Dec 29, 2009

You call that a Secret Identity?

Secret Identities are meant to protect one aspect of a Person's life. Usually Superheroes are the ones that have them. Some of these are REALLY stupid.

Now the Worst Offenders:
Adam of the House of Randor
Yes I am talking about that Adam. Prince of Eternia, Defender of the Secrets of Castle Grayskull.

All he does is take off his clothes and get a tan... A Magic Lightning induced tan... That's how he becomes HE-MAN, THE ONLY MAN WITH A GREEN TIGER IN ETERNIA... aside from Prince Adam of course... There is no real point for Adam to keep his ID secret. Skeletor was already bent on destroying Adam's family long before he became He-Man.
But he's not the only offender in the House of Randor...

Adora, Adam's long lost twin sister is an even bigger offender than Adam... The Princess of Power Herself... She-Ra is no one other than the Former Force Captain of the Evil Horde, Adora.

A Tiara and more cleavage shown... She's also wearing a mini skirt... Which is kinda pointless since Adora showed more leg... But the Evil Horde is mostly male, so the more cleavage helps covering the secret... Why didn't she get a tan like He-Man's?

Usagi Tsukino

Another case of Tiara and mini skirt is enough to distract people from noticing the secret. This also applies to the rest of the Sailor Senshi, but I'm not gonna go into a fully detailed rant about each of them. Long story short: Usagi Tsukino is Sailor Moon. As in the Magical Girl who kills the evil monsters with the Power of Love... (After the Other Senshi have weakened them... Or the occasional Intervention of Tuxedo Kamen.) I mean how many Blonde Japanese girls use that silly hairstyle?

Miley Stewart

Miley, Miley, Miley... You fooled me once until I figured out that Hannah Montana was a Disnified verion of...

Jem! Now that was Truly Truly Outrageous. I still can't believe that I was fooled by the Hannah wig... Now that I know the secret I feel so stupid... Also she's the only one who is not a Hero... Jem had an orphanage... He-Man, She-Ra and Sailor Moon save their worlds on an almost daily basis... What makes Hannah/Miley a hero?
Nope... Nothing comes to mind... Except that Miley Cyrus thinks that Twilight is evil., but then again a lot of people already think that. I'm talking about the character, not the actress so that doesn't count...

Speaking of Stupid here's El Queso Grande, The Big Boss, Il Numero Uno!!

You guessed it, The Number one spot on Stupid Secret Identities is...
SUPERMAN!!! I mean GLASSES!? That's THE most stupid disguise ever... A wig, a magic tan, Anything is better than GLASSES!!
Well that's enough for my stupid disguises rant...

*Gasp!* Tuxedo Kamen-sama!!

Get out of here!!! Yes, Tuxedo Kamen... He's ripping off Superman's lame disguise! But at least he'll have something to wear for the Prom...
There you go the Top 5 Stupid Secret Identities ever...

Dec 20, 2009

Dec. 2009: Odds and Ends

There is a bunch of stuff that I wanna ramble about, but it's too short to write a full Article. Now with the Odds and Ends I can bunch up little stuff into one big rant.

Some of you have pointed out that my long Twilight rant was missing something: The whole Midnight Sun mess... Well since I DID promise to talk about it here it is:
Midnight Sun mess in a nutshell: Twilight (The First Book) Re-Hashed as a new book. The only difference Is that we would be reading Mr. Sparkly's point of view... (I don't know but I'd rather know what the Hell was Edward doing during New Moon than reading through Twilight again...) In theory it sounds cool. Unfortunately (or Fortunatley) someone leaked parts of one of the SMeyer Midnight Sun manuscripts. This caused Stephenie Meyer to throw a hissy fit and can the project. She was so angry taht she was going to kill the Cullens in the first book, thus creating a parallel world in which The other three books never happened and wasting the readers' time and money... and there is someone to blame... FAIRY GODPARENTS!!

Steven Seagal: Lawman... Still sucks! The show definetely is an Ego-Self-Pleasuring-Device for Steven Seagal. As a matter of fact the show is starting to make me DISLIKE Steven Seagal...

Christmas Specials... I HEART CHRISTMAS!! Christmas Specials on the other hand, not so much. I know that it's the season to be Jolly and all that, but sometimes TV shows and movies take it too far. Especially if they can spawn this:

Wait... Are you watching the same thing as I am? Is this TMNT or Cool Runnings?
On the Other hand they also gave us this...

Now THAT is awesome...

Now enjoy Christmas... If you don't celebrate it, then enjoy whatever you DO celebrate...

Dec 14, 2009

Hey kids It's Mark Hamill!! {APPLAUSE}

You probably know Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker... The son of "Annie" Skywalker, a.k.a. the emo kid who became Darth Vader. Oops! I've spoiled Star Wars for you... Yes Luke Skywalker, the Last Jedi on Star Wars. (Technically Luke was not really a Jedi, but all of the other Jedi Masters/ Sith were dead by the end of Return of the Jedi... we must assume that either Luke or Anakin are the Jedi who was Returning... I think that Anakin was the one returning, but I digress...)

Now don't worry, Luke... I won't make fun of you for being an idiot... I'm not gonna mention any of the following:
-How you turned off the aiming system to fire the shots that blew up the 1st Death Star. That's as intelligent as closing your eyes before changing lanes and hoping that God will guide you.
-I'm not going to mention how you ignored Yoda's teachings and warnings when you went to Bespin.
Thank you Admiral Ackbar.

-I swear I won't talk about your "Jedi Master" plan to save Han Solo in which everyone got captured. (By Master I mean IDIOT!!!)

I shall talk about the guy that plays Luke... Mark Hamill.

The Guyver... What can I say. It's one of the few American made attempts at Live Action Anime. It's not good (The Sequel Dark Hero is better... Solid Snake is the Guyver on GII:DH.) The only memorable scene of the first Guyver movie is this one right here... Hey kids It's Mark Hamill!!! {APPLAUSE} being turned into a giant cockroach...{APPLAUSE}

Hey kids! It's Mark Hamill!! {APPLAUSE} Here he's playing The Trickster. He managed to brainwash the Flash on this Episode (The Flash is none other than Dawson's dad...)

Hey Kids It's Mark Hamill!! {APPLAUSE} playing the Trickster in animated form... Funny thing, The Flash is played by the guy who plays Lex Luthor in Supes' creek... I mean Smallvile. The Trickster is NOT the only role Mark Hamill has played on the DC Universe.

Hey Kids It's Mark Hamill! {APPLAUSE!} as the Joker. Heath Ledger Scmeath Smedger... The best Joker is Mark Hamill.

Hey Kids It's Mark Hamill's voice {Applause} Mark's Joker is practically THE Joker.
Mark's done some roles on Marvel related stuff too... He's played Hobgoblin in Spider-man The animated Series and Wolverine in the game X-2: Wolverine's revenge.

