Because I have the Sluttiest Velociraptor you have ever seen... yes I have an Amber collection Velociraptor. Do I even need to do an intro to the most badass Dinosaur from Jurassic Park that is NOT a Motherfucking T-Rex!!
Articulation
Dude, this Raptor girl, who I named Susan, for no reason... she looked like a Susan to me... has plenty of articulation! She can even move her Sharp killing claw and recreate the toe tapping scene from the original Jurassic Park! She can pull off some weird poses like a Bruce Lee Kick, Hadoken, Shoryuken, Tatsumakisenpuukyaku, Shun Goku Satsu, Spidey's MVC stance and some VERY LEWD poses... so lewd that they can turn on a guy who talks about pulling up dinosaur skirts... of course, I took the lewd pics!
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| I wish I had a Crisp Rat... |
Right now my only regret it's that I don't have a crisp rat to pose like Mario riding Yoshi.
5.0
Paint and sculpt
Sadly, Susan is not a velociraptor from the first movie. She's from The Lust World... I mean Lost World!! So she has a Tigerstripe paintjob... I'll try to get a normal Jurassic Park 1 Raptor before Muldoon arrives, but it seems highly unlikely. This is due to the JP1 dinos becoming super expensive... the Dilophosaur goes for over a hundred bucks! But going back on topic the tiger stripe paint job looks really good and the sculpt is amazing! My only complaint is the positioning of the hole for the stand, because it's a bit too close to the cloaca... I'll talk about the dildo stand in the accessories section. And it's a gaping hole. I'm talking about a banana in a hallway kind of thing.
4.5
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| Susan: M-m-Mr. Malcolm, I-I can't do this! Malcom: *Horny Goldblum noises* Susan: I don't want you to think I'm some sort of slut that does these things on her first date... Malcolm: *Lustful Goldblum noises* just sit on it already!! |
Accessories
Dildo stand.
The only reason metal used this kind of stand is cost-cutting. A clip stand wouldn't have compromised the sculpt. But the funny thing is that the stand is not needed the Raptor has a great way to stabilize itself, its tail. Oh no... I just discovered that susan is engineered with tabs inside her not cloaca to tightly grasp the dildo stand...
1.0
Overall
Susan the Velociraptor gets a 3.5 as her final score. The mostly useless dildo stand is the culprit here.
If you thought I was done with the review right here, you're Motherfucking wrong... I used the "hold onto your butts" quote. You know I have to review Samuel L Motherfucking Jackson here...
John Raymond Arnold, Jurassic Park's chief engineer, killed by a velociraptor when attempting to restart the park after Newman Nedry shut it down to steal the embryos for Dodgson... now you get why I bought Susan.
It's Samuel L Jackson with a detachable arm, what's not to love?
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| J. Raymond Arnold: Hold on to your butts! Cena: OK! J. Raymond Arnold: What the Hell are you doing? Cena: Holding onto my butt... |
Articulation
Mr. Arnold has standard Jurassic World Amber collection human figure articulation. It's good to see Mattel FINALLY embrace the articulation level that other toy companies were doing effortlessly in 2002.
4.5
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| Susan: OMG! It's Nick Fury!! J. Raymond Arnold: it's a Velociraptor! Cena: Now I can see why Hogan loves breaking his shirts!! |
Paint and sculpt
Wait... he ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE Samuel L. Jackson!! Motherfucker!! The sons of bitches at Mattel FINALLY DID IT!! *stares at the WWE ELITE John Cena as Jakob Toretto that looks more like Ernest P. Worrell than it does John Cena* Yes, Hasbro has made better Samuel L Jackson sculpts, but they've had plenty of practice with multiple Mace Windu and MCU Nick Fury figures... This is Mattel's first attempt.
Paintjob is pretty decent. They even painted the inside of his right arm red for some detachable fun. I believe this was a Terry Higuchi idea... because there is no way that such a simplistic and genius idea could pop inside the incompetent brain of a certain Ruben Martinez... the "New Toyguru"... I mean it as in the incompetent douchebag in charge of MOTU who had a great idea that prospered despite his own incompetence. The only advantage Ruben has over Neitlich is that Ruben is not narcissistic enough to pretend he's the savior of MOTU.
5.0
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| Susan! Ooh! I LOVE DARK MEAT!! J.Raymond Arnold: Motherfucker!! Cena: U CAN'T C ME!! Susan: Oh no... Mr. FIGGLEHORN is approaching me... |
Accessories
Headset
90s computer
Mauled arm
2 extra hands
Since this is a mass-market retail toy for American audiences, both kids and collectors, he has no cigarettes.
Other than that he has pretty much what a John Raymond Arnold figure would need.
5.0
Overall
Mr. Arnold gets a Motherfucking 4.83 as his final score. There is very little to complain about here. I'm almost done with the JP cast... all I need is:
Grant
Muldoon
Tim
Lex
Wu
Gennaro with detaching at the waist feature. I CAN'T look at the dinos, because Brachiosaur is a Target exclusive, and third party sellers are wallet-rapists and my recent responsibilities won't allow me to splurge on toys.
Aw what the heck! Since we have the invisible Mr. Toretto here let's do a review...
And his name is John Cena... insert Appledough and fanfare here:
WWE superstar turned actor, JOHN CENA!!!! Played the role of Jake Toretto in the latest Fast and Furious movie... it's perfect since we never saw him in the rest of the 10 or 11 movies based on this saga. Basically it's John Cena wearing more clothes rhan he did in the WWE.
Articulation
He's made in the WWE Elite body which means he has double hinged knee but single hinge elbow... look at it this way John Hammond the old guy from Jurassic Park has far better articulation than WWE Superstar John Cena.
4.0
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| Cena: Wait, you CAN SEE ME? Susan: OWWWWWW!! |
Paint and sculpt
The paint work this minimal on this figure. The sculpted body is the basic Elite body with long pants, but the face is atrocious. It does look like John Cena it looks more like a digital Recreation of the late Jim Varney as Ernest that it does John Cena... then again the real Cena dolls look like badly made deep fake of the late Jim Varney as Ernest.
4.5
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| Cena: It's time for an Attitude Adjustment!! Susan: F-U, John Cena!! Cena: No, it's now called Artitude Adjustment because of PG Era... |
Accessories
removable cloth shirt
2 extra hands
Since this is a WWE toy and not a Fast and the Furious Saga toy, he won't have any guns.
Personally I think he should have gone with more hands since he wasn't going to have anything else.
1.5
Overall
The Lesser Toretto gets a 3.33 as his final score. Sadly this is a very disappointing action figure. I feel that Mattel went a bit too lazy on this toy. But gift horse and all that... This figure was a present, okay...
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