Stephenie Meyer's genderbent Twilight reboot is real!?

Yesterday I found out about the genderbent Twilight reboot. What's worse is that it was an actual book that was released. It's not midnight sun which was a retelling of Twilight through Edward's perspective. That book is coming as well supposedly. What I'm talking about is basically the first Twilight where Bella is a boy and Edward is a girl. Guess who has two thumbs and is stupid enough to have bought that book. Yes I just bought a fucking Twilight book. No I will not complete reviewing the Twilight Saga because fuck the Twilight Saga. But there's a part of me that has to read this Unholy abomination and I'll probably make a review of it because it's way more messed up as a concept then the entire Twilight Saga itself. I mean how creatively bankrupt you have to be to rewrite the same book but just switching pronouns... also how much of an idiot I have to be to rebuy the same book by switching pronouns.

Netflix's The Witcher: The rant

So, I saw The Witcher on Netflix...
And I must confess that most of my knowledge of the franchise comes from old memes and Soulcalibur 6.

 I haven't read the books but I knew of them, thanks to some friends that are more into books. I know about the games but since the first two were only on PC and Xbox, that kind of made them inaccessible to me. I haven't played the third game that is available on PS4, Soma interactions with Geralt of Rivia have been limited to Soul Calibur 6 pretty much.

Thanks to a certain creatively bankrupt director whose name I shall not mention, I haven't been that much of a Henry Cavill fan. And then hearing the multiple racial changes for political correctness I wasn't that enthused about the show... it's supposed to be based on a fictional version of a northern European style area so it wouldn't make sense why there would be people of color there, but diversity quotas... At worst, all I could think of was if that Person of Color was replacing a Ginger or not...  but since I haven't read the books I won't know until I read them.

I also must admit that I spent most of the first episode staring at cables mouth just to make sure that he wasn't digitally shaved. My whole plan was to watch the show and a mock the hell out of it I was pretty much expecting it to be crap... but, alas, it was not...

By the end of the eight Episode this was me:


And I'm trying to locate the books and the third game.
I practically binged the entire show in one night and I normally don't do that... Geralt got in the way of my Zodak yelling: "Boi!" Time...

If you haven't seen it, what are you still doing here!? Go watch the Witcher... and toss him a coin or two!

We need a Real Jurassic Park...

I  don't mean a version of the park in our world. I'm talking about making a real Jurassic Park movie. Rebooting the Spielberg classic, undoing the Steven Spielberg happier, Cleaner World and doing a faithful adaptation of the book by Michael Crichton... where nearly everyone is a bit of an asshole. Especially Hammond. Hell the Dr Grant from the book likes children.

According to the late Michael Crichton the movie used roughly 10 to 20% material from the book and a lot was tweaked.

Oh holy crap! I just got the craziest idea! Check this out...
Promote this Jurassic Park movie as a re-enactment of true events. The previous movies JP and TLW were In-Gen propaganda to cover up the real events. III, World, and World 2 are 100% fictional stories where In-Gen is cashing in from the success of the propaganda movies...

Book Readers: the rant

Recently, I began rereading Jurassic Park. I bought a copy of the book about a year ago and I kept it on the back seat of my SUV for quite some time. That was not the first copy of the book I have read.
My first copy used to be my Mom's. She used to highlight the living shit out of her books and write notes on the margin. Something that drove me mad. "Vandalism!" I used to call it. Sadly, her copy of the book was lost about 12 years ago or something. Now here's the thing: MY COPY OF Jurassic Park feels Too sterile, too new, even foreign. As much as I LOATHE highlighting on books and scribbles on the margins, not seeing them makes the book feel alien to me. I no longer have a small window into my Mom's mind... and I'd give pretty much anything to be able to do so!
(Doormuumuu let's make a deal!)

Thing is that I USED TO READ A LOT with my Mom... *Not at the same time* What I Mean is that we'd take a book, read it and kinda have a mini book club. Discussions, ICED Tea, some sandwiches. Hot tea was a rarity, due to the warm weather in PR, but when we did it was sweetened with Honey and adding a bit of lemon for additional flavor. I miss those moments. Pretty much everything was fair game From Dostoevsky, Kafka, Cervantes, Voltaire, Tennessee Williams, Shakespeare, Mary Shelley, and other Authors discussed to death in Academia, to more Casual Reading Authors like George R.R. Martin, Anne Rice, Dan Brown, Michael Crichton, Stephen King, Stephenie Meyer...

