Oct 19, 2016

Brain Bleach Foreverrrr! EQG 4 the rantview!

My Little Loli: Jailbait is Magic now with Even Less Pony is on Netflix... Must watch it since it's almost a tradition here at the House of Rants... So, crack open your can of poison...(beer, rum, sake, etc.) and let's get it on with Twilight and Friends. Not in that way, you perv... but in That case, Human Twi is better than Pony Twi...
Dammit! I haven't even started and I already sound like a perv... Spike! play the freaking movie. Also, Unlike Trix, this review ain't for kids!! (im)Mature humor and stuff. There's your Tigger Warning!

We start in Twilight's bedroom... great, now I'm some sort of weird creep who spies on fictional teenagers' bedrooms.
So Twilight is having a nightmare and the Hu-Mane 6 (Cause Sunset Shimmer is now part of the gang and Hu-Twi is the newbie, making it the Mane-7...) come to wake her up... cause they are going to camp...

They help Twilight pack and set her up for camp.  But she-Demon Twilight, now called Midnight Sparkle attacks and deletes everyone... Tara Strong's villain voice is so sexy!  She tries to grope Twilight... No, not in a Trump-like manner... that only happens when involving Rule 34. Boom, Twilight's on the bus to camp! Sunset suspects something's wrong with Twi, but Pinkie decides to distract everybody with her Marshmallowy exposition! Celestia goes on a Principal speech about the trip to camp... Luna helps!
and we break into song... gotta pad the movie to reach 73 minutes! Luckily it's just the intro... Oh look! they had pony on the title... let's see if we even SEE ONE on the movie. Fluttershy wants to see the animals and Applejack wants to Bear Grylls it. Then RD poops that party.
Rarity, well wants to wahaha it. Pinkie comments on the past 2 movies and calls BOTH Twilight and Sunset demons.
Applejack wants to get away from the Magic... We know that ain't gonna happen, bub! (not intended as a jab towards Canada, eh? OK, the eh, was a playful nod.)

Flash Sentry makes a fool of himself. Sunset Shimmer had to explain the awkward Flash Sentry to Twilight... wait... Whatever happened to the Sunset Shimmer of the Human world?

We meet the hippie camp counselors. six minutes in and I'm praying for Mama Voorhees to cull the population ASAP! Holy ass crackers! we have Human Bulk Biceps!

Rarity what the F, man? a Fashion Show on a Summer Camp near a lake!? That begs for some Supernatural stuff to happen and you heard the Silly Apple girl. No Magic!

Oh no... Male Camp Counselor made Twilight blush... Bronies of the world! We must unite to take down that hippie and we may have to work with that dipstick Flash Sentry...
Shut the Hell up, Principal Sunbutt! You already went to camp, based on the artwork some Twenty something years ago. Luna probably did so too... (Guessing Luna's like 30 and Celestia is 33.)
So, thanks to Sunbutt, the campers have to make a gift for the camp. Oh THERE'S Derpy!

Wait, did we just have a small spat between Sunbutt and MOONBUTT!

Wait, isn't that a bit creepy? The male camp counselor being in charge of the girls and the female camp counselor being in charge of the boys... Also, Snip and Snails are at camp but not the CMC? Now we know that Granny Smith plays favorites... back on topic, we know that dude wants to give Twilight the D...
Twilight begins acting like a...
NEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRD!!! and hippie dude is playing the nerd card to get inside Twilight's granny panties... She's like super nerdy and is not thong material like Rarity...

It's official, Hippie must die! where's that dickhole Flash Sentry when you need him?
Wait, Human Filthy Rich is the villain? But Pony Filthy Rich is one of the nicest ponies ever!?  He's acting very Trump-like... or Norman Osborn-like.
Sirens, Demons, now Businessman? New Low EQG...
Filthy Rich better ride a Glider and toss Pumpkin bombs
by the end of the movie...

Applejack would be good at CinemaSins...

Sunset Shimmer  is best Pony turned human... She also has everything figured out. Except the Twilight making everything float part.

