38 years of being a Teenager: An interview with Hamato Mikerangero

 Sorry if I butchered the Japanese pronunciation, but my Japanese knowledge comes from Duolingo and watching Family Friendly anime... and I mean really FAMILY FRIENDLY...

This segment is a spin-off of the Life After the Neitlichverse, where I was supposed to interview MOTU characters to see where they were after Classics continuity ended... I will do some of those later, but Now I want to expand that idea and go beyond MOTUC and interview other people from different universes... No, I will NOT interview Cryborg... Today's guest, as I already mentioned is Hamato Mikerangero... also known as Orange Ninja Turtle, the party dude, so, Mikey, welcome to the show...

"Dude, it's totally awesome being here! What you did to the green room was radical!"

Well, the room is meant to help chillax and I just, uh, had it full of chillaxing stuff!! And extra pizza with customizable toppings for my guest!!

Dude, did you try banana and nutella?

No, but now I wanna. I went with tuna spread and mango...

Did you heat up the tuna in the oven or put it on later... not sure about putting mayo in the oven...

Heat up the pizza as normal, once hot, remove the crust and add the tuna spread on top. Roll it like sushi and then add the bits of mango... it's fantastic...

Hmm now tell me that you dipped the crusts in Wendy's frosty?

You HAD FROSTIES? Why no one told me about that! I used mint chocolate ice cream!

Dude, I gotta try that... now, I gotta ask: You're American, raised in a Japanese Household, so Okonomiyaki/pizza hybrid, yay or nay?

Kansai style or Hiroshima style? Also, is it an okonomiyaki with pizza toppings or a pizza with okonomiyaki toppings? There are so many variables on this... I've tried them all. They're an acquired taste for those with more Western palates. 

Damn, I thought that this would've gotten an easy answer... then again, hello! I'm talking with the Pizza connoisseur that rivals Norville Rogers and his extravagant palate.

Dude! Unlike Mr. Rogers, I can handle my meat... 

Umm, *giggling*

Dude! That's not what I meant!

You do you, dude... I know what you meant, you're not a vegan like Shaggy. So you know how to add some seemingly weird combos to pizza... Now, THE pizza question:

Pineapple: yay or nay?

Ooh! You HAD to go there... pineapple is a confusing ingredient, like Chocolate covered grasshoppers or anchovies. They sound gross, but with the right combination of ingredients, they can be made to taste great! 

Hey, you two! Stop writing the 

stoner's guidebook for pizza and get started on the interview...

I've already started the interview, Spike!! So, you're 38 years old and still a teenager... what's it like being, you know, the laid-back, king of the chill, hero in a half shell?

It's really hard being me, dude... I love my dad, Master Splinter, but he trained me and my brothers into being his child soldiers to finish a blood feud between the Hamato and the Oroku.

Everybody thinks that being a ninja is badass... it is, don't get me wrong, but they don't see the darkness that comes with it. You see these hands? These are the hands of a killer, dude! These hands were trained,ever since I could walk and talk, as weapons of human destruction. When I paint realistic human portraits, it's not simply because I can appreciate the beauty in your species. It's because I've studied human anatomy and understand the thousands of ways to end a life. I know which bones to break and cause minor, but severely painful injuries, as well as those to make a swift death look accidental. 

Holy shit, this went dark...

Dude, it gets worse. I am a mellow dude, mostly because I'm afraid... yeah, afraid of the darkness within. I often wish that the feud would end so we could be in peace and that my hands could devote themselves entirely to create instead of destruction. I paint, I write, I dabble in sculpting, because, I want to create, but I am honorbound to my family and must ensure that the feud ends honorably, preferably with the least amount of casualties as possible. I know that Leo is the "honor dude", but honor often requires payments in blood or life... and maybe I'm a bit more of a pacifist...

This is heavy. I was expecting something about partying, having fun, you know, something nice!

I get it, dude! Everyone thinks that I'm the laidback dude, which I am, but, I'm just painting the background on WHY I am something of a hedonist. I'm aware that the term hedonism is a bit loaded, but here's how I Hamato Michelangelo interpret hedonism. Seeking pleasure over pain. It sounds like the common definition, but I'm aware that a certain amount of pain is required to achieve balance. That way we can value the pleasant moments more...

Hmm, I see... kinda like the Bob Ross darkness and light speech.

So, I, as a teenager, I enjoy having fun, do some gaming, dance, paint, write, read, skate, surf, to LIVE!! Spreading happiness through a well timed joke, a silly impression, or simply having fun! If I can make a person smile...

Maybe my shitty life has a purpose...