But Right now there's a bigger pet peeve looming: e-books!

Don't get me wrong, it's really cool to have hundreds of books in the palm of my hand, not to mention all the reading I do online. At the same time, it might be part of my nostalgic feelings in regards to reading books, that make me not truly embrace the e-books. Part of me loves TOUCHING the book, feeling the ink and paper under my fingertips as I pass the pages. twirling the bookmark as I read and gently nudging it whenever I have to stop... and I can't do that with an e-book... Hell, they won't have what I crave most in a book... My Mom's "Vandalism"...

In any case, whether Physical or Digital, try to read more... it can be fun!

George RR Martin finds another excuse to not write

I really don't know which is less likely to happen the Todd McFarlane Spawn movie or George RR Martin finishing glass new books from the A Song of Ice and Fire series. Well Georgie found another project to get involved that does not have him writing the last two damned books. I honestly don't know what I meow wolf is but goddammit George Wright finished the last two books then you can do whatever you want with your life! Do not leave us hanging George...

I know this is the part that some George RR Martin Defenders, say "he's not your trained monkey he can do it at whatever Pace he wants blah blah blah blah blah..."

Normally I would agree but the problem with George is that he's always looking for an excuse to not finished what he started and it's been what? 23 years since he published the first book?  Seriously every time I see his name in news is like: Oh shit he died and it's like he's just looking for another excuse to not write...
Why don't you say something to wake up and it was George RR Martin dead and  the last two books would remain unpublished.

So let's see what happens first Final Fantasy 7 remake or Georgie at least publishes Winds of Winter...

I finally read the MOTU Newspaper strip collection.

I gotta say, it was pretty interesting. I may have had commented a bit about it in the past... Few references to Doctor Who in them. Some takes on characters that we hadn't seen before. That Snake form King Hsss is crazy. Clamp Champ gets some love as a character. Duncan even gets a fiancee that is NOT The Sorceress...

They even do New Adventures of He-Man while He-Man avoids the skinny jeans...

Sadly, there were a few strips MIA when the book was published. Apparently, there is a small chance that SOME of those missing strips were sold by accident at Power-Con.
I hope they are found so we could achieve a more complete collection if the eventual V2 is made. They were a refreshing read. This is the part where I'd take a jab at a really bad writer who is a professional bad writer.

Some liberties were taken at the time, but they weren't as bad as making the Heroes commit genocide... I'd say that the newspaper strips were a slightly more mature take on Filmation. They were a fun read and in a way took me back to my childhood, even if the first time I ever read these was as an adult.

Shakira wrote a Dora the Explorer Storybook...

Is it me or does Dora kinda looks like Ma-Ti? 

Sure it was like 7 years ago, but I saw the book today... Needless to say, I got a copy...


For a Children's book, I gotta say, Shakira manages to do self-insertion better than me, or a professional. Also, Doraverse Shakira looks hot, for a cartoon character... But to be fair, Shakira looks hot in any universe. To my understanding a percentage of the books' costs would go to the barefoot foundation to help children receive supplies for their education.

Is that Purple thing what I think it is?

I could be a bit of an ass and make an in-depth analysis of the book. Well, I shall... First: Shakira owes me an explanation:
What the Hell is the woman from Eyes Like Yours doing? On the English Version:
Oh, you know I have seen a woman of means in rags and begging for pleasure.

Spanish Version:
Ayer vi pasar a una mujer debajo de su camello.
(Yesterday, I saw a woman pass by beneath her camel.)

So, the woman of means in rags and begging for pleasure BENEATH HER CAMEL??? How can you get pleasure under a camel? But, I know, let's nitpick the crap out of the story:

You know what BGM we want...

 OK, so Dora is getting ready for "El Día Mundial de la Escuela"... It's Dora, I have to add random things in Español in order to have the full Experiencia de Dora.

