Oct 11, 2020

My top 10 cinematic guilty pleasures

 Y'know Bad Movies that for some weird reason, you enjoy watching again. You know they're awful but for some reason you can't stop watching. The movies that are never displayed proudly in your DVD collection. 

-Steven Segal movies:

Some people might think that I'm cheating by using an entire actor's filmography, but it's Steven Segal. You get bad acting, martial arts, and generic plots. The huge differences lie on which point of Segal's career you choose:

Bad Acting with kickass Martial Arts from a lean Segal from the 80s to early 90s.

Bad Acting with Kickass Martial Arts from a slightly chunkier Segal from the late 90s to early 00s.

Bad Acting with OK-Ish Martial Arts from a fat Steven Segal who still has some juice in him. Mid-00s.

Bad Acting with Bad Martial Arts from an extremely fat and old Steven Segal from the late 00s to early 10s...

And I love nearly every minute of them. While yes, there are some of his movies that can be a bit of a drag to get into the action but, when they get to the point they can be pretty hilarious, unintentionally.

-Revenge of the Ninja:

This Sho Kosugi movie is pretty entertaining on how hilariously bad it is. I could cheat and pretty much feel this slot with the entire ninja movie genre. American Ninja, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, 3 Ninjas, Surf Ninjas, you name it. They all suffer from either bad acting or ridiculous choreography. Sometimes both. I'm using revenge of the Ninja specifically bcourses one of the movies I see the most and that evil silver mask Ninja cracks me up everytime.

-Batman and Robin:

Yes, I'm aware of my own argument that Batman and Robin is a much better Batman movie than the Christopher Nolan trilogy. In that argument I've stated that Batman and Robin is a cinematic piece of crap. Batman being played as a closeted homosexual, mr. Freeze being a pun machine, abysmally bad script, and all the psychotropic drugs at the set designer took to make those sets.

 do I need to mention the hilariously bad meme that this movie created?

-Jingle All the Way:

Schwarzenegger is here twice in a row... as long as he's not pumping iron... if you know what I mean... we're cool. But, Jingle all the way: it has BAD MOVIE written all over it:

Schwarzenegger playing a parent, his kid grew up to be Darth Vader, and Sinbad.

It's one of those Christmas movies that everybody's a shame to see that they like watching but they all do...

You can bitch and moan about how crappy this movie is, or how it devalues Christmas to the frenzy of Capitalism, but Arnold punches a reindeer.

-Kung Pow! Enter the Fist:

I  I know what you're thinking: That's a parody film, it's SUPPOSED TO BE BAD!! TRUE, it's a parody. It intentionally mimics and makes fun of the tropes of the badly dubbed martial arts films from the 70s.

From a technical standpoint blending Oedekerk into the old movie, was an amazing feat. At the same time since it's mocking the tropes from old martial arts movies, it doesn't change that it's purposely bad. And that intentional Badness makes it so good to watch.

-The Wizard:

Yes, I mean the Nintendo commercial with Fred Savage, a young Tobey Maguire cameo, Kelly-for-nyeh, Beau Bridges playing a father who tries to connect to his kid...

I know I could have used the Power Glove quote but I have to be a bit shocking every now and then... also, it's so bad!!


Beau Bridges playing a father who tries to connect to his kid again... instead of video games week at a Karate Kid rip off full of Chuckerotica...

 I'm starting to notice a thing with my list of bad movies. Most of them include martial arts as a common theme.

-The Spy Next Door and The Pacifier:
People will argue about the similarities and differences between these movies. They follow the trend off action movie star being thrust into a family comedy setting. Guys like Hulk Hogan, John Cena, The Rock, and Schwarzenegger. I specifically picked these two because they're incredibly similar to each other.

-Masters of the Universe:
This one I mention in case Kung Pow! Doesn't count, because it only became a guilty pleasure a few years back... despite being over 30 years old. I've learned to appreciate it as an adult because I hated it as a child. Dolph Lundgren acting is horrible, the movie obviously bit way more than it could chew and only Frank Langella saved it from being a complete disaster.

-Street Fighter:
You should have known this was coming. it's not like I make references to this movie, or how Raúl Juliá single-handedly saved this movie. While not THE WORST Videogame movie, it's pretty bad... At least Bison is quotable.

-The Room:
Hahahaha! What a story, Nefty!
As horribly bad as this drama now turned into a dark comedy is, Wiseau is incredibly wise. The movie is a disaster of epic proportions. And I mean epic disaster because, it inspired a book that inspired a Golden Globe winner movie... the movies have been acting exercise where a stage play is horribly adapted into a movie, but despite his opponent it has some charm about it that it cannot be easily put into words and the only solution is to watch it.

And there you have it folks that to my list of the top 10 guilty pleasures of mine or 11 if we count Kung Pow!

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