Action figures, Movies, Games, TV shows, things I like, Things I hate, weird news old or recent... they're fair game for my rants.
DISCLAIMER: OPINIONS POSTED ARE EXAGGERATED FOR COMEDIC EFFECT!! Got it?
Because ALL TOY LINES MUST END... and not last another year under a Rebranding or adding COLLECTOR'S CHOICE to the card... Since we are getting MOTUC CC and an inferior line based on the 80s cartoon, I have to review TRUE MOTUC's last year.
As Always I'll do the main club first, then the Extras:
Expensive, smaller, the stuff he came with is NOT HIS... Lack of Ab-Crunch, unposeable tail... He can't be posed too well. I had to steal a TMNT Accessory to make him into the Ezio Auditore of MOTU.
Bad things: Bow, Nunchucks...
Good things: Everything Else... How can you NOT LIKE This guy!? I bought 3 of him... 3! I can't believe it either!
Snake Armor He-Man vs King Hssss: B+
New Mattel Team Dropped the ball here when Neitlich left and forced us to pay Extra for the Snake Torso and pushing it back to 2016... It makes me wish Mattel had the budget figured out before showing us this SEXY, SEXY 2 Pack. Lack of Articulation on He-Man and the missing Snake Buck hurt this set a little bit. The Snake body being pushed to 2016 hurt the set a bit more. This one had the potential of being an Easy A...
The first Female Fan Choice Winner... The loser is coming in 2016...
I'm disappointed in her. She needed to be 20% cooler... She's just eh... She lacked some extras to make her pop.
Also she was made a False Exclusive, with Oo-Larr's axe being the justification for that.
Vintage Head, Alcalá Head... MORE NAKED HE-MAN!!! it's a mixed bag for me... I mean, the Vintage Head Repainted in Wun-Dar colors is cool. The Alcalá head on the He-Man body makes a nice Mini Comics He-Man... but at the end of the day it's a more naked He-Man...
The Queen of Derp Eye... Also she's short... I mean Glimmer looks Gigantic next to mommy dearest.
The Derp Eye and shortness make her a bit less cool...
Blast Attak: C-
Non-Removable Armor to showcase the Trooper Torso. No Removable Arms or Waist to have some sort of BLAST ATTACK... But he looks good. That's why he scored a bit higher.
Not bad from an Engineering POV, but he's TOO VINTAGE for my tastes... I had to break out paints and devintagize all I could... Now I need to find a head.
More Pieces than Modulok, a Lot less fun... From an engineering point he is better than Modulok, but his hodgepodge look makes him somewhat less fun. Then again. the hodgepodge look is straight vintage.
Her lack of color hurts her a bit and she looks a bit off. Her suffering from derp-eye (mine didn't, but many did) hurts her a bit more than I thought.
Mara of Primus:C
Lack of Articulation was what ruined this figure to many. How can a warrior-looking maiden be put in warrior poses if her legs prohibit said poses from happening? Buzz Saw Hordak:B
I can't believe that I actually LIKED this variant, after a few tweaks, of course. Now the base was rather solid, but the Excess of Hordaks looking all the same kinda ruins the excitement for him.
The thing that killed this figure from being an A+ figure was the lack of accessories... The recreation of the Vintage Sparks specifically.
Flying Fists He-Man vs Terror Claws Skeletor: B-
I have mixed opinions on this set. I wasn't a fan of them and Mattel managed to bungle up a few things: Too thick handle for the badly spinning ball mace, cheap power sword, Fat Armor on He-Man, lack of paint on the Terror claws, the tan on Skeletor... But I did manage to pull 2 positive things out of the set:
My Classicized Filmation He-Man.
A Better Looking King He-Man
I still haven't figured out what can I pull off For the Terror Claws Skeletor... Seeing that I'll most likely use the spare Mo-Larr vs Skeletor Set Skeletor that I have to put on the Terror Claws...
Maybe if I buy a Cast of a Hordak Armor I could make a Horde Apprentice Skeletor with the Darker Terror Claws body...
He Looks darker because of the Horde Influence or something...
He's not THAT Vintage Accurate and that has ticked off "Purists" I have to say that I like the Exhaust Crossbow a lot more than his vintage Crossbow. Other than that he's OK, I guess... Shame that they didn't go for a functional wheel on him.
He-Ro II aka Dare:B+
He has the Pre Filmation Power Sword... Not to mention a solid set of base parts. We can (dis)agree he's a wasted slot, but we cannot deny that as a figure he IS SOLID.
Laser Power He-Man vs. Laser Light Skeletor: D
Nostalgia Trap did a lot of damage to these guys with the bulky backpacks. Skeletor losing most of his arm articulation is ludicrous. He-Man's Armor falling off ALL THE TIME sucks, not to mention his inability to hold his sword. Sword falls, armor falls, anger ensues... Also Skeletor can't stand at all! Nice end pieces in Theory, but the execution was flawed as heck! Callix:A
I can't believe how cool this 10 second character is. Evil Seed:A+
Aside him only getting one true accessory, the Imprisoned ES Head would have been great to have...
He shines all over! All that fantastic new sculpts. The only disappointment is the Filmation scepter. Evil Seed could have used an extra plant construct weapon. Chooblah: C+
A bit disappointing that he only got a staff. Not even a second head to Army Build Kulataks...
Another victim of the one Accessory rule... I blame the Hoop Earrings of Scammer, but he looks so freaking sweet! He's pretty cool, though most of my love for him comes from being easily turned into a 200X Whiplash.
Queen Grayskull: B+
Seems that the False Exclusive dick move only applies to characters that have no dicks... So, Human Celestia, wife of Liquid Snake/Krellian/80sLeonardo/Simba(when Ferris Bueller is unavailable)/and many others... There is no much I can say about her, seeing that she's a Flashback character... Shawl can be tricky, stupid China 3D stamp and lack of bird form issues aside, she is a decent figure.
Ohohohohoho! His lamp lends itself to a ton of Funny Genie pics. His demonic look will make him a big contender on the shelf! Seriously he is THAT Cool!
(200X)Heads of Eternia:A
This was a nice set and wasn't as morbid as Neitlich's mysterious bosses who hate 200X would claim. It helped make some vintage looking characters look more favorable to my tastes. Now all I need is for some Shapeways Masters to do some 200X Weapons for Roboto and we're golden!
The stickers, huge price tag for so little did not help these guys a lot. They are OK, but the fact that they topple over so easily due to their lack of weight and borderline useless base kept hurting their score. Spirit of Grayskull:B-
The higher price and lack of removable cape and armor caused him to lose some points, but other than that he is pretty solid.
Point Dread with Talon Fighter ft. "Filmation Teela": C+
Mattel dropped the ball here big time. Bad molding on Teela's face and a poorly made Torso. The tweaks from prototype to final item harmed both the Playset and Teela. The only saving grace is The Talon Fighter that can seat up to 4 Figures (If you have a 4 girl squad). Having Teela "as a free bonus" is not a good thing based on their SDCC "promise", but at the same time the ability to have a spare Teela buck to slap the Snake Headdress head from the Original Teela helps her a bit. This set could have been a bit better... Had the Teela issues been fixed and if some smaller issues with the playset and vehicle had been made better.
I guess now that we covered MOTUC on its entirety, we can only say HOLY CRAP! That's one Hell of a line... Shame that it ended without finishing the Vintage lines, but it was one Hell of a ride!