I'm not going to use the gag I've overused on the article since it comes from here... BTW This is the FOURTH movie in which Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher have been together... (and it's not a Star Wars movie.)

That's about it on Mark Hamill. He's done a lot of odd jobs on the industry. It's always a pleasure to see him spicing up whatever project he is in... Especially if he's playing the Joker...

Dec 10, 2009

Talk shows...

Maury Povich... I miss his show. It's a shame that Maury is no longer shown on Puerto Rico.
I used to watch Maury whenever I was sick during High School and whenever I had a chance during college.

It was an elightening experience, but predictable. (at times a bit disturbing.) I liked the show cause of it's predictability. Now I'll present a list of the 5 most recurring themes on Maury. (usually what they showed on a week.)

5- (Monday): I'm the mother of an incredibly obese baby...

Good God! what the Hell are these people thinking!? 84 pound 3 year old! Why the Hell hasn't child services taken away the kids from these abusive parents!? Honestly people like this shouldn't reproduce...

4- (Tuesday)My daughter sleeps with everything that has a, you know...

Ah the one with the little horny tween/teen episode, not to be confused with the tween/teen who breaks everything up, is growing up to be one of America's Most Wanted and needs to go to boot camp in order to become an upstanding citizen.

3- (Wednesday)Help! I've slept with an entire town and I don't know who's the father of my child!

This one usually aired either the day before the network aired a horny tweens episode. Basically Women who slept with many men and didn't have a clue to who the father was. The crowd (and Maury) were usually on the ladies' side. Until Mr. Povich said the magic words...
You are NOT the father...

2- (Thursday) The ones with tween/teens who break everything up, are growing up to be on America's Most Wanted and need to go to boot camp in order to become upstanding citizens. (There are some horny tween/teens here but thisones are violent.)

1- (Friday) Wild card. This is where predictability is thrown out the window. Anything goes, from a midget trying to marry a giant, to people who are afraid of popsicles. Wild card day on Maury is home of the strangest events on the show.

See? One day its Jack Hanna, promoting his love of animals (or any other random "celebrity", the next "wild card day" is one of the odd couples episodes, the next one is a weird phobia, sometimes it's a recap of the previous themes (wild kids, who's the daddy,etc.).

There is one talk show that I miss more than the Maury show...
Can you feel the electricity in the air, the foul smell of betrayal mixed with blood while an audience cheers on? If you close your eyes and open your ears you might hear a faint solemn chant turning into a ferocious battle cry... Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
The Jerry Springer show! The trashiest tlak show on television (albeit a tamer version of what tJSs used to be.) I do miss that a lot!

It's a shame that Springer isn't what it used to be... and that it's not available on Puerto Rico. They say TV rots the mind, well these two guys made sure that my brains were undesirable to a zombie...

Dec 7, 2009

Apple Holding is harder than it looks

Oh... Twilight, twilight, twilight... You have given us so much. Sparkling Vampires, an uninteresting Mary Sue main character, Native American Werewolves who fall in love with babies, Vampyr Baseball...

Also you've given us the Twihards. Oh my gosh! The Twihards... How can I put this lightly without resorting to the cliché swapping the h in hard for a T...

Ok Here We Go!!
I understand how the books and movies have an appeal with certain audiences. What I do not get is the borderline crazy grudges that the Twihards get with anyone who does not worship Edward, or Jacob... (More on Team Edward vs. Team Jacob later on.)

First of all, Twilight's target audience seems to be tweens and teenage girls. Yet Twilight has some dark undertones that are harmful for said audience.
Stalking: Edward does this pretty much in the entire series.
Pedophilia: Edward is about 100 years old, Bella is 17-19. Jacob is 15-18 and Renesmee is a newborn child.
Necrophilia: No matter how you put it Edward is DEAD!!
Bestiality: Jacob is a wolfman, Renesmee is (half)human... Two different species and Jacob wants to tap that.

Sure there is the positive theme of Abstinence, but that is overshadowed by the more disturbing parts!!

They are so beautiful...

Now the Twihards seem to be focused on how Beautiful Edward and Jacob are. They viciously defend their beloved Twilight to the point of making threats and some of them even act upon these threats of physical violence against people who do not bow down to the "awesomeness" that is Twilight.

Just do a Twilight search on youtube. The twihards go berserk whenever an anti-Twilight video shows up.
One group that I find disturbing is the "twilightmoms". As in grown up women who root for "Jacob or Edward". Can't they see them for what they really are... Monsters... Chick flick versions of monsters who seduce children...
Another creepy group is the male twihards...

Not all male Twihards want to be Bella. I bet some of the more obbessed ones have done this while listening to Decode and danced to their Life size Edward cardboards cut out.

This little feud is almost like having to choose between dying by a gunshot to the head or decapitation. Both are EVIL!!

Jacob: The werewolf who tries to get in Bella's pants by playing the BFF/Rebound guy, when that fails he takes a more aggressive stance, after that fails he goes for Bella's daughter... Furry-Pedo alert!!

Edward: He is a stalker. Overprotective, drove Bella into a suicidal streak after dumping her. Let's not forget that the guy is UNDEAD and old enough to be Bella's grandfather...
So Girls should dream of a sparkling pedophile stalker who will abuse them mentally.

These are the guys these tweens are dreaming of. Stephenie Meyer is one sick puppy. To think that all of this was spawned from a Dream...

Now for some Celebrities and their alliance:
Selena Gomez (Disney): Team Jacob (but She wants to choose both)
Demi Lovato (Disney): Both
AJ McLean (Backstreet Boys): Team Edward
Joe Jonas (Jonas brothers): Team Edward
Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan): Team Jacob
Miley Cyrus (Disney): thinks it's a cult and evil!!

Now for Fictional Characters and their sides on Twilight...
First on the List...
Lord Voldemort: Team Jacob (obvious reasons)
Prince Adam of Eternia: Team Jacob
Master Splinter: Team Edward
Squall Leonheart: ..... Go talk to a wall...(Team Edward)
Lion-O: Team Jacob
Dracula: Team Dracula. "Edward is a sissy creature not fit to carry the title vampire. He(Edward) sparkles like a fairy and does not drink human blood."
Solid Snake: I would've ****** Bella's brains out the first night in her room... Team Snake!!
Raiden: I sparkle, Edward sparkles so it's obvious who my guy is...

I had to ask fictional guys because Fitcional girls behave like real girls when Twilight is involved. I wanted to avoid catfights, especially ones that I could get hurt, because they involve superhuman characters...

