Mar 17, 2024

Gold Saucer Blues: a Final Fantasy VII (Re)Birth by sleep rant

 We are going to the gold saucer! We are going we are going to the gold saucer! -Yuffie FF7 MACHINABRIDGED

Gold Saucer is ridiculous! We have a grandpa with more Muscles than a pillar man
Notice how Cait Sith has the powerto change people's clothes... and he wastes it on the underage character... pedoReeve confirmed.

Also, notice how Yuffie isn't hypersexualized, but Dio is more eyecandy than Italian Senator Tifa. Yuffie even faints as she sees Dio's Liefeldian package. 
He really needs to get that inguinal hernia checked...

I love Gold Saucer the park... I hate this chapter. They fucked up Dyne. There is no mystery as the game already spoils that the Gold saucer murderer is Dyne. In North Corel, they spoiled Barret's guilt via flashback... something that happened way later at Corel Prison. 

Then they made the Chocobo manager Ester (now Esther) who in OG FF7 looked like a 30-something trying to look younger into a 14-ish year old girl that sounds like Aerith and ALSO has a thing for Cloud. I actually didn't hate Chocobo Racing here, but still I'm derpived of weirdo beyond spinster crazy chocobo lady to a  weird crazy chocobo teenage girl who wants to jump on Cloud's Buster Sword... Also, I don't think I commented this, but they gave Chole a bit of an aging spell and a glow up. In the OG she looked like Marlene's age, now she looks like she may have gotten a pair of periods under her belt and is waiting for her parents to take her to church. Hell, even Choco Billy got an age up.

So, the whole Barret/Dyne thing was radically changed and the game gave Dyne a dramatic hero death... then we fight Palmer. Rebirth did Palmer Dirty...

Instead he fights in a toad Mecha that we fight normally and in a mini game... Also, Roided out grandpa fights Andrew Tate

Now unto Gongaga where I hope Cloud can fuck up and rub salt on Zack's parents'wounds... also TANKCERATOPS!!

You better be on the game... or else I will Rant!!

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