Oct 1, 2015

I want my mommy!

Unfortunately, this will be the one thing I'll never be able to achieve unless Time Travel becomes a reality. Right now, my second worst case scenario has come true. It feels like my soul has been torn to pieces, lit on fire, doused with gasoline and shards of glass while dried with sandpaper. The worst feeling that a son could ever feel is what I am feeling right now.

Right now a combination or Fury, Fear, Pain, and Sorrow are what dwell in my heart. This is not easy to deal with. I mean, my mom has died and that Asshat George R.R. Martin hasn't finished A Song Of Ice And Fire... I need to... *ahem* Let it Go and not bottle up my feelings. Problem is that I don't know if I'm strong enough. This pain feels to strong. It doesn't help that I'm slightly below the Silver Haired Dude who overcompensates with his sword in Mama's Boy levels.

I am currently in a state of shock, seeing that I have not wept like crazy, which is the expected reaction. This assumption is based on how I cry over pretty much everything. I'm supposed to go through stages or something, but what I feel is a combination of feelings that want to come out versus the somewhat rational side trying to filter them out.

I wish I could be a bit positive, but due to some issues I cannot go into details of what went through and a bunch of stuff that I will most likely have to deal with a Medical Professional... I'm so messed up that I'm gonna need a LOT of HELP to pull through. The only reason why I AM EVEN POSTING THIS is because I cannot keep all of this bottled up inside. I should be sleeping, resting, recuperating in order to begin certain processes that are incredibly painful. I'm going to need a LOT of Strength  to move forward. I have no idea where I will pull it from, but I have to... If not for me, for my brother. Right now he's all I have left and I cannot give up on him.

I want my mommy! No, I NEED my Mommy! I know it sounds like the cries of a lost child, but right now, that is what I am. It doesn't matter how old I am, because the Factory that made me is no more.
Mom  will no longer talk, no longer laugh, cry...... or get angry...... What about us...... what are WE supposed to do? What about my pain? My fingers are tingling. My mouth is dry. My eyes are burning!

It's not fair... She was taken away from me! DAMMIT! Why was I forsaken? Why must I suffer? Why? Why? WHY!? I am an orphan... She didn't even get to become a grandmother and spoil her grandchildren!! She was taken too soon! Too frigging soon!

While some of you may be wondering WHY I'm posting my personal crap on the House of Rants, which has remained mostly impersonal, well... I have to rant about this Situation and I HAVE to vent some of the issues at hand; otherwise it would screw me over.


  1. Nefty, I'm so, so sorry to hear about this. I really and truly am heartbroken for you. The only thing I can do right now if pray for you and your family and encourage you to reach out and talk to anyone who might be able to help you. If you need to call a crisis line or speak with a caring person whether it is a therapist, doctor, or clergy, please do so. During times when we lose those people closest to us there's no reason not to reach out to others. It's a sign of strength to no when we've reached our limits. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

    1. It's still something very painful, but I am working things out with professionals to deal with this. I have to move on forward.