Jun 13, 2014

The Room: The Rant

Finally, I did it... I caved in and re-watched The Room. I had watched
it once in the last decade, about 9-10 years ago. I was in college and 
many of my pals from that era were film students. They were into the 
indy movie scene. Somehow, I ended up with a group and saw The Room in 
a classroom. I didn't see the whole thing because I had to leave 
halfway through the movie (I had an Italian Test that Friday.) Now, I 
got a copy of the movie from a different friend and I'm ready to 
rantview it...

Yes, I'm aware that other folks have reviewed this movie and are 
better at expressing the issues with it. So, here is The Room: the 

This is a Horrible Movie. It's awful, but the silver lining is the 
Music. Seriously, take a listen to the Title Theme. It has some bits 
that Remind me of The Legend of Zelda.

So, here's the thing. This is a Tommy Wiseau Film... Remember him with 
his ridiculous and tacky Memorial Day commercial? Well, the Tommy 
Wiseau in this movie is not the Self-Deprecating Tommy Wiseau. This 
Tommy Wiseau is directing a serious movie that he wrote, produced, and 
starred in. There will be spoilers!!

Wiseau stars as Johnny, a abnker who sees his world fall apart as life 
deals him some really crappy hands. So he arrives to his home where 
his girlfriend Lisa awaits. Some really awkward interactions lead to 
Lisa wearing a red dress that Johnny brought her. In pops in Denny... 
Some kid that hangs out at Johnny's for no real reason and cannot take 
a very obvious hint for him to get lost. (because upcoming sex scene.)
Wait, I get it... Denny KNOWS that sex will happen and he is ACTIVELY 
trying to cock-block Johnny.

Upcoming Sex Scene Resumes... They Foreplayed all the way into the 
night... or Horrible editing. The sex in this scene is horrible. It's 
so bad that it should be used in schools in order to teach 
abstinence!! Also, nude Tommy Wiseau helps. He kinda looks like a Wax 
Museum replica of Tommy Wiseau on a moderately warm room. Warm enough 
for the wax to start to melt, but not hot enough for it to fully melt.

Johnny leaves to work and Lisa's mother shows up. She talks to Lisa 
and tries to keep Lisa engaged to Johnny because of Money. Lisa 
doesn't love Johnny and finds him boring. What I find boring is the 
bad exposition given by Lisa's mom. She now leaves. Seriously, she 
came in for exposition and left immediately.

Lisa calls Johnny's friend, Mark... who is busy sitting on a car doing 
stuff. Mark is a bit stupid or dense. Mark shows up at Johnny's and 
Lisa throws herself at him, but he is TOTALLY CLUELESS. 

Mark FINALLY catches a drift of what's going on and tries to stop 
Lisa... He fails miserably and ends up having awkward and 
uncomfortable stair sex with Lisa. So much for not having sex with his 
Best Friend's Girlfriend.
"Why did you do this to me? Why?" Really? DUDE!! You could have walked 
away and not have sex with your best friend's girlfriend! You need at 
least two people to have sex! It's a good thing that Mark is vowing to 
not have... OH COME ON!!

OK, Infamous Scene coming up!
 I'll let the actual scene do the talking.
Lisa orders pizza half bacon and pineapple half pesto and artichoke, 
light on the cheese... Creeper Denny shows up!
That kid is a Sexual Harrassment PSA Creeper on two legs... and he 
leaves after sexually harrassing Lisa.

Johnny FINALLY arrives home with the flowers and he gets bummed after 
Lisa asks about his promotion.
Look Lady, If you ask him: "Did you get your promotion?" and he 
replies: "Naaaaah!" I'm pretty sure the answer is NO!!
Now, if you already ordered the Pizza, why ask him!? What would you 
have done if he had said: "Naaah! I'm in a mood for Tacos!"
So, non-drinker Johnny gets pressured into drinking and where the hell 
did the pizza come from!? I know she ordered it before Johnny came in, 
but she went to the kitchen to get the vodka and Presto! The Pizza 
arrived!? I am starting to doubt the verisimilitude of this story. 

Seriously, Lisa says: "If you want me, you'll drink it!!" What the 
Hell is Johnny a 14-year-old socially awkward geek trying to impress 
the head cheerleader!? You know they are drunk because Lisa is wearing 
Johnny's Tie as a bandanna and he says he's wasted. Lisa takes 
advantage of the drunken Johnny and Awkward Sex Scene strikes back... 
Wait, Wiseau went Filmation and Reused the past Sex Scene.
Lisa invites her Mother for a surprise party for Johnny. So, she 
quickly decides to go Bad News Barrett on her daughter, because she 
definitely has breast cancer... Lisa decides to one-up her mother by 
lying about him getting drunk and hitting her. Her mother's reaction? 
"Johnny doesn't drink!" Seems that Lisa's mom is a sort of Gold Digger 
worried about his money and stuff. I mean, she's not worried about her 
"Future son-in-law" hitting her daughter. She's more worried about her 
financial safety.

