On Bios and MOTUC Canon (Déjà vu?)

After being contacted by Val Staples with some info on the "Valpoint Paradox" not being Valpoint, since he didn't write them; I began thinking: Why do I hate the Neitlichverse so much?

Short answer: It's not personal issues with the former writer of the current MOTU Canon, but issues with the writing itself.

Long answer: I've constantly stated that my main issue is the attempt to tell a huge story in such a small sized medium. The vintage Mini Comics Worked because they told a self-contained tale that showcased the character's abilities and a bit of their personality.

The index card sized Bio Box does not allow the writer to tell a huge story. You can't ask George R.R. Martin to tell the entirety of the Song of Ice and Fire on 42 Index Cards. Seven Novels of 300+ pages each are needed for him to tell that story.

The Bios should be about the Character who they are and what do they do. There is no space there to tell a small adventure story showcasing their abilities and personality.

Let's take our favorite ABSOLUTELY HETEROSEXUAL archer who is totally NOT GAY as an example.

Real Name: Kyle Reccula
After wandering through Despondos for several centuries and unable to return to Eternia, Hordak and his ageless army eventually claimed Etheria as a new throne world, deposing the local monarchs and ruling the people through fear. A nobleman in Queen Angella’s court, Kyle was one of many brave warriors who took up arms against the Horde invaders and joined the Great Rebellion. Nicknamed “Bow” due to his natural ability as an archer, each of his arrows possesses different powers and he has a magical heart that beats frantically when She-Ra is in danger. Bow is secretly in love with Princess Adora, unaware that she and She-Ra are one and the same!

Taking out the first sentence about Hordak helps fix the bio. Laziest fix ever. but let's try a bit harder.

That 'stache

Real Name: Beau Flynn (Beau because it's French for handsome and it also sounds like BOW. Flynn as a nod to Errol Flynn, the actor who played the most Iconic Version of Robin Hood)
Right out of the bat I fixed the Kyle Reccula mistake. That allows him to be called BOW without having to go for the "nickname" overexplanation. Though the name BEAU means Handsome, Boyfriend and sounds like Bow. Seeing that Glimmer's name is Glimmer, Angella is Angella, Adora is Adora, Bow being Beau makes sense. It sounds similar enough and no need for justifying the name, unlike Frosta or Castaspella, whose codenames seem too odd to be real names.

It kinda seems that Kyle was picked at random. Then again, Neitlich had a super mega tight deadline (insert perverted joke here) to do all the bios. I could make a joke about Neitlich mistyping Reticle as Reccula to imply that Bow is the Rebellion's sniper, but I'm taking the high road (for once).

Let's try to redo the rest of the bio.
When Bright Moon fell to the Horde Invasion, Bow took it upon himself to protect Princess Glimmer from The Evil Horde invaders with his extraordinary archery skills. As the young Princess began to form The Great Rebellion, Bow became more involved with the Princess' cause. Using his myriad of specialized arrows to aid the helpless, Bow became one of the Horde's most wanted. Once he met Adora, he was smitten by her and vowed to protect her. The Magical Crystal heart embedded in his chest developed a connection to the Warrior She-Ra and it warns Bow whenever she or Adora is in danger.

It more or less says the same thing that Neitlich tried to state. I simply made it more about Bow. He's not a simple nobleman, but Glimmer's self-proclaimed bodyguard. He's also a founding member of the Rebellion and there is some progress in his character arc by stating that as the rebellion was forming, he was getting more involved. Which means that at first he might have not been so adamant to help the rebellion. I paint him as a hero that uses his arrows for justice and that the Horde sees him as a threat. The falling in love with Adora thing is there. The Heart beating for She-Ra is there. While I don't blatantly state the issue of him being unaware of Adora being She-Ra, it IS subtly implied with his Crystal Heart making a connection to She-Ra. It MAY know that both Adora and She-Ra are the same person, which makes sense for it to warn Bow whenever each of them is in danger, but Bow's feelings for Adora may cloud his judgement about Adora and She-Ra being the same person.

Incredibly enough this is one of the BETTER Bios by Neitlich... Let me see if I can find one that bothers to tell his tale instead of focusing on the Character... No, not Perfuma. That focuses solely on her, which is GOOD, but it CAN be interpreted in a very dark rapey way... Which is bad.

OK Goat man!
Real name: Klacky

A member of the G'hoat men from the Northern Mountains, Klacky's species is one of the only intelligent humanoid upright races that falls subjective to the hypnotic powers of the Beast Men. And like most of his species, Klacky was captured by the rulers of the Vine Jungle and simply called "Goat Man" by his beastly masters. Eventually he found himself in the services of Raqquill Rqazz and was forced to serve in the Second Ultimate Battleground. Here he was severely wounded by Buzz-Off and left at the foot of Central Tower. Crawling inside, Klacky fell into a time portal and was transported into the future, arriving on Eternia when King He-Man ruled the land and his son Dare wielded the Power Sword. Forced to serve an aging Beast Man in this new time, Goat Man is forever following whatever evil orders he is given.

Again: Real name? WTF? Apparently Klacky is Slovak for Gorgeous... What the Huh? Well, maybe he is gorgeous for his people.
 The problem with his bio is that half of it is trying to fit in how a character from He-Man's era ends up in Dare's era. While the writer kinda makes it a personal story about Klacky's misadventure through his whole life, it's like HE WAS WOUNDED went to the future where He-Man is an old man and somehow Beastman found him and made him his bitch once again... How did Old Man Beastman
found Klacky? The point is that Half of the bio is trying to set up a convoluted story and half of that is barely dedicated to the character.

A member of the G'hoat men from the Northern Mountains, Klacky's species is one of the only intelligent humanoid upright races that falls subjective to the hypnotic powers of the Beast Men. It gives us a small background on the G'hoat men. They are effected by Beastman's animal control.

And like most of his species, Klacky was captured by the rulers of the Vine Jungle and simply called "Goat Man" by his beastly masters. It talks about Klacky, but it's still about the G'hoat men in general.

 Eventually he found himself in the services of Raqquill Rqazz and was forced to serve in the Second Ultimate Battleground. So far we have: This is Goatman, his species can be forced into slavery by Beastman's species... Beastman made him his bitch.

Here he was severely wounded by Buzz-Off and left at the foot of Central Tower.  Forced to serve in battle to get wounded without ANY significant accomplishments?

Crawling inside, Klacky fell into a time portal and was transported into the future, arriving on Eternia when King He-Man ruled the land and his son Dare wielded the Power Sword. This one sentence is the real culprit of the setting up the SoH part, which diminishes already what little we have with him.

Forced to serve an aging Beast Man in this new time, Goat Man is forever following whatever evil orders he is given. Once again he was Beastman's bitch.
Did we learn anything other than he only serves against his will?

But this is an example of what I was talking about. The Bios lose space to tell us about the Character and instead is wasted on a Story that can't be told properly in that medium. I KINDA see what Neitlich wanted to do with the story but the way it was told it left a lot of massive gaps that "Keep reading the bios" WILL NEVER ANSWER. (Why was Adam running around with a techno vest AND the Techno Sword to get the halves of the Power sword to use the power of Grayskull he already can use with the techno sword. Or how about who was wearing Spector's clothes to take Skelebaby to the future so he can become Skelechild, Skeletween, Skeleteen, and maybe Skeleadult... just to name two things.) Not understanding the medium you are writing to and trying to force a seven novel story into 42 index cards is a sign of bad writing.

But what about Bios not talking about the character in it?

Real Name: Uqquz’ Zekul-Mshqx
Realizing his pupil Keldor™ had no intention of releasing him from Despondos™, Hordak® merged him with an extra-dimensional being called Demo-Man™. While this saved Keldor’s life, it also drove him temporarily insane and convinced him to open a portal to Despondos™ and lead what he thought were “his people” to Eternia®. Hordak® intended to use this ruse as a means to escape once the portal was opened, but the new merged being “Skeletor®” was quickly defeated by Oo-larr™, the jungle He-Man®, and Hordak® remained trapped. Soon after, with the help of Evil-Lyn®, Skeletor® gained control of the powerful spirit inside of him, increasing his abilities ten-fold. He was now the true Overlord of Evil™ and one of the most dangerous men on Eternia®!

Demo-Man is an afterthought IN HIS OWN BIO... Not to mention his name being a bunch of random letters and apostrophes... seriously, try to pronounce: Uqquz’ Zekul-Mshqx. Everything else is Alcala Skeletor head Bio.