In a nutshell, Twilight isn't awful, but it isn't good either. I do not mind it's fans (the sane ones), but what I despise is the TwiHARDS... As in the ones who are overprotective of this glorified fanfiction/ tween porn story. (I fear what will this rant do to the ads on the blog.)

Don't get me started on the whole Bella/Edward relationship is being mixed with the Kristen/Rob relationship... We all saw Benniffer I and how that ended up... I do not care if the actors who play Bella and Edward want to hump their brains out... Stop bringing that into twilight... Because between the "Bella looks liek a stonar and teh edwardzz must marry me!" and the "bella izz a stupidz hore for flirting wiht teh jacubzz" I don't care that Kristen may look like a stoner, Jacob looks like Sharkboy... Or Edward looks like Cedric Diggory... or that they are or aren't H-O-T-T!!!1!!! lol, rofl

Yup, Kristen Stewart looks like that stoner on the pic... waitaminute Kristen Stewart IS the stoner on the pic... Now we'll get Twihards getting high while waiting for their beloved Edward...

This inability to separate fact from fiction that many twihards suffer is scary.

Look at what Twilight fans have caused. People need to put signs on trees for them to back off...

Another thing that annoys me is that Twilight now has a spot on Comic Con. (Geek haven is now infested with Twihards. They ridicule the geeks and now they pollute their mecca. All because of Edward and Jacob...) Ugh! Now other panels must suffer because of the bloated mass of tweens and moms screaming for Edward and Jacob (they can't seem to remember that those guys they lust for are actors playing said characters...NOT the characters.) Some of them do lust for the actors, but I'm pretty certain that a High percentage does lust for the characters.

Thanks to twilight we've got tweens/teenagers and grown women waiting for their abusive Sparkling Peter Pan. STOP IT!! Learn to be independent women! It's fine to get a nice guy, but Edward or Jacob ARE NOT NICE... They aren't the bad boy either... They are MONSTERS who stalk and prey on the innocent. This is the opposite of Beauty and the Beast... There is no beauty within the beastly exterior... Only a monster inside the pretty shell...

Hopefully this will be the last article on Twilight for a long, long time. Don't get me wrong I dont' HATE Twilight, but I don't LOVE it either. The first book and movie are not THE greatest thing ever. They are rather bad, but bearable. The story has potential, but it is based on Stephenie Meyer's dream, so most of the story's faults lie in the author. The biggest problem that Twilight has is it's fandom.

Stealth, Misdirection, Assassination... Ninja Time!!

Ninjas. The silent assassins from Japan. They are a huge part of Popular Culture... Unfortunately they've got a bad rap.

Thanks to this obnoxious, loudmouth, non stealthy bright colored clothes wearing brat, Uzumaki Naruto. Who happens to be a ninja... Ugh!
Ninjas are awesome! They are everywhere! From Toylines like GI Joe (Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, Kamakura), or He-Man (Ninjor). Videogames like Street Fighter (Geki, Vega, Ibuki), Final Fantasy (Shadow, Yuffie), Ninja Gaiden (Ryu Haybusa). Also they are in Comic Books like X-Men (Shadowcat, Elektra), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (The turtles, Splinter, Shredder, The Foot). They obviously appear in anime, Ninja Scroll, Naruto, etc. Ninjas are here to stay...

Back in the 80s Ninjas were very Popular...

See I'm not kidding we even got an American Ninja...

But the Ninjas always get their revenge... Believe it!!

Even the Immortal Connor MacLeod has some ninja troubles from time to time...

Now Ninja Assassin revolutionizes the Ninja movie genre by adding tons of CGI blood and gore effects. I am not here to talk about Ninja Assassin or any other Ninja movie. This was just a little background info on the silent but deadly ninja's role in movies. Now without further ado I give you the Top 10 movies that would've been better with Ninjas:

10)-Jurassic Park: Sure the movie had mutant dinosaurs and a bunch of scientists trying to survive the rampage of these prehistoric creatures. Add some killer ninjas trying to steal the secret to Hammond's Dinosaurs and you've got an action packed movie that makes Michael Bay look lke a director from those Livetime movies.
09)-Jaws: A great white shark terrorizing a beach town. Seems ok, but all the deaths happen on the water. Throw ninjas to the mix and we'd have an amazing epic between Nature's best Aquatic Predator vs, man's best killing machine. Suiton no Jutsu might not be enough for our Japanese assassin.
08)-Terminator Salvation: The movie wasn't that great. I already said that in a previous article. Having ninjas battling Skynet would've been 1000 times better than seeing Bale barking over the radio and moping while listeningto Linda Hamilton. Also the Ninjas would've turned that Marcus chump into scrap metal in the first five minutes of the movie.
07)-Any of the _____ of the dead movies: Ninjas + Zombies = Pure win... especially if you get Zombie Ninjas!!! (I'm getting tired of the zombie hookers.)
06)-Titanic: I know that in the real Titanic event there were no ninjas, but if Michael Bay can make the Americans win the Pearl Harbor Battle; having njas on the Titanic isn't that farfetched. The ninjas would've killed the Iceberg long before the sailors would've seen it. Hundreds of lives would've been saved on that night if ninjas has been on board.
05)-Silence of the Lambs, just imagine a Ninja Buffalo Bill...
04)-The Chronicles of Narnia: If the ninjas had been there instead of those kids, Aslan would've not have needed to play Jesus and die.
03)- Rocky V: Sure we wouldn't have had Rocky Balboa but Rocky 5 wouldn't have sucked as much.
02)- Scarface: Ninja Tony baby!! I guess that's the movie version taht the gangsta rappers must own... the one where Tony wins.
01)-A Walk in the Clouds: The ninjas would've saved the whole grape farm without losing a single grape...

I know what you're thinking no Twilight or Hannah Montana in those lists!?
Of course they would be better with ninjas, but I decided to use other movies that neede ninjas lot more. Now for the top ten movies that not even ninjas could save:
10)- Three Ninjas movies: Kids and Ninjas do not mix. No matter how anime makes them cool.
Th first movie was ok. It was a blatant rip off of TMNT and Home Alone. They even announce it proudly on the movie's cover.
09)-Surf Ninjas: Once again, Ninjas + Kids = Not good. Also being a mega product placement advertisement for the battery guzzling Game Gear is not good for a movie.
08)-DoA: Not even the great Kane Kosugi could save this movie from sucking... Mostly because the movie is just an excuse to show some T&A without showing T&A.
07)-Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li. Bad plot, Bad acting, bad casting. This movie is just bad... A bishonen is supposed to be beautiful. Taboo is not a bishonen...
06)-Mortal Kombat Annihilation: Having all of the MK ninjas didn't save this movie from sucking. Nightwolf and the Animality helped a lot on the suckitude scale.
05)-Dragon Ball Evolution: Mai being a ninja that could shapeshift was the first wrong in the multiple wrongs that never made a right in DB:e
04)-Elektra: The Daredevil Sequel without Daredevil. Reviving a dead character works in comics... in movies not so much. Taking names of Marvel characters and placing them on compeltely different characters a good movie it does not make.
03)-TMNT: The CGI pseudo sequel to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies. It wouldn't have sucked if the plot had followed, say, THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES instead of drifting off into a plot of catching 13 monsters and some stone generals...
02)-American Ninja sequels: They just got cornier to the point of parody... but then again Ninja movies are not known for their great story telling.
01)-Enter the Ninja (Revenge of the Ninja and Ninja III: the Domination): Just watch this clip form Revenge of the Ninja:

Alright most ninja movies from the 80s are cheesy, but I've said before that I'm a sucker for martial arts flicks.Thats why I keep looking for new Martial Arts movies... Now I need to find Ninja Cheerleaders... (Ninjas, Strippers, George Takei... enough said)

Eh... This ninja's better.

