So, I watched Zack Snyder's Army of the Dead

 Another divisive Zack Snyder film. Some people claim it's great, others claim it's dumb. One thing is certain: it has WAY TOO MANY SNYDERISMS... as almost always: Spoilers, britches!

The movie starts by ruining Suspicious Minds by The King of Rock and Roll in the most Zack Snyder way that ever Zack Snydered. 3 minutes in and I'm already eye rolling... Damn you Zack Snyder, damn you to hell!! And now Zack Snyder is channeling his Nazi Classmate. I'm talking about Michael Bay...

The S stands for Snyder's gonna fuck this up!

A blowjob gone wrong unleashed the zombie plague. Why is the movie so out of focus? It's an "artistic choice" done on purpose... Damn you Zack Snyder!! Damn you to hell!! 7 minutes in and I have a headache...  

Now Snyder ruins Viva Las Vegas because it's Zack Snyder... oh look Zombie Showgirls showing zombie titties... Mr. Female empowerment, yo! But he added male stripper zombies, showing their pecs so equality!! (With 300, the DCEU films, one could make the case that Zack Snyder is a citizen of Narnia due to his use of homophobia mixed with homoerotic imagery... best seen in 300.) Seriously, most of Snyder's villains are implied homosexuals, or became evil after being sodomized...

Xerxes, implied gay. Ozymandias, implied gay. Lex Luthor, raped by his father. Where was I? The intro to Army of the Dead. While the music selection makes the most sense, being Las Vegas and all that, it's still a Zack Snyder movie. The zombie battle montage is OK, not gonna lie, but I've had better. The scene with troops parachuting down the Statue of Liberty replica feels more at home somewhere else...

At 11:49 on the film there's a portrait floating in the air. Now that I got my Batista is stealing John Cena's gimmick out of the way, let's force myself to retell my experience.

Donald Trump got a semi chub the moment they built the wall around Las Vegas... two reasons: Wall and that Las Vegas is being shut down. Something something take that for denying the gaming license... I mean he thought Christian Bale was actually Bruce Wayne.

I took a screenshot of me taking a picture from the TV... it was an artistic choice made on purpose to mock Zack Snyder's bad choices.
Also, screenplay by Zack Snyder... 

And they're going to Raccoon City Las Vegas.  Batista is asked to Ocean's Eleven something out of Götterdämmerung... wait... I know I've heard this term before... something something compressed boobs, something something ghetto florist panties, something something breaking limits...final act of Der Ring des Nibelungen...  THAT'S THE GERMAN WORD FOR RAGNAROK, which is the Nordic equivalent to Apocalypse... get it? An Apocalyptic Heist in a zombie Apocalypse out of a place called Apocypse... This is so pretentious that I'd almost think that Hideo Kojima had something to do with this... speaking of Hideo Kojima... he thought this movie turned his head into a zombie... damn, even Hideo Kojima is launching some passive aggressive snark at Snyder. Of cousre we have a creepy guard that preys on women (who looks a bit Latino), because Joss Whedon is a pervert for doing similar scenes. 

PTSD in slow-motion because ZS!! 

So Batista accepts to Ocean's Eleven this thing. Now hat we kinda have a team, let's get this going. Now to be fair, some of the scenes with Digitally Added Tig Notaro look pretty good... I mean, if you don't know about the truth, she looks seamless... but there are some scenes that... let's say that Superman's mustache removal was a smidge better. But the main issue is that the performances kinda tell that the cast isn't reacting to her and that she isn't reacting to the cast. I solely place the blame on the direction and editing here. Editing because splicing these in a way that seems normal is a bit hard. But most of the blame lies on the directing. If THESE are the best takes, then it's the director's fault. Of course the cult will blame Notaro, because Zack Snyder is infallible. He loves his deceased daughter, therefore he cannot be criticized. All Hail Zack Snyder!!  

Also, love how the safecracker had to spoonfeed the audience the whole Götterdämmerung and its meaning... but Zack Snyder doesn't need to spoonfeed everything like those MCU hack directors... that's why you don't get it! Said the Snyderites as their main defense for the DCEU, yet here we are.

As always with Snyder films, what could be told in 2 minutes, Snyder takes 20. Slow-motion, characters posing as the camera pans on them, goddammit movie! Get to the point already!