Also, why did you showed up on the 26th when I had you scheduled for the 31st!?
I have to say: He totally LOOKS LIKE DOCTOR STRANGE!! This has brought my hopes up a little bit. Seeing that I was a bit miffed by the Ancient One being Tilda Swinton.
I will have to check out Doctor Strange now...
Seeing that Odin had an Artifact of Agamotto and now we have Strange... Will Odin and Strange cross paths? I mean there's a Thor RAGNAROK movie coming up... I know Banner/Hulk will be in it... Add a Strange and we could sorta have the Defenders... Submariner is in the 20th Century Fuchs hellhole, so replace Namor with Thor... I know this is a bit of a short rant, but seeing that 2015 is nearly over, I have to prepare for the big changes coming up in 2016... and eventually 2017 with III...
I am talking about Prahvus, the Untamed... Shoot! He can be a Miley Song too!?
Apparently he's some sort of Djinn so I guess here goes the Christina Aguilera song so I can get that reference out of the way:
He was a 200X Warlord who fought against Teela Na before Teela was born... He also looks a bit more like Baphomet than Goat man...
Let's Crack Him open and see what he's got! Articulation:
No Boot cut... DAMMIT MATTEL!! STOP REMOVING ARTICULATION! Brandon is starting to look like Ruben-Lite. His half-cape blocks the Right Arm. 3.5
Paint and Sculpt:
He's got some decent tampos for the Tats... Pray that he doesn't chip them off while posing/playing. Aside a small bit of slop on his gauntlet (BTW that right forearm could help getting a 200X He-Man Classicized. Add SA He-Man's head and Left Forearm and all we need is a new Harness and Removable belt for KG) He looks very 200X While looking like a MOTUC Figure. 5.0 Accessories:
He has a Club... A bit small but nifty club and The Lamp. 2.5 Overall:
Prhavus the Untamed gets a 3.67 as his Final Score. The Articulation and few Accessories. Let's face it he only has 1 weapon and a prop that is likely to be on another figure's hands to show that he is Prahvus' master. He feels a bit lacking in the accessory department. He needed an extra weapon or something... Other than that, this Figure IS AMAZEBALLS!!
Masters of the Universe Classics is Officially Over... Until Next Month's Rebranded Collector's Choice Line starts. Now we'll discuss the FINAL FIGURE IN CLASSICS LINE... One Figure that can be described by a Weird Al Yankovic song. I am of course talking about Ginger NA He-Man with Vykron Gloves and Furry Boots...
So, let's crack him open and see how much of a wasted slot he is or is not.
Seeing that he's on a Standard MOTUC Buck with no new Specialized parts that provide new Articulation, he's got Standard Articulation. The Reused NA Vest limits torso Articulation as much as NA He-Man when using the Full armor. He has an Articulated Ponytail... 4.5
Paint and sculpt:
In all fairness Dare is over 90% parts reuse. The new parts look a bit cool. I just wish that NA He-Man had gotten an Articulated Ponytail... I love the little details on the Blue Dare Harness, which looks way better than the NA Repaint Armor. 4.5 Accessories:
Holster with gun a la Adora and NA She-Ra, Alternative Armor... Alcala Power Sword which in my case will be Oo-Larr's. Notice the CHINA 3D stamp on the blade... 3.5
Overall: Dare gets a 4.17 as his final score. This is because, while he's unpopular, he's a pretty solid figure from an engineering point of view. I'm not too fond on how he was forced into the line, but he is a bit cooler than I expected...
If you want the NA Roleplaying sword you can get it here!
Tip: Get GITD Paint both white and green. Mix them up and paint a couple of layers (about 8-10) Paint the handle gold or any other color you prefer. The duller Antique gold suits NA He-Man better, while a Brighter gold can suit Dare better.
I better watch out! I better not cry! I better not pout, i'm telling you why!? Santa Scott is coming to town! And the Ho Ho Ho-liday Item is Finally here! The Infamous LASER VARIANTS OF HE-MAN AND SKELETOR!
What's this Movie Trailer doing here? Well, these two figures are AS CLOSE AS We'd get to "Official Movie Versions of He-Man and Skeletor" Well, Mostly He-Man... I mean LOOK AT HIM!
That Face is Kinda a mish mash between Vintage Toy He-Man and Dolph Lundgren. The outfit is pretty much Movie He-Man's in different colors and a different Harness and sword.
Skeletor is More like a bridge between Vintage and New Adventures...
I mean THESE ARE HE-MAN AND SKELETOR, I do not think I have to explain these guys anymore right?
Seeing that it's a two-pack I'll look at each figure Individually. This set also has comics written by Scott Neitlich... Tigger Warning! The Writing is Awful!
Really... Sword Aloft hands on the SECOND LEAST He-Man Looking He-Man? Dammit Mattel! We wanted a Traditional He-Man Looking He-Man with sword aloft hands... Also, is it me or are his boots highly restrictive? I'll need to point out that the Arm Armor limits He-Man's Articulation as well. 4.0 Paint and Sculpt: The Sculpt has a bunch of new parts:
(mainly head, armor, forearms, boots, loincloth.) and a few old ones. Luckily, the head is more Dolph based than the Alternate Vintage Head that the variant of this figure had. The Armor looks great even if it's more blueish than the vintage toy. One nitpick on the sculpt that I have (but this may be linked more towards design) is how the armor is attached to the body. They used C-Clips like the Shields instead of straps like Man-At Arms. Also, WHY IN CELESTIA'S NAME ARE THEY USING THESE GINORMOUS PACKS WHEN THE BATTERIES ARE SO SMALL? Mine had a small bit of paint flake off from the sword holder. 4.5
Power Sword Stuck to the backpack like a Proton Pack and we could count the Removable Arm Armor... Also, the sword falls off he-Man's hand a lot. 1.0
He-Man's Final Score is: 3.17 is what the Most Powerful Man of the Universe gets as his final score. I blame the uselessness
of his accessories... well ONE Accessory. Counting the armor that falls on its own is pushing it.
There you go, the simplest way to describe the Articulation on this figure.
The Arm Articulation could have at least preserved ONE of the POAs easily:
As you can see on the CRUDE Illustration, the Elbow Articulation could have been preserved for Skeletor. IN THEORY a normal "Ball jointed Elbow" could have preserved ALL The Articulation even if he lacks a bicep cut. The Reason why I decided to forgo the true Ball jointed Elbow and suggest a Hollow Square peg and turn the joint into a hinge is to "protect the lifespan of the cable".
The Official Skeletor has only 2 POA on his right Arm: Shoulder Pseudo ball joint and hinge and the rotating wrist. The Left arm is a normal arm. He loses the Ab Crunch due to the Electronics... The Head loses movement... Why did he lose the boot cut then? Not to mention that the Ankle Articulation is virtually useless.
Also, he's a bitch to stand up! Thanks Obama! 1.0
Paint and Sculpt:
ONCE AGAIN: WHY IN CELESTIA'S NAME ARE THEY USING THESE GINORMOUS PACKS WHEN THE BATTERIES ARE SO SMALL? ?Yeah, I'm starting right out the bat with this for Skeletor. The rest of the sculpt is neat, aside the head that became a bit bloated "due to the LEDs" and the skull looks like it has a thin membrane of yellow and green flesh on it... unlike the normal Skeletor Skull... But that's so vintage... 4.5 Accessories: Havoc Staff and Removable Hood... No, just no... The Havoc Staff BARELY Lights up and the Hood, well... They improved the Hood compared to Eldor... 1.0
Skeletor Final Score: 2.17 is Skeletor's Overall Score. Piss poor Articulation and Underwhelming Accessory hurt his score a lot.
