Feb 11, 2020

Birds of Prey: A Harley Quinn movie rant

My penis makes me evil. The end. That would be the shorthand version of the review, but since this is the house of rants, I need to make a long-winded explanation on why the movie sucked donkey dick! I mean licked donkey vagina.

The movie goes out of its way to make sure it passes the Bechamel test, but forgets one more important thing:
Making an actually good comic book film. While it's not bad for a DC movie, it's a bad movie.
For a movie set in present day Gotham City there is some very important absence...

It seems like Batman is on vacation because those few days that the movie happens to take place there is not even a peep regarding the world's greatest detective. Even Suicide Squad had a Batman cameo. Hell, even a Batgirl, or Nightwing cameo would've been welcome. Hell even a reference to the League being in Russia was all we needed to understand why Batman isn't stopping the villains in this.

 The premise of the movie it's basically this:
Harley Quinn got dumped by The Joker and is having the post-breakup downs. She stumbles upon a criminal plot by Ewan McGregor playing a very closeted homosexual Roman Sionis and his Lover Bodyguard, Victor Zsasz.
Sionis's plot is simple: get the Bertinelli diamond to unlock the Bertinelli fortune. Problem is that a Street urchin named Cassandra Cain ate the diamond.

How do the Birds of Prey get involved?
Black Canary is a lounge singer at Sionis's club. She becomes Sionis's driver after Quinn brole the old driver's legs. The driver was a mole for the police working with Renee Montoya (played by Rosie Perez). Montoya kinda gets Canary to act as a new mole. Then there's Helena Bertinelli, who is on a Kill Bill-esque revenge plot and as a coincidence all these subplots come together at an old Joker hideout, where the ladies team up and kill the bad guys.

 The movie horribly wastes the characters of Victor Zsasz and Black Mask. Sionis only wears the mask for one scene in the movie...

"But it has John Wick styled action scenes!" "It has Deadpool styled comedy!"

True, but a shitty plot, paper thin attempt at "empowering whamen", characters that you don't care about but are supposed to, taking a massive diarrheic dump on the source material kinda ruins the good things the movie might have.

Don't bother watching it at the theater... Redbox it once it comes out to BluRay.

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