Dec 21, 2021

Spider-Man: No Way Home: a rant

 It's VERY HARD... and I ain't  talking about my dick... It was hard during most of the movie due to the excess of nerdboners that the movie inflicted on me. Despite knowing of  "Hello Peter" for quite some time, seeing it for real, made me almost jizz my pants. I AM WELL AWARE that this type of description might be a wee bit too crass, but watching No Way Home was an experience...

Now for the hard part: it's not a good movie. The whole premise is lazy, uncreative and relies far too much in nostalgia for it to work. I DID enjoy it mostly because of it using Nostalgia pandering. My love for Doctor Otto Octavius was able to suppress any disbelief that managed to pass the webs that were keeping it at bay. This was all a convoluted mess to shove the Sinister Six, validate the shitty Alleged Pedo-Morbius and Shitty Venom. Worst offenses, they Validated the shitty Andrew Garfield movies AND ZENDAYA IS MJ WATSON!!

SONY somehow managed to outsmart the Mouse and deliver this entertaining turd of a movie. This movie is the MCU's ONE MORE DAY, but somehow even worse.

First it robs us of a REAL Doc Ock, Green Goblin, Lizard, Sandman, and Electro IN THE MCU. By borrowing the Tobey and Garfield villains, SONY went lazy and screwed us of great Spider-Man stories... 

Second, it's forcing a foundation to bring Miles Morales in the most uncreative way. 

Third and most importantly, it pisses and takes a massive shit on Uncle Ben and his importance on the Spider-Man mythos.

Fourth, it puts the genie back in the bottle in a VERY unsatisfactory way, just like One More Day.

The 3 Spideys also ruined the potential for a Clone Saga. I will put the blame strongly on SONY since they have:
Fucked Venom by having him unrelated to Spidey and robbed us of a true Maximum Carnage.
They ruined Morbius by having him unrelated to Spidey. 
They ruined Spidey with Spider-Man 3 and Amazing Spider-Man 1 and 2.  Seeing Tobey back reminded me of how much SONY has fucked up Spider-Man.

But for the sake of fairness, the good stuff must be mentioned. In my opinion the nostalgia callbacks were a fun treat, but the movie relies on them too much. The fight scenes were amazing, bjt the beat part of the movie is Doc Ock showing WHY he is the Superior Spider-Man Villain.
The potential for toys: I would like to get a brand new Marvel Legends Toby and Garfield Spider-Man, not to mention a new Doctor Octopus. Sure, sure maybe a new Green Goblin as well. But with the hoodie. And a second head with the Power Ranger helmet.

Despite the movie not being a good movie, it's a must see... because I'm something of an unreliable narrator myself.

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