Two Pack Overall Score: 2.67 is the final score of the pack. I blame the clunky accessories and how the figures were ruined for the sake of adding the Light Up Feature. I could always say that the mini Comics could add some fraction of a point to the score, BUT they are ASS! and if I were to count them, they'd DETRACT from the final score.
Yeah... I finally found that Shenmue clip on Youtube! Yeah... And I'm a bit bummed seeing that this is the First Christmas where Santa cannot give me the one present I want the most... But let's face it... Even with all of his powers Santa still has some limitations.
I know that talking about Santa on a Christmas rant would be robbing the Christ part out of Christmas... IF I were to look at things from the Christian point of view... Which I'm not, due to an unwritten rule that I'm supposed to keep the House of Rants as neutral in Politics or Religion... The few times I've dabbled in things involving politics (like Mitt Romney being indirectly responsible for Kay Bee toys dying, which was mostly reminiscing about KB and the stuff I got there... Or the time Obama made fun of Trump and the Birthers with The Lion King Footage... Mostly because Obama used The Lion King to mock the whole Obama is a Kenyan thing.) So, I'm going to focus my rant on one of my Childhood heroes, a man that I'd want to be like him when I grow up, a man whose greatness I cannot achieve and even by doing My best I'll never be a fraction of the man known as Santa Claus.
Yes, I have often DREAMED of BEING SANTA CLAUS. Sure he's not as Super as say, Superman who uses his powers to protect humanity or a Christ-like figure who dies for our sins...
Cue the Nostalgia Critic Optimus Prime joke...
Santa wants us to be good... Not to save us from the possibility of Eternal Damnation, but for Goodness sake. Of course, this is the point where the TOY Bribe is brought up. Sure, the whole commercialization of Christmas kinda ruins the holiday and instead of reflecting on our actions throughout the year and try to be a better person; but a treat outside your birthday doesn't seem like a bad thing... Besides Pretty much EVERY Holiday has been commercialized... Candy and postcards on V-Day, Fireworks, meat and beer for Independence Day, Candy for Halloween, Green stuff and Alcohol for St. Patrick's, uh, Tex Mex food, Racist stereotypical Sombreros and ponchos and Tequila for cinco de Mayo... So think about it, the Magic of Christmas is all about trying to be a better person, to share Joy even when one is dealing with harsh situations... Find the good on everything and celebrate that. Santa embodies that pretty well.
I mean, the guy is a bit of an anti social person who prefers to be isolated from contact with other people most of the year. The guy lives in the NORTH POLE, a very inhospitable place! Now to be fair, the guy is immortal. Losing Family and Friends to the great Equalizer IS something Horrible... Now take that and add to the equation that you cannot die. See the reason why he must be away from humanity. This would also explain his attachment to Children.
Think about it: Children have the most hopes and dreams, their imaginations are wonderful and to an extent magical. A man who cannot die would try to cherish every moment with those he'd consider friends. Most kids would say that Santa is a friend. Some adults still trust Santa, or at least feel a bit relieved when near Santa (even if it is not the REAL Santa...) Why is that? Because we consider him a friend and someone we should trust. (Due to all the years he has been watching for us and giving us presents when we've been good)
Also, Look at Santa: He's old, fat, lives on a diet of cookies and milk... The guy can eat Cookies and Milk... And candy too with ZERO CONSEQUENCES!! Well, maybe one night of massive Overtime, but he has the rest of the year to prepare physically and mentally for it.
Why does he do it? Here we could go and take the Story of Nikolaos of Myra, which is the historical figure that inspired the Santa lore. I prefer to go in a different direction. The Immortal Claus knows how short life is, since he is undying and has seen the lives of his friends go by so fast (compared to him) So he goes out of his way to bring presents to the children in order to bring them some additional joy in their short lifespans. Think about it. Santa only comes when you still have some innocence in you and have not become jaded and cynical due to the harsh realities of this world. This brings us back to the Be Good for Goodness sake. For those who "outgrew" Santa, the idea of Be Good for Goodness sake is a message. Don't be a cynical jerkwad ALL THE TIME. Let the childlike innocence thrive for a while... A little hope that things CAN BE Better is not a bad thing.
Now WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE SANTA? Spreading Happiness and bringing Joy to people everywhere just by using 2 Letters 3 times... Ho, Ho, Ho! Being able to eat a ton of cookies and milk without any side effects is a nice perk too! The premise of Sneaking into peoples' homes, eating their food and leaving Mysterious Packages sounds disturbing for most adults... For me it sounds like an Extreme game of Metal Gear Solid in real life... but the cookies and milk is where it's at... and don't get me no stinking vegan cookies and non-dairy milk... BLEGH!
We have been waiting for this since the Oo-Larr mini Comic was revealed. Thanks to a good friend, I was able to read the Minis BEFORE my figures arrive sometime in January... (2015 rankings coming up once I get the figures)
It starts where the last one ended up and the heroes run away like wusses. Right out of the bat we have He-Man running away... To Thundaria where Orko rips off Green Lantern lore...
Then we have Gorpo's goons picking up the rubble on Grayskull and we see Megabeast discard the Frozen in Gemstone Horde Prime head... I actually chuckled at that.
Spector gets a Speaking Role... and yes, I heard Scott's Voice when Spector Spoke... They need Technology to go back, but only Magic can go forward in Time Travel... Also MEFII is a glorified amplifier for Neitlich... err, Spector.
Yes, He-Man's plan is to send Dare back to the past in a Reverse Faceless One Maneuver.
Dare and Spector reach Preternia... How can I describe Preternia?
Neitlich is a dick to Illumina... He tossess Illumina in the comic and she kills Spector, while she takes a jab at the gimp suit... Then He-Ro, the real deal, turns Illumina into Sleetah... "We'll never need to deal with you again!" says He-ro after he "destroys Illumina". I don't know about you but this is clearly a jab against Emiliano Santalucia, creator of Illumina. Spector's death seals his Mary Sue Role... "Heroic Sacrifice" The Mighty one died by bringing Dare to the past.
so He-ro takes Preten-Dor to Eldor so he can have a Rocky Montage. Seriously, all the spells Eldor have are "Hero spells" and they need to be used by a Hero... I feel a song coming up.
Meanwhile, Skeleteen is used to showcase new villains: Merman 2, Tunglashor 2, Trap Jaw 2 and Old Beastman... Gorpo gets the Spell of Separation and splits the planet in two to get the Star Seed.
Neitlich wastes a page on He-Man bitching about the leaked pics of Gorpo on 4chan!? Man he's worse than Anita... He also explains how the power of grayskull works... which is something we already know... The cool part is the art where He-Man is punting Beastman...
Let's take a Breather here before the Part 3 of the Fall of Eternia...
We're being overloaded with Exposition on more than HALF of the 3 minis... This is on par with Prequels Lucas bad writing... You may have noticed that I did NOT mention the King Hiss is revived to be killed by Gorpo immediately because it's TOO FREAKING STUPID!!
