Mar 7, 2013

Breaking Fail: Popcorn Flinging Edition

I know I have to go through the other two movies, but I'm perplexed... This is the Worst book of the series. BDp1. is THE WORST TWILIGHT MOVIE, I've seen. Stretched too much just to divide the book in 2. I saw the movie twice... Once when I got part 1 and the second time for part 2.
Seriously, it's like watching paint dry. Poison Fairy C-section was a disappointment
Part 2, which is the worst part of the books where Bella becomes full Mary Sue and they talk to the Volturi... Also Furry pedo! Well, I'm shocked! I ACTUALLY LIKED BDp2. for real... It actually polished the turdiest part of the book and made it awesome... Not to mention the freaky deaky deviation from the source Material to wake up the Males from the Estrogen induced coma.
Bella is based on her...

So let's start with Part 1: A Vampire Wedding.
Bella and Edward get married.

They have sex... no nudity... Edward finally scored! Aaaand enter the stupidity! The Dead dude's chowder was still functional and he impregnated the Mary Sue... The wolves fear the demon spawn. So Jacob becomes a lone wolf and gets 2 wolfy sidekicks.

Bella is dying cause of her stupidity and thanks to a snide comment from Jacob, she begins drinking blood for the baby. This helps her until she goes into labor and Edward gives her a C-Section with his teeth... Sadly, the best scene from the entire book is made a lot less gruesome cause of Girl Audiences... Seriously, the perfect chance to make this awesome was glossed over. And the movie ends with Vampire Bella awakening.

The movie is awfully boring and it flows like Molasses. When I've had to rewatch the movie, I need to watch it in pieces... (had to rewatch it a third time to complete this rant...) I nearly dozed off 3 times. Roughly every 40 minutes I had to stop before I dozed off.

Now for Part 2: Mary Sue Powers Activate!
So Bella wakes up as a newborn vampire. she's like the Wolverine of Vampires. Stronger than Emmet, Faster than Eddiekins, can control her hunger in mid-hunt... Hell, she even beat nemesis... Ooops! sorry wrong Mary Sue, but you get the idea. The Volturi find out about Renesmee and they come to kill her and most of the Cullens too. The Cullens raise an army and they talk about their feelings and some other lame Romantic Movie-esque final scene... Until Mr. Condon  says Screw the Book! and he gives us ACTION!

Of course, this ass-kicking scene is not canon... It's just a cheap cop-out, cause the talking it out ending is still there, but this gives the movie the very needed shot of testosterone to wake males up!
and it wants desperately to beat the crap out of Eclipse as the best Twilight Movie.

Now if I were tor rate the movies: Breaking Dawn pt.1 gets a 1.5 out of 5.
Pt.2 gets a 3.5 out of 5. 

The biggest flaws for the movies are the plot. which is mostly the cause for the lost points. If the movie bores me to sleep, then it's not doing a great job. Part II (based on the worst part of the worst book) scored higher, because the Volturi threat was ramped up. I kinda notice a pattern here. the movies where there's a big threat looming seem to rate higher next to the ones that don't have it...

No comments:

Post a Comment