Sunset Shimmer has unlocked Tactile Telepathy!
She now suspects Ms.Camp Counselor...

Fluttershy has Snow White Animal summoning powers...
Damn that crappy dock helping that Hippie Douche put the moves on Twilight!  Flash, fight him, dammit! Dammit, Sunset, get him to fight for Twi, not get over her!
Applejack decides to build a new dock. But why are Teenagers constructing a Dock. Are they Professional Builders? I'm pretty sure that a Dock is not something that the average teen can do.

Wait, did Rainbow Dash just dashed like Barry?

Also, Pinkie gets excited about everything... Like the CrazyRussianHacker...
Applejack is wielding Mjolnir.

Hippie dude is using the lamest pick up lines in the world... and they're working!?

Smores and Scary Stories... Finally a Camp Activity that doesn't sound like Slave Labor.

Rarity sucks at horror stories... that's almost as bad as aliens that come out of your butthole. Hippie dude gives us exposition disguised as a horror story.

OK, something is going on with Ms. Hippie counselor. She's totally gonna rape Snips and Snails...
Everyone loves to crap on Twilght and Sunset... it's all Jafar's fault...

Twilight still dreams of her Satsui no Hadou self. Drooling Kung Fu Sunset Shimmer is Adorbs... but she's no match for unconsciously levitating stuff Twilight. Wait did Twilight just try to kill Derpy!?

Ah, Trixie, Trixie, Trixie... you remind me of what a Daughter of Keldor would look like... (Mandatory MLP/200X MOTU VA reference.) Oh look, Edward Cullen spilled his seed on the lake!

Twilight runs into the woods to sing!? About the Satsui no Hadou? (kinda makes me want a Ponified Midnight Sparkle)

Hippie douche finds her and is inching his way to Twilight's maidenhood. Sunset, stop them! no, don't  encourage them!

Why is Celestia acting as camp counselor? Could it be because the camp counselor was trying to uncover Twilight's most precious secret? Bad Celestia... leaving a student unattended with a creepy camp counselor who is clearly abusing his position in order to bust the backroom of a camper... Guy totally looks like he's into ATM or thw Alabama Hot Pocket.

There's an Earthquake and some Cullen Chowder on the grass.

Applejack has Super Strength now.

Rarity unlocked Gem themed Forcefields. Think Green Pedophile, but Gem themed...

Now she got Applejack wet and Celestia's all What is going on!?
Twilight is beating herself up for this.

Pinkie Pie is now a non-Cajun Gambit!

and Fluttershy is the Aquaman of the Hu-Mane7... She can talk to animals... The Beastmistress!
OK, so where is Dashie? She's totally The Flash Now... If they don't start fighting crime with these powers, I'm gonna be pissed off!

Derpy speaks! Derpy speaks! (yah , it's  a reference to Martha speaks, who is voiced by Derpy's VA... and I need to trigger Batman.)

I hate that Hippie douche more than Flash Sentry...
At least Human Pinkie is freaking hilarious!

Twilight decides to run away from camp...  but Sunset caught her. They share a little bonding on thwir Satsui no Hadou days. Hippie dude was running around the forest with an ax like a serial killer.

Wait, HE is the one who leaves the Sparkly residue... No, Twilight! Run! He's a Poison Fairy!

wait, this whole Mystery about Gaea Everfree is starting to sound a lot like Scooby Doo... They even have the talking dog.

Need to get a GIF maker...
The rest of the Hu-Mane7 work on the dock WITHOUT using their powers... I mean it's not like everyone at camp KNOW that they are Super Powered Teenage Girls that turn into Horse-Human Hybrids to battle demons and stuff. Also, RD shows us how she'd give the world's most unenthusiastic Handy...

Really, knowing Pinkie is practically a Pink Gambit and you let her hold the nails!? Now there's a part of me that wonders what would have happened if her LeBeau Powers had kicked in...

Sunset explains her tactile Telepathy to the Hu-Mane6 and I swore I heard Hundreds of cloppers saying: "Sunset, we have a few memories that you can touch RIGHT HERE!"