Towers of the hotel are called Sodom and Gomorrah... real subtle there, Zack... any more pretentious religious references you want to add? Or is this the part where we ask the deppressed kid to get in the robot? No, Snyderites, this is not a jab at his dead daughter. This is an EVANGELION reference.

Gotta give credit to Snyder for the small anti-PC jab... because he's like SUPER LIBERAL. He said so himself, which is weird, since his movies do have a lot of Libertarian and Right leaning messages. My issue is not whether his right leaning tendencies are good or bad. My issue is how he cowardly calls himself a liberal while having conservative views in order to avoid the twitter mob. At least have the decency of calling yourself a centrist if you agree with things on both either side and disagree on others, or have the cojones to actually call yourself right wing.I may disagree with some of the things Kevin Sorbo has said, but I respect the man for not trying to pretend he's something he's not. But back to the movie... Damn you Zack Snyder for making me bring politics into a zombie Heist movie... damn you to Hell!! 

Ah the B-plot... wait that was Batista's daughter?

Geeta is missing! Dammit! I'm so making a K-On! Reference now... Batista's daughter joined the party... make your bets now, she'll be causing 99.4% of the problems to the point that Batista will die for her... something something, Zack Snyder's symbolism saying that if he could he would've traded places with Autumn... 

I know what you might say next: Nefty, you have said that Snyder has used his daughter's death to promote himself. How can you say this now.

I know I've said that. I still stand by it , but at the same time, I know of grief and to this day, If I could trade places with my Mom, I'd gladly do it without thinking twice. Maybe, I'm trying to believe that maybe we have something in common. Our love for someone we lost.

Gott im Himmel! Wo sind Siegfried und Roy!? We have a Zombie Tiger... not to be confused with 🍌🐅...  so creepy cop is an offering to the Alphas. Now we're getting modern feminism from Zack Snyder... am I in bizarro world?

The female Alpha Zombie is here... she's wearing a tiara and a red top with blue bottoms... feels like we need something here. 

Fuck damn the out of focus bullshit!! And the weird nod to WW lives in Olympus... a bit on the nose there, eh Zacky? 

I was joking about the WW reference...
Damn you Zack Snyder damn you to hell!!

So creepy guard is now a sacrifice to Alpha Zero... no, it's not a Street Fighter reference. Back to the main story. The team is walking past sleeping zombies that may spring into action... what are the rules here? If exposed to the sun they dry out, but come back to life in the rain. Some of them sleep while standing others walk around normally. We have normal zombies, super zombies, zombified animals... the rules are almost as nonsensical as keeping a Mogwai.

Wait, was Carrot Top a zombie?

And the first two victims aren't white... what a surprise... 

They reach a casino and Batista's daughter argues with the coyote. Now they discover they weren't the A-Team. The Gvt. Mole is gonna kill the coyote, just like Headband girl. I feel bad about Dave Bautista. The one protagonist role he gets is in a fucking Zack Snyder Zombie movie, that I swear is making my IQ drop by the minute... and I still got over an hour to go... gonna feel like 8. It's not like he's a great actor to begin with, but he's doing an adequate job here. I feel that he needs something better than a Zack Snyder movie... 

Safecracker loses his zombie killing virginity and now he's  super hard for the safe. So coyote and Judas summon the Alphas...

Geeta's alive!! Don't tell Yui!! Judas ties up not Wonder Woman and other Alpha attacks him until Coyote blows its brains off. Alpha zero takes one of the hostages. And holy shit, is this a Clash of the Titans reference mixed with Aliens? You're getting into Hideo Kojima territory by making references to works greater than yours, Zacky... wait... is this Humor I see? In a Zack Snyder movie!? Wait Zack Snyder trying to not so subtly imply that he wants to direct Resident Evil movies? Zombies, traitors, death trap puzzles, super zombies, and messed up animals. The only way this could be Resident Evil is if Leon saves the Redfield bloodline...  The US President in Army of the Dead might be Zack Snyder... he thought that dropping a nuke on the 4th of July would've been the ultimate fireworks display and kinda cool... because that's how Snyder operates. It's all about being cool instead of what serves the story. And now in Resident Evil fashion the protagonist has a short time window to escape destruction.

