Jul 12, 2017

The Neitlichverse has suffered a "Valpoint Paradox"

German fans from Planet Eternia have their Ultimates in hand. They have shown the new Bios on their Facebook page.
 You can read the Bios and see the new changes made "via Scrollos".

The new "Bios" are supposedly penned by Val Staples, hence the "Valpoint Paradox" title in the rant. It's a Quarter ass reboot to the Neitlichverse, but the Neitlichverse is still canon but most of the bad decisions by Neitlich are undone... Merman still dies by Mermista's hand, Orko commits genocide, Castle Grayskull is destroyed, Skeletor is killed by He-Man and is revived as a Zombie by Despara then killed again.

I'm not sure if these continued adventures of the characters are wholly a Val thing, or if there are remnants of Netilich's atrocious writing... (face it Scott, you're righting is as awe full as E.L. James. type-O's are on porpoise) But Man, Val (or whoever wrote this) tried to Outneitlich, the Superkami Toyguru himself...

Let's do He-Man's bio:
The first part of the bio is a description of the character... The important part is where the Classics Story Continues:
OK He-Man, She-Ra, Dare, and Teela are the big bosses of Eternia. They have adventures, meet allies and enemies (all with their copyright or trademark symbols, cause Bios) Then Keldor returns... After dying by He-Man, returning as Zombie Skeletor and decapitated. Keldor recovered from Decapitation. Then Keldor tells He-Man that Castle Grayskull must be rebuilt. The Spirit of He-Ro tells He-Man that it can only be done if the twins surrender the power. Then they drained the Trollan Grayskull, the Central Tower in order to recreate the Castle. All this was a ploy for Keldor to take the power unto himself. Adam transformed into He-Man, became young once again and defeated Keldor...

Let's see what's wrong here: How does one recover from decapitation (I guess Keep Reading the Bios is an appropriate answer here)? Then having all the power from powerful places across dimensions (Trolla is NOT on the same dimension as Eternia) consolidated under one place is a dumb idea... Especially when Skeletor is the one giving you the idea. Why Keep Dare around when you have a rejuvenated He-Man? Seriously, this is as convoluted and nonsensical as the Neitlichverse. But I have 4 more bios to go through..




 Now it's Faker's Turn...
at a glance this one doesn't seem too bad...
A little of He-Man's essence got into Faker... (not in that way, you pervs!) and now Faker has feelings and emotions. He also got as strong as He-Man. He saved Dare from an assassination and purged all his feelings except anger. He fought Anti-He-Man AND He-Man before ending up in Anti-Eternia and becoming a slave for Anti-He-Man until he can return to serve Skeletor.

Unless we're looking at time like a Time Lord then his bio makes no sense... So Faker was acting like He-Man while He-Man was in space? He stopped the assassination of Dare because he had a bit of good in him, but he later fights Anti-He-Man and He-Man. Were all of them rejuvenated? Or was Anti-He-Man old and He-Man wasn't? But if time progresses in Anti-Eternia just like Eternia, doesn't that mean that Anti-He-Man has an Anti-Dare and there's an Anti-Skeleteen as well?

Let's take on Skeletor before I decide to facedesk!

OK, Z-Skeletor was decapitated and Skelcons took him to a temple (Skelcons have organized religion?) Skeleteen finds the corpse of his father and takes it to the cave where his grandma (Keldor's mom, Saryn) was slain... Forbidden ritual with Havoc Staff and the blood of Saryn that apparently it still gushes allows Keldor to be revived from zombified decapitation...

Keldor tricks He-Man into rebuilding Grayskull, but he is stopped by He-Man and the "reawakened" Heroic warriors... then Keldor disfigures his face to look like Skeletor again...

Again, overcomplicating things instead of tossing the Neitlich crap this makes things worse... Saryn is bleeding out for eternity and can be used as a Phoenix down for Skeletor. Revived Heroic Warriors. We now have Clamp Champ as MAA, A Robot with a Duncan AI as a MAA, now add Duncan himself as MAA...


Oh my Celestia I still have Teela and Ram Man to go!
So, Teela... She has to raise Dare as Sorceress of Grayskull... She made a Council of Elders using Spellcasters. She had The Goddess train Dare (if her exploding crotch allows it) She became unemployed as Guardian of Grayskull when Scott Neitlich blew it up... After that she did jack squat!

Why is everyone with Adventures post the Neitlichverse but Teela gets nothing?


Let's just deal with Ram Man...

Ram Man has some adventures, Copyright signs get tossed around, gets a Sidekick, we get Gossip about Ram Man fighting two amputees over Lady Edwina. Battle Cat asks Ram Man to go on an adventure...
IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!! and Ram Man changes tunics. After the Adventure he finds out about the Third Ultimate Battleground and the Destruction and Restoration of Castle Grayskull... So he meets the young again He-Man.

That RanMan 2 better not be Stanlan... also, seriously, Ram Man beat 2 Amputees for that Skank's sake? Really? Also, IN SPAAAAAAAAACE!! is a lazy trope.

There's not much I can say about this that I haven't commented above. If Val truly wrote these, I feel bad for him. He really is not as good of a writer to pull off something that would remove the foul aftertaste of the Neitlichverse. I know of him as a really good colorist, not as a writer.

The problems with these bios are similar to the Neitlichverse ones, where a lot of stuff was crammed into a small space. Sure the space is bigger here, but it still feels as if they are trying to put a story far too big for this medium. Instead of doing a well deserved full reboot, the Neitlichverse was kept intact but using bad McGuffins to "Fix the bad parts". Last time I saw a Quarter Assed Reboot this bad, Peter Parker sold his Marriage to the Devil.

Again, this is not an attack on Val or whoever wrote this. This is just a colorful reaction from a fan. We needed a full reboot, or at least having the bios be only the Top half. It makes me a bit afraid of the Classics when they get their bios...  Now if my shipping confirmation would arrive sooner...







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