OK, the movie stars that guy from John Carter or Gambit from X-Men Origins:Wolverine... There's also Eric Northman from True Blood, Jedi Master Qui-Gon or Aslan, Rhianna (blegh!), some swimsuit model, and some other people no one seems to care about... and by no one I mean me!
Here's the Plot: NASA sends some signals to a planet that has the same characteristics as Earth. Some dude that no one cares about makes a joke about this being like Colombus and the indians but we are going to be the indians... foreshadowing... oooooooo!
we are now with Gambit and Eric Northman hanging out on a bar, where Eric makes Gambit look like a loose loser. He sees the swimsuit model and tries to get into her pants, but she wants a chicken burrito... Very important! So, Gambit tries to get a burrito at a closed convenience store. Now that doesn't stop him from breaking and entering into said store... cause getting laid is reason enough for breaking and entering. He gets TASERed and arrested, but he gives her the burrito. Now Eric Northman is pissed off at Gambit and forces him to join the Navy...
Sadly there was no reference to this song in the whole movie. There's some celebration in the Navy... Some Navy World Cup thing... just an excuse to have an America vs Japan Soccer match. Some Japanese dude whose name is Yugi
that's the only character whose name I remember... As I was saying This Yugi dude kicks Gambit in the face. Gambit and Mr. Northman discuss strategies and Gambit does the Penalty kick (and fails.) making America lose against Japan... in Hawaii. Swimsuit Model is apparently some sort of Doctor and she's going to marry Gambit if he asks her hand in Marriage to her father. Sounds easy, right?
Why hasn't anyone spliced this audio with images of Aslan... or Qui-Gon is beyond me...
As I was saying, Gambit got into a fight with Yugi in the bathroom of the USS Missouri (a Battleship... Ooh! clever!) instead of asking for Swimsuit's hand in marriage. Now they're going to kick him out of the Navy... after the marine exercises!
So we've got a marine exercise interrupted by...
 |
| Like it has always been on Battleship! |
And now the "fun" Begins! 5 Alien spaceships land on Earth. 4 on the Pacific and one on Hong Kong...
Pretending to be a Michael Bay movie... The Ship that crashed on Hong Kong...
Back to the Battle of ships. Rhianna (ugh!) Some dude and Gambit check out the crashlanded stuff and the alien ships come to life. They create a Forcefield that encloses the "game area" and they shoot the crap out of Eric Northman's ship... cause he had to film a season of True Blood or something... The ships are being sunk by alien missiles that look like the pegs from the game.
Gambit goes kamikaze on the alien ships but is stopped by his crew: Rhianna (blegh!) some ginger dude that I've seen somewhere but can't quite put my finger on it and a dude from Power Rangers... (The recent shows) and they save the Japanese, including Yugi... and now they have to fight the Aliens...
Aliens destroy stuff. Meanwhile, Dr. Swimsuit Model is helping a veteran who lost his legs to stop being a sourpuss. They are forced to leave the area by cops cause Aliens are attacking. Later they meet the other guy... the one from the beginning of the movie with the lame joke about Colombus... him.
Back to Captain Gambit and his eclectic Crew!They caught an alien! They take off his helmet and he's a weird humanoid... thing! More aliens come and rescue this one. Nothing worthwhile except maybe one Alien channeled his inner Chris Brown... (Too much of a low blow?) They discover that Aliens are sensitive to sunlight and they use that AFTER taking too long to set up a nod to the board game. The Aliens sink their ship and they use the Battleship from earlier in the movie to kick some alien butt... Now Captain Gambit asks Qui-Gon for Dr. Swimsuit's hand in marriage, but the Jedi Master says no, but wants to eat a Chicken Burrito with Gambit... END credits! There's a post-credits scene which I will not spoil... Not spoild the post-credits movie after spoiling the whole thing seems pretty douchy so here it is! More Aliens!! In Scotland!
I saved you the trouble of watching the whole thing! I guess it's not much of a review when the title is called: "Man, Battleship really DOES SUCK!!"
Heck the videogame of the Movie is not EVEN a Battleship game! It's a Call of Duty clone... Why!?
Did I LIKE ANYTHING from the movie? I chuckled at the whole "Burrito to get laid" scene. I found the scene where the alien punches Rhianna somewhat amusing... (which musn't be translated to "I love women getting beat up!") I mean, aside her singing she's pretty well known for being an abuse victim by (her ex-now-current-boyfriend or something) Chris Brown. I found it pretty ballsy to throw an indirect nod towards that incident... (My extreme dislike of Rhianna has nothing to do with it...) in a "oh no you didn't just do that" kind of way.
Everything else I LOATHED!! The Plot, the Aliens, Rhianna, pretty much made the movie unenjoyable...
Why am I singling out Rhianna as an object of loathing? Simple: What she represents. She is there because she's a popular singer and they need to fill in those seats somehow. In a way I am glad that they didn't get Michelle Rodriguez for that role... (It would fit her stereotypical "tough chick role" that she is typecast always.) At the same time I would have gladly taken Michelle Rodriguez over Rhianna.
Why couldn't they have done a movie about a Naval War Game? I still stand that Down Periscope was a better Battleship movie than Battleship... If you want to describe this movie in just one word, swap the p in Battleship for a t... then remove Battle... or keep it if you'd like to...
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