Now to bring this back to the New Writer(s) who are NOT Val Staples. (And I mean it as in: Val did not write the expanded MOTUC lore, and not as a joke that Val is writing them and pretending he is not.) They are still using the Neitlichisms that did MORE DAMAGE to the lore than good. Which means that the new writers are committing the same mistakes from the past.

The focus on:
-Shoving as many characters as possible into a small writing space
-Convoluting the Storyline even further to force in "Reissues". The ultimates only needed the Upper half of the bios that told you who they were and what they do. "The Classics Story Continues" is where everything goes down the crapper BECAUSE the undoing of Neitlichverse events is treated almost as bad as Marvel undid the Spider-Marriage. There are 2 Duncans AND Clamp Champ running about (guess now I know why he retired, since Duncan returned to his prime and is teamed up with Robo-Duncan or how I shall call him now Drum-Can) Dare is unneeded since He-Man and presumably She-Ra are back in their prime.

HOPEFULLY the NORMAL CLASSICS BIOS, which I sorely missed in 2016 (for mockery purposes and praise when the rare GOOD Bio showed up. If you wonder why I mention Mockery first read the upcoming quote carefully. It's from the Mosquitor Bio) will only focus on the character and not try to weave a tale that makes no sense.

Mosquitor moves in on his prey then stings them hard and sucks them dry. 

Like say: Lodar having an encounter with the NOW REDUNDANT DARE since Slave City was an early adventure of He-Man.

What we truly needed was a timeline with the key moments and players involved. If new figures were made after the Timeline 1.0 was made, then a small annotation with key events where said  character fought and a rough placement in the timeline... Like say:

-Great Unrest
Add the important battles here.
-Keldor's Betrayal after the defeat of Marzo
-Mystic Wall is erected and the Pax Randorica begins
small scale events during Pax Randorica
-Birth of the Twins and Kidnapping of Adora.
small scale events until the fall of the wall.
-Fall of the Wall
-Adam Becomes He-Man
series of small adventures like Diamond Ray of Disappearance Slave City, etc.
-Adam travels to Etheria and She-Ra is born.

That would allow you to fill in some blanks with upcoming characters, customs, etc. and make you THE Master of the Universe of Masters of the Universe.

I understand that when Neitlich came up with the MOTUC Canon he was throwing everything including the kitchen sink and hoping it all would stick in. He had a really tight deadline to do all this and that's why a lot of the bios feel rushed and awkward. This is mostly in part because he tried to tell a story that was ill suited for the medium. Had he gone instead with a who the character is, what can he or she do, who are his or her allies, the KISS approach. (Keep it simple, stupid) But He chose poorly. Nothing we can do about that. HOPEFULLY the new writer(s) will embrace simplicity to tell the EVEN NEWER Adventures of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.

The Neitlichverse has suffered a "Valpoint Paradox" (no longer Valpoint)

German fans from Planet Eternia have their Ultimates in hand. They have shown the new Bios on their Facebook page.

 You can read the Bios and see the new changes made "via Scrollos".

The new "Bios" are supposedly penned by Val Staples,(They're not) hence the "Valpoint Paradox" title in the rant.(Now that I received confirmation that they weren't written by Val I lost the catchy name.) It's a Quarter ass reboot to the Neitlichverse, but the Neitlichverse is still canon but most of the bad decisions by Neitlich are undone... Merman still dies by Mermista's hand, Orko commits genocide, Castle Grayskull is destroyed, Skeletor is killed by He-Man and is revived as a Zombie by Despara then killed again.

I'm not sure if these continued adventures of the characters are wholly a Val (anonymous writer... Lost the catchy name because Val didn't do it.) thing, or if there are remnants of Netilich's atrocious writing... (face it Scott, you're righting is as awe full as E.L. James. type-O's are on porpoise) But Man, Val (or whoever wrote this) tried to Outneitlich, the Superkami Toyguru himself...

Let's do He-Man's bio:
The first part of the bio is a description of the character... The important part is where the Classics Story Continues:
OK He-Man, She-Ra, Dare, and Teela are the big bosses of Eternia. They have adventures, meet allies and enemies (all with their copyright or trademark symbols, cause Bios) Then Keldor returns... After dying by He-Man, returning as Zombie Skeletor and decapitated. Keldor recovered from Decapitation. Then Keldor tells He-Man that Castle Grayskull must be rebuilt. The Spirit of He-Ro tells He-Man that it can only be done if the twins surrender the power. Then they drained the Trollan Grayskull, the Central Tower in order to recreate the Castle. All this was a ploy for Keldor to take the power unto himself. Adam transformed into He-Man, became young once again and defeated Keldor...

Let's see what's wrong here: How does one recover from decapitation (I guess Keep Reading the Bios is an appropriate answer here)? Then having all the power from powerful places across dimensions (Trolla is NOT on the same dimension as Eternia) consolidated under one place is a dumb idea... Especially when Skeletor is the one giving you the idea. Why Keep Dare around when you have a rejuvenated He-Man? Seriously, this is as convoluted and nonsensical as the Neitlichverse. But I have 4 more bios to go through..

 Now it's Faker's Turn...
at a glance this one doesn't seem too bad...
A little of He-Man's essence got into Faker... (not in that way, you pervs!) and now Faker has feelings and emotions. He also got as strong as He-Man. He saved Dare from an assassination and purged all his feelings except anger. He fought Anti-He-Man AND He-Man before ending up in Anti-Eternia and becoming a slave for Anti-He-Man until he can return to serve Skeletor.

Unless we're looking at time like a Time Lord then his bio makes no sense... So Faker was acting like He-Man while He-Man was in space? He stopped the assassination of Dare because he had a bit of good in him, but he later fights Anti-He-Man and He-Man. Were all of them rejuvenated? Or was Anti-He-Man old and He-Man wasn't? But if time progresses in Anti-Eternia just like Eternia, doesn't that mean that Anti-He-Man has an Anti-Dare and there's an Anti-Skeleteen as well?

Let's take on Skeletor before I decide to facedesk!

OK, Z-Skeletor was decapitated and Skelcons took him to a temple (Skelcons have organized religion?) Skeleteen finds the corpse of his father and takes it to the cave where his grandma (Keldor's mom, Saryn) was slain... Forbidden ritual with Havoc Staff and the blood of Saryn that apparently it still gushes allows Keldor to be revived from zombified decapitation...

Keldor tricks He-Man into rebuilding Grayskull, but he is stopped by He-Man and the "reawakened" Heroic warriors... then Keldor disfigures his face to look like Skeletor again...

Again, overcomplicating things instead of tossing the Neitlichverse crap this makes things worse... Saryn is bleeding out for eternity and can be used as a Phoenix down for Skeletor. Revived Heroic Warriors. We now have Clamp Champ as MAA, A Robot with a Duncan AI as a MAA, now add Duncan himself as MAA...


Oh my Celestia I still have Teela and Ram Man to go!
So, Teela... She has to raise Dare as Sorceress of Grayskull... She made a Council of Elders using Spellcasters. She had The Goddess train Dare (if her exploding crotch allows it) She became unemployed as Guardian of Grayskull when Scott Neitlich blew it up... After that she did jack squat!

Why is everyone with Adventures post the Neitlichverse but Teela gets nothing?


Let's just deal with Ram Man...

Ram Man has some adventures, Copyright signs get tossed around, gets a Sidekick, we get Gossip about Ram Man fighting two amputees over Lady Edwina. Battle Cat asks Ram Man to go on an adventure...
IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!! and Ram Man changes tunics. After the Adventure he finds out about the Third Ultimate Battleground and the Destruction and Restoration of Castle Grayskull... So he meets the young again He-Man.

That RanMan 2 better not be Stanlan... also, seriously, Ram Man beat 2 Amputees for that Skank's sake? Really? Also, IN SPAAAAAAAAACE!! is a lazy trope.

There's not much I can say about this that I haven't commented above. If Val truly wrote these,(Update he didn't) I feel bad for him. He really is not as good of a writer to pull off something that would remove the foul aftertaste of the Neitlichverse. I know of him as a really good colorist, not as a writer.

The problems with these bios are similar to the Neitlichverse ones, where a lot of stuff was crammed into a small space. Sure the space is bigger here, but it still feels as if they are trying to put a story far too big for this medium. Instead of doing a well deserved full reboot, the Neitlichverse was kept intact but using bad McGuffins to "Fix the bad parts". Last time I saw a Quarter Assed Reboot this bad, Peter Parker sold his Marriage to the Devil.

Again, this is not an attack on Val or whoever wrote this. This is just a colorful reaction from a fan. We needed a full reboot, or at least having the bios be only the Top half. It makes me a bit afraid of the Classics when they get their bios...  Now if my shipping confirmation would arrive sooner...