Dec 6, 2009

Pale hands holding an apple the movie

As promised part II of the Twilight Review... This time I'm tackling Twilight: The movie...

Now that we've got the background music, Let's begin:

Remember in part one when I said that the apple holding made it to the movie... Around the part where I was making fun of the cover? Nope? Well here it is.

The Twilight movie in a nutshell:
Hyper simplify the Book, butcher the books best moments (and my favorite lines.), change the plot and pacing (partially), add a bit more of action that the book lacked... (probably to keep awake the Twihards' boyfriends, brothers, male BFs who were dragged to see the movie.) Unlike the book the movie takes a bit longer to spoil the truth behind vampires...
To find the secret in the book all you had to do was look at the back of the book... (which you would normally do to check the price of the book.)
The following is a quote from the back cover (and an excerpt from the book itself)
About three things I was Absoulutely positive.
First, Edward was a vampire.
Way to go Back cover... The secret thaty takes over 100+ pages to discover, spoiled in the back cover...
That's like having on the back of the Saving Private Ryan DVD the following message: TOM HANKS DIES!!
Or how about renting Psycho and right on the back cover... Norman Bates is the killer. Thank you Blockbuster video for ruining that movie night...

Now back to the movie.
It grinds my gears that the movie ruined my favorite scene of the book. I'll quote the book's second and ninetieth page: Red font is Edward because Red is Vampirish and Bella will be blue because Blue ryhmes with Mary Sue and that defines Bella perfectly.
"Please tell me just one little theory." His eyes still smoldered at me.
"Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?" Was he a hypnotist too? Or was I just a hopeless pushover.
"That's not very creative," he scoffed.
"I'm sorry, that's all I've got." I said, miffed.
"You're not even close," he teased.
"No spiders?"
"And no radioactivity?"
"Dang," I sighed.
"Kryptonite doesn't bother me, either," he chuckled.

The movie version falls flat compared to the book. Another part that I felt that the movie screwed up was the meadow scene. Why? Probably because in the book that scene wasn't too strong (and is the most important scene in the book, the onewhere Edward shows off his radiance.)

"Liek where izz teh sparkul?"
"CG effect... duh!"
"Liek teh Rob Pattinson duzn't sparkul liek teh Edwardzz?"
"Nope. Now leave me alone!"

I've rambled a bit and went a bit out of my way to add a "Vampires and Rob P. don't sparkle"
Now back to the movie. The movie has the same problems as the book. (Bella being an uninteresting Mary Sue type of character, Edward being Too Flawless, the very simple plot.) but by changng the pacingit feels a bit better. The appearance of the "evil vampires" is not so out the left field in the movie than it is on the book. (get it, left field, Sparkling vamps play baseball... Ah I kill myself sometimes...) The movie shows them early on as a threat. Another thing that grinded my gears about the movie is the Stephenie Meyer cameo.

I know what you're thinking...
"But Nefty, aren't you one who goes around praising Stan Lee Cameos?"
Yeah! But there is a difference. We don't see Stan Lee dressed up as Spider-man or the Fantastic Four. Although Stephenie Meyer isn't dressed like Bella, little sparkling vamp loving Bella IS an idealized version of Stephenie Meyer. (I covered that in part one. I'll refresh your memory just in case.)
S. Meyer Vs Movie Bella Swan:
-unpopular girls in school
-both have vegan tendencies
-both dream of Edward.

In the movie cameos Stan Lee isn't writing comic books, while Stephenie is probably leaking Midnight Sun online in order to gauge her own popularity... (looks like someone is trying to out Ego Steven Seagal...)
"But Stan Lee's had multiple cameos in multiple movies?"
True, but; How old are Stan's works? 30 to 40-something years.
Twilight's just 3-4 years old. It would be like J.K. Rowling making cameos in all of the Harry Potter movies.
The thing that angers me the most is that the True action of the scene is happening ON THE BACKGROUND while Stephenie has her Cameo.

In a scale 1-5, getting a 1= Uwe Boll is ashamed of your failure and 5 = one of the BEST MOVIES EVER!! Twilight gets a:
Not the worst movie ever, it's kinda bearable, but it's mostly bad chick flick fluff. (I'm partially immune to fluff... I can watch Jem, My Little Pony, Rainbow Brite, AND the Care Bears if I survived Twilight. Book and Movie)
As a Vampire movie: Twilight fails off the scale... - 5
Part 3 the Phenomenom... Twihards vs Haters, Team Jacob vs. Team Edward, Midnight Sun, the whole enchilada...

Dec 4, 2009

Chuck Norris is not Steven Seagal.

Chuck Norris... The awesomest man on Earth. You've probably heard of the Chuck Norris facts like:
-If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, he has more money than you.
-Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
or my personal favorite:
-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris, He's fought a Bear, WWE Wrestlers... He's done everything.

I also have not forgotten his Karate Kommandos

They really should do a Live Action movie of this show... Stephen Sommers on the director's chair... I can see it now...
C'mon! Chuck Norris is so awesome that even Jonathan Brandis had him as an immaginary friend...

Seriously, Chuck Norris is Awesome...

He fought BRUCE LEE!! And as you can see in the video this was back when Chuck was Green and didn't have his full Chuck Face... He is lacking his beard.
Chuck Norris - Beard = Superman wearing Green Kryptonite clothing.
I did make a joke about Chuck Norris and bloated ego on my Steven Seagal rant.
I do apologize, since Chuck isn't as arrogant as Steven Seagal, but Sidekicks DID feel like a gigantic ego stroking Machine for Chuck. It's not like Chuck Norris is promoting Excercise machines...

Ok, so Chuck DID promote an Excercise machine... He's a Martial Arts Master. Just roll the Mountain Dew clip!

