Dec 4, 2021

Mortality is scary...

 Especially for reclusive folks, loners, and others who avoid social situations. I'm not a hermit, since I have to deal with people at work... I rarely interact with my neighbors, my unorthodox schedule being a perfect excuse to reduce the time of the interactions... They're really nice people, but it's just that People drain me... guess the whole introvert stereotypes are true... I'm not 100% introverted, because when I feel comfortable enough, I can let loose and unfortunately, a bit overwhelming  and obnoxious with my bombastic demeanor... but even then, I need moments of isolation to "recharge". Whether it's sitting on the toilet, or finding a corner to vibe, sulk, or whatever it is I do when I'm on my own depending on my mood. The thing is, that as much as I crave social interaction, I also despise it. 

 I try to get out there and socialize more, but at the same time, I hate it, because it means dealing with people... at one time I even admired Hikkikomori  mostly during the time that my Mom's health was at her worst, since that meant working odd jobs online and from home and social interactions kept to a minimum. I took a sabbatical after college and essentially became a NEET for a while. That's when I realized that I was suffering from depression and learned how to become somewhat functional to hide my weakness... well that was long before Mom's sickness surfaced and sent my life deeper into depression. 

I've decided to never have children, due to my understanding of it being a huge responsibility, one which I DO NOT WANT. I could be a decent parent, but I'd rather not put that to the test. So, where am I going with this. I've lost my Godmother to health complications and she also had Alzheimer's disease. Meaning both my Mom's and my Dad's side are prone to it... 

To say that I'm scared is an understatement... while I'm Functional despite my depression worsened by the loss of my Mother, knowing that I'm in a position with higher risk of suffering from Alzheimer's disease is downright terrifying. Some would say that this is a sign to shake off my fears and become more social out of desperation. Thing is that my Depression and my code of honor say that I cannot become a burden on others. I could counter with "family" memes or with the Magic of Friendship... no. 

What this means is that, BECAUSE I prefer a more solitary lifestyle, I MUST take care of some affairs sooner than later, like choosing Cremation or Burial... I'm going to choose Cremation and have my ashes spread at the same place as Mom... I was her little sidekick in life, so I shall be in death. I don't want a funeral service... so bag me, shake me, bake me, and scatter my ashes following Mom. Scatter my ashes into the heartless sea... only then I will see a face that I long to see... 

I'm supposed to have this done formally or something, but I'm not freaking Batman who has planned what Gotham will do when he's gone. This is just an informal way that "shouldn't be misplaced" in case of my (un)timely demise.

Why am I posting this on my blog? Again, my blog. Things I like, things I hate, things that catch my attention are fair game for my rants... right now my own Mortality has caught my attention. Knowing that I'm getting older and I'm long past the point of no return has put things in a different perspective. I'm no longer protected by the "invincibility of youth". I'm within the age of mid-life crises. It's at this moment in time where part of my brain says carpe diem and the other part is basically terrified of the entire universe since everything will try to kill me...

I know this is, like, a major downer to post so close to Christmas comma but Christmas is often a time that people with depression have their negative feelings exacerbated. 

I'm just trying to be responsible  to an extent and to have multiple avenues for delivering my last wishes... for at least the whole funeral rites... 

I want no wake. I don't want people crying next to my corpse for days. A simple church service shall suffice. Then a small family gathering to scatter my ashes in the same place as Mom... just take a radio and please play the following as they prepare to scattwr my ashes.

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe Opening 1983 
This is the opening act celebrating my Childhood, its innocence, and happier days of my life...

Stars of Tears theme from Xenogears 
This one is a tribute to my fall into depression and me putting a facade of strength...

The Best is Yet To Come from Metal Gear Solid
This one is a tribute to my full blown depression after Mom's death. How I lost most of my joy and began functioning in "survival mode" and not fully enjoying life.

Heaven's Divide by Donna Burke 
This one is a tribute to the end. Here is where the Scattering of my ashes should begin. 5 minutes should be enough to scatter my ashes... I will be reaching out to Mom and finally rest.

El Sonidito by Hechizeros Band
After the whole tearjerking session from losing my innocence all the way to my death, a moment of levity is needed. This one is to celebrate. I'm in eternal peace, rejoice! Also, enjoy one of the most annoying songs ever! 

Now for the song where everyone should begin to leave and return to their lives.
Cloud's theme from Final Fantasy VII
Since it's the world map theme from FFVII it's the first song we hear after escaping the confines of Midgar. That's where *I* get to say farewell. I am now free to explore the great beyond, go out and explore your worlds.

This roughly makes a 30 minute ceremony, perhaps longer if family members decide to say some parting words. I'm aware that they don't HAVE to listen to the playlist, but if they do, they might have a small additional insight into what made me tick. I originally had a 4 hour "Snyder Mix" it had a bit of everything, lots of showtunes, some eclectic bits of music pop, rock, new wave, reggae, rap, country in order to create a tribute to my life up to the writing of this rant... but if even I wouldn't sot through the hour cut despite having kickass music from Van Halen, A Flock of Seagulls, Meatloaf, Backstreet Boys, Scorpions, John Denver, Frank Sinatra, just to name a few, then imposing the 4 hour Mix unto others would be insane. 

Incredibly enough, this has been a cathartic experience... also a big note:
Just because I'm making arrangements, doesn't mean I'll be gone soon. I'm planning on living at least until 2040... the world owes me a Phantom and a Bubblegum Crisis.

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