UPDATE:
I received a private Message via Val Staples himself, where he specified to me that HE DID NOT WRITE The new Canon, or the Continuation of the Neitlichverse (aka Official MOTUC Canon penned mostly by Scott Neitlich) So, the Valpoint Paradox (which was a cute name) is someone else's Flashpoint Paradox.

I still stand that working with the Official MOTUC Canon puts the writer(s) of the Continuation in a very complicated place (due to some bad and some awful decisions taken by the former writer) and that these small cards are a medium FAR TOO SMALL to tell the epic story they are trying to tell...

It Came from the Bottle: Goat Dude is a Christina Aguilera song...

I am talking about Prahvus, the Untamed... Shoot! He can be a Miley Song too!?
Apparently he's some sort of Djinn so I guess here goes the Christina Aguilera song so I can get that reference out of the way:


He was a 200X Warlord who fought against Teela Na before Teela was born... He also looks a bit more like Baphomet than Goat man...

Let's Crack Him open and see what he's got!

Articulation:
No Boot cut... DAMMIT MATTEL!! STOP REMOVING ARTICULATION! Brandon is starting to look like Ruben-Lite. His half-cape blocks the Right Arm.
3.5

Paint and Sculpt:
He's got some decent tampos for the Tats... Pray that he doesn't chip them off while posing/playing. Aside a small bit of slop on his gauntlet (BTW that right forearm could help getting a 200X He-Man Classicized. Add SA He-Man's head and Left Forearm and all we need is a new Harness and Removable belt for KG) He looks very 200X While looking like a MOTUC Figure.
5.0

Accessories:
He has a Club... A bit small but nifty club and The Lamp.
2.5

Overall:
Prhavus the Untamed gets a 3.67 as his Final Score. The Articulation and few Accessories. Let's face it he only has 1 weapon and a prop that is likely to be on another figure's hands to show that he is Prahvus' master. He feels a bit lacking in the accessory department. He needed an extra weapon or something... Other than that, this Figure IS AMAZEBALLS!!

Fall of Eternia 2 and 3: confirming why Scott Neitlich should be banned from writing comics.

We have been waiting for this since the Oo-Larr mini Comic was revealed. Thanks to a good friend, I was able to read the Minis BEFORE my figures arrive sometime in January... (2015 rankings coming up once I get the figures)
It starts where the last one ended up and the heroes run away like wusses. Right out of the bat we have He-Man running away... To Thundaria where Orko rips off Green Lantern lore...
Then we have Gorpo's goons picking up the rubble on Grayskull and we see Megabeast discard the Frozen in Gemstone Horde Prime head... I actually chuckled at that.
Spector gets a Speaking Role... and yes, I heard Scott's Voice when Spector Spoke... They need Technology to go back, but only Magic can go forward in Time Travel... Also MEFII is a glorified amplifier for Neitlich... err, Spector.
Yes, He-Man's plan is to send Dare back to the past in a Reverse Faceless One Maneuver.
Dare and Spector reach Preternia... How can I describe Preternia?

Neitlich is a dick to Illumina... He tossess Illumina in the comic and she kills Spector, while she takes a jab at the gimp suit... Then He-Ro, the real deal, turns Illumina into Sleetah... "We'll never need to deal with you again!" says He-ro after he "destroys Illumina". I don't know about you but this is clearly a jab against Emiliano Santalucia, creator of Illumina. Spector's death seals his Mary Sue Role... "Heroic Sacrifice" The Mighty one died by bringing Dare to the past.

so He-ro takes Preten-Dor to Eldor so he can have a Rocky Montage. Seriously, all the spells Eldor have are "Hero spells" and they need to be used by a Hero... I feel a song coming up.

Meanwhile, Skeleteen is used to showcase new villains: Merman 2, Tunglashor 2, Trap Jaw 2 and Old Beastman... Gorpo gets the Spell of Separation and splits the planet in two to get the Star Seed.

Neitlich wastes a page on He-Man bitching about the leaked pics of Gorpo on 4chan!? Man he's worse than Anita... He also explains how the power of grayskull works... which is something we already know... The cool part is the art where He-Man is punting Beastman...

Let's take a Breather here before the Part 3 of the Fall of Eternia...
We're being overloaded with Exposition on more than HALF of the 3 minis... This is on par with Prequels Lucas bad writing... You may have noticed that I did NOT mention the King Hiss is revived to be killed by Gorpo immediately because it's TOO FREAKING STUPID!!

Now let's do part 3:
Dare and He-Ro wearing a James Hook Costume... there's a change in the artist. Axel is no longer drawing the characters here.
So they go to Eldor and now has to study Books...


We have a Montage... where Sharella is hit by an arrow and becomes green. (we don't see the turning green part but it's implied... and yes she was Preternia Teela basically)

Back in the present: Orko, sharella, Sister Teela... Seriously she looks like a freaking nun! and Master Sebrian are trying to hold the planet together... now there is NO EXCUSE TO NOT MAKE A SEBRIAN FIGURE, MATTEL!! and they get assistance from Evil Lyn who gets repowered and a hell of a plastic surgery... (remember she's old enough to be He-Man's mother)
but that isn't enough and we get help from That Guy in Yellow who Participated in a Tug of War against He-Man who is now a cosmic being... and vanishes as fast as he came... Neitlich is a dick to Tug O' War fans...

So Dare is going to the present and indirectly help Gorpo because he needs the Power Sword to unlock the Star Seed and Dare is hellbent on going to the present... King Grayskull gives Dare a pep talk that made me sick to my stomach (doesn't help that I have a cold)...
The Heroes and villains face up in UBG III...
Splash page with CastleGrayskullman, Old Sea Hawk, Bow flying on Arrow... TRUE BLUE POP ARROW... She-Ra was demoted to Man-at-Arms... She's wearing a Duncan-esque She-Ra Helmet and is clad in green and orange... But there is someone with a Duncan Helmet and sporting his mace... Sonofabitch! 200X Roboto is in this... and Mo-Larr is apparently an evil Warrior from the Future... Mo-Larr is canon... Let that sink in for a moment... Neitlich FORCED MO-LARR INTO MOTU CANON...

Then it turns into two little kids playing with their toys when Gorpo and Dare summon their key characters in their prime to do a death battle. No, scratch that... It's


And Orko teams up with Dare to Kill Gorpo in the most pathetic way... Seriously, Orko pops a flower out of his hat and Gorpo's like WTF... Then Dare Penetrates Gorpo with his sword from behind in a Reverse Sephiroth Maneuver...

Dare sends the heroes back to their time and now the battle between Dare and Skeleteen will go on for the Starseed seeing that there is no Grayskull now.

I'll let a professional reviewer summarize my thoughts on these comics:


Whoops! wrong Critic,,,


Again, this feels like Neitlich tried to tell a 200+ page novel in 42 pages. Then there's the whole fact that this arc was nothing but a ploy to force feed us Dare as the new Hero in charge... Who is better than He-Man and She-Ra combined. That pep speech of King Grayskull being all proud of him made me sick, because for years we've been told He-Man and She-Ra are the heroes of Prophecy, not Dare the turdburglar! The ending was a huge letdown... even for a Neitlich comic. Seriously it's a retread from the past mini comics... 2 of them are loaded with exposition and the third one tries to make up for it with Splash pages and more characters appearing out of the blue. Not sure if intentional, but the whole History Repeats itself was rather dull and uninspiring. Forced Cameos felt forced and the whole taking his whole Emiliano Vendetta thing to the publish page feels a bit unprofessional... Hopefully Mattel will release Illumina as a final Screw You to Neitlich.

Now that we have the entire Neitlichverse we can see how horrible it is as a whole... Heroes acting unheroically (genocide, literal backstabbing the villain,) Neitlich using his position to take jabs at others, horrible pacing and trying to force feed unpopular concepts to the fans.
Also, Captain of the Guard She-Ra is Misogynistic as hell...

Skeleteen and Dare don't look so hot on this either... I mean hot as desirable (not sexually desirable, but as in I need these two on my shelf desirable) Dare ended up being a Mary Sue... even bigger than Spector. Seriously, dare becomes a Better He-Man than HE-MAN AND SHE-RA COMBINED... That's...

I knew I needed the Goldblum clip somewhere on this rant... Here's where it was needed, oh well!
Skeleteen ended up being a FLUNKY... a Flunky who became boss once Mitch the Uno was killed like a little bitch... How can we make the character desirable as a toy when his appearance is reduced to Skeleteen = Gorpo's Bitchboy #3... Jitsu is #2 and King Hssss is #1.