Chuck Norris is Awesome... Why? Is it Karate Kommandos? Is it the 456 Delta Force Movies and the 536 Missing in Action movies? Or is it Walker, Texas Ranger?
Maybe it's his rugged looks or something... I have no Idea, maybe it's the Facts...
Whatever the reason, it's good that Chuck Norris hasn't been forgotten and does not need to make a reality show about his daily job.

Dec 3, 2009

He might not be Above the Law but he IS Out for Justice

See what I did there? I made reference to two Steven Seagal movies... So you've already guessed that I'm gonna randt about Steven Seagal: Lawman. I love Steven Seagal movies. He's so badass even if the movies are pretty much predictable. Some might say that they're my guilty pleasure. So, I decided to watch SS:LM and what I found was NOT:

Instead I got THIS:

It kinda looks like a set from one of those Post-Executive Decision Seagal Movies. The low budget Deirect to DVD movies that Seagal has becomed accustomed to appear in these last few years. Well it isn't. THAT IS STEVEN SEAGAL IN HIS POLICEMAN UNIFORM FIGHTING CRIME!!

Here's the preview of the show... It kinda looks like COPS with Steven Seagal in it.

Cops is an awesome show, Out for Justice is an awesome movie. Steven Seagal: Lawman should be like the Reese's Peanut Butter cups (a perfect marriage of Peanut Butter and Chocolate...) of Police shows. Unfortunately, the show is 5/6 stroking Steven Seagal's massively bloated ego. Every chance Seagal gets, he rants about his Martial Arts prowess and how that has helped him to be a super cop these last 20 years. At the shooting range he boasts about his MA mad skillz that make him a super marksman, while trying to help a fellow officer of the law to improve his aim... The funniest part is how the other cops are always shocked that people want STEVEN SEAGAL'S autograph. They are able to forget that Steven Seagal is a Martial Arts practicioner/Movie star...
Oh please! It's STEVEN SEAGAL!! They are always showing some Seagal Movie on USA, TNT, TBS,or Spike almost every weekend. If Seagal has been a cop for 20 years, wouldn't his comrades notice his absences for WEEKS while making movies? Seagal keeps churning Direct to DVD movies AND going out on the street stopping crime. HIS FELLOW OFFICERS FORGET THAT HE'S A MOVIE STAR? Unless they spend all of their free time watching chick flicks or Hannah Montana... (I had to sneak her in somehow... Besides making a Hannah Reference is better than talking about Mr. Sparkly...) Do these cops not notice the Camera crew going AFTER Steven Seagal?

I haven't seen that much ego stroking since...

Chuck Norris...

Can we say big ego...
Maybe it was just a first episode thing. I'll see a couple more and if this Seagal Ego self pleasuring thing keeps going on, I'll stop watching...

Dec 1, 2009

Do we really need Salvation?

Terminator Salvation, that is...
The fourth Movie in the Terminator Series. It's like a sequel/reboot of the franchise. (kinda like Star Trek) And the star of this Reboot is none other than Christian Bale!!

That IS Christian Bale in a dog suit... Or his voice over for the new character in the Cats and Dogs sequel...
There is no Cats and Dogs sequel... But Christian Bale's Acting in action movies is pretty much acting like an angry dog. That didn't help me to believe him as John Connor. (and that here we got Christian Bale in another reboot...)

Now that I've got my "Christian Bale is being overused and his Mad dog Barking should stop" rant out of the system let's get on to the movie.

I shall start with a little bit of simple math:
Terminator - James Cameron = EPIC FAIL!
You want Proof?
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Not only does that movie take a dump on the themes of the Previous Terminator films. (There is no fate unless we make it.) Now on the 3rd movie they say that the future is set in stone and there is nothing you can do to change it. You can delay it but it is inevitable. Pretty much saying that You've wasted your time watching Terminator and T2.

That pretty much explains the reaction to fans' complaints about T3:RotM

The only worthwhile scene of T:Salvation. Now you don't have to bother in watching this Terminator: in name only film.
Besides having Christian Bale as John Connor and lacking James Cameron at the Director's chair , I feel that Terminator Salvation failed as a Terminator movie in many ways:
-It didn't feel like a Terminator movie. For a movie set "in the Terminator Future" it didn't look like the "Terminator future". The depressing bluish hues from the "Terminator future" were not there.
-The Humans relied too heavily on machines to fight the machines. (Having airplanes, laptops with internet access clashes with the whole "Skynet took control of the world's entire network as it became self-aware." The Humans were supposed to be in a borderline low-tech mode while battling the machines.
-McG is a Poor man's Michael Bay. See Charlie's Angels and it's Sequel... Besides T:S of course...
-going down to PG-13, the movie HAD to be dumbed down in order to get more butts in the theatre.
Now for the ratings part: 1 = an abomination that came from Uwe Boll and 5 = Masterpiece.
as a movie: 3 It was kinda entertaining If I disassociated it from Terminator.
as a Terminator movie: 0.5 When the highest point in a Terminator movie is a CGI Arnold cameo, you've got some serious problems.

Please don't... unless James Cameron is in the Director's chair... Just stick to Governating...

Yeah! Stick to that... and I shall pray to Crom for the termination of the Terminator movies!

Nov 28, 2009

I removed the princess and the zone out of Twilight...

You unlock this door with the key of high school and vampire movie clichés. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of CW-esque Teen angst, a dimension of Vampires that sparkle on contact with the sun instead of burning to a crisp, a dimension of mindless fans. You're moving into a land of both shadow and little substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into the Twilight Zone... I mean Twilight Saga.

Yes I'm talking about Twilight. The Vampire love story by Stephenie Meyer that some people call her the J.K. Rowling of our Generation...

Seriously? The Harry Potter series isn't that old!

Now I'll post some excerpts from reviews that appear on the back of the book. (and my opinion about it...

"A New York Times Editor's choice." Ok so someone at the NYT likes Vampire/Highschool Dramas.

"An Amazon Best Book of the decade... So far" Really, Best Book of the Decade? I don't think so...

I read the book and there was no apple handholding... I felt ripped off.

(That image of the pale hands holding the apple makes it to the movie...)
They say never to judge a book by its cover, but... I'll let you judge.

The only REAL Apple reference in the book is this:

But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Genesis 2:17

A vampire story that starts off with a biblical reference... We've got a winner here... Random biblical references make everything awesome, deeper, and more philosophical... just look at half of the anime that comes to America.

The story is about this Teenage girl, (Isa)Bella Swan, who thinks that she is not popular and that she is different from every other teenage girl. (Gee I've never heard of this before... How about pretty much every teen movie!?) She moves from Phoenix Arizona to a Little Town in Washington called Forks. There she is the new kid in a small town High School. There she meets a student who happens to be a...


