Jesus
This review could be seen as offensive or even blasphemous. If you feel offended by irreverent views of Jesus H. Christ, you should NOT read this review.
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| Jesus: Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them. For it is to such as these that the kingdom of heaven belongs. Karen: Mr. Jesus, you need to leave now. Mr. Nefty is an evil man and he will mock you! Kaylee: He threatened to bring Hal Jordan to my review! Jesus: Wait, Hal Jordan, as in Green Lantern? That's not so... wait that's the kiddie diddler lantern. I need to go Belmont on this Nefty. |
Now, before I start: I understand that it's a sensitive topic surrounding the figure... there are over 45K sects that claim He's Divine. I've mocked gods from other religions, so, an irreverent review of the Christian Demigod or ⅓ of Carrie Ann Moss is fair game.
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| Jesus: Abandon all hope, ye who hit the jump. |
So Jesus Christ: According to Christian scripture, he's the son of a virgin born in a manger... Jess was the one born in the manger, not Mary. According to an apocryphal text, Child Jesus was a douchebag. But child Jesus wasn't a figure... Grown Jesus is.
This Jesus is based on the Divine Mercy painting. I wish I had the Sacred Heart Jesus so I could recreate my Halloween Costume from 16 years ago. Yes I went as Jesus for Halloween carrying a baguette and some grape juice. Matthew 26:26 has never been this filthy. That was during my deeply misotheistic stage. But we're not here to talk about the stupidity of young me. We're here to talk Jesus Christ. It's weird me mentioning Jesus Christ without using Tittyfucking between Jesus and Christ.
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| Republican Jesus: 100% Not Woke Out of stock, I made it up. |
Articulation:
He can do some poses. Including the Obviously Jesus poses praying, sharing a meal, getting nailed at the cross. Sadly, no cross at the time of this review being made.
5.0
Paint and sculpt:
Most of his body is covered in soft goods robes. Like other Jesus paintings, he's buff. Not Michelangelo... the Sculptor Slash Painter, not the Ninja Turtle there are no paint issues with my figure. He also looks like Cesare Borgia. The body has a hole on his back for the Halo. The hole goes through the robe, which has bendy wires at the sleeves and bottom. His sash has bendy wires too. The body is quite good. But like Walter Peck, Jesus has no dick.
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| Jesus: The Mark of my Divinity shall scar thy DNA... Uhhh this is awkward. Mary Magdalene: It's kinda hard to Tittyfuck Christ, if Christ has no dick. Jesus: Daddammit, Judas! He ate my Baguette!! Mary Magdalene: I wanted to eat your Baguette and drink your Bechamel. You could've called me biscuit after you poured your holy gravy over me... Nefty VO: Am I supposed to get horny or hungry here? |
Jesus gets a 4.5
Accessories:
5 extra hands
Mercy beam
Sash thingie
Halo as in the ring that angels and holy people.have, not the XBox game.
Base
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He-Sus: ඞ He lived Among Us. Jesus: By the power of Yahweh! I have the Power!! |
Has plenty of stuff, but to me is not enough.
A second head would've been nice. But it was not in the cards. Faithfulness to the painting.
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| Republican Jesus: I’m automatically attracted to beautiful. I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything. Woman: Oh Jesus! Republican Jesus: Moses parted the Red Sea. I'm parting the pink taco. Soon I'll be inside you. Woman: Oh God! Republican Jesus: Why are you bringing my Dad into this!? How would you like it if I said your Mom's name as you blow me!? Leave my Dad out of this! Woman: I could call her and we could have a three-way. Jesus: Oh Dad... thanks... |
I HATE THE MERCY BEAM! It doesn't stay on and it looks like it'll break the tiny pegs it has.
4.0
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| Republican Jesus: Ameeeriiicaaa! Ameeeriiicaaa! America! Fuck yeah! Coming again To save the Motherfucking day yeah! America! Fuck yeah! Freedom is the only way yeah! Terrorists your game is through! Cause now you have to answer to America! Fuck yeah! So lick my butt and suck on my balls! Holy shit! MICHAEL JORDAN!? Afro-Jesus: This is why we kicked you out of the council of Jesuses. Republican Jesus: NAMEKIAN!! Afro-Jesus: What? Republican Jesus: You know, the Namekian working the fields on DBXV, Maniga! Afro-Jesus: You keep making it harder to return to the council. Don't you dare rap for me! |
Overall:
Jesus gets a 4.17 as his final score. I blame the Mercy Beam failure to properly connect and the lack of crotch covering for the crucifixion. The Jesus and the cross figure allows you to use any of the Jesus figures you have, whether it's this one, the sacred heart Jesus, or the African portrait. All can be nailed at the cross. But having a naked and dickless Jesus would seem kind of blasphemous... It Really has to be blasphemous since I'm pointing it out and 59% of this review could be considered blasphemous. And I'm like, yeah, dickless Jesus on the cross may be a bridge too far for me to cross.
All jokes aside, these are well made figures and if you're a Christian, they're nice conversational figures. And no, Evangelicals, they're not idols. They are artistic representations of other artistic representations of biblical characters.
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