Nov 28, 2009

I removed the princess and the zone out of Twilight...

You unlock this door with the key of high school and vampire movie clichés. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of CW-esque Teen angst, a dimension of Vampires that sparkle on contact with the sun instead of burning to a crisp, a dimension of mindless fans. You're moving into a land of both shadow and little substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into the Twilight Zone... I mean Twilight Saga.

Yes I'm talking about Twilight. The Vampire love story by Stephenie Meyer that some people call her the J.K. Rowling of our Generation...

Seriously? The Harry Potter series isn't that old!

Now I'll post some excerpts from reviews that appear on the back of the book. (and my opinion about it...

"A New York Times Editor's choice." Ok so someone at the NYT likes Vampire/Highschool Dramas.

"An Amazon Best Book of the decade... So far" Really, Best Book of the Decade? I don't think so...

I read the book and there was no apple handholding... I felt ripped off.

(That image of the pale hands holding the apple makes it to the movie...)
They say never to judge a book by its cover, but... I'll let you judge.

The only REAL Apple reference in the book is this:

But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Genesis 2:17

A vampire story that starts off with a biblical reference... We've got a winner here... Random biblical references make everything awesome, deeper, and more philosophical... just look at half of the anime that comes to America.

The story is about this Teenage girl, (Isa)Bella Swan, who thinks that she is not popular and that she is different from every other teenage girl. (Gee I've never heard of this before... How about pretty much every teen movie!?) She moves from Phoenix Arizona to a Little Town in Washington called Forks. There she is the new kid in a small town High School. There she meets a student who happens to be a...


Girl falls in love with "vampire", "vampire" "struggles" with his nature and falls in love with her. Girl and "vampire" fight an "evil vampire" and go to prom... There is something about Werewolves, but that is for the sequel... That's pretty much Twilight in a nutshell.

Is it good? Is it bad? I'll just let the book speak for itself.

Excerpt from Page 89 (This is a whle after Bella was in an accident and Edward saved her life.)

After this scene (In the book it was better... but then again in the book things ARE always better...)

Without further ado the quote:

He chuckled. "What are your theories?"

I blushed. I had been vacillating during the last month between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker. There was no way I was going to own up on that.

Yay! Stephenie Meyer knows who Spider-Man and Batman are!! Bible references, Superhero references! This is the most super awesomest vampire/highschool love story ever!!!

But it seems as if I'm dodging the question. Maybe I am... maybe I'm not.

Alright, I'll answer it but before I can start You must see this video from the Motion Comic based on Stephenie Meyer, akaTwilight's Author.

I despise Mary Sue types in books. Guess who reeks of Mary Sue... I'll give you a hint, It rimes with smell a one! The story is told from Bella's point of view, but thankfully the book is easy to read. It feels a bit soapy, but High School Dramas tend to be soapy... The Vampire aspect would help a little if the vampires were more, I don't know VAMPIRELIKE!!

My vampires do not go sucking blood off-page. They do not sparkle like crystals in the sunlight, and THEY GET LAID!! (as vampires are a symbol of demonic possession, with undertones of sexuality, death, blood...) It's not AS bad as I expected, but it's nowhere close as being "best book of the year" much less "Best Book of the Decade so far..."

It's easy to read, I'll give it that. But at times it feels like I'm reading fan fiction. (This book shouldn't feel that way since the author who has a B.A. in English Literature...) I understand how teenage girls may find this book appealing. (the whole I'm different thing and falling for this special mega handsome dreamy older guy thing... Teenage girls swallow this up...I don't know why, but I find that creepy.)

I don't know, but I'd be kinda worried (if I was the parent of a Teenage girl) if she dreams of an older guy visiting her room at night so she can be safe. Especially if said guy is basically a symbol of hypersexuality... Also who the hell relives Highschool for nearly a hundred years!?

But then again these Twilight Vampires seem to not get laid... (on first book. I'll need to read the sequels to find out if they indeed do...)

So far this picture has more sex than the actual book. I'll post a Twilight Review Part II when I get to see the movie. (I need to know how much they butchered from the book in order to comment on the movie... I just hope that there is no Twilight videogame.)

If anyone knows what the Hell are they doing, please tell me... I don't want to make fun of Bella and Edward, but with these pictures is not hard to do... Is it me or does Bella look a lot paler than Edward...

Now the last unanswered Question, Team Jacob or Team Edward?

I'm not a teenage girl. I don't need to take sides, but If I were I'd put my money on Team Bella.

Let's recap the things we learned from Twilight:

-There are Vegetarian Vampires... (No they do not drink Honey and Tree sap. They drink non-human blood... That is just so damn funny!!! They don't drink human blood so they're vegetarians!!!)

-The Cullens enjoy reliving HighSchool again and again... Seriously? Going through Hischool once is a pain in the arse! But going at it over and over again, that's masochism.

-It's ok to watch highschool girls every move, even while they sleep. They like it.

-Edward is an almost 100 old virgin... who stalks Bella nearly 24/7.

-Vampires Sparkle!!!

In a scale of 1-5, 1 being waste of paper that Captain Planet should beat the crap out of the Author and 5 being the Next Shakespeare or Cervantes, twilight ranks a:


Why a two point five? I said it was easy to read, but at times it felt like fan fiction. The main character is an uninteresting Mary Sue type. It seems that Stephenie Meyer has no idea about what is a vampire. Most of the story is in a Q&A format. Sneaking in the title of the book a couple of times in the story is annoying. Whenever the word Twilight was mentioned in the story I stopped reading to giggle like an idiot and say "Oh! Oh! Oh! and there she snuck the title!!" (Yes I know that Twilight is the time in which the sun is hidden beneath the horizon yet there is some light on the sky.)

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