Girl falls in love with "vampire", "vampire" "struggles" with his nature and falls in love with her. Girl and "vampire" fight an "evil vampire" and go to prom... There is something about Werewolves, but that is for the sequel... That's pretty much Twilight in a nutshell.

Is it good? Is it bad? I'll just let the book speak for itself.

Excerpt from Page 89 (This is a whle after Bella was in an accident and Edward saved her life.)

After this scene (In the book it was better... but then again in the book things ARE always better...)

Without further ado the quote:

He chuckled. "What are your theories?"

I blushed. I had been vacillating during the last month between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker. There was no way I was going to own up on that.

Yay! Stephenie Meyer knows who Spider-Man and Batman are!! Bible references, Superhero references! This is the most super awesomest vampire/highschool love story ever!!!

But it seems as if I'm dodging the question. Maybe I am... maybe I'm not.

Alright, I'll answer it but before I can start You must see this video from the Motion Comic based on Stephenie Meyer, akaTwilight's Author.

I despise Mary Sue types in books. Guess who reeks of Mary Sue... I'll give you a hint, It rimes with smell a one! The story is told from Bella's point of view, but thankfully the book is easy to read. It feels a bit soapy, but High School Dramas tend to be soapy... The Vampire aspect would help a little if the vampires were more, I don't know VAMPIRELIKE!!

My vampires do not go sucking blood off-page. They do not sparkle like crystals in the sunlight, and THEY GET LAID!! (as vampires are a symbol of demonic possession, with undertones of sexuality, death, blood...) It's not AS bad as I expected, but it's nowhere close as being "best book of the year" much less "Best Book of the Decade so far..."

It's easy to read, I'll give it that. But at times it feels like I'm reading fan fiction. (This book shouldn't feel that way since the author who has a B.A. in English Literature...) I understand how teenage girls may find this book appealing. (the whole I'm different thing and falling for this special mega handsome dreamy older guy thing... Teenage girls swallow this up...I don't know why, but I find that creepy.)

I don't know, but I'd be kinda worried (if I was the parent of a Teenage girl) if she dreams of an older guy visiting her room at night so she can be safe. Especially if said guy is basically a symbol of hypersexuality... Also who the hell relives Highschool for nearly a hundred years!?

But then again these Twilight Vampires seem to not get laid... (on first book. I'll need to read the sequels to find out if they indeed do...)

So far this picture has more sex than the actual book. I'll post a Twilight Review Part II when I get to see the movie. (I need to know how much they butchered from the book in order to comment on the movie... I just hope that there is no Twilight videogame.)

If anyone knows what the Hell are they doing, please tell me... I don't want to make fun of Bella and Edward, but with these pictures is not hard to do... Is it me or does Bella look a lot paler than Edward...

Now the last unanswered Question, Team Jacob or Team Edward?

I'm not a teenage girl. I don't need to take sides, but If I were I'd put my money on Team Bella.

Let's recap the things we learned from Twilight:

-There are Vegetarian Vampires... (No they do not drink Honey and Tree sap. They drink non-human blood... That is just so damn funny!!! They don't drink human blood so they're vegetarians!!!)

-The Cullens enjoy reliving HighSchool again and again... Seriously? Going through Hischool once is a pain in the arse! But going at it over and over again, that's masochism.

-It's ok to watch highschool girls every move, even while they sleep. They like it.

-Edward is an almost 100 old virgin... who stalks Bella nearly 24/7.

-Vampires Sparkle!!!

In a scale of 1-5, 1 being waste of paper that Captain Planet should beat the crap out of the Author and 5 being the Next Shakespeare or Cervantes, twilight ranks a:


Why a two point five? I said it was easy to read, but at times it felt like fan fiction. The main character is an uninteresting Mary Sue type. It seems that Stephenie Meyer has no idea about what is a vampire. Most of the story is in a Q&A format. Sneaking in the title of the book a couple of times in the story is annoying. Whenever the word Twilight was mentioned in the story I stopped reading to giggle like an idiot and say "Oh! Oh! Oh! and there she snuck the title!!" (Yes I know that Twilight is the time in which the sun is hidden beneath the horizon yet there is some light on the sky.)

Nov 27, 2009

It's time to talk about Montana...

No... not Hannah... I'm gonna talk about Tony Montana, the third Scarface. (the first is Al Capone and Scarface II is Tony Camonte, who was the inspiration for the Cooban Political Refugee Tony Montana) And here comes the part where I put on a video clip of Tony...
Where de clip, men? Oyeme, you gotta put on de clip right now! okay?

Words of Wisdom. From a man who got that scar from eating... pineapple!

Yeah! you heard me! It was from eating... pineapple! Not eating other stuff...

He's a cool Cooban Political Refugee, men! He's the bad guy! played by none other than Al Pacino. Who was also Michael Corleone...

I said Al Pacino was Also Michael Corleone... That was a hint to put on a Godfather clip... Seriously, you've got to stop drinking coquitos before blogging...
Now back to Tony. Why am I ranting about Tony Montana?
Gangsta Rappers...
They all worship the guy! I know Tony Montana is cool and all that, but those guys worship him for the wrong reasons!! They just see a poor guy who rose to power and went on a crazy shopping spree because he has money. Pretty much every "self Respecting Gangsta rapper" has Scarface merchandise, posters, and they got hundreds of copies of the movie to play it in every TV in their houses.

I'm not sure which Scarface movie they're watching, cause the Scarface movie that I've seen tells the story of Tony Montana: His rise to power and HIS FALL FROM GRACE.
I'm not sure if these Gangsta rappers have seen the entire movie. But Tony loses everything because he let it get to his head. ( like most of these guys do...) They say they come from the streets. Are they Homeless? DO they live in intersections so they can be from the streets? The's a street in front of my home. So, am I from the street? Whoa! Gangsta existentialism... either I'm starting to see a deeper layer on the seemingly shallow world of Gangsta rap or I'm drunk... Remember kids, do NOT drink or drive... I better start playing some TMNT Smash up... Right after this article!!

The appeal of Tony (and his story) is that Tony is a tragic character. He is the bad guy, yet there is some charm and charisma in there. He tried to help his family, but he destroyed it by poisoning his little Gina with his world. He had honor for a criminal. He was likable, that's what can make people like Tony's character.

But he DIES IN THE END!!! Why? Because he thought he was invincible. He was corrupted by his power (and coke) so he never saw it coming... The same guy who the gangsta rappera idolize was killed because he was blinded by excess (as in the same ones the rappers have... You've all seen them on MTV Cribs) I don't mind that they like Scarface. I just hate it because of THIER (misguided) love of Scarface, everyone thinks that I LIKE Scarface because I wanna be Gangsta...

I don't want to be associated with this, just because I love Scarface...