I expected the comics to be bad, but this is EROTIC FAN FIC BAD!!! (and BTW there is an Erotic Fanfic of Skeleteen on the internets... That's where I firstgot inspired for the battle cry for Skeleteen... SKELETEEEEENUH M***********!)

Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas! Happy Hannukah, Hearthswarming Eve or whatever you celebrate!

Ugh! The Neitlichverse is making me sick Pt. II

Part One of this not rant took my fan continuity through the timeline until The New Adventures era started. Part Two may touch on the rest of the timeline. I'm still thinking if I will touch the Son of He-Man aspect of the Neitlichverse, or change it radically.

I want to explain how some things work in my fan continuity before I do the rest of the timeline.

Sword of Power:
The sword of Power is not a normal weapon. By that, I mean that the sword in its purest form is an Energy construct, or the raw power of the universe when it was created.
While it WAS CREATED by the Trollans (well, more like reshaping that raw power in a manageable form), it wasn't intended to be used by Trollans. That was why He-Ro was chosen as the Wielder.

When He-Ro uses the blade, he uses it as an Energy Blade in its purest form. When He-Ro dies, the sword seems to have vanished. When Grayskull finds the sword, it presents itself to him as a magnificent sword, of the finest steel. As Grayskull wields the sword, he learns the nature of it. Hence the splitting of the blade in two halves.

The splitting of the swords that destroyed the Horde and Protected Eternia became legends.
Many made copies of what they thought the Holy blades looked like. (Splitting Gar swords, etc.)
Throughout the span of Eternia's long history of war, many warriors wielded these half swords. Some were unaware that their trusty weapon was one half of the legendary sword. Others were sworn to protect the half sword with their lives. The reason for this is that each half kept the shape shifting properties of the original blade. (this is to allow for the different versions of the sword to coexist. In my case, I use a repainted Staction Vintage looking sword for KG, while I use the Technosword for Adam. Now if I could get casts of She-Ra's 200X sword... This also allows me to use some shapeways weapons, like the Alcala Power sword for Oo-Larr, or the NU52 sword for uh, Wun-Dar? No, King He-Man... He gets the NU52 sword...)

NONE of those who wielded the half blades could unlock the sword's power. Not even the Descendant of King Grayskull and Legendary Hero of Prophecy. This was because NONE of them have wielded the Full sword since King Grayskull.

The half swords have another trick up their sleeve. a bit of the essence of their wielders stayed within the swords. Because the swords were not whole they could only absorb bits and pieces. (combat techniques, spells and other combat related things.) The exceptions were He-Ro and Grayskull. Because they wielded the FULL Blade, the swords kept more of their essence locked inside. If someone in the far future wields the NEW Sword of Power and the Sword of Protection, he or she may be able to channel some of He-Man or She-Ra's abilities too!

Techno Swords:
The Techno Swords are the answer for Adam and Adora to use the full power until their blades are not bound to Grayskull. The Technoswords are not purely technological in nature. I'd say they're 30% Technology and 70% Magic (to Duncan's chagrin) The Metal for these comes straight from the original two wielders of the actual Sword of Power. Then they were magically imbued with some of the essence of the original users. The techno shell surrounding each half is basically an emulator of the other half. The bits of essence from He-Ro and KG is what completes the circle. In the Sword of Protection's case the Stone of Protection enhances the bond of Metal with soul, which explains why Adora can do some stuff that Adam cannot do with his blade.

Transformations: (Adam to He-Man, Adora to She-Ra)
We know that Adam and Adora tap into the Power of Grayskull when transforming. It's obvious that Adam's biggest source is King Grayskull, while Adora's is He-Ro. As explained above, the Emulators have something to do with that since one uses Metal that was imbued with more essence of He-Ro, (staff and armor) while the other uses Metal from Grayskull's other weapons.
In Adam's case, when he was a teen, the Sorceress used an ancient spell to help disguise Adam's appearance in order to protect the inexperienced He-Man from being attacked at his weakest...
Seeing that Skeletor did not know of Oo-Larr's death, The Sorceress disguised Adam as the He-Man who fought against Skeletor when she was simply Teela'Na.
As Adam grew into the Hero of Prophecy, the disguise began to fade away until Adam and He-Man were one and the same. This idea is a justification to why people don't realize that Adam and He-Man are one and the same.

She-Ra's case is slightly different. The radical change from Adora to She-Ra comes from her thirst for redemption. Hence the whole White Dress and gold attire. (That also explains the pretty princess long hair.) The wings on her helm come from Zoar. The cape from He-Ro.

Serpent's ring (Ring of Serpos) and SMAA:
The Serpent's ring is one of the many "presents" the Un Named One has given to his heralds in order to do his bidding. (For the Horde, we got the Nanite Techno Virus, which razes worlds in order to dig out Star Seeds.)

This Artifact is one of the ways the Original Snakemen King (King Hssss' father) had to create new servants. It also served as a key to summon the Unholy beast Serpos. The Viper Tower would be the door. Serpos, would raze the world of opposition until the UNO could harvest the Star Seed of that world.

After the fall of Grayskull, the Snakemen became almost extinct and what little of them was left went underground. There, the Snakemen discovered that those who were not PURE Snakemen and were converted via the ring could actually mate with either snakefolk or humans.

I think that's enough for items that may have needed explanations... Now let's try and tackle New Adventures.

New Adventures of He-Man and She-Ra:

-Skeletor had been hunting for Hordesmen and gathering additional information on the Horde for years until he reached Denebria. There he defeated an army of Former Hordesmen who decided to take over their sector of the Galaxy in their own name instead of the Horde. Feigning defeat against their Leader General Brakk (called General Flogg behind his back due to his use of an Energy Flogger.), Skeletor guided Flogg to do his bidding. His first target, Primus, home of the Tri-Solar Galaxy's Starseed.

-Adora, appointed Guardian of Eternia and Etheria helps keep the peace in both worlds with the aid of members of the Eternian Heroic Warriors, the Etherian Heroic Warriors (the former Great Rebellion) and her husband, Bow.

-He-Man arrives to Primus and meets the Galactic Protectors in a grand parade celebrating the arrival of He-Man, known throughout the Galaxy as an enemy of the Evil Horde. Master Sebrian, Leader of Primus and father of General Darius takes He-Man as his guest. Adam reveals his identity to Sebrian and asks of him to keep it a secret, in order to be able to move around Primus without drawing too much attention to himself. The Primian sage agrees with the proposition.

-He-Man and Skeletor cross paths on Primus for the first of many times.

-With the Arrival of He-Man, Skeletor wrests control out of the Space Mutants from Flogg and carries out a vendetta against his nephew.

-Adora is forced to retire from heroics during the time of her Pregnancy. Glimmer becomes Godmother of Adora and Bow's child (Dare) and Adora becomes Godmother of Adam and Glimmer's twins, Abelle and Kaine. Teela erases the memories of the Children from Adora, Glimmer and Bow in order to keep them protecting both worlds.*
*=NOTE:
I am drifting from the Neitlichverse when dealing with the kids. The reason I added a few more to the story is simple: The Mattel story has a huge issue. If He-Man HAS the Power and is still young enough to fight, then WHY IS HE ON THE SIDELINES? There needs to be a real reason for him not to fight. Having his flesh and blood be the next big bad would make sense. He-Man would be unable to physically fight the son he failed. I'm using the following line of reasoning: He-Man would hold back when fighting Family, My guess, is that He-Man is able to fight Skeletor BECAUSE he believes that Keldor can be saved and that his "evil" stems from Demo-Man. Adora's time as Despara stems from Horde "brainwashing". Now, by having HIS SON be a villain, Adam's own conscience would make him step aside. That's not thinking about the PR nightmare for Mattel by having He-Man beat up children.


-The Tri Solar War reaches an end when Skeletor finally finds Horde Prime's location and abandons the Tri Solar Galaxy with an obviously pregnant Crita. Flogg takes back control of the Mutant army and accepts a peace treaty with the People of Primus.

-He-Man returns to Eternia once he finds out that Horde Prime is headed there.

-He-Man, She-Ra, Skeletor, the Heroic Warriors, the Evil Warriors the Mutants AND Galactic Protectors take on the Gigantic Horde Prime. During the Battle, He-Man saves Jitsu's life.

-At the cost of many warriors' lives, including Bow's (who died heroically protecting his wife.) Horde Prime's Gigantic Exoskeleton is destroyed, revealing the true form inside.