Now let's do part 3:
Dare and He-Ro wearing a James Hook Costume... there's a change in the artist. Axel is no longer drawing the characters here.
So they go to Eldor and now has to study Books...
We have a Montage... where Sharella is hit by an arrow and becomes green. (we don't see the turning green part but it's implied... and yes she was Preternia Teela basically)
Back in the present: Orko, sharella, Sister Teela... Seriously she looks like a freaking nun! and Master Sebrian are trying to hold the planet together... now there is NO EXCUSE TO NOT MAKE A SEBRIAN FIGURE, MATTEL!! and they get assistance from Evil Lyn who gets repowered and a hell of a plastic surgery... (remember she's old enough to be He-Man's mother)
but that isn't enough and we get help from That Guy in Yellow who Participated in a Tug of War against He-Man who is now a cosmic being... and vanishes as fast as he came... Neitlich is a dick to Tug O' War fans...
So Dare is going to the present and indirectly help Gorpo because he needs the Power Sword to unlock the Star Seed and Dare is hellbent on going to the present... King Grayskull gives Dare a pep talk that made me sick to my stomach (doesn't help that I have a cold)...
The Heroes and villains face up in UBG III...
Splash page with CastleGrayskullman, Old Sea Hawk, Bow flying on Arrow... TRUE BLUE POP ARROW... She-Ra was demoted to Man-at-Arms... She's wearing a Duncan-esque She-Ra Helmet and is clad in green and orange... But there is someone with a Duncan Helmet and sporting his mace... Sonofabitch! 200X Roboto is in this... and Mo-Larr is apparently an evil Warrior from the Future... Mo-Larr is canon... Let that sink in for a moment... Neitlich FORCED MO-LARR INTO MOTU CANON...
Then it turns into two little kids playing with their toys when Gorpo and Dare summon their key characters in their prime to do a death battle. No, scratch that... It's
And Orko teams up with Dare to Kill Gorpo in the most pathetic way... Seriously, Orko pops a flower out of his hat and Gorpo's like WTF... Then Dare Penetrates Gorpo with his sword from behind in a Reverse Sephiroth Maneuver...
Dare sends the heroes back to their time and now the battle between Dare and Skeleteen will go on for the Starseed seeing that there is no Grayskull now.
I'll let a professional reviewer summarize my thoughts on these comics:
Whoops! wrong Critic,,,
Again, this feels like Neitlich tried to tell a 200+ page novel in 42 pages. Then there's the whole fact that this arc was nothing but a ploy to force feed us Dare as the new Hero in charge... Who is better than He-Man and She-Ra combined. That pep speech of King Grayskull being all proud of him made me sick, because for years we've been told He-Man and She-Ra are the heroes of Prophecy, not Dare the turdburglar! The ending was a huge letdown... even for a Neitlich comic. Seriously it's a retread from the past mini comics... 2 of them are loaded with exposition and the third one tries to make up for it with Splash pages and more characters appearing out of the blue. Not sure if intentional, but the whole History Repeats itself was rather dull and uninspiring. Forced Cameos felt forced and the whole taking his whole Emiliano Vendetta thing to the publish page feels a bit unprofessional... Hopefully Mattel will release Illumina as a final Screw You to Neitlich.
Now that we have the entire Neitlichverse we can see how horrible it is as a whole... Heroes acting unheroically (genocide, literal backstabbing the villain,) Neitlich using his position to take jabs at others, horrible pacing and trying to force feed unpopular concepts to the fans.
Also, Captain of the Guard She-Ra is Misogynistic as hell...
Skeleteen and Dare don't look so hot on this either... I mean hot as desirable (not sexually desirable, but as in I need these two on my shelf desirable) Dare ended up being a Mary Sue... even bigger than Spector. Seriously, dare becomes a Better He-Man than HE-MAN AND SHE-RA COMBINED... That's...
I knew I needed the Goldblum clip somewhere on this rant... Here's where it was needed, oh well!
Skeleteen ended up being a FLUNKY... a Flunky who became boss once Mitch the Uno was killed like a little bitch... How can we make the character desirable as a toy when his appearance is reduced to Skeleteen = Gorpo's Bitchboy #3... Jitsu is #2 and King Hssss is #1.
I expected the comics to be bad, but this is EROTIC FAN FIC BAD!!! (and BTW there is an Erotic Fanfic of Skeleteen on the internets... That's where I firstgot inspired for the battle cry for Skeleteen... SKELETEEEEENUH M***********!)
Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas! Happy Hannukah, Hearthswarming Eve or whatever you celebrate!
Well, looks like it's that time of the year again... you know between Christmas and el Día de los Reyes at the House of Rants... Normally I take a Christmas Special and apply a Play by Play Commentary to it, but seeing that this is MOTUC's FINAL YEAR until it becomes MOTUCCC; I've decided to take a look at a MOTU Movie...
Whoa! hold it right there! I'm not talking about the 1987 He-Man-Drago movie. I'm doing the BETTER He-Man Movie: She-Ra: The Secret of the Sword, theTurned into TV Episodes version. Why Secret of the Sword? Like MOTUC it combines multiple branches of the MOTU Brand... OK ALL THE MOTU BRANCHES THAT EXISTED IN 1985...
The TV version of the movie Intro has a different intro than the Standard She-Ra intro in order to avoid Spoilers. Narrated by Lou Scheimer himself! (I think it's supposed to be Swift Wind... voiced by Lou)
So we start on Eternia at Castle Grayskull, where we get to be some sort of sick perverts watching the Sorceress Sleep in her bed chambers. Is it too late to request a MOTUC Sorceress in a nightie variant?
She's having a weird dream of Morbius with a Mowhawk wearing a Tin man from Oz suit and the Batman Beyond insignia carrying a baby dressed in pink and a cattle prod hanging out at the edge of Snake Mountain.
I know it's Hordak, but if I wasn't so into MOTU and POP that description I gave is totally valid!
Hordak shoots a beam at the Sorceress and a Young Duncan, who goes to battle wearing an orange shirt.
Duncan likes it rough!
Hordak runs into the traditional MOTU Portal to who knows where with the baby. Meanwhile Sorceress resisted Duncan's Face after 20 minutes of Netflix and Chill.
and that's how Teela was made!
She wakes up screaming "Adora!" as a phallic symbol floats in the air. The sword's like "HEY! LISTEN! WATCH OUT!" and makes the Sorceress stand before the Spider-Room? It's a Door with a big ass Spider on top of it. The sword fires a blast at the door opening it and the room within shines in a golden light. Then the sword faints at the sight of so much gold. The Sorceress speaks some cryptic words and we're now in Eternos Palace!
Adam is baking bread with Cringer... The traumatized cat asks Adam if he's done, when the Fabulous Prince of Eternia tells him that this takes time. Also, why is HE Baking? Don't they have a Royal Chef or something? Poor Cringer, he ain't getting no bread now! The Sorceress is summoning Adam to Grayskull. Most powerful Manservant in the Universe... He bakes Bread and whenever his mother-in-law calls he drops EVERYTHING He's doing to help... He-Man better start calling himself Pussy-whipped!
Sorceress is a bitch! A Bitch with a stupid plan that is so stupid that even Adam questions it out loud.
"Go through this door to who knows where and deliver this sword to a complete stranger." Of course she uses the "I'm helpless outside Grayskull" excuse, but please tell me more about Male Privilege on Eternia.
