Moving on and Letting go

To me the concept of Moving on and Letting go can be a bit too hard. I mean like I still harbor feelings for the girl I had a crush on Third Grade and that's way over 20 years ago. Don't get me started on grudges.

They say time heals all wounds and stuff. I'm not a huge believer of that concept. The wounds still hurt as if they just had happened. There is not a single day that passes without me feeling the pain of losing Mom. If I could "let go" then I wouldn't feel the pain of losing Mom. What if I *DON'T WANT TO LET GO* of this pain? What if I USE THIS PAIN TO PUSH MYSELF FORWARD and strive to become a better person? I'm very likely to not leave a genetic legacy (mostly due to the fact that I don't want to be a father thanks to some of my inner demons... Metaphorical ones) The other legacy I have is the destruction of Mattycollector... And I'm losing my focus once again.
I've been dealing with my mother's death for a bit over two years. It doesn't get any easier, but I am surviving. I still feel like a lost child at times, but I am adulting mostly fine. Hurricane Maria has been a sobering experience. It opened my eyes to show me how lucky I've been in the bigger picture. While my life has reached about 63% of normalcy, seeing the sheer destruction that she left is eye opening. Having Military vehicles patrolling the streets is a scary image. It doesn't matter if they're on our side, the image is still a tad disturbing.

Things I took for granted feel a lot more special now... Drinking an ice cold soda, having a warm meal, being able to watch porn (yeah I went there... Having 2 jobs and virtually zero social life due to lack of time don't help.) Are privileges now.

All this makes it a bit harder to be my usual nitpicky self. I suspect that once my place gets power, old whiny and nitpicky me will return to normal. For now I'm going to try that optimism thing...

Oh yeah! I almost forgot. Saw Kingsman 2 and I laughed my ass off. Elton John... That's all I'll say.