So, Dora wants everyone on Earth to have a party for "El Día Mundial de la Escuela" and they're gonna be on Skype and stuff with Shakira popping up at a school on apparently, Brazil. (Based on the map pic where she departs to Ethiopia.) So, that would take about 12 hours on a plane.
Then she went to India (About 6 hours via plane) but she went on train, which might take more time. She then went to Cambodia (about 7 hours on a plane) but she went on an elephant, which means it took her a lot more time. then from Cambodia to Brazil, on a plane is about 25 hours... Dora went on an air balloon, which means she took a lot more.

See my issue: Shakira has a terrible notion of time. Seriously, she went to this little rainforest school in Brazil and was there for like 2-3 days waiting on for Dora.
My next issue:

No Swiper....
Aw man!
But other than that, Shakira made a simple story that fit within the format it was going to be released.

MOTU Art book Review

Reviewing an Art Book of He-Man is a daunting task.

Especially if I talk ill about the book, I'll have a He-Man sized man break me...

So, Buy the damned book or else Dolph Lundgren will break you!

OK, he will not personally go and break you, but you should get the book. It's a nice collection of art and some info regarding the art of He-Man through the ages.

Yes, there is a section on it where Scott Neitlich talks about MOTU, because whether you like him or not, he IS part of MOTU History.

I mention the Neitlich part because before the book was out there was a discussion about it on facebook and some dude was bitching and moaning about the book having the involvement of Val Staples (from the 2002 comics) and Scott Neitlich in it he was NOT going to buy the book. To me this is not a reasonable choice to not get the book, but it's his choice. Don't be like him, you'll miss out on a 93% great book. There's a lot of great stuff in that book, except the final chapter of the book that I disliked. The chapter is called The Evolution of a Universe.
On this chapter we see a section where Mattel is throwing out sketches of ideas about He-Man and where to take the brand. Many of the sketches and ideas MISS the point of MOTU. (Then again, Mattel kinda missed the point of MOTU during their New Adventures development era, which can be seen on the book.)

There is very little on the PoP and New Adventures areas of the book, which is a shame... New Adventures has ZERO art pieces from the cartoon and that's a shame.
Aside that, the book has a lot of stuff that you will enjoy if you're a MOTU fan.

Note: I am in no way associated with the publishers of the book and no, I do not get any money for promoting the book. I have spoken and/or had written communication with many of the contributors on the book due to them being members of He-man.org's forums and/or Hemanworld's forums. Some have even been guests on Council of the First Ones and Emiliano Santalucia from the Power and Honor Foundation has corrected me on some erroneous Information that I've said on a past rant.

I removed the princess and the zone out of Twilight...

You unlock this door with the key of high school and vampire movie clichés. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of CW-esque Teen angst, a dimension of Vampires that sparkle on contact with the sun instead of burning to a crisp, a dimension of mindless fans. You're moving into a land of both shadow and little substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into the Twilight Zone... I mean Twilight Saga.

Yes I'm talking about Twilight. The Vampire love story by Stephenie Meyer that some people call her the J.K. Rowling of our Generation...

Seriously? The Harry Potter series isn't that old!

Now I'll post some excerpts from reviews that appear on the back of the book. (and my opinion about it...

"A New York Times Editor's choice." Ok so someone at the NYT likes Vampire/Highschool Dramas.

"An Amazon Best Book of the decade... So far" Really, Best Book of the Decade? I don't think so...

I read the book and there was no apple handholding... I felt ripped off.

(That image of the pale hands holding the apple makes it to the movie...)
They say never to judge a book by its cover, but... I'll let you judge.

The only REAL Apple reference in the book is this:

But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Genesis 2:17

A vampire story that starts off with a biblical reference... We've got a winner here... Random biblical references make everything awesome, deeper, and more philosophical... just look at half of the anime that comes to America.

The story is about this Teenage girl, (Isa)Bella Swan, who thinks that she is not popular and that she is different from every other teenage girl. (Gee I've never heard of this before... How about pretty much every teen movie!?) She moves from Phoenix Arizona to a Little Town in Washington called Forks. There she is the new kid in a small town High School. There she meets a student who happens to be a...

"VAMPIRE"!!!