-Skeletor, He-Man and She-Ra take Horde Prime on their own and order their troops to fall back. Horde Prime unleashes his power on the Twins and Skeletor.

-Using arcane magics, Horde Prime Purges Demo-Man out of Skeletor, mortally wounding him. As he was dying, Keldor confesses to He-Man that he CHOSE the path of evil willingly and not under the influence of others.

-Horde Prime focuses his attacks on Adora and summons from deep within her psyche the Despara part of her and gives it a physical form. Now She-Ra has to battle her worst enemy, herself.

-With She-Ra distracted, Horde Prime attacks He-Man. Not being able to keep up with the enraged He-Man, Horde Prime Forces the Generator of his ship to Overload, with the ship being so close to Eternia, the explosion would destroy the Planet.

-A warrior in Purple, who calls himself Spector enters the battle and using a Cosmic Key tries to pull the ship out of  Eternian Space. As both She-Ra and Despara II realize Horde Prime's strategy, they join He-Man in the battle.

-As Horde Prime is killed by the Twins of Power and Adora's fears made flesh, the Generator explodes taking He-Man, She-Ra and Despara with it.

-With the seemingly death of He-Man and She-Ra Teela raises the children on her own. She uses various magics and creates false worlds for the children to grow. (Dare is raised on the Vine Jungle, echoing Oo-Larr's upbringing and the filmatiopn concept for Dare, Abelle and Kaine are raised on Eternos by their parents.) Glimmer returns to Eternos to act as Queen Regent.

-The swords return to Grayskull and Teela keeps them in the chamber of power.

-News of the death of Adam spread throughout Eternia and some of the former forces of Skeletor begin to rally under Jitsu to keep peace on the Dark Hemisphere, while others rally under Evil Lyn's command.

-Crita gives birth to a girl, named Keldra after her deceased father. Evil Lyn decides to use Crita and her child as tools to bolster her armies. While Crita is not interested in war, conquest of Eternia and all the hullaballoo, she tags along in order to have a place to stay on Eternia. Evil Lyn senses a small magic potential within Keldra.

-Two years after Keldra was born, a Mysterious Time Traveler gives Evil Lyn her long lost child, Keldeen: Son of Keldor. Evil Lyn senses some strong arcane magics at work and she peers into them.

-Evil Lyn begins to train Keldra in magical arts. As soon as Keldeen is old enough he begins training.
Due to Keldeen's Bloodlines with strong connection to magic, he quickly surpasses his half-sister. Keldra decides to focus her talents elsewhere.

-The light Hemisphere sees another decade of peace.

-Kaine is the first of the Children of Power to break through the illusion. He awakens his sister and cousin who are all deeply confused to what is going on. Teela promises them an explanation in due time... She allows the children to explore Grayskull, since they are the Castle's heirs.

-Dare finds the chamber of the swords. Both he and Kaine are drawn to them. Before they can touch them, Teela teleports them out of the room and commands them to NEVER go in there.

- A dazed and confused He-Man appears out of the Sword's room. His reappearance lifts the spell that made everyone forget about the children.

-An Angry Glimmer reaches Castle Grayskull and is shocked to see her husband alive. She is distraught with Teela for hiding HER CHILDREN for years. They decide to spend the night at Grayskull in order for everyone to catch up with everything.
(Adam's hellish years in Horde World trying to locate Adora without his sword. Glimmer's life as regent and preparing the Children for the real world aside what little Teela did prepare them for.)

-Kaine sneaks into the Power Chamber and takes the Power Sword. Determined to keep the power to himself, he decides to kill his sister. A restless Dare wakes up and sees Kaine sneaking around the Castle. The moment Kaine tries to kill his sister with the Power Sword, the Sword of Protection materializes in Dare's hand and he uses it to protect Abelle from Kaine.

-During the commotion, Adam wakes up and sees his nephew and son fighting each other. When he steps in to stop the fight, Kaine strikes at him with the Power Sword. Adam is able to stop the sword, but not before he is scarred by his son. The Power sword emits a bright glow that scars Kaine and gives him a Skeletor-like visage.

-Teela uses her magic to try and undo the Mark on Kaine, but to no avail. Adam, Teela and Glimmer end up arguing about Kaine's fate. Teela wants to kill him. Glimmer wants to take him home, and Adam wants to keep him in Grayskull. Kaine overhears them and escapes Grayskull through the Subternia gate towards the Dark Hemisphere.

-Once Adam realizes that Kaine is gone, he prepares to search for him, but a Cosmic Enforcer stops him with a warning straight from Trolla.

-Adam retreats into the chamber of Power and forges two new swords with the aid of Kayo of Primus, Light Hope and the Wise King of Dragons, Granamyr.

-With these new swords**, Adam trains Abelle and Dare in the ways of the Power. When the day comes, they will wield the actual swords.
**=NOTE:The new swords forged by He-Man can tap into the Powers of Eternia and Etheria, due to the Eternian and Etherian Blood running through the Children's veins. These Swords were specifically made to tap into BOTH branches of the power, but with a couple of failsafe measures. The Transformations will not last longer than a whole day and require an equal amount of downtime. 

-a masked Kaine reaches Snake Mountain and seeks an audience with Evil Lyn. He beats up various henchmen and Fights Keldeen to a standstill. Kaine mockingly christens his second cousin as Skeleteen. Ironically, he was easily defeated by Keldra and her tricks... not to mention Kaine's overconfidence. With Kaine's face revealed, Keldeen has an idea to rename his group the Sons of Skeletor. Kaine dubs Keldra Skullatrix and Kaine decides to call himself SkelThor. Keldeen is chosen to become the leader, because he is the son of Skeletor, but Kaine becomes second in command since his appearance is the closest TO Skeletor. Keldra only tags along because in her words, "eh, whatever."
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This sets up the pieces for the newest game of control over Eternia:
On the side of good we have the Heroic Warriors, with Adam acting as mentor. He will fight if given no option, but he will NOT physically fight against his son, or cousins.
Dare and Abelle are basically the He-Man and She-Ra to Adam's Randor.
The new Heroic Warriors aid some of the remaining Heroic Warriors from Adam's time.

On the side of Evil we have:
Jitsu's Marauders: While they do not venture to the Light Hemisphere much, to honor a truce with He-Man; they are still evil warriors and will attack ANYONE who wanders into their lands uninvited.  While Jitsu may have a beef with Evil Lyn and the Sons of Skeletor. he may help them for the right price.

The Sons of Skeletor:
This is where Skeleteen, SkelThor and Skullatrix rule. Skeleteen wants to Rule Eternia, since he believes that he is the real heir to the throne. SkelThor wants to take the Power of Grayskull for himself and step out of He-Man's shadow. Evil Lyn acts as consigliere to Skeleteen and is secretly plotting to betray Kaine when it suits her.

The idea is to have this 3 way war for Eternia while adding characters and some different twists, like Abelle and Keldra becoming friends after being captured by a non-key character... (I'll say Nepthu for teh lulz) and I mean REALLY good friends to the point that when the factions are not at war, they hang out together.

Eventually She-Ra would Return to warn Adam about the coming of Gorpo: Herald of the Unnamed One.

-Final Battle All vs UNO.



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Now about the Kids and the Power:
If you notice All of them have an Eternian Parent and an Etherian Parent. I have previously mentioned that the Power coursing through He-Man and She-Ra went beyond Castle Grayskull's and became the powers of Eternia and Etheria. The children having parents from both worlds allows them to tap into BOTH Power Sources... The reason for this is simple: Justifying Variants.

For Dare it's simple since the TWO Eternian Armors have been designed. The Filmation look would be his Default Eternia Power Look, while the Ginger NA He-Man is the equivalent to the Battle Armor.
For his Etheria Power looks, I thought along the lines of taking Elements from She-Ra's armor. For his default look the main Inspiration WAS the DC She-Ra. The Speed Update (or the Equivalent to Flying Fists/Bubble Power) would be the Snipe Armor. As you can guess his weapon would be a Golden Ninjor Bow.
Inheriting Bow's accuracy PLUS the strength and speed of She-Ra makes Dare able to pull off shots that would be impossible for mere mortals.

For Abelle, I am a bit stumped on the visuals for her Etherian Power Modes and one of the Eternian Power modes. I have an idea of a more feminine version of the Ironman Pants He-Man look for her "Strength mode".
Her Etherian looks should take some cues from her Mother's side (Glimmer and Angella)

Kaine the Fallen son of He-Man now calling himself SkelThor has absorbed SOME of the Power of Grayskull when he was branded with the Gray Skull mark. This gives him the ability to summon alternate Armors like his father, aunt and Great Uncle.