Alpha Zero has a zombie horse and now is pissed that de queen is dead. Don't tell me she was pregnant. Please God, tell me that she isn't pregnant. If she's pregnant, I swear... Wait did Batista's daughter just endanger the mission... KNEW IT!! German safecracker opened the safe... surprised that Snyder didn't use the pretentious Hallelujah here... They're Bruce Wayne rich!! And none of their mothers are called Martha!!

The Alphas are having a Zombie Lamentation...

A zombie Fetus... Damn you Zack Snyder damn you to hell!! 

You pushed my hand, Zack Snyder... a Zombie fetus...

Zombies are attacking and Alpha Zero has a bullet resistant mask. Meanwhile Batista's daughter is running alone to the Olympus, while all the Zombies attack the hotel where Batista is. And Sister Encarnación got her neck snapped comically... a 180 twist... guess she died without getting Batista Bombed... Judas finally betrays the team, but not only that, Alpha Zero is here... wait, Robot Zombies!? Damn you Zack Snyder damn you to hell!! Wait, are Alpha Zero and Man of Color going to fight Hand to Hand? Wait, did German dude just...

Judas got played!! Haha! And say hello to the Zombie Tigerr taking out the trash. Wait the zombie tiger is biting and clawing in does that mean he'll turn into a zombie or is that only reserved to human zombies biting a human? How do you even make a zombie tiger in the first place? I know I asked that before but seriously how? Ok Zack, I see you didn't want to go there. Would you look at that all the non-whites are dying here... The African American dude was locked in the vault, so his death will be slower and painful... meanwhile, Batista's daughter is still looking for Geeta as if she was Yui Hirasawa... oh look creepy cop is here. Coyote is stalling with de queen... I guess she knows de wae. I WAS WRONG. She got speared by Alpha Zero and she dropped the head.

Movie just hurry up and end already... seriously, the zombies on foot are moving almost as fast as a heli... damn you Zack Snyder damn you to hell!! Creepy cop killed a hostage.  Alpha zero arrived to the hostages before Batista? Bullshit!

I forgot, a Zack Snyder movie... Alpha zero pulled an Arnie and got to da choppa... wounded Tig Notaro, snapped Batista's arm... the nuke is coming and Batista was bitten. The chopper crashed and Vegas is no more.

The brat made it out alive. Tig Notaro died, seems that Geeta died too. Batista is put down by the brat... what bullshit is this? The dude got out of the cell WITH THE MONEY!? What kind of Indiana Jones bullshit is this!? I stand corrected, a non-white survived... wait is that zombie by The Cranberries?

And I undo my correction. He ended up being bitten...

What can I say about this movie?

Now, now Shao Kahn: You can't be critical of Zack Snyder... the man lost his daughter, don't you know? It would be devastating to know that he pulled another stinker here.

I have to be fair it wasn't Sucker Punch Bad, but it was WAY WORSE than Dawn of the Dead. Honestly I feel that had roughly 30 40 minutes of the movie could have been shaven off. As always with Zack Snyder lots of Meandering Bloodlines that go nowhere incredibly awkward dialog seems that drag ridiculously too long holy shit I discussing Zack Snyder or Tommy Wiseau? Army of the Dead is the Zombie movie equivalent of The Room... minus the charm of being the first movie made by someone who had absolutely no clue on how to make movies at the time... I'm talking about Tommy Wiseau...

Snyder had over 20 films/documentaries/etc. Under his belt by the time he made Army of the Dead. Yet, as a professional director, Snyder made a lot of amateur mistakes with this film. 

As I've said before, I was hoping that this movie wouldn't suck. Sadly I didn't get so lucky. Now the Snyderwhine-a-thon will continue, because no one was able to understand the artistry of his movies. 

If you hate Zack Snyder, why did you expect this movie to be different?

Because Dawn of the Dead was actually good!! And without any pesky source material hilding him back, I thought he would have done something good...

Well, he DID SUCKER PUNCH and that's 100% original.

Shit, you got me there... is it too late to change my story and say that I did this for the readers and how much I love them?

Too late and asskissing will get you nowhere...

Well, just avoid watching this... it's bad... JL Snydercut is a far better movie... hell, the animated owl movie is better than this. The studio cut of MARTHA!! is better than this. Metal Gear Survive is better than this. Hell I'd rather replay from zero death stranding than watch this movie ever again