Jul 3, 2015

Flinging Popcorn at Final Fantasy VII-2: The movie.

Ah, Advent Children, the Sequel Cutscene to Final Fantasy VII... a "Movie" that is confusing if you haven't played Final Fantasy VII, or a huge piece of fanservice if you've burned through one or two copies of FFVII. Doing all these FFVII reviews has made me want to do a play by play to this movie, because it's shorter than making a review of FFVII on PC or Crisis Core on the PSP... Lately I've noticed that I have less time to play games. This will be a Purei bai purei commentari so, there will be Spoilers. Also, this is the Standard version, not the Complete version of FFVII:AC.
So, the movie starts with a sort of thank you to the fans. Reunion? You think you're so clever movie... Before it truly begins with the end of Final Fantasy VII. We have Red XIII (Who I need to get a figure of) with his "Nanakids" running off to the ruins of Midgar.

498 Years Ago!! (The ending of VII states that Nanaki is alive 500 years later... Do the math)

We start with Elena and Tseng (He was alive!?) at the Northern Crater)
Wait! RAIDEN!? Reno is Raiden!? Holy crap! Quinton Flynn is in this and he's playing Reno... (Axel's twin brother? Got it Memorized?)
Gunshots, Pronoun game! The fate of the TURKS is uncertain!

Lifestream, the perfect backdrop to give us some super summarized backstory of VII by Marlene... Barret's adoptive daughter. Now we see the Sister Ray firing a blast towards the Northern Crater, Meteorb, Jenova at Nibelheim... Silver Haired Momma's boy on FIRE!!
This is the Barret I want made by Play Arts...
Now we see the cast of VII...

On the Standard version Cait Sith doesn't ride his Moogle, which is a load of crap.

We only get to see the Moogle on the Advent Children Complete version...

This Cait Sith NEEDS to be
made by Play Arts!

It's so weird that Cait Sith is now Moogle-less.

I also need this Cid to be done by Play Arts.
Keep rubbing salt on the wound, SquEnix

also OBJECTION! I spot a contradiction! Yuffie and Vincent are inside the Crater and according to Dirge of Cerberus, they were supposed to stay in Midgar to help evacuate.
Sick sumbitches show bits of Aerith's death! Lifestream stopping Meteor... crap! I have goosebumps! I'm too attached to this universe!

The city of Edge... No, not THAT Edge! There's a Monument to the FFVII Logo on it. According to the FF Wiki it's a city built on the outskirts of Sectors 3 and 4.

Children seem to be the focus of the movie... and a bunch of hobos.
This new kid, Denzel, has Geostigma... The FFVII Leprosy.
Also, Denzel looks like Sora.

Tifa got a breast reduction and sounds like Josie of the Pussycats.
Cloud is a deadbeat dad to Denzel. Speaking of deadbeats, Barret is a deadbeat dad to Marlene. She now lives with Cloud, Tifa, and the kid that I don't care about.

Tifa plays the Pronoun game. (It's Reno)

Apparently Cloud dumped the Buster Sword where Zack died. There's even a wolf standing there and stuff.
Tifa informs Cloud by phone about Reno, who is in Healin? Where the Hell is that!? According to the Wiki it's somewhere between Edge and the Chocobo farm. 8:16 until the title shows up? Nice bike, Cloud!
Apparently JENOVA pains are hitting Cloud because a flash of "Cell like structures" showed when he gasped in pain. (Geostigma is the JENOVA induced leprosy)

3 Silver haired bikers kick the Buster Sword off of Zack's grave...
Douchenozzles! They talk about big brother and mother...
Silver haired momma's boys... Sephiroth has a family!? Dafuq?
Two of them (Loz and Yazoo) summones some sort of shadow dogs to attack Cloud. He responds by using a new sword...

Wait, Cloud's the brother? Cloud has brothers? OR is this a JENOVA thing? Think about it. Cloud killed Sephiroth TWICE! So, now Cloud is the newest Big cluster of JENOVA cells. If JENOVA is still under control, then these guys can locate Cloud because of the JENOVA Reunion Theory.

While Loz and Yazoo fight Cloud on a Crazy Motorcycle Chase 2.0, Kadaj is at the phone with "Someone"... I wanna say Sephiroth, but Sephiroth is a little dead right now and I don't think he'd be one to go and get a new Cell Phone. Wait, it was a TURK and now Kadaj wants to talk to Rufus (He's the only president left and He's ALIVE!?)

Cloud lost his sword and sunglasses... Oh crap! The Silver trio left... I'm confused too, Cloud.

Ah, I see. Barret is no deadbeat. He was jes' looking for oil, foo!
So we reached this Healen Lodge which is between Edge and the Chocobo Farm... The directions on the sign make no sense if you look at a FFVII Map...
Google a Final Fantasy VII Map and try to make sense of this.

