Aug 17, 2014

Expendables 3... meh.

Let me start with the Musical Tribute to The Expendables by Jon and Al Kaplan.

My first complaint about The Expendables 3 is the chorus of the Musical. PG-13... An Expendables movie with PG-13 rating is wrong... That's what we got here... a Pussified version of the Expendables... Very little blood, no over the top kills that would have made its 80s origins smile with glee. In fact, I find the action an INSULT to what the Expendables is supposed to be: A Tribute to the 80s action movies.

My second complaint is the waste of Talent: Jet Li... Less than 5 minutes of screen time and he doesn't even go Jet Li on bad guys. Wesley Snipes: Does a bit at the beginning, makes a Tax Evasion joke, then a few scenes at the final battle. Half of it he spent it playing dead. Terry Crews: MIA for plot reasons.
Anthony Flags was pretty much playing Donkey from Shrek but with a Spanish Accent. Before anyone reminds me that Antonio Banderas played Puss in Boots; I am aware of that.

My third complaint is related to references... There weren't that many. We had the Snipes Tax Evasion bit, a reference to Bruce Willis being out of the movie, a reference to Demolition Man, a long scene being set up so Ahnuld could say

The new kids got nothing on references... No jabs at Kellan Lutz's Sparkly Vampire past was unacceptable... This is a movie series where CHUCK NORRIS gets to make a reference to the INTERNET CHUCK NORRIS!!

The new kids were:
Nerd (hacker) who climbs because he needs to climb in the final battle
Boxer who shoots well (because the guy playing him is a boxer)
Sexist "Feminist Tough Girl" stereotype because she insults men by calling them Men in a very condescending manner played by a Female MMA fighter.
Sparkly Vampire who wants people to forget he is a Twilight.
That's all we need to know about them... and how much we should care about them... Heck! I cared more about Mr. Hunger Games dying in Expendables 2 than I did for the new kids in 3.

If I could describe this movie in one sentence I'd say: Expendables 3 is the SNES version of Mortal Kombat of the Expendables series.

Please, movie gods, allow for an R-Rated DVD cut for this film!! 
Don't bother with this watered down TV-Edit version of The Expendables. Rewatch 1 and 2 instead.

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