I just wish the "gangsta rappers" took stuff I didn't like to idolize... I just hope they don't take Solid Snake from me...

Nov 25, 2009

That's a lot of Bull... Semen?

Holy Bull chowder, Batman! Someone stole 1,300 tubes of prized bull semen.
1.5 million Yen of Bull semen lost. (Probably 15,000 dollars in calf batter)

That's not the screwed up part of the news. No, the tubes haven't been used in Japanese porn... I hope. the screwed up part is the part where the guy who was in charge of this prized possession killed himself. Probably some vestige of Samurai honor and not allowing themselves to screw up, or the guy was neck deep in bull... you get the idea. It's kinda tough keeping this article PG when it involves boatloads of Bull chowder. Can't put any videos to make jokes about it since most of them wouldn't be in YouTube. Most pictures related to the article would cause my account here to get banned. What can I do? Let's play Cluedo: Bull Semen Theft Edition.
The suspects:

Chris Pontius: We know he's consumed Horse semen before. What's stopping him from tasting Frozen Bull.

A horny cow desperate to have a calf... Sounds crazy, but Japan is the land of crazy... Just look at their gameshows.

Your average porn movie director... His vision requiered huge amounts of this prized fluid. Maybe there was a shark involved, or a bull... I don't know! Now that porn movies are getting more "artsy" and trying to appeal to a public that wants more than people doing it. Probably it involves Asuka Langley and the Angel attack on the End of Evangelion OVA. (Cause Japan loves EVA) Maybe it's for the live action re-enactment of Shinji's visit to Asuka in the hospital after:

Or this guy... I knew that Oozinator refills were expensive, but I never thought they'd be THAT expensive.

It's sad that we have lost a caretaker of Japanese Bull Semen. But I beleive that it was Pontius with the Rope on the Kitchen... I need to play some Cluedo.

Nov 22, 2009

The TMNT's Last Hurrah before serving the Nick overlords...

I am talking about Turtles Forever. The TMNT Anniversary special DTV movie. (The CW will air it split in three parts during the next 3 Saturdays.)

It Freaking rocked!! It had The Turtles of my childhood, The Turtles of my Adulthood AND THE ORIGINAL COMIC BOOK TURTLES!!
Now that was awesome beyond awesome!!

I felt like a kid once more. The 80s Turtles were hilarious. Unfortunately most of the movie was spent in making fun of the 80s Turtles, making the 2k3 TMNT look like a bunch of douchebags... Other than that it was great! I do not want to spoil much, but the Comic Book Turtles were so awesome!! Especially Comic Book Leonardo...

The 2k3 Turtles clashing with the 80s Turtles... Turtles vs Turtles, Shredder vs Shredder... The Return of Rocksteady and Bebop AND a cartoon appearance of Tokka and Rhazar... There was ONLY one thing missing...

And that's a good thing... No one need to remember The next mutation... The only good thing that came out of that was the Turtles beating up the Power Rangers (the In Space variety)

This is the END for TMNT until their revival by Nickelodeon. Now a sequel for TMNT Smash Up based around Turtles Forever would be so awesome...

Even Miley loves the Turtles... She's pointing at either Mikey or Leonardo... Technically she's pointing at the sewer cover. Now that Nickelodeon owns TMNT I guess I'll never see the TMNT having a concert with Hannah Montana...

combined with :

but without the Jonas Brothers... The Turtles should replace the Jonas Brothers in everything...

If the revival of the Coming out of their Shells tour ever happens again; I'm pretty sure it'll be with her...

or Spongebob Squarepants... I'll take my chances with Spongebob...

at least Patrick will drive Rapahel mad...

Oh yeah! I almost Forgot! Today is Miley's Birthday. Hopefully she got to meet the Sewer cover... She hearts that sewer cover.
TURTLE POWER!!! It's Ninja Time!! Strike hard and fade away...

Nov 17, 2009

Toy Review: GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra Vehicle 2 pack.

They'll fight for freedom whenever there's trouble, GI Joe is there...

And now the GI Joe Rockslide and the Cobra Mole Pod are here. They can be found sold separately also, but This two pack was only $5 more expensive than the single Molepod or Rockslide. I'd like to start with the...

St-Stop it! Cobra Commander!! You're not even in this toy review!!

-Yesss! I know! I jussssssst want to make ssssure that thissss review issss good enough for me!
Alright, I'll make review "fair"...

-No! You nincompoop! I ssssaid that thisssss review mussssst be good enough for me!!

So you basically want me to say that the Joe part of the two pack sucks more than the Wonder Twins AND Aquaman on the Super Friends... right?

-I wouldn't go THAT far in the sssssssssuckitude meter, but... Have you ever consssssidered joining Cobra?


-YO JOE!!!

-Oh crap It's the Joesssss!!! COBRA!!! RETREAT!!! RETREAT!!!

Commander wait! You still haven't made the Once a man rant!!

- #$%@ you Nefty!! COBRA!!! RETREAT!! RETREAT!!!

Thanks GI Joe!!

Snow Job: Don't mention it... Remember If you ever have any Snake troubles give us a call.

Now I know...

- And knowing is half the Battle...

Wait! Don't go Snow Job!! I have a few questions to ask you...

- Sure, go ahead...

For starters, What the heck are you doing in the middle of the Caribbean!?

-I blame Channing Tatum... Ever since he became Duke; he's been sending Joes randomly to missions. Last week he sent Shipwreck to a mission in the middle of the Desert. He also had Roadblock infiltrating the KKK... Now I'm on a reconnaissance mission in the middle of the Caribbean... Channing Tatum sucks as Duke...

Ok what do you think about your rise of Cobra Toy?

-Well, It's cool that I didn't change THAT much from my Real American Hero (25th A.) toy. There's more green in my RoC toy that I'm not too fond of, but the Arctic Camo pattern on my clothing is pretty sweet!! I did lose my skis, backpack and Rifle... Funny thing about my File Card. It mentions a rifle that no longer is in my possession. What's up with that!? I have been ripped off! Somebody at Hasbro will be pulling off a well, my codenamesake after this. I still have my six-shooter. Not the best weapon to defend myself against angry polar bears or Cobra, but it's better than my bare hands. Also my hood and goggles are removable. Unlike the 25th Anniversary vehicle two packs I do not get the stand with my name on it... I wanted my official Snowjob RoCtag...

Oh well! I wasn't expecting a buttload of Accessories since your toy has his own vehicle...
I do miss the skis but, what can I do?

-My toy has some trouble grabbing his gun, but then again a lot of joe and cobra toys have problems grabbing their guns. At least on the Cobra side it is accurate to real life... that's why they fail hitting the broad side of a barn with a nuke.

But, Joes aren't the best sharpshooters either...
Let's move on to the Rockslide shall we?