Cloud makes an ass out of Reno as he meets up with The Rock and Rufus! Flashback to his not death! Cloud has no time for exposition... Goddammit, Cloud! How do you expect people to figure out what's going on if you don't let them speak!!

Sephiroth is dead! I guess we can dance in our underwear!
Kadaj's gang is doing, uh, stuff and Rufus wants to hire Cloud, but is being an enigmatic ass about it. Just tell him about this "Mother" crap... (*psst!* If it has Silver hair and whines about mommy, it's probably JENOVA) Luckily for us Reno screwed up the deal! Yay Raiden!
Tifa and Marlene visit Aerith's Ghetto Church and find out that Cloud likes to play Hobo on this church. Now Tifa and Marlene discover that he has JENOVA Leprosy.

Tifa wants to leave because Cloud's Mopey Hobo Stank has infested the Church and Marlene wants to be a Family with Tifa, Cloud, and what'shisname!? She has forgotten about Barret.

Ah, so Kadaj and his brothers were the cause of the TURKish Mayhem at the start of the movie.

Huh, so they were JENOVA people... we get Reunion for dummies speech from Kadaj, who seems to be slightly more effeminate than Sephiroth.
Also all three seem to be crybabies who cause the JENOVA Leprosy.
Also, seizure causing Momma's boys fighting for screentime.

Cloud went back to Zacks grave to put the Buster Sword in place...
Poor Angeal, his blade got dull and rusted...

Crisis Core flashbacks/Silver Haired Momma's boy trying to get some screen time made Cloud kneel in pain. Careful Cloud, your JENOVA is showing.

Loz shows up and feels Cloud's Hobo stank. BATTLE TIME!! VII Fanfare!! Tifa won!! Was Marlene rubbing Tifa's ass? Loz answers his phone and he's not crying. I guess Tifa should have used a frying pan. Marlene hits Loz with a Materia... She literally tosses the Materia at him.
Wait Cloud kept the Materia on a chest on a Church on the slums where EVERYONE can get in?

Hobo Sora is now with another girl with JENOVA leprosy and taking a ride with strangers... I guess these kids never saw 80s cartoons!

Cloud returns to the Hobolair and finds Tifa KO'd. He realized the Materia is gone and he's getting stronger JENOVA pains. This time his hands were oozing gunk and he fainted.

Luckily a Wolf was nearby circling his prey.

Cloud wakes up next to Tifa, but in SEPARATE BEDS... There is no hanky panky in FFVII (unless you count Cloud getting raped by one man, or gangbanged in a hot tub.)

Oh, the TURDS rescued them. Seriously, these two losers are LECTURING Cloud.

Kadaj equips Materia...

Tifa wakes up and berates Cloud. The TURKS tell Cloud where the Children are so he leaves to the City of the Ancients.

The green line shows the possible rout that Cloud Took from
Edge to the Forgotten City. He totally should have used
a Gold Chocobo.
Here's a reminder kids, Cloud rode his bike ACROSS THE OCEAN to reach the Forgotten City.

I think Kadaj bought some really cheap clothing because It's dripping dye all over the pool... wait, isn't that where I dumped...
Kadaj is drinking the Kool-Aid, literally.
Eww! Dirty JENOVA Leprous Kids enter the pool and drink the Kool-Aid. I Cloud dumped a dead body two years ago in there!!

Marlene tries to stop NOT SORA from drinking the Kool-aid. I just Realized that Marlene is kinda wearing her hair in an Aerith inspired style.

Cloud pulls a Haley Joel Osment and has a chat with the Dead Ghetto Florist.

He nearly died as the Sephyboys attack him. Cloud now wields two swords!

Kadaj starts using Weaponized Children to stop Cloud. He also rambles a lot. Cloud vs the 3... Cool! BLADE MOTHERLOVING BEAM!!!!

Wait wuuut? Cloud's swords can fuse!? HOLY Mother of Aerith!

Cloud lost his cellphone as Spawn's Cape began to fight Kadaj and protect Cloud.

Vincent is more in the know than Cloud. He ALSO LEAVES THE MANSION!? HOLY CRAP! And Yes, that is Steve Blum... Spike Spiegel is Vincent. Who helped Cloud join all the dots. dude! Vince! Don't go spoiling the end of the movie! Now Cloud realizes he has no phone... How is he going to play Angry Birds now?
Wait, Marlene can fit perfectly inside Vincent's Cape? Vincent suddenly has become SUPER CREEPY!

Wait, now we're back in the past? Ooh! Ultimatium, Dead girl or Tifa... Now Cloud and Vincent try to Out-emo each other.

