Rebel Moon: The rant.

 Hack Snydurr's Rebel Moon is out. He's already crying bout the Director's cut being a "totally different film"... Luckily, none of the remaining Snyder kids has unalived themselves. His usage of a dead child as a shield from criticism was apparently a one time thing... No, I'm not mocking Autumn's suicide. I'm mocking her father's dickish behavior of exploiting her death to promote his movie. So, Let's see Third Rate Michael Bay who thinks he's the next Kubrick's take on Star Wars.

Space... a vagina spreads up to let a penis shaped spaceship pass through.

I stopped the movie. I just couldn't even. A Space pussy! Then I had to visit some websites because unfortunately Arby's was closed. So after my meat was defeated, I restarted Revel Moon. Couldn't get past the space vagina again. I'm sorry how can I take seriously a movie that starts with a Space Vagina!? We hear a narration in the form of a space queef. Sorry but sounds coming out of a vagina are queefs, so I'll call the narration a queef. Story sounds a bit like Spaceballs meets Episodes 1 and 4... minus the fun. 

We see our female or possibly non binary Luke Skywalker plowing a field with a space horse. They dig out a stone and not-Luke sniffs the ground like a pair of used panties and some dude shows up. Then we have some folk dancing and a Barbecue with lots of exposition that may not have a payoff until we get Rebel Moon: Bigger Longer and Uncut. Yikes! The writing is almost as bad as Rise of the MuTeens. Not even 10 minutes in and we're talking about orgies. Yes! I surpassed Scott Neitlich levels of bad writing and graduated to Zack Snyder's levels of bad writing! So Not-Luke passed on the orgy and her grandpa or something is questioning her on why isn't she fucking discount Hugh Jackman. She also got questioned by a blonde friend. There's a star destroyer coming. This causes Not-Luke to crap their possibly non-binary pants and run like a Jedi survivor of order 66.

Oh great now we have the most fun part of the prequels: politics. The orgy guy is arguing with another dude about the star destroyer in the sky. Some kid comes in screaming about the coming of the "Empire". The bad guys are dressed like Nazis. I hadn't seen this subtlety sonce Doogie Howser showed up dressed as a Nazi in Starship Troopers. At least Verhooven is a good director. So the Space Nazis are looking for Cryborg and his sister. Also for food supplies, but orgy man says they have no spare food. Space Nazi not buying that bullshit. Other dude fucks things up for orgy man and orgy man and wife? Are now dead. I swore I saw a lightsaber too! The "empire" made its threat of taking everything and left. I'm envious of Autumn Snyder right now. She doesn't have to see this shitty movie... What a lump of coal in my stocking this is. Seriously, I'm gonna write a scene in MuTeens where Nick kicks Zack Snyder in the dick or something. The "empire" left a small unit of Stormtroopers to ensure they don't get ripped off. Bet this is why Not-Luke and other dude will have to leave the village and Star Wars their not-Star Wars movie.

They dragged Sir Anthony Hopkins into this bullshit!? First it was Michael Bay, now it's Hack Snydurr's turn to piss on Hopkins's legacy.  Hopkins is now the Not-Threepio. Hopkins gets humiliated by Nazi soldier #2 and he's told to wash on the river where he sorta befriends blonde girl... who I think is very likely to get raped by the Stormtroopers. 

And Not-Luke finally gets convinced to get involved as Blondie was about to get raped by the soldiers. SLO-MO INCOMING!!  A fight scene, which is one of the few thing Snyder is good at filming ensues. It only took about 35 minutes to become something better than a snoozefest. There was a soldier who had a crush on blondie but he was mostly background decoration. Anthony Hopkins shows up and the Nazi soldier thinks he's on the Nazis side. "Surprise" Hopkins is one of the good guys. "What a tweest!" Said no one ever. Not-Threepio runs away and the villagers are now afraid of Not-Luke. 

Yay flashbacks from Not-Luke as a child soldier... with SLOOOOOWWWWW MOOOOOTIOOOONNNN... I fear the 4-12 hour "snydercunt" version. We FINALLY reached Mos Eisley. A lair of scum and villainy. I finally recognized Not-Luke. She's the evil double amputee from Kingsman!  So some fat gay dude wants to sodomize idiot dude who had orgyman killed and Not-Luke kicks his ass. Way to go, Hack... Don't you know it's current year and gay people can't be villains!? No adding a non-binary character doesn't make up for that... Tumblrkin, CANCEL ZACK SNYDER!! Now after talking to a tick, the gay dude comes back armed and we have a SLO-MO SHOOTOUT! 

Starting to feel like Rebel Moon is another A New Hope Copycat with a few things changed to look different. Derivative doesn't even begin to describe this film. Todd McFarlane's Spawn, Snyder... that's the movie you ahould be directing. Now some dude in a cloak shot the evil fat gay dude. The dude in the cloak is Scottish Not-Han Solo... let's call him Han Acompañado. (Spanish speakers are groaning at my Dad joke, which is much better than this movie, by the way.)  So, Han Acompañado takes Not-Luke and Mr.Bitch on the Millennial Fuck-up to go find "General dad from Gran Turismo", but apparently making a stop along the way.