Pinkie goes first and...
Pinkie Pie is Mad Creepy... Seriously, I know it's made to look like she's in an innocent world of candy and stuff, but she LITERALLY BREAKS OFF A CHUNK OF A LIVING AND SENTIENT BEING AND EATS IT RIGHT THERE!! Now Sunset... I kinda miss Supreme Mega Bitch Sunset... begins to sing and convinces them to abuse their powers. Also, the song changes a bit drastically if you think Magic is an euphemism...
Unlike Twilight, Rarity tries to save Derpy.
Also, Sunset is trying to seduce Fluttershy... and find Twilight... but she gets distracted by the squabbling Hippies.

Flash Dickhole and Sunset Shimmer make a nice couple... No, Derpy! Step away from the dickhole!

Sunset chased the Hippie into the woods where something glowed inside a cave... Dun dun dunnnnn! *eagle caws*
Sunset texted Twilight and sent her to the quarry. There they see the eerie glowing cave... Full of Equestrian Magic... and I ain't talking about no horse penis here. Nope... it was Ms. Hippie all along! She got powers from a magic set of crystals and has been Poison Ivying it... It was she who tried to Murder Derpy!! Kill the witch!!
wait... she's tying Sunset and Twilight with vine tentacles... I like where this is going... She's turned into a Chrysalis/Poison Ivy She-Devil! (Wonder if that is her final form...)
To the Clop-cave, old chum!

Meanwhile, the rest of the cast are playing along with Rarity's delusion. I mean I saw a few references to Wilson!

How did Snips and Snails recognize Gloriosa?

Oh Pinkie Pie, you so random!

Gloriosa pulls a page out of Donald Trump's book and builds a wall around the camp. RD is pissed that the dock was ruined again.
Come on! Another song? Now the Hu-Mane6 decide to fight back and Pony up!
Of course they fail, because the whole team isn't together... like trying to form Voltron without the Torso.

Spike rescues Sunset and Twi, but Twilight is afraid of her magic. Sunset coaxes her into using her magic.

Rarity tries Diplomacy... She Yamcha'd it up.

Timber tries to convince his sister to stop and he fails... not as bad as Rarity, though.

Sunset Ponies up to convince Twilight... Don't think of clop... don't think of clop... dammit, Internet, you made me think about clop!

Twilight and Sunset rejoin with the Hu-Mane7.
Gloriosa's bush is getting wilder by the minute and the Hu-Mane7 have to fight back! Twilight struggles with the Satsui no Hadou... in a Dr. Strange Astral Battle against DoorMuuMuu. The rest of the team save Twilight and Friendship is Magic, Beeyotch!
Twilight forcibly trims Gloriosa's bush and steals her magic doohickies and they become the Human World counterpart of the Elements of Harmony... I think?
Then again, it also reminded me of...

Once again, the day is saved thanks to The Powerpuff Girls... the old ones, not the new ones.

The students rebuild camp, including the dock... again. Gloriosa apologizes to Celestia and Luna for no reason. She should be apologizing to her pony overlords... or overladies.

The Sorceress of Grayskull decides to save camp... The super Pony Girls decide to save the day again. Because no one but them can do it.
Also, Rarity loves balls... the dancing kind, you perv!

Song and Montage!? that's soo 80s!
Rariiack shipping overload!

Applejack LOVES to emasculate her classmates. Filthy Rich lost and did not become a Green Goblin knock-off... Movie, I am disappoint.

Dammit, Hippie douche! Stop hitting on Twilight! No, Twilight, don't fall for his smooth moves! Thanks Gloriosa, you're a great cockblocker, bronies will love you now!

Sunset wonders where the magic came from and we are shown the portal statue base having a crack where the Canterlot High Wondercolt statue was...

Zero ponies un this movie...

and Pinkie kills the dock... the end!

We're totally getting an Equestria Girls Five...
It was a bit better than EQG 3, but 2 is still the best.

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