Cloud's phone is waterproof and plays all messages at once! Even from the Afterlife!
That Wolf keeps coming and going... In the meantime, Kadaj and Company are using child slave labor to break the Game's Logo.
Not to mention shadow dogs to scare people.

Tifa is here to save Denzel, who now has cat eyes. The Sephyclones get a dose of TURKS Sandwich.

Kadaj talks to Rufus from the top of a building. He explains that he's trying to bring Sephiroth back to life.
Ooh! Rufus is so badass he made the back of my neck tingle!


Kadaj equipped a Green Materia, we never saw him equip a Red (Summon) Materia! Also, That Bahamut looks very FFX-like.
Bahamut saves Tifa from a Shadow Dog.
Oh, They're using Bahamut to push the logo down.
TURKS are useless!
Bye bye FFVII Logo!

Rude may not suplex a Train, but he suplexed a Clone!
Oh crap! Rude lost his glasses... Momma's boys are mad about JENOVA being a disembodied head.

It's official, this movie made Tifa weak.

Barret's back and he's got a new gun... and Cait Sith and Nanaki kicking ass! Yuffie!! still has motion sickness!
Stupid kid, those are the heroes who saved the world.
Haha... Vincent needs a phone.
Cloud's late...

Now Cloud and Tifa ride into battle! The team is kicking so much ass! Sadly it's not enough to stop Bahamut! Wait is that Kim Possible voicing Yuffie?

BRAVER!! Cloud pulled off Braver!
Kadaj should have summoned Knights of the Round!
Rufus is a lot better and tossed JENOVA down the building.
The team is pulling a mega fastball special... mmmm! A Hyper Climhazard!? This needs some help from beyond... Speak of the devil!
Now Seifer from FFVIII is not the only one who can slice a summon in half!

Kadaj jumps to save JENOVA and Rufus kills it. The TURKS save Rufus and Kadaj runs like a wuss with his brethren. Cloud gives them chase in his bike and they fight. Crazy Motorcycle Chase 3.0! If Cloud can cut through Bahamut, a bike stands no chance! Neither can Loz and Yazoo's weapons.

The TURKS are trying to be cool... With the TURKS theme! Are Loz and Yazoo dead?
Now Crazy Motorcycle Chase 4.0! Cloud vs Kadaj. Ew! Cloud cover that ugly thing!

Ugh! They're at Cloud's Hobolair and Kadaj is now a crying orphan...
They're ruining the flowers!!

Great Gospel!! Aerith heals Cloud from beyond her watery grave and weakens Kadaj! Now the fight has headed to the ShinRa Building.
JENOVA Theme remix is getting my blood pumping! The team decides to Let Cloud fight this one alone... Yuffie becomes a modern feminist by crying sexism left and right... (Now to be fair, Cid's remark was a bit sexist, but I need to poke fun at the situation.)
Yuffie, you forgot to ask for people to donate to your
Patreon account!
Here Kadaj ate some JENOVA snot...
Hit it Spike!

Sephiroth is back... Anger rising... Must not punch PC. He's still hung op on doing what Mommy wants too!

Marlene senses Dead People... Meanwhile, Cloud keeps fighting, but he seems to be no match to Sephiroth. NEW LIMIT BREAK!!! OMNISLASH V5!
Ding dong, the 'roth is dead and only Kadaj remains.
They shot him from behind...
Aerith takes Kadaj and heals people with her Super Great Gospel. Tifa is the only one who thanks Aerith.

Yazoo and Loz are alive!? Now they killed themselves to totally kill Cloud.

Once again, Cloud is surfing the Lifestream and is saved by the Ghetto Florist and Zack. Now Cloud is at the now flooded Church. the flowers are ruined, but the Emo Hobo stank is now gone! Bunch of kids waiting for Cloud, because some strange told them to...
now I give unto you, Cloud the Baptist! Denzel is healed now. It's pool party time!

As everyone jumps into the pool to be baptized we get to see the Church Glitch from Disc two happen in Advent Children.
Church Glitch is now canon

"I'm totally gonna tap that in the Afterlife"-Zack Fair
Sorry Cloud, but Zack is going to be tapping that in the afterlife!

 Wait, Albedo was Rude! Loz is Hulk!? Rufus was the Arkham Asylum Riddler!? Cid Is Spider-Ham!? Barret was the Mayor in Hannah Montana: The Movie!?

So, that's Advent Children... I have to say that the Nostalgia goggles made this movie better. After looking at it from a Critical point of view, I have to say that it's NOT THAT good. Also, it would have made a LOUSY game... Even if you KNOW FFVII, you can get a bit lost UNLESS, you read the supplementary material... Last time I checked it was in Japanese. Yes, I know th wolf is Symbolic.

Now there is a TINY part of me that wants to do

a Large Part of me is saying NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

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