The shadow Armor can withstand damage
and SkelThor can focus his dark light powers
into shadow blades that pop out of his
wrists. Think Marvel's Wolverine.

The only Armor I thought of at the moment is vaguely inspired by the Movie, but not enough to raise any copyright alarms.
He too should get new Armors to compete with the Family.
Same thing for Skeleteen (whose Armors are based on Skeletor Armors but with 90s XTREEEEEEM! on them.)
and Keldra (whose Armors should be Tech-Based)

It Came from the Toy Chest: The Most Deadbeat Dad in the Universe.

Stock MOC pic of him... not mine

As much as I dislike the Neitlichverse King He-Man; I had to get one... Especially if the December figure is who I believe it is... Dare (to be stupid): The Heir to the Power of He-Man...
So, by some wheeling and dealing, but doing no squealing... I ended up with an used (and incomplete) King He-Man...

Articulation:
He has the Standard MOTUC Articulation... Seeing as he has a lot of shared parts, it makes sense that his articulation is normal. The ab crunch is SLIGHTLY limited due to the cross on the armor. Similar to his father before him.
4.5

Paint and Sculpt:
Sculptwise, I mentioned he shares various parts. the head, Armor and Loincloth being the new pieces.
I've discussed how much I hate the design, but I cannot fault the sculptors for a horrible design.

Paintwise, I mentioned that the figure was used. Not sure how much of the issues with the paint are involved with usage or Factory work, but he's pretty decent in that area. (One tiny issue on his loincloth)4.5




Accessories:
Theoretically speaking, he has a Royal Staff and a (busted 200X) Sword, echoing Original MOTUC Randor. Mine only came with the Staff, but luckily I have a Custom Busted 200X Sword as a placeholder until I can get a Shapeways DC Power Sword for him. (Don't like the idea of him running around with a broken sword)

-Damn! I was hot, when I was young!
-You're me?
-Yes, I'm you from the future!
-Man! My fashion sense really stinks in the future. At least it's not Skinny
jeans and a ponytail.
-We went through that phase in the 90s.
-Goddessdammit!

Here he gets a 3.5 (this score is assuming the figure had both accessories and the Mini Comic)

Overall:
King He-Man gets a 4.17 as his score. Of course, we have to remember that my figure is a second hand figure and some small issues lowered part of his score.

Now for the long-winded rant on the nitpicks on the character, not the Toy.

I HATE THE LOOK OF THE CHARACTER. He doesn't look coherent. He has bits of He-Man, Randor, Grayskull and He-Ro tossed in together on a extremely busy design. There is no rhyme or reason for him to have two different versions of his Iron Cross AND He-Ro's H.
Now the Staff, I understand; the sword is confusing me. I get that in the Disgustingly bad Mini Comic, He-Man put the Power Sword Away to rule by peace. My question is:
ARE THERE ANY BLACKSMITHS ON ETERNIA?

-OK, young me! Hold the Purple douchebag down while I whack him!
-What did he do?
-He made a deadbeat out of you! er... us!
-Let me tear his arms and whack his gonads with them!

I'm sure anyone of them could have made a sword worthy of a King.
How can I take He-Man Seriously when he runs around with a sword held together by Duct Tape?

Now with Dare coming in December (if the rumors are true) then in 2016 we'd need Skeleteen and an Old Jitsu head...

Personally, I would have made something that looked MORE Like He-Man. I went for the Battle Armor As his Armor because it's an armored look and looks more Kingly than the Flying Fists Armor. It also doubles as a nod to Early on He-Man's career (His first Power-up).
For the crown I went with a more War-like Circlet, because of He-Man's status as brave warrior. Not to mention that Randor's crown would look weird on He-Man. (Also it's a nod to King Conan...)
 Yes, he's wearing the New Adventures pants with He-Ro greaves. The color choices are to keep He-Man's traditional Red and gray from the harness and the golden color matches his bracers.
The Codpiece of the Mattel King He-Man was nice, except for the H. So I removed the H from it and added the Traditional belt, because He-Man. Red cape with Iron cross brooch completes the look. (the red cape is a nod to the 87 movie)

Life after the Neitlichverse: An Interview with Kyle Reccula

Welcome everyone to a hopefully new series of articles here at the House of Rants where we'll look upon characters heavily unused in the Neitlichverse take of Masters of the Universe. We'll sit down and hear their point of view on things. With that said, I'm your host, Nefty and my guest today, or tonight depending at the time you read this is Kyle Reccula, better known to She-Ravers as Bow: Special Friend who helps She-Ra.

"It's a pleasure to be here!"

So, tell us, what have you been up to?

"Well, The Horde was defeated and Adora went to Outer Space. That gave me a LOT of Free time so I pursued some noble activities as writing. I am a Best Selling Author and here's a copy of my book, Mastering the Friendzone: A Self-Help Guide"

I've actually read that book! I need to ask you, What's the B. Stand for, Bow?

"It actually stands for Beau... B-E-A-U, as in my middle name. It's a funny story, People think that I call myself BOW. For years I've been using my real name in battle. People make that connection BECAUSE of my Horse, Arrow."

Huh... Who would have thought of that. So, can you tell our audience about your book?

"Well, it's no secret that I've been called The King of the Friendzone by both Etherians AND Eternians. I've agreed with them, but based on MY Experiences of BOTH the PUA and the incel lifestyles are the basis of my book. Just because I spent years in the friendzone does not mean that I've never scored."

Hmmm! So, you're saying that the only true way to Leave the Friend  Zone is to Embrace the Friend Zone?

"Precisely! Understanding the Friendzone is the only way to escape it! Many people don't understand the Friendzone. It is not some Interdimensional Void where people get cast when feelings are not reciprocated."

Hmm... That makes sense. But can you elaborate a bit more?

"Sure! Without going deep into the book's content, because, I still need people to buy it. Got to pay a couple of debts I've gained during the research period... The problems with the friendzone come from the perceptions that people have from it and the people that fall in it. First: Not all men who end up in the friendzone are trying to get in your pants. I admit that I did try using the friend approach to try and get into some women's pants. Now that I have matured as an individual, I do NOT base my relationships on a 'would bang' scale. But sex is not the only thing that is needed for a fulfilling relationship.

There are actually guys out there that fall in love with their friends but the idea of having sex with their friend doesn't cross their minds. So, basically you have Nice Guys and (expletive redacted) Pretending to be Nice Guys. With that said, we can't be thinking that our Nice friend is trying to get into our pants by being nice. Sometimes the Friendzoner could be evil."

Whoa whoa whoa! Hold it right there, Bow! I need to point out to our audience that no misogynistic rants will be allowed in here.

"This applies to everyone. I only used the term Nice Guys because of the stereotype that only men get friendzoned. Women get zoned too! Also. gender neutral terms are not my forte.

As I was saying. The Friendzoner may simply care about this other person as a friend. Let's use a concrete example: Adora. I'm her MBFFWINGBIOOTG! That is Male Best Friend Forever Who Is Not Gay But Is One OF The Girls! Before I embraced the Friendzone, this frustrated me a lot. Now, I host Tea Parties for Adora AND Friends! We even have sleepovers, where they talk about boys and I give them the guy PoV on the situation. She's happy, I'm happy. If she's in danger I'm there Faster than Mr. Ascot, even if that (expletive redacted) gets all the credit. She didn't string me along. She was clear from the beginning that our relationship would not move beyond friendship. It DID. I'm her Special friend, BECAUSE I'm like a Male Female Best Friend. I CHOSE TO BE THERE FOR HER AS A FRIEND. Eventually, I learned to move on, but she is still MY SPECIAL FRIEND.

But I went on a tangent there. There's the good friendzoner who clearly puts the cards on the table and doesn't try to use you. The EVIL Friendzoner is the one that KNOWS how the other person feels and uses that to their advantage. Like say... Rarity!

Oh look! I can do the Pic summoning on cue too!
*ahem!* Rarity abuses of Spike's feelings towards her as she uses him as her own personal slave. Do I need to point out how she made him give up that delicious (to him) Fire Ruby in exchange for a measly kiss on the cheek? Well some people are like that in real life.

Learning to Identify your place and the other person's role is how you truly can get out of the zone."

You mentioned something about the PUA Lifestyle... Could you elaborate on that?

"Sure, I can! When I decided to NOT BE A DOORMAT, I immersed myself in the PUA literature. At first, my pickup Artistry was failing due to a poor choice of a wingman. Sorry, ol bud, but that's the truth."

