Jan 28, 2022

Playmates toys is ass backwards

Says the guy who just bought a differentBillie Eilish action figure after bitching about the Noob Saibot Bukkake Billie Eilish. The figure is from the video When the Party is Over

Sadly, The figure is after she consumes Noob Saibot's semen, but not as much as the other figure where she was a victim of Netherrealm Bukkake. Is it too much to ask for a normal Billie Eilish action figure.

The only reason I'm getting this Billy Eilish action figure is a modern take of an old joke of mine. My old NECA Mirage Michelangelo had a fling with a custom figure of Miley Cyrus that I made many years ago. Since Miss Cyrus is old news and Billie Eilish kind of looks like a mutant Goldeen, well it kind of makes sense, or at least it Does in my warped mind. 

I shouldn't be using Super7 to make this Match. This should have been a purely Playmates crossover but it isn't. Why? Because Playmates is doing things ass backwards with their toylines.

Oh sure, they have the new Cobra Kai figures that look like ass and the turtles are reissues of the 10-14 years ago TMNT Classics that they keep pushing every few years... between "special anniversary releases" of the 80s toys. Their TMNT Game has been lacking for quite some time. Yes, I praised their Classics Rocksteady and Bebop despite their sculpt and Articulation issues, of course NECA came in and wrecked Playmates with the Toon Rocksteady and Bebop but Super7 made all Bebop and Rocksteady their bitches.

I'm not asking for 2022 Articulation since Super7 managed to do TMNT Justice with 1995 Articulation. They look like their 1987-1994 counterparts, but enhanced due to their larger size and articulation. Take Muckman and you can see what I mean, despite any issues I may have with Super7, they SEEM to put a lot of care on the TMNT figures. Playmates seems content with reissuing 10-35 year old figures and call it a day. If they feel generous they might change a cut joint to a ball/hinged joint.

Playmates just got back the Star Trek license and guess what they're doing? 1990s looking figures in the same scale as the 1990s toyline ith himge joints turned into ball hinges. Riker and Data look nothing like Jonathan Frakes and Brett Spiner respectively. Piccard kinda looks like Patrick Stewart, but all bald white man figures that are NOT Lex Luthor kinda look like him. I don't mind sharing scale throughout the decades...Hasbro has with the Joes for nearly 40 years. My issue would be if Hasbro's 2022 Scarlett looked EXACTLY like this:

Scarlett from the yojoe archive.

Despite the technological advances that allow female figures to have longer hair without impeding Articulation, Playmates' logic demands short hair on the figure. 

They have the Miraculous Ladybug line and only dolls are being released. I know someone did action figures of Miraculous, but that was like 7 years ago... seems that Playmates isn't doing Ben 10 anymore. According to their website they have:
Godzilla vs. Kong
Billie Eilish
TMNT vs Cobra Kai
Spy Ninjas
Pikwik Pack
Vlad and Niki
Star Trek being the newest addition.

-The GvK stuff looks like 1997 toys.
-Pikwik pack is a Preschool show. And the toys look very Happy Meal-like. 
-Vlad and Niki are two siblings too young to have a YouTube channel, yet their parents are exploiting them as some sort of stars that ended up getting a toyline. The toys look like glorified Happy Meal toys.
-Spy Ninjas is... I have no idea what the hell this is, but apparently, they're YouTubers that foght evil hackers and they do Scooby Doo shit... I coild describe it as Retarded Powerless Rangers... I'm sorry if people white knighting people with intellectual disabilities or people with actual intellectual disabilities got offended by my usage of the word "retarded", but it's the only word that carried the weight to match the awfulness of these Spy Ninjas.
-Billie Eilish The dolls look OK, but I'm not one to be interested in buying them. I stopped doing the doll thing when Hannah Montana's jacket disintegrated. The action figures, well... I already reviewed one and swore I would never buy another Billie Doll... yet here we are.
-TMNT I've beaten this horse to death.  Back then The Classics TMNT figures showed innovation and a desire to play with the big boys... Rocksteady and Bebop showed that Playmates would rather cut as many corners as possible... Not gonna lie, I'm still mad at them for canceling their Mirage Splinter for the 25th anniversary.
It's sad, that the company that once toppled He-Man and usurped His position in Toy Royalty has been reduced to a joke that can't even manage to make a decent TMNT Line. Couple of waves, mutations, minis, reboot in a few years. Then there's the million turtle variants. I mean. These past few years have been the same four turtle sculpts in "toon inspired colors", movie inspired colors with different belts and head, second movie versions with new heads, mirage versions, with different belts, and now the Cobra Kai versions. They had the potential at something awesome, but they squandered it. TMNT is literally their bread and butter, yet sonehow they manage to screw it up.

Star Trek has potential, but their laziness will be detrimental to the final products. The excuse is that they make these toys for kids... but let's face the truth, what kids will be interested in a 35 year old show? I'm using TNG as a reference, since some of the figures seem to be TNG... also TNG was the last kid friendly Star Trek series. The fact that Playmates is going for pseudo retro figures is pure laziness, nothing else. 