-Well, The Rockslide is all new, not a retooling of past toys like the Panther (Armadillo) tank.
The Skis turn and the rear tank tread pivots...

Holy crap! It DOES PIVOT!!

-It says so in the back of the box...
But I hate the little wheel on the tread to simulate movement...

-It's a TOY, not the real thing. Geez! you collectors complain a lot...

At least I'm not the guy whose codename is a term for a cover up/ or a sexual act... but there should've been wheels hidden under the skis, for playability purposes...

-Touché! back to the review... The skis are loaded with 2 missiles and they have better range than Cobra's... Go ahead, try it...

Yes, it's true... I bet that somebody at the Terrordrome will be angry... but not as angry as I am right now...


Stickers... I REALLY HATE the stickers... especially when the toy has half of them on already...

-That's bad because???

Ok... Let me take a deep breath. It's not that I HATE THE STICKERS... I do not like them, but it angers me when the toy has half of the stickers placed on the toy. Why? Because that means that the employees had time to go and place half of the stickers on the toy. Wy didn't hey place ALL of them. Or none at all. If I'm gonna be stuck on sticker duty; don't make me feel like I'm picking up on the employees slack... THEY get paid for sticking stickers, not me... Also the paper where the stickers are stuck to sometimes is TOO stuck on the sticker and in this case they are reaaly small stickers so it's a hassle to get them off the paper properly... now YOU know... and placing stickers is the other half the battle...

-You went a bit too far there... You can make fun of our clothes, our aiming skills, but no one disses the NYKAKIHTB...


-Sheesh! Where was I? My toy fits perfectly on the Rockslide ATAV and that's pretty much it...

So now I have to rate your toy and the Rockslide in a scale of 1 to 5. One being sucky toy that made me waste money on it and 5 being most awesomest toy in the history of toys?

On it's own Snow Job gets an overall: 3

Articulation: Same as the 25th A Joe figs (and Rise of Cobra) 3.5 (-1.5 for the "skirt" portion of the parka restricting movement and the loose right hand and feels a bit too fragile)

Paint/sculpt: No visible paint slops, nice arctic camo pattern (better than the RoC Joe camo) 4.5 (-.5) It's true that this is a repaint but the figure is well done and it's still recognizable as the character.

Accessories: Obviously I expected less accessories than a single carded fig, BUT when you mention a weapon in the file card; the figure should have THAT weapon... 3

-What the HELL!? It's a @#$% two pack for God'ssss ssssssakessss! Where'sssss the other half!?

I'm going to get there as soon as I finish rating the Joe half, or would you have prefered a joint review with Joes and Cobras at the same time... So let me finish, Cobra Commander...

-You do have a point!! You'll live for now...

Ok. The Rockslide ATAV gets on it's own an overall: 3

Mobility: The skis might move but they do not have any effect on the tread's wheel. It basically is scraping the floor with the skis. 4 (-1 because of the wheel problem)

Paint: This one does sport the JOE ROC Camo that I dislike, but the paint job is clean, minimalist and it's easy on the eyes. (No neon colors...) 4 (-1 because instead of tampographing the stuff on the stickers we get the stickers.)

Playability: The skis move, the tank tread pivots and gives new looks to the vehicle and the long range firing missiles give this baby a 4 (-1 because of the mobility problems)

Now for the Cobra half of the review. We have the Terra Viper and the Mole Pod... Um... I said Here's the Terra Viper and Mole Pod.

-Terra Viper: Hail Cobra!

That's it? Hail Cobra? Got anything else to say?

-Hail Cobra Commander!!

You know what, I'll stick to the review and you just stand there and shut up...

-My vipersssss are well trained... they live and die for me... The ULTIMATE ARMY ISSS AT MY COMMAND!!!

-Is that so, Cobra Commander?

-SSSS-SSSSSer- SSSSSerpentor! What are you doing here?

-Remove that mockery of my battle cry... THIS I COMMAND!

Ok The Terra Viper figure is a kitbashed figure. The head and torso is from Croc Master. The "rocky" torso of Croc Master gives an "earthy" feel to the Viper. The arms and legs are from Serpentor. The box art shows a prototype of the Terra Viper that looks more Serpentor's body with Croc Master's head.

Poor fool, jumping with joy for being the unholy love child of Croc Master and Serpentor. He has an Oxygen tank and... that's pretty much it.

-At Cobra we went with a minimalissssst approach on the Terra Vipersssss, ssssince the mosssst fun isss with the Mole Pod.

Oh yes the Mole Pod. A tank with a drill on the front... I miss the first season of the old TMNT toon...

The front wheels make the drill move.

CRAP! More Stickers!! @#$% I wish they just Tampograph these guys and get it over with... The Transformers get their crap Tampographed; why can't the Joes?

-Soundwave: Transformers Superior, G.I. Joe Inferior...

Yeah, whatever you say Mr float around in space and do nothing... This is a GI Joe toy review, not a Transformers toy review so beat it!

The Mole Pod can fire a missile... The tip of it's drill...

Why would a Drill get rid of it's tip? I have no Idea... It seems that Destro's chrome dome is addling his brain. M.A.R.S. Industries best idea? I don't think so. To make matters worse the missile is underpowered compared to the Rockslide ATAV. Also why is the tip red? Is that the crusty dried blood of the people killed by it?

-For @#$% Sssakesss! I told you to make me look good!

Commander, I can't make a snow job out of Destro's shoddy work. Blame him, not me.

The viper its nice and comfy inside the Evil Drill of Doom now for the scores...

Terra Viper gets an overall of: 2

Articulation: Same as the 25th A Joe figs (and Rise of Cobra) 4

Paint/Sculpt: No visible paint slops, though it feels under painted. (The details on the belt and knees could've used some paint) 2 (-3 because the base figures used for this one are very noticeable especially the Serpentor parts. I would've prefered something more movie viper like for the body. and the lack of paint on some details)

Accessories: Obviously I expected less accessories than a single carded fig, BUT when you mention a weapon in the file card; the figure should have THAT weapon... 2 (-3 for lack of weapons andhis only accessory is an oxygen tank? Not even a knife to attack the joes?)

The mole Pod gets on it's own an overall: 3.5

Mobility: There is nothing to steer the mole pod to the sides. (Not that it would need to. It's a Drilling tank...) 3

Paint: It's gt some metallic "scrapes" to look as if it's been worn down a bit while digging through the Earth. They look cool, but the scrapes are only on the cockpit. 4

Playability: The drill rotates as the Pod moves forward, and it fires a missile. 4.(-1 because of the disappointing missile)

Is it worth it? Yes. Two for a bit more than the price of one!? That's a sweet deal.

Now you know and knowing is half the battle...

♪ G.I. Joe!!!♫