Reptile's left leg just gave up on me. The thigh clio that holds to the ball in the torso shattered without touching the figure. He simply fell down. I reattached the leg, which was already loose. Set him up and he fell again. Clip shattering in the process... not cool... So I decide to watch the Big Show Show Christmas special and Surprise! WE CAN BE HEROES aka The Sequel to the Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl that no one asked for, especially without Taylor pedowolf Jacob Lautner. Of course I'll watch it and spoil the hell out of it, cause I'm pissed about Reptile.
We have a child narrating the fall of the heroes and quick title screen. Little girl waking up in the morning... better stop before I start making Rebecca Black references. The kid goes to school after her dad messed up breakfast and wait a minute!! Her dad is Mando!! Looks like he got over Baby Yoda pretty fast... what, you thought I was gonna call him Gogurt? So, Mando is going to break the promise he made to his non-Baby Yoda child, and hero up. Ooh, they mentioned Sharkboy and Lavagirl!! 6 minutes in and the world has gone up in shit so badly that ALL THE HEROES MUST BE SUMMONED TO STOP THE ALIEN THREAT... which they will fail and a bunch of kids with little to zero training will easily defeat... No, I haven't seen the movie yet, but it's a kid's movie. We know That will happen because, Have you seen Harry Pottah?
Like I said, Mando suits up. His kid is picked up from school by the Heroics agents... and I'm getting some bad guy vibes from Mrs. Nick Jonas. Yes, I'm aware that priyanka Chopra is her own person, but the only thing I know her from is from banging a Jonas Brother... and this. So if I call her the Jonasbanger it's not as an insult to her. It's a lot easier than saying she was in Zack Efron's Baywatch but she was so forgettable in it that only thanks to Imdb I know she was in it... now that would be insulting to Joe Jonas's sister-in-law.
So Mrs. Jonas locks not Gogurt in a classroom dungeon with the kids of other heroes... wait are Sharkboy and Lavagirl background characters and their kid is a supporting role, while not Gogurt is the protagonist?
Kid in a wheelchair... oh no, nonononono...
They call him Wheels... oh the cringe is strong with this one. We have a black kid who stretches a la Reed Richards called Noodles. Then there's a girl called Ojo who can only speak through drawings... Is this some kind of sick joke? Aside having Christian Slater on a jetpack, we have a girl whose super power is drawing? We have a girl called A Cappella whose super power is singing... Damn, Dazzler and Jubilee must feel relieved. Oh wait, Ojo predicts the future with drawings... that's kinda cool. A shapeshifter and a oair of twins who can rewind and fast forward time for a few seconds. A Wild Card with all the powers but zero focus... ah I see, so Sharkboy and Lavagirl's kid is a supporting role because she's a smidge above toddler but beneath tween... in other words a kid. So not Gogurt will creep up to leadership because she's not a moron like the rest of them. The kids saw on live tv the fall of their parents... Yikes! Also, the US President is a moron who can't form two sentences together... I won't say any names, but we all know who us the target of that jab by the movie.
The kids decide to escape the facility, because they are an easy target there... also because they need to escape in order to do child adventuring in a kid's movie. Wild Card is a douche, noted. So the kids make their escape. They reach Not Gogurt's grandma who happens to be the trainer of all heroes. Looks like Abuelita will train them in 2 hours before the end of the world... Also, Not Gogurt's bracelet is leading the Jonasbanger to them.
The kids ID4 themselves into the Mothership... they end up being chased by a tentacled creature... Hopefully not one from Japan... YOU don't have any idea how long I resisted to make a tentacle joke with this movie!! I had to resist half the movie but I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Oh jeez, the President is working with the bad guys... again, we know who this Prez is supposed to be a parody of, but I won't say any names. Oh look, Priyanka Chopra was the bad guy all along...The kids get captured and They aliens put Abuelita with the heroes... Big mistake. The kids comment about the aliens hacking the election to put their own President in... Ooh I'm smelling a massive boycott to this movie on an alternative social media site... seriously Land Dump Rot fans must hate this movie... not because it's bad, but because it mocks their hero. And while I wrote this, the kids started crying to power up Guppy and escape the room they were captured in... something the Heroics were unable to do even with the Mighty Abuelita with them... because Kid's movie!!
Wait, Ojo was the traitor? Even I didn't expect this... I know I saw Ojo draw a single eyed alien and... Robert Rodriguez, you son of a bitch! You gave it away and I didn't notice... But the twist with Wild Card and Facemaker was pretty good.
So the kids fight the alien doodles and Not Gogurt ends up making a seemingly sacrifice play. Noodles saves her and they release the heroes thanks to Slow-Mo.
Wait whut? Oh, so the aliens of Planet Amigo spelled backwards were helping humanity by forcing the next generation of heroes to rise. What kind of Robert Rodriguez Spy Kids bullshit is this?
We end witha group shot of the new Heroics wearing their superhero costumes... a bunch of mechanic jumpsuits reminiscent of the 2000 X-Men outfits... not cool!
Now this is the part where I say that I hated that movie and you shouldn't waste your time watching it. I can't do that. Despite it being corny, cringey, campy it was enjoyable. it's not perfect and we must remember that this movie was made for kids and it wouldn't have overcomplicated plots and deep continuity/lore. Sure, I nitpicked some stuff, because that's what I do. The movie is a lot better If you don't the baggage of growing up with Sharkboy and Lavagirl. That way you don't have to question the Ginormous continuity gaps... Also, I just found out that A Capella is the daughter of Keno the Pizza Delivery Boy from Secret of the Ooze...
Or the dude from Surf Ninjas...
Robert Rodriguez made a much better superhero movie than Zack Snyder ever could...
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