Ouch! Throwing the Ol' Know-it-Owl under the proverbial bus! Also, don't trust Trollan wingmen either. Now, I must ask. If the PUA lifestyle was helping you get laid, why did you stop?

"Because, I need something more fulfilling than sex. I said it before, but I'll say it again if needed.
Sure it was easy to go to Frosta and 'Neg' the hell out of her. with things like saying: Your forearms are reversed, or make a comment on Double Trouble's thumb face. 30 minutes of me doing the PUA game ended with me drowning in (expletive redacted)!! I pretty much (expletive redacted) the Entire rebellion."

Ooh! This is the Juicy part... And don't do the a Gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, because the cat is out of the bag!

"What? You're going to bring up that I did porn? It's no secret that I starred in many Porn movies."

No, but since you brought it up, EVIDENCE!!

A behind the Scenes still from Calamari of Lust: (expletive deleted) the Pizza Bow.

It was the only SFW pic I could find. I wasn't going to go on your Porn History, because, I don't care if you did porn. It's your body and your career. What I was going to ask was...

Oh wait! The Producers say that I cannot ask how would you rate the Rebels or Hordeswomen you slept with, because it would be "inappropriate".  So, Author, Adult Entertainment Star, what else has the Great Kyle Reccula done ever since Scott Neitlich made you unimportant to the lore?

"Been busy playing videogames. I could totally kick your ass on Injustice: Gods among us!"

Let me guess... You'll pick Green Arrow.

"Just because I'm into archery, doesn't Mean I'm picking Queen... I pick Aquaman"

Before I wrap this up, do you have any regrets?

"I regret not going with Adora to Space. I regret being tossed aside as an unimportant player. I HELPED TO FREE ETHERIA. I WAS A HIGH RANKING OFFICIAL OF THE REBELLION! What did Neitlich do? Skip the whole Etherian Chapter of the Fall of the Horde. Instead we got to meet Netta... FREAKING NETTA! And that Kay-La chick... Who by the way will be a hottie once she turns 18..."

Well, there you have it folks! Bow is a "nice guy" who will try to get into your daughters' pants. Stay tuned for our next episode where we Interview Castle Grayskull Man!

The Fall of Eternia: or why Scott Neitlich should be banned from writing comics

I was going to wait until Oo-Larr, but an upcoming episode of  Council of the First Ones has the cast rambling about this unholy abomination. I'm going to rant about it now to stop it from ruining Oo-Larr's review. This is the sequel to the comic that came with UNO... Like that comic and the ones that came before, the story was penned by Scott Neitlich... no longer with Mattel.

Ugh Let's get this show on the road:
It's been 10 years after the last mini comic. Adam killed Skeletor and Adora is MIA. Randor died off panel and now Adam returns home.

So, Flipshot and Sky High are friends and Sky High is not white... Also, He-Man puts on his classic suit and a cape after the Power of Trolla gave him the Laser Armor... Is that Detective Lubic?
Queen Marlena is dressed like a nun and gives us some bogus bullcrap about the Prophecy...
The Prophecy has been about twins wielding the power of Grayskull, but now it wasn't?
The Eternia/Earth connection was simply a champion with parents from both worlds? Bull CRAP!!
No scenes of Adam mourning Randor. Seriously, comic?

We find out that Adam Married Teela on a secret wedding off panel... (ANOTHER Neitlich MOTUC Trope: Secret Wedding)
That wedding had some consequences... He-Man is a deadbeat dad! Enter Dare (blegh!) HEIR TO THE POWER OF HE-MAN!! (See the issue here? Neitlich skipped POP, NA, the EVEN NEWER ADVENTURES OF HE-MAN to toss the twice failed Son of He-Man Concept that Mattel rejected the first time before it evolved into New Adventures and rejected a second time when Lou Scheimer pitched the He-Ro Son of He-Man who was actually the Nephew of He-Man. He claims it's for Marketing purposes, but here's the thing... Take it away, Dr. Malcolm!) Oh yeah! He-Man forces the people of Eternos to move to the outskirts of Grayskull...

So, "Prince Dare" is wearing a repaint of 200X Prince Adam's suit. Adam gets crowned as He-Man, which is a load of crap! While, yes, Adam IS He-Man, he SHOULD BE CROWNED AS King Adam of the House of Randor, the He-Man King. He-Man is not his name, but his title. That would be like Scott Neitlich renouncing to his name and have his position as Boy Toys Brand Manager be given to Toyguru. (and having the paychecks with Toyguru as the name on the check instead of Scott Neitlich)
Nice cameos of Gwildor, Sebrian, Drissi, Pookie, the Bee thingie with a kid that may or may not be Stanlan...

We then cut to Dare talking about his father not showing him "The Big Stuff"... We then see He-Man locking the sword on a Status Field... I'm sure it should have been a Stasis Field... Something something only those with He-Man's Bloodline can unlock the sword... blah blah blah. We know they're setting this up for Dare to pick up the sword.

Orko is carrying a book of Sir-Loser-Lot... Not so subtle Foreshadowing... And we meet the He-Ro: Son of He-Man Rejects squad: Whoopie cushion, Jai alai guy! Albino Teela Wannabe. S&M Ram Man, and Gimp-E-Faces! Orko remarks: "Who would dare attack Eternia now?"

Next Page, Attack happens. They tried to put a four months later to distance Orko from the phrase, but it was on the page before. So basically Orko opened his mouth and screwed all up!
Despara comes in with an army of Skelcons AND the Zombie Skeletor... Seriously, he has a Scareglow-like arm that Jai alai guy chops off! Not only that but Derpara has him on a Leash... LITERALLY!! Also Skeletor has learned Zombienglish. He has riveting lines such as "Guh?"  or "RAAAGGGHHHH!"
Adora is rambling on about Hordak being her father and how He-Man twisted things and Killed Hordak. There's something about fighting for 10 years in a battle arena.
He-Man being a tattletale points towards Skeletor as the culprit of Hordak's death. So Adora decapitates the Zombie Skeletor that she revived with the Cosmic Enforcers...
Makes no sense, right?

Dare grabs the sword and then By the Power of Daddy, I have the name of some dude in the past!
He Hulk jumps into the battle and DOES NOTHING!! Despara touches the sword and Horde Prime's Soul leaves her body.

If it was Horde Prime all along, why all this Adora babbling about Hordak? Why didn't he use Adora to "Revive" The Empire...  Orko captures Horde Prime in a Trollan Soul Catcher Spell... Do Trollans lose their souls THAT OFTEN that they NEED to have a Soul Catcher Spell?
Now that Despara was purged we get Nearly Naked She-Ra asking for her man... Sadly, it's not Bow, but the Bow-Wannabe.
Not saying that Neitlich is Misogynistic, but once again: He-Man's Equal was turned evil, could not snap out of it herself until she touched her Nephew's Phallic Symbol. She doesn't ask where she is, but instead asks where is her man. Not saying Misogyny, but Misogyny...

Well, what can I say here...


Scott Neitlich blew up Castle Grayskull...
SCOTT NEITLICH BLEW UP CASTLE GRAYSKULL!!
Let that sink in for a moment... The ancient Fortress of Power and Mystery where Teela currently resides as the Sorceress is no more... Teela may be dead since she was not outside the castle when it blew up!

What could wipe off the horrible aftertaste of Grayskull blowing up? SKELETEEN and the UN NAMED ONE!!
We end up with a Stan Lee-inspired paragraph talking about time travel, Illumina and stuff.

Then we have Neitlich using Scrollos to make fun of the fans followed by a lame joke on how Teela got her staff... Closed by another jab at the fans! Dick move, Neitlich...

The only saving grace is the art. The writing stinks and the writer should never be allowed to write comics!

odds and ends 3/14/15 Buffy, He-Man, Westeros, Spidey

Xander Harris, Sunnydale's most badass normal human, played by Nicholas Brendon...

Well, seems that Mr. Brendon has gotten in trouble and there's no Buffy to save the day... He was arrested for trashing a Hotel Room. Not the first time he's done this...
Disappointing.

Neitlich should not quit his day job to become a comic book writer...
Read the Oo-Larr mini comic (which I'll discuss with more detail on an upcoming COTFO and a a rant) but without spoiling anything else... IT SUCKS ASS! the saving grace is the artwork.
How bad is it? Well look at the pic on the left and tell me.

Do you feel the love?
That's the Neitlichverse for ya!
Now you understand why the Neitlichverse makes me sick!

Stupidity sense tingling! The Spectacular Spider-Man, aka the SECOND REBOOT in less than 15 years of Spider-Man supposedly has a director and may have an Ironman Cameo... That's not the stupid thing.

