I found a $5 today... I went to the Matinee screening of Jem and the Holograms. I did it all for you, my faithful readers. Sadly, I cannot do a Play by Play for this one, because it would involve giving MORE MONEY to it... and me sitting through it again...
A Little Disclaimer before I begin: The movie, from a technical point of view is NOT THAT BAD... It's passable. As a JEM Movie... Well, it sucks ass! Let's begin with what they got wrong:
The story is NOT JEM. Let's see how I can tell you how this story goes:
Take Transformers and Never Say Never, now force those movies to have sex.
Have their offspring have sex with Hannah Montana.
Have Pitch Perfect and The Goonies have sex. Once their offspring matures, let it have sex with the offspring of Hannah Montana and the combination of Never Say Never and Transformers.
This Final Offspring should have sex with the Zack Attack Episode from Saved By The Bell...
The Result would be JEM and the Holograms...
So, Jerrica is like, shy and mopey. She lives with he Sister Kimber, her Auntie Molly Ringwald, her two adopted kids (Shana and Aja)... Molly Ringwald's not Jerrica's. They do Teen Girl Stuff, but they totally practice a lot of singing and playing instruments as if they were a band for no reason whatsoever. They raid Molly Ringwald's garage, take a few jabs at Jem and the 80s... and they force Shy Jerrica... (I mean she's so shy that the Fluttershy is Flutteroutgoing next to Jerrica) into wearing a Jem wig and actually LOOK LIKE JEM... The only time it happens in the movie.
She refuses to sing and is SAVED BY THE BELL... to receive an eviction notice. This bums everyone out and Jerrica vents her frustrations in song, as Jem. Being Technologically impaired she doesn't delete the video and Scumbag Kimber uploads it to Youtube. Jem is now the New Bieber.
Now Jender Swapped (see what I did there?) Eric Raymond tries to recruit Jem into Starlight music.
Jem accepts with the condition that she "needs her band" (which is contrived seeing that the video that made Jem famous was a Jem SOLO). Raymond accepts and the girls go to LA... Jerrica takes a BB-8-wannabe Paperweight "Synergy" and once it reaches LA, it becomes "alive" and puts the girls through a lame Scavenger hunt. Something Something Rio, no Longer Pacheco, now Raymond kinda bonds with the girls. We get glimpses of Jerrica's dad through Synergy and he is a TOTAL DICK towards Kimber. Everything is Jerrica this, Jerrica that. The girls play at a mostly empty venue, but using some camera tricks to make it look fuller (and not working too well).
Eventually FemEric tricks Jerrica into becoming a Solo artist and the girls get pissed at her. CRYING, MANUFACTURED EMOTIONAL DRAMA THAT COULD HAVE BEEN SOLVED EASILY, BUT WASN'T BECAUSE MOVIE NEEDED a 2-hour run-time! (In one of the Flashbacks 10-years ago, the younger version of the girls were playing with a Luna or Princess Twilight Sparkle doll... Which is impossible, btw.) the Girls make up and they begin a zany Infiltration Mission to recover Jerrica's earrings at Starlight Music... (They were put in a safe in a very contrived way) They get away by pulling a Hannah Montana and Jem has her final concert because the movie ends with Rio being the Owner of Starlight Music. Erica is fired and in the end credits scene we get the Misfits. (with Ke$ha using the misfits' lyrics from the intro while talking... Another Cringeworthy moment.)
Jender Swapping Eric Raymond: While Juliette Lewis was AMAZING as Eric Raymond with a sandy vagina, the movie people missed one important thing... Jem is about empowering girls, this movie did the complete opposite. RIO overcame the EVIL MOTHER. Jerrica triumphing over the Misogynistic Eric Raymond is more fitting to the Girl Power Theme.
Cheap Ass Transitions: OK, so the movie was made with a SUPER LOW Budget, I mean $5 Million for a "Superhero Chick Flick" is NOTHING!! BUT, using GOOGLE MAPS to transition between locations and YOUTUBE VIDEOS to transition between scenes, That's beyond cheap!
Respect to the source Material: They got this all wrong and I touched upon it on the movie plot summary.
Jem and the Holograms... You KINDA NEED Actual Holograms for the Title to make sense.
The Rio Triangle was needed. Part of Jerrica's struggle involves Jem overshadowing certain aspects of her life. (TBH this is a problem created BY Jerrica herself)
Jem being a SECRET ID was important.
Tricking the fandom:
Blum, Chu and Braun tricked the Fandom into supplying them FREE Material to use on this film. These sickos used the fandom's love for the real JEM to help the story of Fake Jem... People talking about their love of JEM was edited to make it seem as if they were talking about Fake Jem and not the 80s property.
What they got right: Most of the cast. In SOME moments, I believed them to be the characters, then the movie would do something to remind me that this isn't really JEM.
Cameos from Christy Marx and Samantha Newark. They WERE Nice.
I went to see it on a room with 124 seats in total. Only 6 butts were on those. 2 Left mid movie disgusted, 2 (a much older couple) did not stay for the end credits scene. The lady that remained was even MORE Outraged than I was.
I feel dirty for having contributed money to this movie that is an abysmal failure AS A JEM movie.
It made me liek The Room a bit more...