Now we see the bad guy from the flashbacks plugging himself to the Matrix? Ripping off trans women now, Hack-boy? You're gonna get Sooooo canceled! Wait tentacle creatures groping the space super nazi? So the detour leads to another party member (Discount Jason Moana)that has to ride a space hippogriff... wait are we ripping off Avaturd now? Discount Jason Moana rides the space hippogriff and earns his freedom. The space hippogriff killed the dude that had discount Jason Moana captive... By the way, where the hell is Cryborg?

The Party entered Space Midgar and are on an elevator with some lady dressed like a party city witch. So the Party City Witch is talking to a literal Spider-Woman about a child. I wonder if the nice Nazi managed to be invited into Blondie's country minus the o-r-y? Can we see what they're up to? So Party City Witch turns out to be an Old Lady Elektra and she fights the spider with her katanas that turn into lightsabers. Mr. Bitch is somewhat useful here. Nearly 75 minutes in and we finally got a Jedi...

Fuck Zack Snyder and his bullshit Star Wars awful pitch. It's making Rise of the Skywalker look good! Now more flashbacks... Future Nefty, here's a warning to you... If you watch the Snydercunt of Rebel Moon, for the love of all that is holy and unholy, DO NOT do a Play by Play. This movie is 2 hours and 15 minutes long. We started the review at midnight and it's 6 AM and we still have an hour left of movie... Fuck me, sideways! That's the thing I hate about Snyder movies. I can't watch them in a full sittong, since I have to stop constantly until the eyerolling pain stops. At least with Justice League I had the excuse that the garbage was 4 hours long... but this, has felt longer than ZSJL. The princess is a Jesus metaphor... surprised that Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah isn't in this. Alsp, is that The Dread Pirate Roberts? Fuck me, did they dragged ypu into this piece of shit too!? 

But where the fuck is Djimon Honsou? Ah he's at the Gladiator Arena... it's like a reminder of Honsou being in a much better movie. NOT-LUKE convinces the Gran Turismo dad into joining because REVENGE.

We now get the bad guys trying to tie a loose plot thread from a while ago... and that was solved faster than my attempts to solve loose threads in MuTeens... (better take notes or not, if I want to improve...) finally Cryborg shows up with barely a bit over half an hour left of the movie... homestretch, baby!! 

BOOYAH!

Cry some more Fisher... I said the B-word. Oh god, Kristen Stewart as Bella has more acting range than Cryborg here. So Cryborg joins the party and Han Acompañado needs to finish his original smuggle run.

The space Nazis arrive to where Cryborg was hiding before being recruited by the main party and lay waste to the world. 

Oh look, Han Acompañado was a traitor... Mr. Bitch was more useful than Cryborg... oh no... please tell me that Snyder didn't have the black guy use a spear to defeat the bad guys...At least he didn't chuck it, but

A spear aimed at a gunner knocked the Star Destroyer... That's a load of bullshit. Wait Cryborg does, well anyways, Not-Luke fights the space Nazi that looks like Mr. Crocker from Fairly Oddparents and beats him at a fisticuffs...

So they return in the Millennial Fuck-up back to  viking Orgyville wothout Han Acompañado because he dead. Cryborg... he dead too. Now they have an ambiguously androgynous person who may be the non-binary character that Snyder touted. Anthony Hopkins is horny and watches from afar... I mean as he has some elk horns on his head...

Wait Mr. Crocker is still alive!? What a load of shit! And once again ripping off the Wachowskis... Tumblrkin is gonna cancel you, Hack Snydurr. So Crocker talks to the nain bad guy, the "Plapatine" and explains what's going on. "Palps" gets pissed and wait, Mr. Crocker was supposed to be the "Darth Vader" oh god! I think this shit is over now...

It's 8 AM and i finally fonished writing the play by play... fuck this shit.

Three people wrote the script and it's as bad as a fanfic from an mateur, nay, less than amateur writer... so here's the thing. From A storytelling perspective it's bad. The story is all over the place characters are just a series of tropes with no real personality. We follow a pair of dull and uninteresting leads. All the Ray Fisher hype for a performance so wooden that Plank from Ed, Edd, and Eddy complained about the performance. Three "professional writers" and cannot tell a coherent story. The photography was nice. Some action scenes were good. IT'S OBVIOUS that they were made for an R film and toned down to PG-13... like bad Cartoon Network censorship of Dragon Ball Z or Naruto.

If you're a sucker for pain or a masochist, knock yourself out watching this garbage. I'D RATHER WATCH THE DISNEY SEQUELS than to watch Rebel Moon again.

Merry Christmas you filthy animals!