It SEEMS like Playmates makes ⅛ of effort, whenever it has some media tie-in. For example, when Rise of the TMNT was around, they kinda put a bit of effort on the toys. They still cut a lot of corners. Like Michelangelo, they made the sculpt LOOK like the character and the figure has SOME articulation, but they cut corners on the paint applications. April, not only she doesn't look like the cartoon, she's missing paint applications and her glasses. Now that Rise is over what do they do? They dust off some molds from 1992 and rerelease a bunch of figures that I bought at $4.99 each, with a set of 6 at $39.99 putting each figure at $6.67... it doesn't sound like a huge increase, but the molds were made 30 years ago, the sculptors were paid 30 years ago. They're made in China, so producing these is a lot less than a dollar per unit, freight might be the only thing that would eat a big chunk of the figures' price, but Playmates is all about of spending less to maximize profits, so they're profiting a lot for so little effort. Sorry, that was the price for the mirage set. The vintage toy sets were $190 for 12 figures, which puts the price per figure at $15-ish.

I know, I know, that's capitalism. Problem is that we're getting older and the ones who fall for those stunts are a dwindling population. Kids who grew in 2k3 are reaching their 20s. Kids who grew up with 2k12 are in their mid to late teens.

Both NECA and Super7 are catering to ME, the late-30s to mid-40s crowd. NECA hits the spot with accuracy to other media (1990s movies and the Fred Wolf Studios Cartoon) Super7 is doing what Playmates should've been doing for their TMNT Classics and delivering larger scale toys based on the vintage line but updated for modern sensibilities. They are making an effort to make appealing products. I'm NOT seeing this with Playmates.

Hell, since they're so Hellbent on only throwing Vintage stuff at us, how about putting a little more effort:

How about "TMNT 87' The Lost Waves series"?

A continuation of the Vintage line with old and new faces. 
Wave 1:
Mirage Leo
Mirage Raph
Mirage Don
Mirage Mike
Mirage Casey
Mirage April
Mirage Splinter
Shredder Elite Soldier

The Mirage Turtles are the original Turtles with new belts in Mirage colors. (Brown belts, pads, red bandanas)
Karai is a kitbash of Ninja April without shoulderpad with Mitsu's arms and a cloth vest all painted in Karai colors.
Scratch is a repaint of the vintage toy. Instead of the old school Black and white striped uniform, he'd get the modern striped uniform in orange and white. His fur would be more brownish and the shoes black. His accessories would be neon green. The reason is to avoid scammers trying to sell 2023 Scratch as 1993 Scratch.
Mirage April is April 2 in Mirage Blue suit and brown boots
Mirage Casey is Casey in Mirage colors and brown accessories
Mirage Splinter is a rerelease of the previous Mirage Splinter.
Shredder Elite Soldier is a Foot Soldier repainted in Mirage colors but with a new Shredder elite guard head. Traditional ninja weapons from shredder fogure would be his accessory.

Wave 2:
Mirage Shredder
Mirage Foot Soldier
Mirage Fugitoid
Mirage The Boy

Armaggon is a new sculpt.
Mirage Shredder is a repaint of Shredder with the head repainted in true mirage fashion (no helmet brows, face is in shadows around the eyes)
Mirage foot soldier is a repainted moviestar foot soldier in Mirage Colors.
Mirage fugitoid is Fugitoid in white and silver
Mirage the boy is a new sculpt (partially reusable for Zach the 5th Turtle)

I am referencing the cartoon for colors only, since Mirage is black and white.
Aska is the head and torso of Mitsu with the arms and legs of Ninja April.

Wave 2 seems a little on the short side: that's because I have to add Mandatory Turtle variants: 
Traditional Ninja TMNT:
Torso and legs would be new and shared with all 4 turtles. (Baggy ninja gi and pants with ninja tabi) The arms would be reused from the Shogun Turtles without the vac Metal. Leo gets shogun Leo arms, Raphael gets shogun Raphael arms,  etc. For the heads they get the storage shell heads, but swapped around: Leo gets Raph, Mike gets Don, Raph gets Mike, and Don gets Leo. Each turtle gets a big scarf that also finctions as belt, sling, or mask.

Wave 3:
Zach the 5th Turtle
Robotic Bebop
Robotic Rocksteady

Zach is The Boy with a new head and new accessories 
Attila and Rasputin are repaints of the other two Punk Frogs woth new weapons 
Robotic Bebop and Robotic Rocksteady are gunmetal grey (not chromed) redecos of the originals with translucent weapons.

The final 5 figures are variants:
OG Line styled Next Mutation.
All 4 turtles get new arms and legs (same mold used on all 4) new belts for each turtle. Donny and Mike get half assed painted masks because Playmates needs to save money for the all new tooled Venus.

I tried to be lazy as modern playmates and reuse stuff up the wazoo. My part reuse was almot Mattel-like. I put some "second chances" at hard to find figures from the original line. Repainted to reduce chances of potential scams. I added Mirage variants of some characters because it was something we didn't get on the original. Not only that but I was able to "make some new characters viable" by the way of kitbash. Some newly tooled characters were unavoidable and they make it look like Playmates is ½ assing things instead of their modern usual ⅛. If the line gains traction, then Playmates could "vintagize" 2003, 2012, and even Rise of the TMNT... if Jim Lee stuff and Suupaa Taatorazu made it to the original line, tossing the rest of the TMNT multiverse into the vintage line is not a crazy idea... 

Now I know that you'll say that my "lost waves" go against my complaint with Star Trek.  You're correct... from a certain point of view. I dislike that Playmates is using "kids" as their excuse to be lazy with these Trek Figures. I'd rather have them take the Hasbro approach: same scale, updated sculpt and articulation, OR go full vintage, as my "lost waves" idea. (Same articulation style, same level of detail) 

If Playmates bothered to make an actual effort, we could've had a Marvel Legends equivalent for TMNT... It's sad to see Billie Eilish action figures get the treatment that TMNT Deserves.

Maybe it's time for nickelodeon to rethink the TMNT toy contract with Playmates...

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