BTW, except for a Jewel, the sword looks exactly like Adam's (If only we could have gotten the hijinks of using the wrong sword to transform...)Adam's got questions, logically, seeing that the Sorceress' plan is almost as bad as Luke Skywalker's plan to free Han Solo. She's like "Shut the Hell Up! We do as planned! Q&A will be after the Mission is done! Now go through the door into the unknown and deliver this sword to a certain stranger."
Adam enters the portal and lands on a VERY GIRLY WORLD, which we know as Etheria. They see a village so they enter it.
I have one question:
The Laughing Swan Inn...
There are no Signs on The Laughing Swan Inn. There's only a somewhat abstract bird. for all we know that could be the Chicken Slaughterhouse. There are no words written in ETERNIAN COMMON TONGUE or ENGLISH. How in the HELL did he figured all that info?
Yup! It's a Cantina... You know what that means! Jizz-Wailers! Awww... Our Jizz-Wailer is just a skinny guy in a foppish Reinassance Faire outfit and sporting a Ginger Adam Hairdo. Speaking of Adam, he doesn't get why the people freak out when he comes into the Cantina... Could it be the BIG FREAKING TIGER Standing next to him?
Now we meet Bow and Kowl... The bumbling fools of the Rebellion. I mean, Big Purple Robe is an obvious giveaway... Not to mention wondering (LOUDLY) if Adam is a Horde Spy.
A tubby Server with Swift Wind's or Light Hope's voice (in any case it sounds like Lou Scheimer) greets Adam.
LOVED The Reaction to Cringer speaking!
The Evil Lyn Theme next to the Tin guy means trouble... Especially with the way he is tapping his Cattle Prod.
Damn! Tony Montana should be jealous of the way Cringer snorted that fish! Now the Horde Troopers have entered the scene. Cringer craps his pants, but then again, Cringer craps his pants if a Butterfly passes by him. Adam doesn't like the look of those three! Meanwhile, Bow wants to kick some Horde-ass!
The Horde Troopers act like dicks to everyone and sit down to have a drink...(Aren't they robots? Also, the speaking Trooper sounds like... Gimme an L!O!U! SCHEIMER! I swear Lou Scheimer voices almost everyone in this thing...) Back on topic. Dick Troopers bust up the Harp that the Jizz Wailer was playing and he gets pissed off. Apparently, the Lou-voiced Trooper's name is Mark... I'd add a "Ohai! Mark! Clip here, but I'm trying to keep my Tommy Wiseau references to a minimum.
So, Mark was going to beat the "Music Maker" like he beat up Peter in The Room... D'oh! Adam's testicles lower and he gets into a fight with the Trooper. Such display of Heterosexual Manliness made Bow's nether regions tingle, because he IS the Straightest Man in the Universe and all that. After disposing of one Trooper (Mark) the Other Two try to intimidate Adam with their Cattle Prods. Bow stops that with one quick arrow!
The Trooper pulls out a sword (available at DJ Force's Weapons Forge on Shapeways) to attack the newly disrobed Bow and Prince Adam.
The Troopers fight Bow and Adam while Cringer and Kowl bond over crapping their pants.
Bow's uh, Bow breaks the Trooper's sword (Broken Sword also available at DJ Force's shapeways shop) and takes care of Trooper #2. For #3, Bow and Adam Team up! The Tag Team combo pulls off the rug off of the Troopers' feet! This is how the Most Heterosexual Tag Team Ever was born. Also, Adam was kidnapped into the Great Rebellion.
Bow wants you! Bow wants you! Bow wants you as a new recruit!
it's in English...
At the Shinra Electric Company Building-esque Fright Zone, we Meet the Evil Horde. They're discussing the beating that the 3 Troopers got. Hordak summons Adora... Yes, That same Adora that the Sorceress screamed for. I really love how the Evil Horde Identifies itself as EVIL... (this will come into play later, trust me... but you should probably know about this, because if you're reading the House of Rants, then you are probably a MOTU fan and you should know where I'll go with this...)
Wait, ETHERIA has English as their Language!? HOW THE HELL DID ADAM READ THE LAUGHING SWAN SIGN!?
One very Heterosexual Horseback ride later, Adam and Bow arrive at the Rebellion's base camp. (one twigget sounds like Orko who was voiced by... You guessed it! Lou Scheimer!) And Cringer is becoming more Kowl-like by putting down Bow every chance possible.
Holy crap! I just realized something! Adam is an Alien on Etheria... Bow takes him to his leader!
I am not playing the role of the shield...
First Screenshot of Glimmer, all we get is her butt!
and a pervy shield staring at it.
Glimmer is the First Pop Girl to be smitten by Adam, Prince of Eternia, Defender of the Secrets of Castle Grayskull. Screams of Madame Coming scare the crap out of Glimmer, or so the music makes us think... They all run outside Glimmer's tent to see the Coming of Madame Razz... Wait! Bow and Spragg were betting on how long it would take until Madame Crashed!? She gets no respect, man! no Respect! Speaking of no Respect... Bow gets no respect either. Hordak sent a buttload of Characters who have Action Figures to the village, setting up a need for Adam's Magic Roids.
I used to want a generic Rebel Pack in MOTUC... After seeing what the Generic Rebels look like, I uh, DO NOT WANT!!
OK, Maybe Generic Female and Blond Dude, but the rest... No.I mean LOOK AT THEM!
Midget Bald Dude with Leia's Hair Buns... Wait! No! That's a Midget Larry Fine with Leia's Hair Buns! Next to him is Curly, behind Blonde dude we have Derpy Randy Orton and John Cena with a Pageboy, then we have Moe to complete the Stooges, The Kid from Children of the Corn, Behind him is Quasimodo, fat Eldor and Ginger Guy Fawkes Mask guy. DAMMIT! NOW I kinda want the Generic Rebels.
they prepare the assault while Adam goes to get the Roids of Grayskull.
Now I'm not sure if Catra's outfit is a skirt or a leotard... Also, Mantenna is Scheimer... and the Horde is playing the Pronoun name *cinema Sins ding*
Bow starts the assault with Fireworks and Glimmer captures Scorpia with Purple light. Mantenna stops the redshirts by staring at them. Catra turns into a cat to scare Glimmer. Wait! did Glimmer become intangible and invisible for a moment there!? Sadly, she didn't notice Leech behind her. Catra jumps towards Bow... I know she needs to get laid more often, but Bow is not into bestiality.
Scene does not contain a Human Catra Lapdance *ding*!
17:25 into the movie, Adam FINALLY uses his fabulous Secret Powers!
Leech Knocks Bow and Glimmer out, Adora is standing there with a weird gun (also available through DJ Force's shapeways) She shoots He-Man who plays tennis with the blast and hits Leech with it!
Battle Cat tries to have his way with Catra until she drops her mask. Battle Cat is not into Cat/Human relationships... Internet, you lied to me!!
He-Man dances with Scorpia until she ends up grabbing someone's melons.
Battle Cat decided to prove me wrong and now is after Catra... Cats have barbs in their penises... RUN CATRA, RUN!!
He-Man gets knocked down by Mantenna's stare. Spragg comes to the rescue!
He-Man throws his sword at Adora, knocking her gun off. Battle Cat grabs it as He-Man gives chase to Adora. She grabs a sword (available on Evil Mike's Shapeways store) to fight off He-Man.