OK, What the Hell!? No one locks the Door to Johnny's house. So does 
everyone in San Fransisco come in here as they please? Two folks went 
into his house to have sex. Guess what happens next:

a)Long awkward scene of awkward sex on Johnny's couch

b)They leave discretely and no one finds out what happened there.

c)Lisa and her mom show up catching them kinda in the middle of 
awkward sex

d)Denny shows up hoping to have sex with Lisa
The Correct answer is C... Lisa's mom goes Meta and asks what are 
these characters doing in here!? *I'm asking the same thing myself.

I WAS KIDDING ABOUT DENNY SHOWING UP!! So, Denny meets the woman he 
hopes to have as a Mother-in-law. Lisa's mom also asks exactly what 
I'm thinking. So Denny wanted some "Sugar" (could be sex with Lisa, 
could be cocaine, or it could be actual sugar) OK, it's actual sugar. 

He needs Flour and half a stick of butter... He leaves without the 
items (and terrified of Lisa's Mom) We find out that Creepy Denny is 
the Dick Grayson to Johnny's Bruce Wayne. Awkward Candy Sexer forgot 
his boxers and got caught BADLY!! Seriously, the people in this movie 
just come and go randomly...

Some dude is threatening Denny on the roof. Chris R the Drug Dealer! 
The dude has a gun and is threatening Denny, but Johnny and Mark come 
to the rescue. Lisa and her mom show up on the roof and begin to 
chastise Denny. Johnny and Mark magically appear, I'm confused!

So, Mark is on his bedroom and Lisa is on the phone...
I swear, the characters are just as confused as I am!

Another infamous scene comes up!

What a story Mark! Poor Johnny, he doesn't realize that Lisa is 
sleeping with Mark! Denny shows up again, but this time is to talk 
with Johnny. Denny is in love with Lisa, but Johnny takes it lightly. 

He actually gives Denny a nice piece of advice!
Now Denny loves some girl named Elizabeth... didn't he declare his 
love for Lisa a few seconds ago!? "Let's go eat huh!"

Lisa is going again with the "Drunk Johnny" Routine. This time the 
person she told is her friend. I think it's the one who was having sex 
with Boxers dude. She is shocked that Johnny hits Lisa, but is more 
shocked that Lisa won't marry Johnny. Lisa's friend makes some 
foreshadowing statements... OoOoOoh! 

Infamous Scene Warning... YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!! Pblgh WHAT 

Johnny and Boxer Guy discuss the whole Boxer Guy scene on a background 
straight out of Final Fight or Streets of Rage. Johnny is pretty laid 
back about two people entering his place and having sex on his couch!
Denny shows up with a football. They play catch before Mark shows up. 
Mark knocks Boxer Guy and takes him home.

Lisa's mom and Lisa have their usual discussion. Johnny's money. I gotta say
Lisa's mom has some huge brass balls. A friend of hers needs money for 
a down payment for a house and Johnny is not too keen on the idea. Lisa 
goes with the "I don't Love Him" routine and her mother leaves. Johnny 
will Record EVERYTHING!!! 

Some other dude (Peter) shows up and Johnny tells him about his 
suspicions regarding Lisa's unfaithfulness. "Oh Hai Mark!" They 
vaguely discuss women and Johnny is worried if Lisa's going to marry 
him or not. Wait, didn't you say that she was unfaithful a minute ago?
Johnny tells Mark, Peter and (us) the story of how he met Lisa. Speak 
of the She-Devil, Lisa appears... with Denny. Lisa flirts with Mark 
and Denny stares awkwardly.

Peter and Mark hang out on the roof until Mark tries to Kill 
Peter.Wait, I thought weed mellowed you out! Oh my gosh! The lines are 
so horrible! "Why do you want to know my secret!? You're right, it's 

They get their Tuxedos and they go and play catch... Which makes no 
sense in the real world... It doesn't even make sense in the movie, 
but they do it anyway. I think the actor playing Peter quit in that 
scene and Wiseau kept it.

Another infamous scene coming up!
They promise to jog together and Johnny leaves...

Mark and Lisa have awkward sex one more tme. I guess Tommy Wiseau gets 
off with awkward sex on Johnny's bed. Next day it's Jogging/Playing 
catch with Johnny on the Park.