I wasn't going to use those words, but the idea is similar...

To me it sounds like the mask of a depressed person... I should know, I'm dealing with it... and I use lame attempts at humor as a way to feel some worthiness... but I'm working through my issues with professional help.

That's awesome, dude! The part about getting therapy and working through your issues, I mean! But you may be right... I could be dealing with depression, but it's kinda hard to find a therapist that will work with an uninsured mutant terrapin. Back on topic, I'm into partying, having fun, because it's fun! Think about it: 4 Homeschooled teenage boys, who have been training with a deadlier version of Mr. Miyagi... we eat, drink, sleep Ninjitsu... partying and arts is where I'm just Mikey, not  Michelangelo of Clan Hamato. Leonardo does his katas and his samurai thing... He writes Haiku, meditates, prunes bonsai, you've played Ghost of Tsushina? He goes all Sakai Jin and shit, especially when Usagi shows up! He, as squad leader has a ton of pressure and he doesn't fully know how to unwind... how to be Leonardo the brother instead of Squad Leader Hamato Leonardo. When Father put him in charge, Leo changed. Now he's wound up too tight with his responsibilities and he's mostly focused on how to become a better leader and step up once Fath... Master Splinter is no longer able to be Grandmaster of the Hamato Clan. 

Donatello does machines... he disassembles junk and mades some cool stuff from it. Sometimes he overcomplicates things... But he's the brainy dude! Machines are his thing and he understands them better than he does people.

Let me guess, Raphael is cool but rude?

Gimme a break! He's a brawler... a 5'1" ball of pure unadulterated anger sandwiched between a super hard shell... but despite his badass facade, lies one of the most tender hearts that you've ever met... and I'm going to be so dead now... Yeah, Raph's super tough, a bit hard-headed, but his heart is in the right place. Despite his bickering with Leo regarding missions, there's no one else I'd rather have in my corner. My bro is passionate about what he believes, but sucks at expressing his feelings in verbal ways that aren't snarky. I guess he feels like the burden of Leadership might be too much for Leo and that's why he craves that position. He wants to take the burden off of Leo's shell, but his pride doesn't allow him to properly express himself.

Anyways how is your sex life?

Did you just made a reference to The Room? Dude, I'm a 5'1" Bipedal Turtle. If my brothers and I went to Japan, we could star in shokushu goukan movies... DON'T GOOGLE IT!!

It's Tentacle stuff... I'm a novice in that genre, but some of my favorite H-stuff is in that genre.

Dude, you really are a sukebe... As I was saying:

As a Bipedal Turtle, my dating pool is really small... I can't be with human girls since...

Your monster turtle dong would kill them... based on your previous reference... of course! I totally did not google Turtle Penis.

He totally did...

Spike! How about less snark and more clip rolling?

Whoa, dude! Low blow! We don't talk about Oprah, no no no... There's Jennika, but right now she's a vagitarian. There's Venus who may or may not be my sister... I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of Raph and Alopex or Raph and Mona Lisa... depends on which continuity we're referencing.

Yikes! But, back on topic: You say, you want to end the feud, let's say, the feud ends tomorrow in a peaceful manner, what are Hamato Michelangelo's plans after the war?

Oh Jeez, dude! I was expecting that question, but it still caught me off-guard. It's the reason why I'm fighting, you know.... Arts... it's what motivates me. Like my namesake, I want to explore, painting, sculpting, you know, arts! Maybe music and voice acting, since being a 5'1" Turtle can make finding normal acting jobs more difficult. If humanity's attitude towards mutants change, I might even go to college and get a degree... probably in Humanities and of course enjoy some frat parties while I'm at it!

Ah, Humanities, the impractical degrees! As a fellow student of Humanities, I should advise you to get a minor in something practical,  otherwise your degree will net you retail jobs... also, Graphic Designers are a dime a dozen. Now, we danced around the main issue, but touched it barely... What's the deal with April?

Dude, again, it depends on continuity... sometimes she's a 20-something MILF, sometimes she's like our sister from another species, and sometimes she's a sista from another mista...

But have you guys... you know...

Duuude only on R34 continuity! Or the Neftyverse... normally we're great friends! And in most continuities she sticks to her own species... much to my chagrin... Raph and Donnie aren't too fond of that either...

As much fun as I had today, Mike, I guess this is where we have to cut this interview short, since Spike is either making an interpretative dance, or the Network bosses aren't happy about my choice of topics. Next time Join me as we interview Lion-O from Thundercats Roar!! Like hell, we are! Mike. Let's finish this with style...

With style dude? Cowabunga!! Booyakasha!! 

Aw dammit!