He-Man uses the Jeweled sword to break Adora's sword. He-Man stops when he sees the sword react to Adora... He gets stunned by a Horde Trooper with a Cattle Prod. Adora grabs the sword and it's the end of Part 1! There's a sneak peek to Part 2!
An Island made out of Dinosaur Bones!
Hordak is happy, He-Man is chained!
Adora is sleeping on the floor with her sword!
Shadow Weaver is disappointed at Adora's passing out! She takes the sword away so Adora doesn't stab herself in her sleep.
Hordak snorts and the Rebels are on a Forest.
A weird Creature makes Battle Cat his bitch! Battle Cat is stunned and seeing stars! THE HORDE!!
Now for Part 2!
It starts with the Non-Explanatory intro, since we have no official appearance of She-Ra yet.
Last time on Dragon Ball Z... Yes, we get a slight recap of Last Episode. I believe this recap is being narrated by Alan Openheimer.
Wow! Animation error!?
Also, there's an animation Error to be pointed out. He-Man vs Adora has Has them using the wrong swords!
The Sword of She-Ra? I thought the movie was called The Secret of the Sword!?
Whispering Woods folks are super worried about He-Man and are relying on Madame Razz to find him... No one notices that Adam and Cringer are also gone, nor how come Adam and He-Man are the two only Blonds who have a Green Tiger as a Pet... I get it that on Eternia there are Green Tigers, but I'm pretty sure that none exist on Etheria... 1 + 1 = ? and all that. He-Man is on Beast Island... They Need a Vehicle! Madame delivers a Frying Ship (There must be a rittre Japanese in her) She fixes the spell and delivers a Flying Ship... I was kinda hoping for a Flying Shrimp gag, but oh well! Glimmer can Teleport too! Glimmer is too freaking OP! No wonder they nerfed her in the rest of the series!
On Beast Island He-Man is chained to a bed with magically glowing chains... That's some Serious 50 Shades of Grey stuff going on here. (And rememberall the sexually frustrated Horde Ladies that are in the toon and toyline...) They will Kill He-Man by Snu-Snu!! I kould also make a joke about He-Man's grunts sounding like a guy fapping, but I already made a sex related joke, so getting 2 in a row is not good for me!
Crap! Adora is the first Sex Starved Hordeswoman to come for Him! This is some serious Lannister action going on here. She is curious about the sword. He-Man tells her that the sword was not meant for someone evil, like her... Adora is pissed that she is called Evil because she believes THE REBELLION is Evil...
"I really love how the Evil Horde Identifies itself as EVIL..." Remember that quote! Here's the payoff!
Adora is an idiot! She's spent most of her life TRAINING IN THE FRIGHT ZONE!! WHAT KIND OF BENEVOLENT RULER CALLS HIS PLACE THE FRIGHT ZONE!!! Luckily her stupidity avoided the Incest of Grayskull... but back to the S.S. Frying pan.
Tiny Ship is Tiny!
Damn! that ship is a LOT Smaller than I thought... It's like putting a Star Wars Black 6" ANH Luke figure on a 3 3/4" X-Wing kind of thing. A Hordak Faced Vehicle is also approaching Beast Island. It shoots the S.S. Frying Pan down into Beast Island.
Still, how could Adam read the Laughing Swan sign?
Love the DIE! DIE Display on Hordak's ship! I see, Hordak is here because of the Stranger...
Glimmer can also cast a Forcefield AND Levitate 5 people (herself included) and a frigging steed! Sure she faints after landing, but damn! Mah Girl's OP! Remember that she hasn't fully recovered from Leech's Draining effects.
Wait, what's wrong with Hordak's voice!? No snarling, or snorting?
As our friends walk through Beast Island, they face a Poorly Drawn creature! It kinda looks like a slightly refined drawing from one of the Animators' children... At least it's an Original Creature and not the Rock People from MOTU (also used as Sand Demons created by Nepthpoop!) Battle Cat gets his ass kicked and Madame Razz Screws the Spell... Bow trips and falls like a Damsel in distress running away from the evil monster... Wait, Battle Cat defeats the monster with BERRIES!?
Adora is to leave Beast Island riding Spirit, a NORMAL HORSE... A NORMAL HORSE THAT MATTEL OWES US.
Mattel should totally make a new Horse Torso to make Spirit... They have most of the body with Swift Wind. All they'd need is the torso with the holes covered, a new head piece and toss in an Adora Figure. They could make the Robed Adora and be capable of riding the horse with some creative ingenuity. Make the Robed legs like they were thick pants to allow the horseback riding and add a removable "belt piece" with the front and back of the robe (think a long loincloth) to display Robed Adora NOT riding Spirit.
As Adora leaves, Glimmer Teleports in and stuns the two HUMAN Horde Troopers with their Cattle Prod. They infiltrate the Enemy fortress, but are unaware of
A SURVEILLANCE CAMERA!?
We see some Horde Troopers mistreating slaves. One of them begs for Water and ends up being tossed to a pond. (the trooper who tosses him sounds a bit like Bow crossed with Hordak. Probably George DiCenzo voiced him.) Adora is watching this from the shadows and she looks like she smelled a fart from Stinkor after Binge Eating Taco Bell.
Back to Operation: Save He-Man. Grizzlor has the rebels trapped. Battle Cat and Bow stop the Gun Camera. (BC acting as a huge ass Target and Bow, well he Oliver Queens the Camera. Battle Cat goes Juggernaut, Bitch! on the wall and breaks it open. I just noticed something. That Red Button DOES EVERYTHING!!
A Horde Trooper is stealing a horse... The Horse's owner, a child says:
"Father, do something! Don't let him take Whitey away!" I could say something about this remark being racist, but SJW-folk would say that it's impossible being racist against white people.But back on topic, that line made me laugh so badly! Jason, the kid begins punching the Trooper.
Back to the Rebellion, they're cornered by the troopers now turned into Literal Horde sheep.
Adora still questions her alleigance, but back to the Rebels. They managed to pull it off! They reached He-Man, but Hordak catches them... Except that coward Kowl, who ends up rescuing He-Man.
Bow would be perfect for Cinemasins... He-Man saves the Day, because He-Man. Grizzlor gives bad news to Hordak and he sends Troopers. He-Man creates shockwaves to stop the Troopers.
He-Man fights a tank and the Rebels escape in a Mosquitor-looking ship? He-Man is destroying the prison and Glimmer now has a crush on He-Man... What about Adam?
Meanwhile at the Fright Zone, Hordak and Weaver are plotting to stop He-Man. Adora is ready to fight the Horde. Shadow Weaver sneaks behind Adora and uses her brainwashing spell. Weaver will study the Sword and that's the End of Part 2!
Next Time on Dragon ball Z!
Adam is still around! He-Man is into Cosplay!
Shadow Weaver acts like a TV!
Adora demands He-Man to pull her Finger... by gunpoint!
He-Man decides to leap through the ceiling to reach Hordak!
He gets captured!
Now Prepare for Part 3!
We start with the Swift Wind/Light Hope/ Lou Scheimer Intro followed by the Recap by Man-at-Arms.
Bondage He-Man... Horde Trooper being a dick and taking Whitey. Adora shocked and falling asleep. He-Man RUNNING!!
Now we begin with She-Ra unchained...