Mark returns to see Lisa and she tries to have sex with Mark but Mark 
(thankfully) gets cock-blocked by Michelle (Boxer Guy's girlfriend) 
who seems to have subtly proposed for a threesome and Mark leaves.
Lisa's bitch level is over 9000!!!

Johnny and Mark are jogging again... The point of this scene was???

Johnny leaves to work and bumps with Lisa's mom. We get another "I 
don't love Johnny" speech from Lisa and a "You should Marry Johnny" 
speech from her mom. This is making Kojima's messages look subtle. 
Lisa's mom drops another bomb. This one is even bigger than the Cancer 
Bomb that went nowhere. She married Lisa's father for the money, not 
for love.

Johnny gets a Surprise Birthday Party. Peter is not there because the 
actor quit. We get a rather long shot of San Fransisco as nate as a 
transition shot for no reason at all. Boxer guy and Michelle begin 
foreplay but Lisa cock-blocks them. She then sneds everyone except 

Mark outside. She begins to make out with Mark but some dude comes in.

Random dude does Foreshadowing...

While everyone is outside, Johnny drops the bomb that they are 
expecting (which is a lie from Lisa). Random dude and Boxer Guy's 
girlfriend try to make her tell the truth, because they're worried 
about Johnny. So, Lisa shoves everyone back in.
Lisa slaps Mark then it's Blanka vs Ken!

I mean Johnny vs Mark... Now one scene later it's ROUND TWO, FIGHT!!
"I Fed up with dis worl!"

Lisa and her mother have one more chat and Claudette leaves.
Lisa and Johnny argue through the door. Wiseau delivers one hell of a 

She quickly calls Mark and they agree to meet up at Mark's. Finally 

Johnny comes out and brings up THE TAPE!! to hear the exact 
conversation we just heard. Lisa decides to leave Johnny. This leads 
to a Wiseau Tantrum with Flashbacks to make the transformation into 
the Incoherent Hulk more powerful. He finds the red dress from the 
beginning of the movie and humps it before tearing it up. Wait... 

Isn't that Chris R's gun!? Why does he have that!? Didn't they go with 
it and Chris R to the Police station!? That gun would be "Evidence" of 
a crime or something.

Johnny commits suicide. Mark and Lisa find the corpse. She asks him: 
"is he dead?" No, you dumbass, that pool of blood and brain matter is 
just corn syrup and Jell-O!! Mark leaves Lisa and blames her 
(rightfully) for Johnny's death.
Denny comes in and is shocked by Johnny's death. The End!

So, my thoughts on the movie... I mentioned that it's bad. I blame the writing. The notion that there are characters that come and go for no real reason, aside exposition, reeks of the script originally being written for a play. Notice how when there's more than two or three characters in a scene, there is always an excuse for the additional characters to leave. Like say, Boxer Guy and his girlfriend when Claudette and Lisa show up, or Johnny, Mark and Chris R when Claudette and Lisa show up.
then there's the overuse of Johnny's living room as a setting. I'm guessing this play was written with a very minimalist background in mind. Perhaps 2-3 props to refer to a change of location. The idea that it was written for stage could explain the weird concept of "football" that Wiseau has in the movie.

The movie is trying to give us a slice of life story, but this brings up too many unresolved plotlines or branches in the story. At the same time SOME of the characters/plotlines seem a bit too contrived to be a naturalistic story. (Most of the Denny plot elements come to mind.)

A LOT of the dialogue seems horrible and unnatural. (Made a lot worse by Tommy Wiseau's Weird accent and acting.) Just take another look at the Oh hai Doggy! clip up there!

It's badly written and even looking at it as a play, it has awkward pacing and it would require a MASSIVE REWRITE for it to work as a play or as a movie. It feels like a bunch of exercises from acting and directing classes put together in order to tell a story.
 The idea of a naive man's world falling apart from the betrayal of those who are closest to him IS one hell of a story... When told correctly, wehich this movie does not. Wiseau now claims that this movie is a "Dark Comedy", it is nawwt! He's trying to save face with the "Dark Comedy" when in reality he should accept that he made a horrible movie and try to improve himself. 

Do I Recommend this HORRIBLE movie?

YES! You need to see it at least once so you can know Unintentionally awful. There are parodies that are made awful on purpose (Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc.) Then there's The Room. If you have seen it, you don't need to torture yourself. If I were to rate it on a scale of 1-10 where 1 is bad and 10 is good, I'd say a 2.5 (mostly because of the music. If it wasn't for the music this would get a 0.5) 


  1. You are tearing me apart, Nefty!!

    1. Oh Hai Barbecue17! If I could LIKE comments, I'd like the heck out of this!