Girl falls in love with "vampire", "vampire" "struggles" with his nature and falls in love with her. Girl and "vampire" fight an "evil vampire" and go to prom... There is something about Werewolves, but that is for the sequel... That's pretty much Twilight in a nutshell.

Is it good? Is it bad? I'll just let the book speak for itself.

Excerpt from Page 89 (This is a whle after Bella was in an accident and Edward saved her life.)

After this scene (In the book it was better... but then again in the book things ARE always better...)

Without further ado the quote:

He chuckled. "What are your theories?"

I blushed. I had been vacillating during the last month between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker. There was no way I was going to own up on that.

Yay! Stephenie Meyer knows who Spider-Man and Batman are!! Bible references, Superhero references! This is the most super awesomest vampire/highschool love story ever!!!

But it seems as if I'm dodging the question. Maybe I am... maybe I'm not.

Alright, I'll answer it but before I can start You must see this video from the Motion Comic based on Stephenie Meyer, akaTwilight's Author.

I despise Mary Sue types in books. Guess who reeks of Mary Sue... I'll give you a hint, It rimes with smell a one! The story is told from Bella's point of view, but thankfully the book is easy to read. It feels a bit soapy, but High School Dramas tend to be soapy... The Vampire aspect would help a little if the vampires were more, I don't know VAMPIRELIKE!!

My vampires do not go sucking blood off-page. They do not sparkle like crystals in the sunlight, and THEY GET LAID!! (as vampires are a symbol of demonic possession, with undertones of sexuality, death, blood...) It's not AS bad as I expected, but it's nowhere close as being "best book of the year" much less "Best Book of the Decade so far..."

It's easy to read, I'll give it that. But at times it feels like I'm reading fan fiction. (This book shouldn't feel that way since the author who has a B.A. in English Literature...) I understand how teenage girls may find this book appealing. (the whole I'm different thing and falling for this special mega handsome dreamy older guy thing... Teenage girls swallow this up...I don't know why, but I find that creepy.)

I don't know, but I'd be kinda worried (if I was the parent of a Teenage girl) if she dreams of an older guy visiting her room at night so she can be safe. Especially if said guy is basically a symbol of hypersexuality... Also who the hell relives Highschool for nearly a hundred years!?

But then again these Twilight Vampires seem to not get laid... (on first book. I'll need to read the sequels to find out if they indeed do...)

So far this picture has more sex than the actual book. I'll post a Twilight Review Part II when I get to see the movie. (I need to know how much they butchered from the book in order to comment on the movie... I just hope that there is no Twilight videogame.)

If anyone knows what the Hell are they doing, please tell me... I don't want to make fun of Bella and Edward, but with these pictures is not hard to do... Is it me or does Bella look a lot paler than Edward...

Now the last unanswered Question, Team Jacob or Team Edward?

I'm not a teenage girl. I don't need to take sides, but If I were I'd put my money on Team Bella.

Let's recap the things we learned from Twilight:

-There are Vegetarian Vampires... (No they do not drink Honey and Tree sap. They drink non-human blood... That is just so damn funny!!! They don't drink human blood so they're vegetarians!!!)

-The Cullens enjoy reliving HighSchool again and again... Seriously? Going through Hischool once is a pain in the arse! But going at it over and over again, that's masochism.

-It's ok to watch highschool girls every move, even while they sleep. They like it.

-Edward is an almost 100 old virgin... who stalks Bella nearly 24/7.

-Vampires Sparkle!!!

In a scale of 1-5, 1 being waste of paper that Captain Planet should beat the crap out of the Author and 5 being the Next Shakespeare or Cervantes, twilight ranks a:

2.5

Why a two point five? I said it was easy to read, but at times it felt like fan fiction. The main character is an uninteresting Mary Sue type. It seems that Stephenie Meyer has no idea about what is a vampire. Most of the story is in a Q&A format. Sneaking in the title of the book a couple of times in the story is annoying. Whenever the word Twilight was mentioned in the story I stopped reading to giggle like an idiot and say "Oh! Oh! Oh! and there she snuck the title!!" (Yes I know that Twilight is the time in which the sun is hidden beneath the horizon yet there is some light on the sky.)