Whispering woods giving way to the Shinra Building... Fright Zone! If I were to make a custom I'd need a ton of PVC piping.
Hordak is marveled by his latest creation... Imp's looking at him like WTF, man! This is boring...
Magna Beam Transporter... Shadow Weaver asks what does it do... It has Transporter on the title, so it teleports stuff! Apparently it teleports stuff to the Valley of the Lost... (Insert Valley of the Lust comment here.) Hordak is acting like a Captain Planet Villain, because he wants to teleport the entire Whispering woods. Shoot! Hordak Teleported Imp, Weaver, Mantenna and Adora to the Plunder Room... Where they suck the Life force out of slaves and stuff. Sorry, Will Power... Bet Hal Jordan would fill it up super fast. Hordak sucks the will out of a prisoner.
Adam is back! Glimmer warns him about the Fright Zone... Maybe she wants to get into his purple furry briefs. Bow wants to tag along with Adam, but the Fabulous prince detected Bow's super heterosexuality and decided against it. One man is less noticeable than two men... Everyone knows that this is code for: Adam realized that Bow is a Male Teela and we know how useful Teela is... she's as competent as Orko with boobs and a nice butt!
So Adam begins Operation Intrude N313 and steals a Horde Trooper Uniform after recycling his sword aloft pose! No Horde Trooper heard He-Man's mighty scream.
We need that gun in Classics!
Hordak keeps sucking off Rebels and is getting cranky.
A bit of blond hair revealed He-Man!? YET NO ONE NOTICES THAT ADAM IS HE-MAN!? The hell!?
OK, Shadow Weaver convinces Hordak to suck off He-Man's will...
Wait! He-Man found Adora AND SHE'S WEARING AN ADDITIONAL HOLSTER AND GUN!? The MOTUC Adora's Blaster and Holster are a nod to this!? Whoa!
I fear what the Internet may do to this pic...
Double Whoa! This is entering Lannister Territory! He-Man is trying to see how Adora will suck his finger as he sticks it in her mouth...
Brainwashing made an idiot out of Adora. She easily forgot how the Horde were dicks to everyone... Poor Whitey! He won't be avenged!
He-Man is deflecting all the Trooper blasts and Adora is standing there like a moron until Weaver commands her to stop him, which she does... Also, the blaster hits the ARMORED He-Man and he falls down... How!?
Hordak sends He-Man to the Magnabeam charger... Adora BEGS Hordak to not so that and Weaver does her Aquaman impression and she becomes a bitch once more.
Weaver stares at the swords as Hordak salivates at the power.
Wait, Weaver touched the sword of Protection last Episode, but now she cant!?
Adora's bedroom... Adora in Pajamas... Dreaming about He-Man and the swords... Oh Myy! Now Sorceress is calling her telepathically. OK, so Sorceress is now using the sword as a Dream Phone.
Sorceress uses a Vader-like Revelation on Adora... It's Super Effective!
I was going to use the Original pic from the show, but this
Spector pic I saw on the Internet makes this scene less
incestuous and more MOTUC...
If Only... It took all the way to 200X to have He-Man transform
into Toy Variants in random Episodes!! NA doesn't count
because they transformed SKELETOR, not He-Man...
15:38 Episode 3... Adora becomes She-Ra for the first time! She then takes He-Man out of the cage and goes for some MOTU Incest... He-Man asks for his sword. She-Ra touches her brother's sword for the first time and Hordak comes to interrupt... Damn you Blue tiki Vampire man!
He-Man transforms into He-Man-lier, Super He-Man, or is it He-Man^2? I was kinda hoping for Battle Armor or Thunder Punch... Sadly, he's vanilla He-Man.
Hordak dual wields arm cannons and he's happy the Magnabeam is full. The Troopers try to fight He-Man and fail as He-Man runs off to fight the Rebellion. Swift Wind grows wings and begins to talk. She-Ra doesn't think that a talking horse is weird.
He-Man jumps through the roof and reaches Hordak. Sadly, Hordak activates the Magna Beam and She-Ra begins to think like He-Man and tosses a giant boulder at the magna beam. He-Man breaks the Magna Beam and Will farts dill people with energy... Also a bunch of Etherian prisoners have the same hairdo as He-Man... They decide to join the Rebellion! Hordak taunts He-Man and She-Ra does a Dramatic Rescue!
She-Ra drops the sister bomb on him and To be Continued!!
Part IV Preview!!
He-Man and She-Ra open a door!
An Angel is weeping... no not those Weeping Angels! But, Go ahead, Captain Akbar!
Hordak being a bed intruder... Hide yo kids, hide yo wife!
Horde invading Eternos!!
Hordak shooting at a young Duncan and Sorceress... h crap! It's a Flashback episode!
Now for part IV! Reunions
We start with the REAL Intro for She-Ra that mimics He-Man's.
Recap starts with a MOC He-Man.
Adora becomes She-Ra.
Spirit becomes Swift Wind
He-Man flies away from Hordak.
Whispering Woods has He-Man confused. She-Ra tells him about the Sorceress and He-Man makes a long distance call using Adora's sword.
Twins are born! She-Ra sheds a tear. The Horde invades Eternos in the past.
Hordak climbed the window and snatched Adora with Skeletor! Luckily for Adam, Duncan showed up and Marlena kicked Skeletor's ass. She proceded to "interrogate" Skeletor with MAA.
Sorceress tells Adora that she WIPED EVERYONE'S MEMORY ABOUT ADORA... (that's cold)
He-Man invites She-Ra to see her family and the Sorceress tells her that she now can come and go easily between worlds.
The Twins of Power hug in fraternal embrace.
Glimmer really did have the hots for Adam... shame that went nowhere in the cartoon Glimmer superior, Teela inferior!
You know I'm right!
Bow thinks that Adam captured Adora and Cringer pounces on Adam! Now Adam drops the bombshell that Adora is his siter and was brainwashed by Shadow Weaver. Everyone accepts this calmly including the John Cena/Ace Ventura guy in the background standing next to bald Mario. Adora's like. "I'm totally not a Horde Spy and I'm taking over leadership of the Rebellion!"
Kowl tries to stop Glimmer from saving her mom and after Adam and Adora get an explanation of things and volunteer to rescue Angella on their own... To which Glimmer offers her virginity to the Twins... or she would have if this wasn't a Children's cartoon from the 80s.
Swift Wind's 20 packs of cigarettes a day still cracks me up... It's like hearing Clint eastwood's voice coming out of a My Little Pony...
They approach Talon Mountain to save Angella.
We are graced to the shrieks of Tumblradfems as they see Dead or Alive for the first time. I mean They saw He-Man riding Swift Wind with She-Ra and that got their bird panties in a bunch. Also, these Harpies look a bit manly...
Hunga tosses orange rinds at a poor malnourished Angella who is wearing some sort of bling. The Angellic Queen of Brightmoon looks at Hunga with a piercing stare that says: Bitch, If I didn't have this slave collar I'd break off your arms and legs then **** you with them before I kick your face!
Now the gaggle of Tumblrpies grab their phallic objects in order to beat the Patriarchy out of He-Man... and She-Ra's internalized Misogyny. Sadly for the Tumblrpies, they fail, crash into each other and we don't see the aftermath.
Angella sounds a bit Manly and Hunga sounds a bit like Catra... Also, what's with her rolled newspaper/bong thing?
