Do yourself a favor and DO NOT WATCH HOME SWEET HOME ALONE!!

 

I recently lost a bet and my punishment was to watch one of the Non-Macaulay Culkin Home Alone movies, you know: Home Alone 3, Home Alone Taking Back the House, Home Alone Holiday Heist, and  Home Sweet Home Alone. Before I could say Home Alone 3, I was told that it wasn't a valid option. I had to choose one of the other 3. I had already seen Taking Back the House and hated it. I EVEN STARTED HOLIDAY HEIST, but I almost clawed my eyes out, so I was forced to stop... so, I chose the remaining choice... I already hate myself for it. I'd rather watch the Human Centipede  or a Brie Larson marathon over this... six minutes into this movie and I want to dropkick the kid. Why is Keenan Thompson in this? Why is everyone talking as if they were making a comedy sketch and throwing jokes that don't land?

20 minutes in and I want to nutpunch the director... it's a Fox movie but it feels like a made for tv Disneyfied version of Home Alone. 

It seems that the would be bandits aren't really bandits because it appears that Pound Store Replacement Kevin McCallister stole a priceless antique doll... I'm using the term appears, because there could be a Shyamalamadingdong tweest that it wasn't the kid who stole it but another of the adults who was there at the open house.

Wait, did they just have the kid cross-dress as a joke!? In 2021!? And this is on Disney+!? I wonder if this will be mentioned in the following weeks... ugh! I still have 1 hour and 12 minutes to go...  and now we have the Scarface reference... how is a 2021 10 year old even aware of Scarface!? Oh wait, the tweest is that the would be bandit's nephew is the one who stole the doll. They showed a small scene of him stealing stuff so the tweest doesn't come off the left field. 

Wait wait wait, did the movie got a moment of self-awareness and called itself garbage for being a remake not up to par with the classics? It's official, this is not a kid's movie.  This movie is for adults who have nostalgic feelings towards Home Alone and this movie wants to kill the past with its abominable state. Unlikanle kid, sympathetic "villains"...  Who am I supposed to root for?

It's time for cheap manipulation and bring in a song played on the Real Home Alone...

I'm only 27 minutes in and I want to ask Toodles for a Keyblade to squish Michael T. Mouse's testicles to oblivion. I'll even put on a Sora wig. Also, the movie is Ageist... in 2021 no less... Home Sweet Home Alone, you're getting canceled!! The only satisfaction of me going through this torture is that I get to write a rant about it and try to save you from watching this horrible horrible movie that makes The Room seem like a masterpiece... at least the Tommy Wiseau movie it's unintentionally fun. I right now I listen to a vegan rant about meat being bad while explaining the benefits of crossfit and getting me involved in a time sharing MLM with a Nigerian Prince than watch this abomination.

And we have Buzz McCallister!! Thank you for reminding me that there is a MUCH MUCH BETTER HOME ALONE MOVIE THAT I COULD BE WATCHING IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT STUPID BET... if I had won the FFVII-THEMED NSFW reward would've been awesome... but I lost, so I'm stuck watching this. 

Wait, so Kevin grew up to make alarm systems AND pranks Buzz every year by claiming that there are kids left home alone on Christmas!? What a Dick!! Or dicks the writers are...

55 minutes in and NO! YOU HAVE NOT EARNED THE RIGHT TO USE THE BEST HOME ALONE THEME!! 

Nope! That fist pumping "yes!" Was unearned... give it back! Now we're at the part where the real slapstick is supposed to begin. No! That VR scene doesn't work, because VR doesn't work like that! It would be impossible for the VR to recreate his attire so perfectly. This completely shattered my suspension of disbelief.

Oh no! What's this!? I got a genuine laugh? From THIS MOVIE!? So, the "not bandits" capture "limey kevin wannabe" and they explain the situation and offer to take care of him until his parents arrive. She tells him that everything will be alright and that he won't get in trouble and that his mom will be just glad to see him safe and sound, when the husband interjects with an "at first". I'm aghast that it made me laugh.

It ended up being the nephew who had stolen the doll. But "Harry Potter" ended up saving the day. And movie, you ruined it by having klepto nephew doing the Home Alone scream pose. So "Harry Potter" reunites with his mum and we still have 13 minutes to go!? Take me out of my misery, please end movie, I'm begging you!!

A SECOND LAUGH!! NO!! NO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

FYI it was a joke about the thing that spinballed the plot of this movie. And now it's finally over...

If I were to summarize this movie into words, I would have to quote Jay Sherman. But in all fairness it actually made me laugh twice, which is an improvement over taking back the house. Don't get me wrong this movie still is very shitty, but incredibly enough it's not the worst of the off-brand Home Alone movies. Do not watch!!