The Stupid thing is the rumors about trying to please the SJW crew by changing Parker's race.
For the same reason that I don't want an Asian T'Challa or a Inuit Wonderman is why I do not want a non-white Peter Parker... I want my characters to resemble their comic book counterparts as close as humanly possible. People bitched about the Cat on the first Hunger Games having the wrong fur color. Changing the main character's race or gender  because "Social Justice" IS WRONG! Yes, we should have more minorities, but not at the expense of taking established characters and switching them with minorities. Remember that this is coming from a person who by all intents and purposes would be considered "a minority" in continental US.

Gerogie, slow ass R.R. Martin is STILL TRYING TO BUY TIME to not finish the books.
Some HBO Exec and GRRM seem to be pushing for 10 seasons and a movie. Seems that Georgie is forgetting that the Stark Children are growing... Just look at Maisie Williams... She'll be 18 on April 15th (she was 13-14 when the show started...) She'll be 23 by the time the show's over and Arya is supposed to be like 10... Just keep it at seven and Glue GRRM to the seat in front of his typewriter!

Dare is very likely to happen...

Dare: The infamous Son of He-Man. He made an appearance in the Un Named One mini Comic as He-Ro II there he was nothing more than a NA He-Man repaint with alternate forearms.

In the Mini Comic that comes with Oo-Larr, there is another appearance by Dare in his civilian outfit.

 Since I cannot post official comic art because, a) I don't have the comic and b)the small pic that spoils Dare is a bit fuzzy
I have posted a hastily made piss poor repaint of 200X Adam that spoils how MOTUC DARE would look.
Yes, Dare is a lame repaint of 200X Adam, while He-Ro II is a piss poor repaint of New Adventures He-Man.
Do you have any idea what this means? Well, a couple of things:
-We MAY get one of two versions of Dare... Pick your poison. Which version is the least original?
-We COULD get a twofer figure (like Marlena or Trap Jaw)
-Two heads + Two Armors + 1 Power Sword and we almost have the same amount of accessories as NA He-Man, which would keep Dare in the range of a Normal Figure (even if he's a twofer.)

He seems to be mostly reused parts, which is a good thing for Mattel.
Still, it's Freaking Dare and he'd be wasting a space that could have gone to far more deserving characters...
In any case you have been warned about him and what he could look like.

Despara: The Rant.

I'm strongly sided in team Despara for MOTUC. This is so far the only TRULY GOOD THING out of the NU52 MOTU. I'm HOPING that the 2015 Sub exclusive IS her... The reasoning behind wanting Despara is simple. Despara is the most intimidating form of Force Captain Adora.
This has nothing to do with Matt C. Kayser's amazing fanfic (though it helps out my desire for her)
Second: I can display both Despara and Adora and have a myriad of explanations for it.
(Adora battling her inner demon, the Despara title was given to another and now Adora has to end her "legacy", etc.)

Third: Despara would look so freaking sweet in a Horde Display.

Crazy thing is that Despara through the Classicizer Machine with heavy reuse is almost doable...
Heads: New (one based on the Adora mold but with ears and short hair. The other is based on her Hordak-esque Helmet.)
The Torso is obviously Battleground Teela's.
Armor and cape are new.
Shoulders: Scorpia
Biceps and Forearms are Adora's
the hands are the normal Female hands
The "Loincloth" would be a new piece
Her thighs would be Entrapta's and her shins Frosta's
Her Feet are Teela's and that gives us a Classicized Despara...

Of course, I'd welcome a Despara with more new pieces, but I can sacrifice a few Details for getting the figure.

With that said, I'm hoping that Despara ends up being the sub exclusive. Since Eldor is coming in October 2014, there is no real figure to fill in that role of "Sub Exclusive"... I mean, what? are we going to fill in that Slot with Oo-Larr: The Alcala He-Man?

An even MORE NAKED He-Man to fill in the slot of Sub Exclusive...
Really? He's not even THE He-Man in the MOTUC canon... Sorry Pre-Filmation fans, but having this guy as a sub exclusive at this stage of the game is not a great idea. Then there's the 2015 Mini Comic, which ties in with Gorpo's Mini comic, so another reason for Despara to be the Sub Exclusive.

I mean, there is a more horrible direction that Mattel could go with sub exclusives... Skeleteen, or Dare. (who I fear may sneak in the line if we're to believe Scott Neitlich)


around the one minute mark he mentions what the 2015 sub will have... Completing Vintage MOTU and Variants, Completing POP minus variants, key NA, Filmation, MYP, and MINI COMIC Characters.

Scott had mentioned before that Son of He-Man characters would most likely be 2016 items...Since there is no 2016 now, I expect Dare and Skeleteen to show up as the Chase item and Traveling Con item... In these slots they're not part of the sub which keeps the Vintage Wrap-up promise as true. Also they are the most A-List characters of the He-Ro: son of He-Man era. Scott DID say something about giving us A-Listers from other eras, which also covers Dare and Skeleteen. (who happen to be the only two missing figures from that era, since we have KHM, Spector, SLL, Demo-Man, and Gorpo) Well, I don't have a King He-Man since I didn't do the Full 2013 sub, but you get the idea.

I don't KNOW if it'll be Despara, but she seems the Optimum Candidate for Sub Exclusive... That's not counting the whole (84 vs 85 being She-ra's true "birthyear" and making 14 or 15 her true 30th.)

Well, there is always Songster, who I'd totally welcome, but he has No Chance in Hell...

It's a shame that Spector and Laser-Lot had to be made in 2012

Hoo-Boy! I'm on yet another Spector Rant... 2 years later. Hey! I also included Sir-Laser-Lot to spice up things!
Like the title says: It's a shame that they had to be made in 2012 when a LOT of new parts that would have made those figures cooler hadn't been made!
Let's start with Sir-Laser-Lot:
I've often said that Man-E-Faces Shoulders with Trap Jaw Biceps would have given him a more Knightly Look. Well, Extendar's thighs would have helped him a LOT More. Not to Mention Standor's Loincloth.

Why those Pieces? Simple: The Thighs, Shoulders and Biceps are more armored, which helps break the He's wearing Blue Tights look. The Standor Loincloth looks more knightly and breaks off the Tights look. Less Superman, more Badass Laser Knight.
I tried to keep him close to Johns' figure, but some tiny changes did wonders to that character (IMO). Going Full Knight with more Extendar pieces would make SLL a lame Extendar repaint.

Spector is another character who would have benefited from post 2012 parts. I've talked a LOT about why Spector fails in past rants. Not going to tread the Mary Sue waters, but I will retread the Deadpoolness of him.

Let's start with the body. Once Again, Eliminating the Appearance of Wearing Tights on him is the first step to "remove the Deadpool" out of Spector. The easiest way to do so is teching out the body. Also, Axing the Trap Jaw Legs! It would be easy adding Roboto's biceps and calling it a day. Spector is already asymmetrical, so let's enhance the Asymmetry a bit more. For his left arm (the one with the key) let's add some more Armored Hi-tech Arm... Translation: Flipshot's Bicep. For the right Arm, I used the Roboto Forearm because if his suit is high tech due to time travel, let's emphasize the tech aspect of it. Hiding it in a "wearing tights" look doesn't scream High tech. For the Post 2012 Pieces, I'm using NA Skeletor's legs due to the cyber parts attached to them.
The Only NEW Piece would be the new Armor/Harness for Spector which eliminates the cumbersome Leg Holster for the gun and Ammo belt on the leg. Also it has some more "Tech bits" on the torso to emphasize the whole High Tech look for a Time Traveler. At the same time I tried to stay as close as possible to Neitlich's creation.
Swapping the Lower Torso for the Hordak Flat Abs helps sell the "Armored" Look for the body better than the Normal Ab piece.

Now the remaining Piece I swapped was Blade's Right Forearm. There is a simple reason for that piece. The two Little Barbs on the back part of it remind me a bit of Batman.

With all that said, there's a bunch of people who believe that you CAN'T MAKE Spector or Loser-Lot cool no matter what. I kinda agree with them from a canonical point of view and also with the parts that they had back then. (I did  try over 50 variations of Spector Redesigns and variants for kicks.)

I feel it sucks that the year that MOTU had a great celebration with a Create a Character contest, we did NOT had access to a LOT of the pieces we have now. (also it sucks that I couldn't participate on it, otherwise I would have sent at least 10 entries)

I did not touch Cy-Chop because he is nearly impossible to make cool. Photog, well he needed to be as is since the 80s contest and all that and Draego, well, The Horsemen KNEW what they were doing.