He-Man punches open a door like a brute man... They find Queen Angella and... Roll the Ackbar clip!
She blasts He-Man and She-Ra, while Swift Wind gets trapped in a spiky cell... I see this is where it all began.
Now she Traps He-Man and She-Ra in a similar cell. Silly Hunga... you're going to get your ass kicked!
I don't get WHY they had to cross swords since they can easily swat the magic back at her on their own, but whatever. Hunga got her ass kicked. She quickly hands over Angella, who proceeds to take a shower in front of He-Man and She-Ra... Ohh Myy!
Question time: Adam and Adora promised to save Angella, but He-Man and She-Ra were the ones who saved her. Doesn't that put the twins' Secret IDs in danger?
So, She-Ra in a quest to protect Glimmer's purity decides to go to Eternia and take her brother as a tour guide.
Two troopers see Adam and Adora riding Spirit and Report to Hordak. Of course Hordak is pissed that Adora rides with the Rebels now... At least she RIDES WITH THEM and not RIDES THE REBELS!!
They leave to Eternia and Hordak chases after them in Rocket mode! The twins arrive at Grayskull and the Sorceress teleports them. Hordak EXITS Grayskull and lands on a mud pile.
On Eternos everyone has their eyes covered to not see the surprise.
Dan! Teela sounds a bit pissed that Adam has a female companion. Another question: HOW COULD THEY RECOGNIZE ADORA IF THEY HAVE NOT SEEN HER SINCE SHE WAS A NEWBORN!? Teela, as always, is completely clueless to what's going on. Duncan quickly explains to her. Randor congratulates Adam for ONCE not being a completely useless son.
Hordak enters Snake Mountain and thinks of Skeletor. Unfortunately for Hordak Skeletor is not too happy to see him. Skeletor drops Rocks on Hordak and says that he sent him back to his dimension... No, you bonehead, you threw rocks on him!
Hordak drills the ground beneath Skeletor and taunts him before offering a team-up... For Part V!
Next Time on She-Ra:
Skeletor ruins a Group Photo of Kobra Khan, Beastman and Hordak.
Webstor and Kobra Khan try to dance with She-Ra.
a Rebel runs from a Horde Tank!
He-Man is on a Street Fighter 2 Bonus Stage!
Swift Wind is killed...
This is it, gang! The FINAL PART of THE SWORD OF SHE-RA!!
Traditional She-Ra Intro starts the Final Part. I now kinda miss the Swift Wind Intro...
Adam enters the Portal and Hordak comes out of the Closet...
Adora hugs her parents. Meanwhile Hordak tells Skeletor to talk to the hand.
Skeletor shoots something.
Hordak walks and Skeletor lowers his staff.
We start at Eternos and we have a Royal Dinner where Adora is making fun of Razz and Randor compares her to Orko... Also the cup he is drinking from is the one he got for Classics... Yay! Horsemen! Adam gives us Exposition on why Orko is not on this... (Mostly to hide that Orko's voice is Mantenna's voice without exaggerated m sounds... Played by Lou Scheimer if memory doesn't fail me.)
Also, Adora does a weird face when Cringer slides under the table...
Webstor and Kobra Khan scare two Palace Guards into submission. Then Skeletor and Beastman come in with cake... Also, Beastman bringing the cake!? That will fill it with fur you boneheaded nincompoop!! MYYAAAH! Skeletor turns into Chef Alan... No wonder I never liked the guy! He then Turns Webstor, KK, and Beastman into Sous Chefs... The Chef brings in the cake... and maybe this is where the Portal Series got their Cake is a Lie idea... The cake was Hordak all along!! I kinda hoped that Hordak would hop out of the cake like a stripper...
Hordak KOs everyone and steals Adora so Tri-Klops picks everyone on the collector. Teela and Duncan are powerless to stop Skeletor.
Marlena cries as Duncan gives the bad news. He-Man shows up and Marlena asks He-Man for help. The Core 4(He-Man, Battle Cat, Teela and MAA) go to a Wind Raider to reach Snake Mountain!
Pay attention to her left hand.
See? Faking it!!
Skeletor preps a Portal to Etheria for Hordak and he is ready to leave when Trap Jaw and Webstor push Hordak into the Portal as Adora is a prisoner of Skeletor. She pretends to faint in order to check out Triklops' package...
Love Skeletor's Reaction to Adora's fainting... "Just like a woman!" I can hear the Harpies now...
Beastman takes Adora to the dungeons where he says she's pretty. Adora's reaction: Dive straight to Beastman's crotch... This is of course to slide under him to escape, but if seen from another perspective... Oh myy! No really, Oh myy!
Tri-Klops he sees EVERYTHING and he did not see THAT coming!? I've no words...
Adora transforms into She-Ra practically behind Tri-Klops and HE DIDN'T SEE THAT!? He should be called No-Klops.
Skeletor is calling Randor on his Hell phone... She-ra interrupts the call.
Webstor and Kobra Khan begin to grope She-Ra as she dances with them. Skeletor fires a blast at She-Ra and she He-Man's it up by deflecting the blast and attacking Skeletor indirectly.
Tri-Klops and Trap Jaw try to stop her but fail. Heck! He-Man wasn't even needed for this Rescue mission... He-Man introduces She-Ra to Teela and MAA. Of course Teela being dumb will never figure out that Adora = She-Ra.
Skeletor whines about a FEMALE He-Man... Duncan and Teela stay at Snake Mountain to mock Skeletor...
Meanwhile at a Strangely located Castle Grayskull...
Adora decides to return to Etheria and fight against the Horde.
At a weirdly placed Castle Grayskull...
Adora says her goodbyes and she leaves to Etheria. There she finds Adam stranded on Etheria and a bunch of Horde Flyers.
Adam and Adora transform in the first DUAL TRANSFORMATION!!
Glimmer and the Rebels are attacking the Horde to free Bright Moon when wild animals attack.
She-Ra channels her inner Aquaman and reveals that the Animals want to kick Horde ass.
Angella threatens Hordak with a sword. Battle Strategy: She-Ra takes care of the Fliers, He-Man takes care of the tanks. Glimmer and Angella help to take care of the fliers too!
Bow directs the foot soldiers against the castle. Madame Razz and the Twiggets fight the stunners... Swift Wind was killed in action. Swift Wind's dying and She-Ra is using Healing Powers to save Swift Wind.
Hordak is crying about the Rebels winning and runs away.
Brightmoon is now Free with Angella as Queen and Glimmer as Princess.
He-Man returns home as She-Ra stays on Etheria until the end of Hordak's rule. THE END!!
I just realized something that will get me a ton of flak... If all this story were to be compressed into 3 mini comics, this story would almost be as bad as a Neitlich tale... Let's take off the nostalgia glasses for a moment here and look at this objectively: Secret of the Sword is a bit disjointed. Most of Part 4 is filler as well parts of well, part 2. A lot of part 5 seems to have been compressed for time issues, while parts 1 and 2 felt like they dragged on a bit too much.
I like the "movie" but for the first time ever it truly FELT LIKE A CHORE watching through it. Probably because now I was noticing plot holes, weird contrived conveniences to advance the story, animation errors, and things to make fun of. Also, this was a lot longer than the Christmas Special, so it took me a lot more time to do it.
I am disappointed that the Only Ned Stark Santa is coming pic I've seen comes from a sweater on sale...