so many Bay-Like Scenes that it was almost as if Bay had been sitting on the Director's chair. If no one knew about Jonathan Liebesman directing it, they'd totally think that it was a Michael Bay Movie. It almost felt like Transformers, but switching Transformers with TMNT.
The Designs of the Characters were HORRIBLE!! The Turtles looked more Frog-like. The Human-like lips gave off the Shrek look and in some cases a bit of an Annoying Orange look to them.
Splinter NOT BEING RAISED by a Japanese person in order to take the Japanese look was borderline racist. Shredder? I called him Megatron during half of the review and Vern called him a robot samurai. So, the obviousness of the problem is stated quite often.
The story... Oh my Celestia! Where should I start?
Eric Sacks + Oroku Saki - Hamato Yoshi.
I think that the whole Sacks thing should have either been Embraced Completely OR Scrapped Completely. What the movie did was sloppily add a new Shredder and a new Battle to partially scrap the Americanized Shredder. If Shredder was such a badass ninja warrior, why would he need the Cyber Suit. Speaking of which, why was that suit built since he wasn't aware of the existence of the Superhuman Turtles? The whole taking over the city thing wasn't even explained. I get that Sacks wanted Money, but Shredder's motivations where, uh, Stupid! The lack of Hamato Yoshi screws ALL of the Turtles' involvement.
Hamato Yoshi was the reason why Saki comes to America. Yoshi is the reason why Splinter learns Martial Arts. Yoshi is the reason WHY The Turtles have ACTUAL NINJA WEAPONRY.
Yoshi is the reason why Splinter TRAINS The Turtles. With Shredder killing Yoshi, we have the bond between the Heroes and the Villain. In this movie without Yoshi, there is no real reason for the Turtles to Battle Shredder. Now how did Splinter make Custom Weapons for the Turtles, because Raph uses some oversized Sai, Mikey uses Oversized Nunchucks... I get that Donny modded a Bo Staff because he's a
They have no real drive or motivation to become ninja warriors, except the contrived reason the script gave.
That brings us to the next point. The Shredders' plan was pointless. Sacks Tower had a huge tank that was filled with Poison for over 15 years on top of New York and they didn't have an Antidote to?
Had Splinter not taught Martial Arts to the Turtles, Sacks would have never found out about the Turtles and wouldn't have used the "Lizard knock-off plan"
The Turtles being "April's Pets" makes no sense either. It "forces April" into some role that she doesn't need. Yes, she is like a Mother Figure for the Turtles, and also the first human they interact with as a friend; but she didn't need to be "their savior". Now back to the pet thing.
If they had been her pets, she would have taken them home when she saved them from the fire, not throwing them into the sewer. OK I would have bought the sewer thing if she had slipped and the turtles had fallen into the sewer. Then the whole Sacks is Shredder's "son" who worked with April's dad and April's pets were the pre-mutation TMNT and Splinter.
Here's the thing: Was it HORRIBLE? No, but it was bad. It tries too hard to appease fans of the 80s toon by throwing nods and references that Today's kids (the supposed target audience) would not get. It tries to be edgy with immature humor and references to zoophilia, but it's not subtle.
I did not completely hate it. It had a few moments. It had some cool visuals, ruined by the horrible designs. It had some decent acting, but not from Megan Fox, or Johnny Knoxville.
Even Pie
Shalhoub did a great performance as Splinter, but it didn't suit him.
I was surprised... but I've heard better Splinters.
Now How can I rate this movie? I don't want to use the standard method since this is a Special Occasion.
OK! This movie ranks a bit above the Third Movie, but WAY Lower than the 2007 CGI Movie, the First one and Secret of the Ooze.
If you want to see Turtles that Eat Pizza watch this instead:
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